Customs and Traditions

Taking His Name

Re: Taking His Name

  • She lost me in the second paragraph "I'm not a feminist" Really? She's working in a profession that is traditionally male, at probably (hopefully) the same pay that a man makes, and sje doesn't think she's a feminist? Look up the definition of the word!  It's like it's a dirty word.  I didn't change my name the first time I married, in 1985, and felt like I got less resistance than this time, when I married one year ago.  DH didn't care, he actually thought of changing his name to mine.  He's been addressed by Mr Mylastname more than I've been addressed by Mrs. Hislastname, and neither of us care in those situations.  I truly do not think that young women today realized what those of us who are older (I'm 50) and the generations before me went through to make sure that those of you younger women get paid the same for the same work that men do, and have the same rights.  The ERA didn't pass because Phyllis Schlafley and those of her ilk said we wouldn't get alimony. Well, guess what? It didn't pass and most of us get child support, not alimony. I had to pay alimony to my first husband because he was student the last few years of our marriage, so it appeared as if he wasn't making any money. So I got stuck paying back his school loans, and he walks off with another degree while I was busting my butt working, taking care of our daughter, and taking care of the house.  I had been an incredibly supportive military wife, etc. and look where it got me? Well, at least I still had MY name.  And the thing about the dad's name?  Doesn't fly with me. It's MY name because that's what my parents chose for me--although my sister uses my mom's last name.  I am PROUD to call myself a feminist.  Read The Women's Room by Marilyn French.  Very important book.  ::steps off soapbox::
    image Don't mess with the old dogs; age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.
  • She's not a feminist? She doesn't believe women should be treated as well as men? Wow.I hate the "it's just your father's name anyway" line of reasoning. It's MY name that both my parents gave me. Plus I like my dad just fine, though I can understand those who grow up with absent fathers wanting to switch to their mother's last name or whatever. Frankly, it's the name I identify with and while in general maybe I'm buying into the greater male patriarchy by keeping my father's last name as my last name, I really don't see it that way.I've also heard people say that not be willing to change my last name much mean I'm not really in love with my fiance. Like it will just be easier during the divorce since I won't have to change my name back. What?!
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  • I totally agree on the feminist thing. I hate that hillbilly rednecks have made feminist sound like a bad word. And I agree about the divorce thing. After working for a divorce lawyer through law school, I can tell you that changing your name is the least of your worries when getting divorced (and certainly no more difficult than changing it the first time around.) That's just crap spewed by small-minded people that can't understand people that make different decisions. Hey, maybe the same jerks that demonized "feminism."
  • PHEW! I thought I was the only one, and that I get flamed for my horrific feminist ideas.  Yeah, I've been accused of not caring about the relationship enough and that's why I didn't change my name.  Makes no sense.   And I've heard men tell DH that he should "make" me change my name.  His reply is "I don't need to prove anything to you."  Of course, these are the same men who give him crap for wearing a kilt, so there you go. 
    image Don't mess with the old dogs; age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.
  • Of course, these are the same men who give him crap for wearing a kilt, so there you go.I love it. I was in Scotland last month and everyone wears kilts. Though I think it's mainly for the benefit of the tourists.
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  • I hate it when the choice is framed between taking your husband's name or keeping your father's name.  Excuse me?  Why does my husband get his own last name, but "my" last name still belongs to my father.  No.  When I was born, my father's name became MY name.  Just like when my husband was born he got his father's name.  The choice I make is between my name and his name.  And I'm picking mine.  Interesting article even if the author annoyed me in the second paragraph by defining her choice is such a ridiculous way.   
  • I kept my name through nearly two decades of being married before.  I plan to keep my name this time, too.Being even older than handfast4me (I'll turn 56 on my wedding day), I too have trouble understanding why people would think "feminist" is a dirty word.  I grew up in a family in which the father was assumed to be the head of the family and nothing he did could be questioned--not even his drinking two liters of wine a day and molesting both of his daughters.  I did not want that kind of family life for myself or my own children.In addition, I have seen how much changing one's name can lead to losing one's history.  Yes, you are still the same person inside.  But anyone from your past who doesn't know whom you married can never find you again.  That goes for both personal acquaintances (it is much easier for me to find the men I knew as a child on Facebook than to find the women I knew as a child) and professional ones.And at an emotional level, people talk about "making a name for themselves" or having "a good name."  If I'm going to spend that much effort on my name, I want it to be the same name for life.
  • I am choosing to take my Fi's name, but I fully understand why people choose to keep their name after getting married.  I think it's a personal decision and I don't understand why anyone gets up in arms about it on either side of the "issue".  I know that for me, I've always hated my last name - my biological father was a dbag and I hated the fact that I didn't have the same last name as my family (aunts, uncles, cousins) that I was so close to.  I am looking forward to having a new last name.  I just feel bad now for my mom who is kinda "stuck" with the last name, she was joking with me about how she might change back to her first married name (I came along in a second marriage) since she had that name longer than any name she had :D
  • My fi and I already have children together and they have both of our lastnames. He is from Mexico and it is regular pratice out there to have a child take (Dad's last name) first-(mom's last name) second. so being as my kids have both names I will take fi's name and add it to mine after we are married.. but instead of having his name follow mine... I will follow mine his with mine (my lastname)(his last name) is common in the United States but mine will be (his lastname)(my lastname) So that it matches my childrens names in the order that they have it. (as per tradition in Mexico) Fi says I should keep my last name as it is not common pratice for a women to change to her hubby's name... she usually just sticks with her fathers/mothers last names. I do want his lastname too and he understands that is comon pratice here to have your hubbys lastname, This way everyone will have the same last name minus my FI who will have a different second lastname which is the name of his mother and is the name that doesnt pass on to our children... now if i could only convince him to drop his mothers last name and tack mine on to his and we'd all match but I dont see that happening.
  • My sister did not change her name, and my BIL has no problem with that. By the time they got married, she had a professional reputation and had been published several times academically (even though she was a junior in college) so she thought it better to keep the name that she had when she established that professional reputation. Also, my BIL is one of three boys. We are 3 girls. Our family name ends with us, while his has a chance to be passed on through his brothers, so they decided that when they have kids, they will have our last name.My FI asked me if i would honor him by taking his last name. He sees it as welcoming me into his family and his heritage, which is way different than mine. I love him and I am also proud of to be his wife and take his name. I have a profession as well, but not in the same sense as my sister, so its not really an issue for me. My little sister is extememly conservative and traditional so she will probably take her husband's name. Our choices make us no more or less feminist. I think each couple should decide for themselves how they handle names.
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