What's wrong with dancing?

MoFree · October 2009

I see from a previous post that male-female dancing is not done at some Orthodox weddings. What's the reason for the prohibition on a husband and wife dancing together? To me it seems like the most way to celebrate a joyous occasion. Can someone please explain the reasoning behind this. TIA.

Rachiemoo · October 2009

I don't believe that Orthodox Jews think that there is anything wrong with a husband and wife dancing together. Many choose and prefer to do this sort of thing in private though.The reason for this [and I'm not an expert so please, someone correct me if I'm wrong] is that for those that follow the laws of family purity, husband and wife can not touch during your period and for the 7 days after your period is over. Therefore, a lot of observant Jews choose to not touch in public at all, or to only touch minimally so that those around them will not know when they are niddah (when you are menstruating / before you have gone into the mikvah). Also, generally some people may feel it is not modest to touch in public or it may just be the custom of their communities to not touch in public.Observant Jews who aren't married are generally shomer negiah, so they wouldn't dance with someone of the opposite sex anyways.Separate dancing allows people to dance without having to worry about any issues.You may remember that Jews who have just been married often hold a napkin at both ends and "dance" together without touching, this is where that custom comes from.

goldgold · October 2009

The Orthodox weddings I've been to have been separated by a divider. I believe the newly-weds may have not even danced together. They did have video screens for the women to watch the men dance (and boy do they!). My cousins seemed happy enough dancing with friends and family!

goldgold · October 2009

let me add to that last sentence... of the same gender!

tenofcups4me · October 2009

I'm surprised you haven't gotten more responses from women who are orthodox and subscribe to those customs or at least have family who do. I'm not so I don't understand the fundamental reasoning behind it, although I believe it's to ensure that men and women who aren't married don't touch (the reasoning behind that escapes me). I do know it's the same kind of reasoning that leads to men and women sitting in completely separate sections at an orthodox synagogue. Taken to an *extreme,* it's the same reasoning that led to a hassidic man getting extremely upset that he had to sit next to me, a woman, on a flight to Israel. He asked me to move and I declined. If he didn't want to sit next to me, that was his problem, not mine. (He did find someone to switch with him.) Frankly, the whole episode kind of turned my stomach. Or taken to an even further extreme, it's the same reasoning that has led to some ultra-orthodox in Israel demanding buses segregated by gender -- and even stoning buses that aren't. (Google "orthodox Israel bus segregation stoning" for some appalling articles.) Shades of the Taliban... I've only attended one orthodox wedding and the woman was a self-described "modern orthodox." For the most part, men and women were separated at the ceremony and during the reception BUT for those of us who weren't orthodox, they arranged the seating so that those men could sit on the women's side. It was an interesting "compromise."

Danaz1 · October 2009

I respect their right to not dance or sit seperately so I think they should respect your right to mix everyone. Does anyone remember the curb your enthusiasm epidsode where larry is stuck on the ski lift after dark with the orthodox women. So she ends up jumping so she is not alone with him after dark. if not look on you tube so funny

tenofcups4me · October 2009

I remember that one! If I remember right, she wanted HIM to jump down and he said no. One of the very few times I think Larry actually got it right :-)

2dBride · October 2009

Basically, in Orthodox tradition, a husband is not supposed to touch his wife if she is having her period or has not yet been to the mikvah after her period. Thus, if male-female dancing were allowed at all, it would be like an announcement to the world of whether she was having her period or not. To avoid this, public dancing is same-sex only.

Rebecca Toriello · October 2009

I am going to have mixed dancing at my wedding and bring in Kosher meals for my Orthodox guests; I will let my guests know there will be mixed dancing, so they can make a choice.

lachlom · November 2009

While some people touched points, here's a fuller answer.Despite the fact that not everyone would be shomer negiah(and you don't, btw, stop being shomer negiah after marriage; after marriage you wuold be allowed to touch your spouse but NOT others of the opposite gender), in an Orthodox setting, be it a wedding or shul or event, you assume everyone around you is shomer negiah. Even dancing that doesn't involve holding onto each other leaves much opportunity to touch. If anything, this makes those who ARE shomer negiah incredibly uncomfortable.You can't really differentiate between the married couples and non married couples for dancing. What will you do, police it? Have a special wristband for a special married only room? It doesn't make any sense. How to you make the couples who are married not 'switch partners' for dancing essentially? There is no way to regulate it so those who are married are allowed to dance together and no one else.Even further with this, if you were able to find a way so all the couples could dance, there is a prohibition against publicly sharing a woman's status as a niddah. If you are refusing to touch your wife, while all other couples are dancing, you are basically letting everyone know she is niddah. It's a bit embarrassing to be the ONLY COUPLE not touching, it's just waving a huge red flag(no pun intended), whether people are paying attention or not.At the most recent Orthodox wedding I attended, the bride and groom did dance together at a few certain times, where the men paraded into the women's section and 'stole' the bride. However, it was not an ultra-orthodox wedding, so this wouldn't always fly.Also, about the whole "I respect their separate dancing, they should respect my mixed dancing". If they feel mixed dancing is inappropriate or makes them uncomfortable, they won't dance. That's simply it. I don't think anyone would be rude enough to expect separate dancing(other than your Rabbi, if you were being married by an Orthodox Rabbi...but he'd also expect your arms and cleavage to be covered, your food to be kosher, and the men involved to be wearing kippot, etc...), but you can't possibly expect them to feel comfortable with mixed dancing.

What's wrong with dancing?

Re: What's wrong with dancing?

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