Choosing MOH, Bridemaids-Some Thoughts

Lenore2010 · April 2010

You know, I thought that I would give a little unsolicited advice here on this topic, because I see lots of issues here around the bridal party, and I had issues with my MOH myself. I got to thinking about all of it and had some thoughts for anyone who cares to hear them:

1. Ask people you know are simply and 100% happy for you, sounds like a no brainer but truth is even the best of friends can harbor resentments when you announce your engagement - particularly those "I have to meet someone or I will die" friends. I think most women have a single friend or two like that.

2. Ask people who actually have a little time to be in your wedding. The new mom of twins whos husband is in grad school and she is on maternity leave from two of her three jobs might not be a great pick no matter how much you love each other. She barely has time to shower, and if she drops the ball on the rehearsal dinner who could actually blame her, but it still is not optimal for anyone concerned. She may very well be agreeing to be in your wedding anyway because she feels she can't say "no" (see #4)

3. Ask helpful people to be in your wedding. No, I am not implying that your MOH or your bridesmaids are your bitches for the event, but believe me when the big day arrives and you are thinking about rings and hair and makup and holding flowers and getting into that dress, you are going to want at least one person around you who actually wants to help you that day. Not all sweet friendly people are actually helpful. Don't ask you bestest frined ever who just happens to be suffering from allergy attacks everytime someone you know is moving or seems to spend an lot of time consistently talking about her own problems.

4. A big one here - make it okay for people to decline your request to be in your wedding! A lot of people feel very obligated if they are asked-and that leads to reluctant and even resentful people in your wedding.

We see a lot on here on the various boards accusing people of Brizilla attacks at their MOH's and Bridesmaids. I think that happens for sure, and some brides are just not reasonable people. Sometimes, though the MOH/Bridesmaids really have dropped the ball, and I think it is usually traceable to one or more of the above causes.

Just my thoughts-best wishes to all still planning a wedding!

NatandIsaac · April 2010

Good advice. Also, do not ask people to be your BMs until 6 to 9 months or so months out from the wedding. If you are even considering asking someone more than a year out, just lurk on the Wedding Party board for a while, so you know the risks.

brandibooh · April 2010

I wish I would have thought about a coule of things you posted especially the first paragraph. My cousin in 1 of the 2 MOHs I have and she is so resentful her little cousin is getting married before her. (She got left one month before her wedding 2 years ago) If had to do it again I would have chosen more wisely.

Lenore2010 · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-recap-withdrawal_choosing-moh-bridemaids-thoughts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:12Discussion:217b65cc-aecf-4f3c-9810-3bdfaf461869Post:6f65ea6a-7f45-4939-ab81-46c79a9bdffc">Re: Choosing MOH, Bridemaids-Some Thoughts</a>:
[QUOTE]I wish I would have thought about a coule of things you posted especially the first paragraph. My cousin in 1 of the 2 MOHs I have and she is so resentful her little cousin is getting married before her. (She got left one month before her wedding 2 years ago) If had to do it again I would have chosen more wisely.
Posted by brandibooh[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I think when all is said and done, #1 is what really ended up biting me, too. At least you fully realize the issue now. I did not see the extent of it in action until the day before the wedding. Congratulations and best wishes in working it out.

</div>

bre_talley · April 2010

I completely agree on these things. I only had 3 bridesmaids at first, and there was one friend who i considered asking but never did because our friendship was so rocky. but i found out she was really wanted to be in it, and was a little hurt that i didn't ask her, so i thought about it alot and asked her about 6 months before the wedding. i should have none from her response that it was a bad idea. first she just sat there then told me she didn't know and she had to go(we were on the phone) then she texted me the next day and had stipulations to her saying yes. the main one was that she said i couldn't kick her out of the wedding. so then she was in the wedding. about 3 months before my wedding she got mad and said we werent that close and said she didn't wanna be in the wedding. a bunch of drama happened and then when things seemed to be okay, she asked to be back in the wedding, but i had already asked someone else since it was getting close to the wedding. she threw a fit and now won't talk to me or my FI. the best part, her boyfriend is in the wedding.

so yes be careful and pick people who you don't will make the day and time about you, not about themselves, bc i needed support from my bridesmaids not extra stress from drama and having to choose someone last min to be in my wedding.

