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potential MIL problems...

A few people on here have MILs from h3ll.  I'm just curious as to how it all started.my FMIL always drops hints that I am 'stealing FI away from her". And he just forwarded me an email from her- she's saying how she has a box of stuff she has for us and if he could come by the house and get it because " Sara wouldnt want you to stay" and then "I'm sure Sara will throw all the stuff away anyway"I dont get it! I'm the one who insisted we go visit her all the time! FI thinks shes depressing (she is) and doesnt want to see her! ugh.any thoughts on how I can avoid a potenitally difficult situation?
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Re: potential MIL problems...

  • edited December 2011
    I would say that your FI probably needs to be the one to tell her that it's not you that's "keeping him from her"...although she'll probably think that's just you talking through him or telling him to say that (even if he were to respond to her email without your response to the forward).  Is there anything that you would want to do alone with her so she doesn't depress FI?  (If not I totally understand, some people just wouldn't choose others to hang out with on their own time were they not related) but that could be a way to show that you'd like to have a relationship with her regardless of if her son is present or not.   
  • New_to_PGHNew_to_PGH
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    edited December 2011
    Haha! Sorry, didn't mean to laugh. Just can't help it! Yep, MIL started off liking me just fine...until she realized I wasn't going away. Then came all the comments about how I was "stealing" her "baby", blah blah blah. One day, "stealing" translated into how she just didn't understand why I never did anything to impress her (said to me while I was loading her freaking dishwasher after I came over and made dinner at her house!), and it all went down hill from there. Next thing ya know, I'm a cold  hearted b!tch who she hopes her son will wise up and leave.
  • edited December 2011
    lol- no laughing!  this is a very serious matter!  hahha... yeah, I could totally see this going down that path. Hopefully not tho The 'spend time with her alone' thing is a good idea! I would enjoy other things more, but I'll def do that.  Maybe a trip to go see my dress or something? hmm... I'm going to have to think of something
  • edited December 2011
    Jenn, did you whip the plates out of the dishwasher and start spinning them to "Impress" her with an awesome circus act?  I can't believe a grown woman thinks people need to do things to impress others and "earn" love. 
  • New_to_PGHNew_to_PGH
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    edited December 2011
    No Jaime, I handed the dishes to DH and told him to finish and I walked out before I chocked her. This was the day after I "insulted" her by not eating the vegetables that she had made because I was lactose intolerant and she had them drenched in margarine. She thought that non butter = diary free, and apparently was insulted that I told her otherwise.I've been rolling my eyes ever since that eventful weekend. As my mother says, someday they'll get stuck like that, and then I'll be in trouble! LOL
  • edited December 2011
    Ugh. I guess I am pretty lucky in the MIL dept. Just out of curiosity, is your FI the youngest, or the first/last to get married? He was living with his parents prior to you guys buying the house, correct? I'm just thinking that it's nothing against you personally, just the idea that he is on his own now, going to have a wife soon, etc. Hopefully it is just a phase and will pass (at least for the most part...) Sorry I have no further advice, but I do like the idea about spending alone time with her. GL!
  • McBridetobeMcBridetobe
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    edited December 2011
    If there is one thing that I learned on TK...my MIL is a freaking saint compared to many!When we were dating and first engaged, she definitely pulled the "stealing her baby" routine.  Um, no.  Your son is an adult and makes his own choices about where to live and what to do with his life, etc.  She really thought he would move back home after graduation and instead he stayed in Erie, finished his masters and then we moved in MD.  My DH talked to her and made sure she knew that I didn't force him into situations, etc or whatever she was thinking.  Spending time with her and FIL has definitely become easier over time.  I have more things to talk with them about and we have more fun together, I feel.  It isn't a perfect relationship (like I'm not going to call her to say hi or anything....) but it is livable.  And it helps they are 4+ hours away. :)
  • edited December 2011
    LOL, way to handle it in a civil way Jenn instead of dropping them and saying "oops!"I think my "problem" is that I don't care about keeping up with the Jones' enough.  And frankly I don't care if she likes me (that's not in a snooty way because I certainly don't think I'm above someone, just that I am who I am and you can like or dislike me for it if you want to). And Sara, I really hope that nothing evolves on her part from what she said to your FI, and if you can't be girlfriends that she can atleast not view you as the enemy.
