June 2010 Weddings

FI and finances

Do you have a say in what you FI does with his money now, I don't really say anything to FI. If he is spending a lot of money I might say something like "Don't forget you have a honeymoon to pay for" or something. I don't think right now I really have the right to say anything. We don't live together and we don't share bills. My friend always has a say in what her FI does and she thinks I should as well. I just don't think I have a place.

Re: FI and finances

  • Hmm... in my opinion, in our relationship, I will never tell him what to do with his money. That's controlling. I sure as hell wouldn't like it he tried to tell me anything! If it's a ton of money or something stupid and super frivolous, I might say, "Do you really think that's a good idea to get that/do that?" But if he says, "YES, I do." Then that's the end of the discussion! Even after marriage, it doesn't mean he can never spend when he wants to. And likewise for me. If I was supporting us both, it'd be TOTALLY different, but as long as we both have fulltime jobs, there wouldn't be an issue.Oh, and to me, it sounds like your friend is trying to control her FI!! Doesn't mean you have to be like her!!! JMHO :)
  • What's mine is yours, what's yours is mine. We've gone by that since we moved in together when we started dating. We've shared our fare amount of credit card debt with each other and we've just pooled our resources since the beginning. When we first started dating, FI made 90% of the money. Now I make 90% because he's in school. It may work for us, but not for others. We always talk together before buying something big. I'd definitely have a little chat with him to see how you two are going to work out your finances once you are married and living together. FI and I like to sit down each month and talk about how things are going to keep them up to date, but only one of us actively pays the bills (write the checks, makes online payments, etc) and really manages the money. Generally one person does it for ~4 months until they mess up (overdraft, etc) and then we switch. Just make sure you're both on the same page about things before assuming anything. :)
  • Yeah I don't really have a say in what FI spends his money on.  He has a very expensive hobby but he makes sure all his bills are paid before he spends any money on that so I don't really feel the need nor do I feel it's my place to tell him what to do with his money.  Don't listen to your friend. 
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  • i do not. FI and I typically dont meddle. We make the priorities absolutely clear and will openly talk about our finances (savings, etc). when a bill is coming up (WR or couple related i say "i have _____ to contribute." i let him know the expectation is 50/50 (or close percentage wise). and we keep each other updated on the money front incase we cant put in half on a purchase.
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  • mrs.riva, i agree it's what works for the couple!!  just cuz I don't tell him what to spend/how to spend doesn't mean he doesn't constantly think about "our" finances and makes sure he's careful with his money! i pay the bills (i'm better at budgeting, etc), and just tell him the amount he owes for half. he always drops me extra money for house "stuff" (repairs, savings for extra decor things, etc), and for wedding "stuff". I don't need to ask him for any of that. we may eventually get a joint checking, but i believe we'll always keep our own accounts too, so "our own" spending money. that way, if he wants to buy porn or toys online, he doesn't have to hear me ask "hey whats this charge!" awwwwkward. ;)
  • i agree with you too, zora. people think we're insane for setting up a joint acct after only being together for a month, but it works out so much better for us. we still have separate accts, but it doesn't really matter since all the income comes from one place.  when FI starts working and i eventually quit to raise the kids, he still wants me to have a separate acct that he'll put money in, so just in case something happens and we dont stay together, i wont be completely f-ed and broke with no job. how sweet. lol.
  • plus, it's great to have separate accts to buy gifts, etc. so he doesn't see some large charge at his fav store and ask what it is.
  • yeah good call with the gifts stuff, mrs.riva! and i think that for some people (like us, in particular), having the joint and no separation takes away from having ANYTHING private. It's okay to still have privacy, and still feel like you are your own person and not just a married couple. We both feel that having control of our own money is part of that. If either one of us ever starts to abuse that (not having money for bills, wasting huge amounts of money, developing addictions or whatever), then we'll discuss what to do, but for now, it works great for us, bills are paid, money into savings, extra for fun stuff, and no worries! The women (and men!) that need to know where "every penny" of their partners' money is going are major control freaks in my book, and that can't be good for trust in a relationship!
  • We know how we are gonna do things once we are married, we have talked about accounts and savings and major purchases but right now i don't tell him what to buy or when to save. When I bought my car I did ask his input bc we will be paying on it for a year after the wedding. I mainly just asked him which color he liked best and then got the gold one. Riva- we don't live together or share expenses if we did then we would do like you.
  • Oh yeah, and another side note.. even though we have our own accounts, we both know the login stuff to each other's online info. So we *COULD* monitor it. But I refuse to get into his email, bank stuff, etc, unless I have permission (sometimes he asks me to check something). It's about trust.
  • I have an account.  FI has his own account.  Most likely, once we get married, we will have a joint account for bills and whatnot.  But he knows I will ALWAYS have my own account.My stepfather has a trust set up for me.  One day, it will come to me.  And as much as I trust FI, I will NEVER put that money in our joint account.  That's money from my family, plain and simple.  Everyone in our family has to sign a pre-nup.  (It's mainly bc of the trusts and inheritance once the parents are no longer with us.)  Luckily, unless that is added into a joint account, no matter WHAT happens, no one else is able to touch that money.FI and I try to split things now.  He pays the rent and cable, electricity, his gas and insurance.  I pay the cell phone bill, food, and kids clothes.  It's not EXACTLY even, but it's close.  And he knows he is signing a pre-nup.  And he's fine with it.It's different for every couple, yes.B, don't be like your friend.  Be you.
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  • We dont really have a say in each others finances.. If we wanna go do something we will ask each other how much money we have or something.. but other than that we dont have a say in each others money issues..