Lenore2010 · May 2010

You know, it is funny but between the two boards I posted this to, the only people who were disagreement with any of this advice either had not had their wedding yet or had it but had no issues with their bridal party. I think after you have had the issues, you really get a taste of what can happen. Asking people to be in your wedding is not all love and butterflies, we need to use our heads about it, too. I sure learned that!

psychotic_princess16 · May 2010

I love your post. It is so well-written and the points you made are so valid!

I haven't had many problems with my WP, but I did ask them about 2 years before the wedding (we had a very long engagement) and now, 2 years later, I am not as close to the person I chose to have as my MOH. We hardly speak, and she is sometimes uninterested in not just the wedding, but anything going on in my life at all. I have so many regrets for not asking my sister to be my MOH. While we weren't as close when I got engaged, over the last couple of years we have become extremely close and spend lots of time together. I always wonder if she feels bad that she and I are closer than myself and my MOH, but it is just too late to change anything.

I think it is important to choose closer to the event, once you've had a chance to see who is resentful of your happiness, and who is a true friend. You might come to find out that the most unexpected friend or family member is wonderfully happy and supportive, while a close friend turns out to be selfish and spend the whole day of your wedding sulking in the corner.

rands09 · May 2010

I want to stand up and yell "Amen!" to this post!!!!

I posted a couple of timed during my engagement about WP issues on my local board, but let me tell you...#1 (in my opinion) happens more often that not. I think that most brides don't want to appear bitchy or ungrateful, and so they gloss it over. But I have said it so often since my wedding planning entered the final stages, that if I had it all to do over again, I would have waited a little longer before asking my BMs to be in my wedding.

I thought that they were all genuinely happy for me. They all had advanced degrees, great homes and kids, and terrific careers. So when my Mom suggested early on that their lack of enthusiasm for bridal party things that I tried to plan was due to resentment and maybe even (gasp) jealousy, I told her no way - why would they be jealous or resentful of me?

But there was definite resentment on the part of a couple of them that I didn't want to accept (or want to acknowledge) until the last weeks leading up to the wedding, when it started to be so obvious that I could no longer ignore it. My Mom and Aunt, while in my bridal suite on my wedding day, overheard one BM criticizing my choice of wedding shoes...within earshot of my Mom and Aunt!!

I was in the next room, and of course, my Mom set the rude BM straight, but it hurt because this was a woman who I really thought to be a close friend, and if someone had told me she would behave the way she did leading up to my wedding, I would have called them a liar. And looking back, I realize that she has been less than enthusiastic over the course of the year, and it makes me wonder why she just didn't just decline my offer to be a BM in the first place.

So yes, this is amazing advice. We don't like to think that our friends and those we are close to would harbor resentment or jealousy (for whatever reason), but I would definitely advise newly engaged brides to take a while and soak in the engagement, before rushing to select attendants. If they are the right choice, they'll still be there after a couple or a few months!

Lenore2010 · May 2010

I think that you both make an excellent point about waiting to ask people to be in the wedding. I asked my MOH something like two weeks after I got engaged, which was a year before the wedding. Waiting until six months beforehand would have been good, and no problem with dresses because I did not go with a traditional matching BM color scheme, and their dresses came from regular stores. Actually, most shops only need about 13 weeks for an order for dresses even if you are doing the traditional thing.

They actual talk on the Bridal Party board here about not asking people to far in advance, wish I had been on The Knot back then! Waiting just for starters does give you time to see how people are really reacting to your engagement.

Don't worry to much PP, though about your problematical MOH. Mine was a hot mess on my wedding day, which I had completely not expected and the Bridesmaid who should have been MOH to begin with helped me tons and it was not a day wrecker.

Moms are great Rands. I had to keep mine from "coming out of the bag" as my nephew would say on my MOH. My mom loves me

vpangela · June 2010

I couldn't have said the above any better!! Unfortunately, after the wedding I do have some regrets about my bridesmaids and feel bad for girfriends who were not a part of the wedding but were extremely supportive/helpful through it all. What's done is done, and I can't change what happened but I will surely give advice to friends about this subject!

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