  • LaFemmeRousseLaFemmeRousse
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    edited December 2011
    Kim, good point about Sara's FI being only recently on his own.  I will echo PP- it is very important for your FI to start actively defending you right away.  Make sure he tells his mom that you are not "stealing" him away, that he is an adult, that you aren't preventing him from seeing her, etc.  Spending time alone together is a great idea!  Treat her to lunch, go shopping, whatever- I'm sure she will appreciate the gesture.That said, if she turns out to be crazy and is determined not to like you, there may not be anything you can do about it.  If this is the situation, don't stress constantly about it- you can't please everyone!  I too am lucky with my FMIL, but plenty of other ladies on here prove that sometimes there's nothing you can do about the situations that come up with family members.
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  • edited December 2011
    He's the middle child- and his older brother got married last year. However- she has said- in front of both of her other children- that he is her favorite child. I asked his sister later and she said she's used to it, that FMIL says this all the time. WHAT?! I think its ridiculous to even have a fav child, let alone let your other children know! but anyway- yeah, she didnt want us to buy a house, and FI did move back in with her for a few months after grad school. I'm more like davey in the fact that I really dont care if people like me or not, but FI is upset cause he thinks FMIL and I dont ilke each other- so I'm going to try for him. KR- sounds like your MIL and mine are very smiliar- mine is always saying that he does what I say (if only that were true!). I have my fingers crossed that our relationship will turn out like yours
  • edited December 2011
    Yeah, aren't MILs just peaches?  Mine started out nice too, then it all went downhill from there.  She started getting a little odd around me, but I couldn't quite put my finger on what it was.  I figured it was probably that DH had just moved in with me and we were (duh,duh, DUH) living in "sin."  About 6 months later she showed up at our doorstep at 7 in the morning on a Sunday with donuts and proceeded to berate me about how I was spoiled rotten and needed to get my stuck up nose out of the air.  Um, yeah, ever heard of shyness.  Maybe I'm just not a loud person (which I'm not - I don't pipe up if I'm not comfortable with people).  DH basically told her that we would work on it, yada, yada, yada.  Then we bought our house together.  3 months after that, she came over for dinner, started rifling through my mail, at which time I asked her to stop (she's nosy and I don't need her knowing my checking account balance).  She started to yell, one thing led to another and she told me "Why don't you just drop dead?"  I replied by bowing and saying "I gladly would, if I could, but I can't"  Don't know where that came from.  Two weeks from hell went past after which time DH basically told her what needed to happen, the two of us met for dinner, went over our list of grievences, and have been cordial, if not friendly for the past 3 years.  She cried at the wedding - I think it's because she thinks he should have married someone else.My adice, have FI stick up for you first by explaining how these statements can be misconstrued (in case they were meant to be a joke), have him pick up his own stuff, then if that doesn't work, meet up for dinner with out FI to air out your differences - in a nice way.
  • edited December 2011
    Sorry, didn't think it ^^ would be that long.  Guess I still have issues - LOL
  • McBridetobeMcBridetobe
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    edited December 2011
    She cried at the wedding - I think it's because she thinks he should have married someone else.LOL - my MIL said she doesn't cry at happy occasions, yet she bawled at our wedding, haha.  Guess it wasn't happy for her.  :P
  • edited December 2011
    lol- not too long at all!  It seems we all have some MIL issues.  You hear that KR and Angela! Don't be like this withyour son! (although I'm sure we all will). I think I'll have FI read this thread. He has such a hard time sticking up for himslef- or me- or anything really. But maybe if he knows that doing it will make things better for everyone in the long run...
  • New_to_PGHNew_to_PGH
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    edited December 2011
    She cried at the wedding - I think it's because she thinks he should have married someone else.LOL LOL LOL. Mine sat in the pew "whispering" about how she holed DH would come to his senses and leave before it was too late. She then forced a smile for the rest of the day... like this:[IMG]http://tinyurl.com/ljz75h[/IMG]
  • edited December 2011
    OMG! Is that really your MIL?!?!  lol- that is THE fakest smile I have ever seen!  LOL  too funny!!!
