Not Engaged Yet

All the single ladies...

So my bf and I have been together for almost 4 years (October 7th is our anniversary - we met on a blind date!).  I am 25 - he's almost 26.  He has a good job - I just graduated school and am in the process of looking for a job (in the meantime, I do have a full time job at a retail store).  We've talked about getting married in the past and he's always been "lets have all our ducks in a row before we get engaged."  I agree with that logic - but now I think we're pretty close to having things in order.  I brought up marriage a few weeks ago and he was like "maybe next summer we'll be engaged" and I said "maybe?"  After discussing it for a while - he basically said he didn't really have any plans and it wasn't really on his mind.  ouch...  I love him very much and I want for us to be together with all my heart.... but I also want to know that our relationship is going somewhere and that he's going to seal the deal I guess.  I'm at a point where I sort of want proof that our relationship is headed in that direction.  Since that conversation, he's made a few comments about rings.  He told me that his step-dad even asked if he was ever going to pop the question...  But am I being too pushy about this?  I don't want to scare him off... but I don't want to wait forever either.  When is it appropriate (if ever) to give him a nudge?  (Also if it means anything - we've decided to save sex for marriage...)Thanks so much for any advice/tips!  Always a bridesmaid - never a bride (been there 7 times!)
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Re: All the single ladies...

