Pre-wedding Parties

Can I Not Have a Shower

I just got engaged a month ago and have not set a date. I'm considering, early on, gently telling my mother and sister that I do not want a shower.I have several reasons that I think are good, but I do want advice because neither do I want to commit any huge breach of etiquette.My reasons are (1) I have already set up house with my fiance, and I really do not want or need and perhaps most saliently, have room in my apartment for any of the traditional household items, and compounding this fact is that even if I did need something, I am into more unique, hand-crafted or vintage items so the idea of a registry makes me uncomfortable; that said, I wouldn't feel comfortable not registering if I did have a shower, because I don't want people feeling uncomfortable about what to get and ending up with a lot of stuff I don't want etc.(2) I don't want people to have to give me two gifts. I'm from Northern New Jersey and people tend to give a gift at the shower and at the wedding, it just seems inevitable. Also, in Northern NJ weddings are very expensive and since my fiance and I are paying for it ourselves, we are putting a huge dent into our savings and thus what we really need is money, which I think people would be more inclined to give by default if there was no shower or registry (I would certainly never come out and ask for it, I just want to steer it in that direction).(3) I have no really close female friends, my sister is the maid-of-honor and my 18-yr-old stepsister my bridesmaid, and my fiance's family lives 300 miles away, so it's inevitable that my family is going to throw it (my mother and I threw one for my sister when she got married), which isn't really the traditional route anyway. My fiance thinks I should just let them have one but I feel strongly about all of the above. I suggested registering for books, dvds (we are huge movie buffs and are creating a movie library) etc. but he told me he thought this was uncouth. I'm sorry this was long; any advice is appreciated.-- "olivethomas"

Re: Can I Not Have a Shower

  • edited December 2011
    You are fine.  If your mom brings it up, just tell her that 1) you don't need any physical stuff and 2) you are just uncomfortable with the idea of a shower.  As long as you are polite about it, there's nothing rude or wrong with declining a shower, especially if you don't want physical gifts.  If she persists, tell her to throw a ladies' lunch instead, with no gifts. 
  • olivethomasolivethomas member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Thanks so much, both of you. In retrospect maybe it's silly that I'm stressing out so much about this! I appreciate your help!
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