  • jennybean2010jennybean2010
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    edited December 2011
    yikes, i'm late to the thread, but i'll chime in.as pp all said-MIL, or FMIL in my case, was fine at first. in fact, we were so good we did dinner and pedi's together frequently. we were besties! then we got engaged, and she was still fine. we got in to an argument, religious related, and it's never been the same since. however, i watched her be a cold hearted b!tch to my FSIL, so i think that regardless of the argument..her crappiness was coming either way (she wanted to create a fake myspace profile of a girl to try to lure her son away from his gf, who is now FSIL!). i thought dragging her to therapy a few months ago would help, but it did nothing whatsoever. i swore i wouldn't pretend, but it's the only way to keep the peace. FI is her oldest son, they have always been so involved in his life (i.e., his mail went there even if he wasn't living there, his car insurance is on their policy so he pays them, he would go home every sunday to see them) and now he hardly comes around. which is really bc he dislikes his mom, but of course she feels the reason is that i'm keeping him from her. yaddayaddayadda. i just try to ignore her as much as possible and pretend that things are fine. but your FI needs to make sure he stands up and lets her know that you are not doing anything, and that he is making his own decisions.good luck!
  • New_to_PGHNew_to_PGH
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    edited December 2011
    That's really my MIL - in a bridesmaid dress. She was less than pleased that day. Here's another classic: [IMG]http://tinyurl.com/mhqxtp[/IMG]
  • McBridetobeMcBridetobe
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    edited December 2011
    LOL, Jenn!  Mine couldn't be forced to fake a smile.  ;)[IMG]http://i27.tinypic.com/11k9x4w.jpg[/IMG]
  • McBridetobeMcBridetobe
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    edited December 2011
    Man, I'm failing at pics today.[IMG]http://i27.tinypic.com/11k9x4w.jpg[/IMG] 
  • New_to_PGHNew_to_PGH
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    edited December 2011
    Remember how I said I've been rolling my eyes at MIL ever since? The photog captured it right after MIL stopped bugging us at our sweetheart table![img]http://tinyurl.com/m96eu6[/img] 
  • pinksonyapinksonya
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    edited December 2011
    Hahahahaha. This is wonderful!I can't get enough of your MIL drama, Jenn.Sara, send Steve in.  We'll set him straight!  (Graham has been known to drop during important threads..)
  • edited December 2011
    omg, these MIL pictures are hysterical!  I'm totally lol'ing over here. I'm so glad my MIL is not crazy :p 
  • edited December 2011
    HAHA!!  I love these MIL pics!  They are even better than lolcats!!  that one of you rolling your eyes is so priceless!! 
  • McBridetobeMcBridetobe
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    edited December 2011
    Jenn, your cleavage keeps popping up when I scroll down read this thread.  ;)
  • New_to_PGHNew_to_PGH
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    edited December 2011
    apologies. lol
  • McBridetobeMcBridetobe
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    edited December 2011
    lol, I'm just jealousE! 
  • edited December 2011
    Those pictures never get old Jenn!  Come to think of it, I was pretty much MIL free at our wedding except for the pictures, I was lucky.My MIL has also said that DH is her favorite (not infront of BIL though) but I really have to wonder if she likes either b/c any time they've shown us family pictures she's asked which infant/toddler was which....they had different hair color for goodness sake and beyond that, how can a mom not tell her kids apart?!  It's things like that, an utter lack of caring about learning the things that are important to other people that bothers me the most about MIL.  I might not like someone, but chances are I'll listen to them and remember what they say they like.  So yes, I know that MIL likes purple and violets and collects this that and the other thing and I try to get her things she would like when an occasion comes up.  I've repeatedly told her I'm not at all fond of certain things/colors and yet that's what she gets me.  It's not the materialism of it, if it were something she got for free but knew I would like it, it would be more meaningful than if it were something I hate that cost $.  I don't think she's doing it to be passive agressive (if she were I think I'd actually give her kudos for that tactic) I'm pretty sure it's because she just doesn't care to listen to anyone (not just me) and would rather talk about herself constantly.  /rant
  • LaFemmeRousseLaFemmeRousse
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    edited December 2011
    Oh my gosh, dying over those pictures :)
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  • edited December 2011
    I'm dying also. Those pictures are the BEST. Whoo.
    image image
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