Timing your Ph.D defense and your wedding??

weisscv · October 2010

Hello everyone,

My FI and I got engaged in June, and I was *hoping* to get my PhD this coming May. We decided to have a long engagement and get married the following winter (a little over a year from now). The problem is that I'm not really sure if I can finish my PhD by May, and I might have to finish it up in August, or worse, December - right around the time I am supposed to be getting married! Oh, did I mention I'm getting married in IL and I go to school in CT? That might complicate things a bit

Is anyone else going through this? I don't want to keep putting off my wedding more and more just because my research project isn't working out exactly how I want it to. I love my FI and I don't want to be engaged for 2-3 years, I want to get married! Any suggestions would be great!

literarymuse · October 2010

I would say to do your absolute best to get done as soon as possible. I mean, I suppose that you could sort of say I'll be going through the same thing... since I'll be graduating shortly before I'm getting married. I know the work load is nothing alike, but I will be doing my senior project and whatnot, not to mention taking all these other courses. I mean, will it be a huge deal if you end up finishing your Ph.D around the same time as your wedding?

Well, I suppose it will be super stressful. So I stick with what I said before. :-)

Also, I apologize for being pretty naive about Ph.D defenses... I don't know a whole lot about them.

Good luck!

uhldansereau · October 2010

I know you said that you're in school in one state, and getting married in the other. I don't know which state your fiance lives in, or what he does, or where you plan to live after being married, but is it impossible to get married before your PhD is finished?

My fiance and I got engaged this past August, and are getting married in July. He is a PhD student. He is doing his research this school year (started it over the summer), and next year (after we're married) he will be writing his dissertation. Since I'm finished with my masters, i'm trying to find a job in our area, since obviously we will be living here (same place we met, where we both were in grad school). But just thought I'd share our plan, since there's no law that a PhD student has to wait til the degree's done to get married. We decided that we did not want to put off our wedding more than we absolutely have to, because we feel strongly against extended engagements.

LauraT25 · October 2010

I would keep the wedding as planned. If you wind up not finishing your PhD in time, stop working on it a month before the wedding, and then pick it up again after. I'm sure your program is anxious to get you out, but the fact is, it will be done when it's done. If you wind up having to spend a few months finishing it up after you're already married, it's not the end of the world. Don't stress out too much about this (I know, easier said that done). You may even find that taking a break refreshes you and you come back to it with a new outlook and energy for writing.

It's not quite the same scale, but I was supposed to advance to candidacy in the spring. My PI kept putting it off and finally I decided that if I didn't get the candidacy exams done by July (1.5 months before the wedding) they were just going to have to wait until after I got back from my HM. It wasn't ideal, but I felt much less stressed once the decision was made, because once 'crunch time' for the wedding came, I wasn't worried about writing my thesis proposal and studying for my orals at the same time. Hopefully your thesis committee will understand that a wedding is a big undertaking, and a once-in-a-lifetime event, and cut you some slack.

meeko84 · October 2010

I am having almost the same issue. I just started my PhD program this year and my fiance and I have only been engaged a month. We set a date for may 12, 2012 due to me getting my degree. I am to take my prelims if all goes well Dec 2011 and I'm praying I don't have summer school during the time I've set to get married. this is my biggest fear!! To complicate matters I'm getting married in VA and I live in IL and he's in the military.

nannewmur · October 2010

I think a lot depends on how organized you are and how much help you will have from fiance and family. Most people can organize a wedding in 6-8 months but only you know what your expectations are. I think you and your FI need to have a long talk about this but as a mom, I would say focus on completion of your education before getting married.

LauraT25 · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_students_timing-phd-defense-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:684Discussion:277d373e-5dd4-45d3-ac07-f4c8a73bc86aPost:d48c731c-aba2-4018-bca0-b54ab2aa3b06">Re: Timing your Ph.D defense and your wedding??</a>:
[QUOTE]I think a lot depends on how organized you are and how much help you will have from fiance and family. Most people can organize a wedding in 6-8 months but only you know what your expectations are. I think you and your FI need to have a long talk about this but as a mom, <strong>I would say focus on completion of your education before getting married. </strong>
Posted by nannewmur[/QUOTE]

I don't really understand this. I mean, yes, she should finish her PhD at some point, but why does it have to be before she gets married? It's not like she's putting a wedding before getting an education.

MissOwl · October 2010

I would use your wedding date as a way to push your advisors. If you program is anything like mine, your advisor's schedule will rule your dissertation process. Use your wedding date (or ideally a few months before your wedding date) as your 'drop deadline' and use it as a bargaining chip. Faculty often respond to hard deadlines like baby due dates and wedding dates more than an arbitrary date set by the student. good luck!

bdriley · November 2010

As an alternative to telling your advisor they have to accomodate your wedding date (especially since you haven't set it yet), why don't you ask them what they see as a reasonable time that they expect you to finish your degree if you keep the same pace? It kind of depends on the program you're in as to what your timeline should be. My fiance is in physics and his advisor estimates he has 2 years left BUT he is finishing his classes this semester and will be doing only research next semester. We planned our wedding to take advantage of the fact he wouldn't have homework due dates but that doesn't mean he can afford to drop school a month before the wedding like someone suggested you do. His advisor expects him to still be doing research throughout the planning and after the wedding and accomodating the amount he puts in each day to allow for personal time off for the wedding. If you can work out a flexible schedule (working 4 10 hour days versus 5 8 hour days) with your advisor then that might give you the time you need to travel and arrange things in another state.

Also, there's no reason your fiance should be making you do all the planning while you're trying to finish your degree. Tell him to help!

Good luck.

weisscv · November 2010

Thanks so much everyone! It is really helpful to hear what other people think. As it turns out, I have fellowship that is NOT flexible with graduation dates, so I decided to go ahead and change my graduation to August. The three extra months should help out a lot (although I'm sure it still won't be easy!), and then we can keep the wedding in December as planned.

Good luck to all those also in school! You can do it!

Emily1103 · November 2010

Hi! I am currently a 5th year Ph.D student and just got engaged to another 5th year Ph.D student. I've always dreamed of a fall wedding in CT where I grew up (We are in school in CA) and hate the idea of a long engagement. However, if we were to set a date for next year, there is the possibility that one or both of us will be either just finishing up our thesis or still in school. We plan on moving back to the east coast after finishing, and have already started looking for postdoc positions. Research is so unpredictable that even though my boss and I think I should be able to graduate between June and August, there definitely is no guarantee, and my FI still has no idea when he will finish. My fear is that we will be stressed by wedding planning and trying to graduate/moving across the country AND possibly have to live on separate coasts for a little while.
I need advice on if we should just plan it for next year and try to go with the flow or plan the wedding for 2 years from now when we'll both be done with school and be able to enjoy the planning without the added stress of an upcoming thesis defense? The second one almost seems to be the obvious choice to me, except we really hate the idea of a long engagement.
Also, I am unsure of how hard it would be to plan a wedding from across the country. Anyone have any advice. I have my family back in CT who are MORE than willing to help plan.

Timing your Ph.D defense and your wedding??

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