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  • We usually consult each other when we're going to make a big purchase, but other than that we don't really talk about money.  We don't live together and the only bill we share is our cell phone bill.  I know once we get married we'll have our own accounts and then one joint account that we're just going to put so much from each of our paychecks into the account for joint expenses.  I'm like pp... I don't want to know if he's buying porn or toys.. he can do that one his own :)
  • ditto basically everything Z said. that is me and FI exactly.
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  • b- im glad you two know what you are going to do. some try to wing it and well... it doesnt go well. lol.
  • FI and I have always managed things seperately, because we lived separately and had our own houses, bills, etc. But whenever one needed money we would lend the other... now there wasn't any hounding for the money back, but we both have pretty tight budgets, so we knew paying eachother pack was needed at some point.Now that FI lives here... we still have everything separate, but we kind of are just pooling stuff together until things get figured out, and until FI finds a job. If either of us are going to make a big expense we do talk about it, and try to make sure it is for a mutual benefit for us, since money is tight. Things are pretty haphazard now for finances... as my finances are usually.... money comes in and I pay the bills I can... and then whatever is left over usually goes to some wedding expense. I have been the only one footing the bill for the wedding as of now, so I sometimes remind FI of the fact we have to pay this or that, or we could really use this. But in the end it is his money... but we both try to find ways to beneficially use it to both our benefit.
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  • FI and I lived together for a year or so before we bought our house (2 years ago). Ever since we've owned a home together we've had joint bank accounts and our money has been OUR money... not mine and his. It just made life easier for us because we've been living together for a while.
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  • I have a say in every financial decision we both make & so does he. I wouldnt have it any other way. That might be because of past experiences though. My ex had all the control & I had no input & it ended badly. We live together but I had say before too. I guess I think about it this way. If you're planning on spending the rest of your life with this man than shouldnt you know what his cash flow is like ahead of time? I think your right to know what he does with his money started when he put a ring on your finger & the same with your money for him. Soon you will be sharing expenses & bills & you should at least have a conversation ahead of time about all of it, know what the expectations are and it will go smoothly later. As long as he isnt blowing through paychecks & is contributing to the wedding & honeymoon accounts I think you're ok for now, but money is one of the biggest causes for fights so you should have an understanding of what you are both getting into.
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  • -"I have a say in every financial decision we both make & so does he. I wouldnt have it any other way. That might be because of past experiences though. My ex had all the control & I had no input & it ended badly." you're saying this as if it's somehow special or not normal? or like you aren't contributing financially to the relationship.... i'm pretty sure this in not the case for OP. -"I think your right to know what he does with his money started when he put a ring on your finger & the same with your money for him." this is quite possibly this most ridiculous thing i've ever read. "when he put a ring on your finger???" kindly stop waging your mommy finger and say something more appropriate like "when you two decided to marry each other" or "when you two got engaged." there's something about your responses that really make me feel uncomfortable regarding gender roles in marriage. and i cant quite put my finger on it. -"Soon you will be sharing expenses & bills & you should at least have a conversation ahead of time about all of it, know what the expectations are and it will go smoothly later." this i actually agree with. it is really good advice. money is taboo, and you're right to be a little uneasy about it, B, but you just have to work to make it NOT taboo. it may always be an uncomfortable situation for one of you, but as long as it's being put out there. If you have some extra cash one month , or you're really tight bring it up "hey how is the honeymoon fund looking? i have a little i want to put in there" or "you know, i'm really having a hard time, the wedding fund is low, can you help contribute for a couple months?" it's not a sneaky thing, it's not starting a fight, it's just a practical conversation. He might really appreciate knowing that you want to actively work with him on finances and not put it all on him.
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  • FI is awesome with finances, thank goodness!  However, I do have a say in every financial decision we make.  We've been living together for two years though so really any purchase especially large ones effect both of us so we both have a say.
  • If you're planning on spending the rest of your life with this man than shouldnt you know what his cash flow is like ahead of time?I agree it's good to know around what money is coming in, etc.. And I do.. I do our taxes, so I also often look over his pay stubs (plus his work is screwy about taking stuff out, and he never checks it, so SOMEONE has to! hehe), BUUUUT, I do NOT think I EVER have a right to monitor very closely every penny he spends. Just like I don't think he has a right to do that to me. Even if I'm supporting him fully or he's supporting me, I guarantee, we'd both be giving the other spending money, SPENDING money, not "clear it with me!" money. He's almost 32 years old, NOT 18. If I can't trust him to spend money in a mostly-appropriate manner, then I definitely couldn't trust to be in a marriage with him. Again, in my eyes, it all falls back to trust. I agree that money is a HUUUGE source of fights. And I do believe we've had a few about money (earlier on, we bought a house, so....), but being open and honest and trusting does not, in my interpretation, mean controlling, watching every move, and disclosing every receipt. Perhaps just me, though.
  • Sorry to be replying late, school doesn't allow the knot :( Anyways... If it is a big purchase we discuss it. Big to me is like a car or a TV, if it is lunch or groceries I would get mad if he called wasting my time about something petty or needed. Sometimes I will ask FI "Do you really need that" or "do you think you can afford it" if he says yes then that is the end of the convo. I think he is old enough to pay his bills and know to make reasonable decisions.
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