  • Tempest419Tempest419
    First Comment
    member
    edited December 2011
    I know how much it sucks to hear this, but I think you do just have to be patient. What you've said so far was in no way pushy, and it sounds like you got him thinking about it. I would wait and see what happens now, maybe casually mention marriage/engagement every so often. You don't want to pressure him into proposing before he feels ready, but that doesn't mean you just have to suppress what you want. You've been together for 4 years, it doesn't sound like he's going anywhere! He's just on a little bit slower timeline, which sucks, but (like you said) it's not a reason to leave him. P.S. Kudos for waiting til marriage- glad I'm not the only one!
  • edited December 2011
    I think that talk was a good first step but there should be others.  Tell him exactly what you wrote.  You want to know where he sees the relationship going to make sure you are on the same page.  And as soon as you know that you guys are in sync then let it go and don't be all "where's my ring?" all the time.
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  • edited December 2011
    As posted above, I would sit him down and talked about your future together. Ask him what he sees. It's an honest discussion to have. Tell him that all you need to IS wether or not he is working on your relationship in a way that will mean marriage at some point. Unless he really isn't taking your relationship seriously, I don't see how engagement would have not been on his mind at one point or another or at least thinking that way in the future. Men need to take this at their own pace. I know my other half and myself have talked about it many times and we have already sealed the deal but now I am waiting for the ring. I don't even mention it anymore. I know he knows thats the next step and I know he agrees with it. So now, I will wait until he is ready to take to the next step. The ball is in his court and I have to be patient until he is ready to do it.Good Luck :)
  • bekalinzbekalinz
    10 Comments
    member
    edited December 2011
    I definitely understand how you feel and I agree with the PP's.  When you attempt to "nudge" or "push" men - they push right back!  They don't like to feel pressured (even if you aren't meaning to).  My bf was a lot like yours - we would talk future but never the proposal.  I would get SO frustrated!!!!  He would talk about life 5 years from now but never how we got there.  I suppose how you get there is the scary part for most men - it the part that makes it real! Anyways, there is absolutely nothing wrong with telling him how you feel.  In fact, if you don't, you only have yourself to blame.  Men get comfortable in relationships and figure why change it?  You have to let him know "clearly" (men don't get subtle hints...trust me!) how you feel and what your future wishes and goals are and then be quiet and let him talk.  However, don't go on and on about it. Most women are ready before their bf's.  A while back I told my bf exactly what I was thinking - not like "you have to do it by this date...blah, blah, blah" but I told him what I was thinking in regards to a proposal and marriage and it's funny, he didn't say too much - but he listened.  After that, I have not hardly brought it up since and he finally started bringing it up on his own.  He asked me to pick out rings I like and send them to him - which was a HUGE step for him.  We are now talking about a proposal by the end of the year. So long story short (sorry!) - but tell him how you feel, be open and honest and then sit back and let it marinate.  At that point, he knows how you feel and the ball is in his court.  Keep us posted!!! 
  • edited December 2011
    Thank you so much ladies for your advice.  I really appreciate it.  I know that it WILL happen, just have to be better about being patient.  (Which does not come easily for me lol).  But I know that my turn will come someday.  I wish and hope the best for you and your future plans.  :)  
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  • luv626keeluv626kee
    10 Comments
    member
    edited December 2011
    In my opinion if you haven't made any strides towards marriage after 4 years, and you're both in your mid to late 20s, it's time to take some action.  If he's not planning on proposing any time soon, there may be issues he's having that you don't know about, and you need to pry until you figure it out.  It's at the point where it's put up or put out (pun TOTALLY intended).Also, if you've decided to wait until marriage for religious reasons, more power to you.  However, if there's nothing specifically holding you back there may be an issue.  Please don't take this the wrong way, but maybe he's gay or simply not into you anymore.  As much as us women don't like to admit it - he's either into you or he's not.  I've been dating a guy for 9 months and shortly after we made it to 2 months he told me he wanted to marry me.  We're not engaged yet, but we talk about it ALL the time and it's just something we both want.  You just FEEL it.  If you don't have the feeling with your current BF I really think you need to reevaluate the relationship.So for now, be firm and make him talk about it.  If he doesn't give you a firm commitment I think you need to walk.I'm sorry if my response was harsh, but I'm just being real.  I've wasted TONS of time w/Mr. Wrong and now that I've met Mr. Right I have a good perspective on these types of situations.  You don't want another 4 years to go by, be 28, and find out that's he's not willing to commit - talk about a waste of your 20s!  This actually happened to a friend of mine.  It's better to be single than with someone who doesn't appreciate you and WANT you, and more than just sexually.Good luck and I only wish the best for you! 
  • edited December 2011
    Did NO ONE else in the world notice that the post above me is completely ridiculous, focused primarily on sex, said that the OP's BF might be gay, and was just...... crazy in ways I can't describe?Or am I alone here?Is that the same chick that told me my FI was gay when I said we didn't have sex (in a post something like 2 years ago, not recently)?There's nothing SPECIFIC holding me back (other than not wanting kids right now), but FI is certainly not gay, and he also took his good sweet time deciding he was ready for marriage.Waste of your 20s..... WHAT THE HELL?
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  • edited December 2011
    Jeana, I thought it was off, but I mostly just took offense because I'll be 28 in less than three weeks, and I'm not engaged, and it certainly has NOT been a waste of my 20s.
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  • edited December 2011
    Thanks to everyone for their input.  I truly can see both sides...  But personally (as hard as it is because I am so stubborn) I'm going to try my best to not add any pressure at the moment.  Like mentioned in the previous post - he's not going anywhere.  I'm sure we'll talk about it more in the next few months - but I'd like to see what the holidays bring.  I'd hate to be so whiney that it ruins any possible surprise.  And not that it's important, but just to clarify - He is 100% straight.  We've chosen to wait until marriage because it's important to me in my faith. 
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  • callalilly323callalilly323
    100 Comments
    member
    edited December 2011
    Just reading through these, I have to say that I agree with luv626kee.She's stating a few obvious truths: if a guy is into you he's going to marry you, ESPECIALLY after 4 years of no sex. I don't think that's sex obsessed, I think it's a fact. You need to have a chat.I think it's silly to be offended by the statement that waiting around for someone for 10 years is a waste of one's 20s. I don't think that's what she was saying at all. It's one thing to be 28 and either single or in a relationship that is definitely heading somewhere. It's a completely different story when either individual is nervous about broaching the topic and it turns out that you wasted all that time with someone who wasn't waiting around for you. How devastating!Bridesmaid x 7, I wish you the absolute best with everything. I'm in nearly the same boat and am waiting for a ring. I know how difficult bringing the subject up can be as you don't want to seem overeager, but you have every right to know where you relationship is going at this point. It's not desperate, it's practical.
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