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Invite List Question

matuofmmatuofm member
First Comment
in Michigan-Detroit
I think I'm just looking for validation that I'm not a awful person here, but if you think I'm wrong, that'd be helpful too. 

FI's twin brother is getting married a month before us.  FMIL put together a guest list for them, which included everyone on their side of the family and also FMIL and FFIL's friends that they'd like to see invited.  As far as I know, everyone who was put on that list got invited to FBIL's wedding.

We took that same guest list (conveniently already put together - yay!) and used it for our wedding.  However...FI balked at a couple of his parents' friends.  He was fine with the first three couples, who are around fairly often and who sometimes did joint family events with them all when he was growing up.  But the fourth couple?  He's met the husband exactly once and the wife never.  He (and, to be fair, I) have no interest in people being there who we BOTH have to be introduced to.  Especially since it's only 100 guests as is.

The thing is...I'm feeling guilty about this.  I feel like we have no responsibility, etiquette-wise, to invite this couple.  We don't know them, and FI's parents aren't hosting the wedding, so that issue's not in play here.  But I feel like we're going to hurt their feelings by comparison.  "The rest of Joe and Sally's friends were invited...and we're not."  AND..".a month ago we were invited to Joe's first son's wedding...but not this one.  And everyone else is."

If it were up to me, I'd probably just throw them onto the invite list to play it safe.  But FI feels pretty strongly about this, so I don't want to demand that if I'm just being overly sensitive.  So what do you think?  Am I overthinking this?
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Re: Invite List Question

  • emarston1emarston1 member
    Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Did they get save the dates?  If yes, they must be invited.

    If not, and they are only asking to invite 4 couples, I would say it's not worth the fight over this one couple.  These are his parents and if they are close friends with this couple, let them be invited.  This is a big day for parents too and if it won't break the bank, tell your fiance to suck it up and invite them.  You know the phrase, "choose your battles."  This would be one of those situations.

    And I think you're right that it could cause a huge rift between his parents and this couple if they find out the other people were invited to both weddings but they were only invited to theirs.

    If you choose not to invite them, your fiance needs to be the one to have this discussion with his parents.  You need to stay out of it.
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  • rcj2rcdrcj2rcd
    Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    FBIL is getting married 6 weeks after us. I sat down with FFIL and FMIL and we made our guest list, then copied 90% of it to use as the base for FBILs guest list. When we compiled everything, there were ppl on our list that were not on FBILs list. This was decided on a person by person basis. At first, no one would give any ground, so I had to put the guest list in terms of "this is our budget...this is our venue capacity...". Have STDs or invites gone out for the other wedding? Talk to FILs and determine who can be cut from the list. If it's one or two couples, then I wouldn't make a big fuss of it, but if they're busting your budget, then they'll have to be cut or FILs will have to pitch in to help with the cost of extra ppl.
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  • Allycat11Allycat11
    Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    First of all yes you are overthinking this but I would be too :) 

    If it doesn't break the bank, I would say to just invite the couple, it's not wrth the potential fight.  Also, if FI insists on not having them, that's between him and his parents and you need to stay out of that battle.
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  • matuofmmatuofm member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    oooh...embarassing clarification:

    apparently, according to a conversation an hour ago with FI, Bob and Shawn are not Bob&Shawn the life partners, as I assumed they are because they've been mentioned in the same breath every time they came up.  They are "our friend Bob" and "our friend Shawn," who have no other connection between them besides the fact that they are both the FILs' friends.  Well THAT was a horrible faux pas just waiting to happen....

    I don't feel nearly so bad about TWO people out of 5 not being invited.  And apparently (thank you for passing all pertinent information on, dear FI), FMIL actually told him there was no reason to invite Bob and Shawn, since he's never met them, whereas his brother has.  So.  I thank you all for your help.  I appreciate it very much.  But apparently this is all moot.

    *slinks away*
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  • emarston1emarston1 member
    Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Yikes that would have been super embarassing but REALLY funny as well if the invite had gone out to Bob&Shawn life partners.

    Glad it worked out for you :)
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  • Meg1036Meg1036
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Hey, glad that worked out!

    If it hadn't, I was going to support you in saying that your guest lists don't have to match your FBIL's.  FI's sister is also getting married this year, and they had an ability to invite many more extended family than we did (think 2nd cousins).  I *do* feel bad "by comparison" as you say, since they'll know that there are two weddings this year and they are only invited to one of them, but ultimately, each wedding is its own event with its own guest list.
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  • Allycat11Allycat11
    Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Haha love it <3

    My mom is actually addressing our save the dates this week and before forwarding her the guest lis I made some changes to avoid confusion. 

    We are inviting FI's sister's MIL and BIL.  MIL is not married. BIL is 30 and lives with his mom. MY FMIL said they didn't need guests, so they were on the list one line apart, with the same address and same last name.  I put &guest by each of them to ensure it went out as 2 invites: Mr. N. Smith and guest and Mrs. M Smith and guest. Not Mr. & Mrs. N Smith, referring to mother and son.  And financially, yes we are prepared for the +1s to show up which would be no big deal. 
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  • matuofmmatuofm member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_michigan-detroit_invite-list-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:88Discussion:c1677e09-343b-4bbd-a598-d849da366072Post:e3d84fa0-28c5-4211-b912-e088541907a9">Re: Invite List Question</a>:
    [QUOTE]Haha love it <3 My mom is actually addressing our save the dates this week and before forwarding her the guest lis I made some changes to avoid confusion.  We are inviting FI's sister's MIL and BIL.  MIL is not married. BIL is 30 and lives with his mom. MY FMIL said they didn't need guests, so they were on the list one line apart, with the same address and same last name.  I put &guest by each of them to ensure it went out as 2 invites: Mr. N. Smith and guest and Mrs. M Smith and guest. Not Mr. & Mrs. N Smith, referring to mother and son.  And financially, yes we are prepared for the +1s to show up which would be no big deal. 
    Posted by Allycat11[/QUOTE]

    Yeah, nobody wants to find out they're expected to date their mom for the night.  :)  BTW, way to go mom for addressing the STDs!  Mine took me DAYS to finish.  Bleh.
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