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Ex is as it again

nyreknyrek member
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in Second Weddings
In a nutshell: my ex has never paid his child support, moves from house to house usally an average of once a year, hasn't been able to hold a job in several years, has had his car re-po'd, etc. (Yeah...shocker I'm not still with him, huh) Several years ago, when my oldest was 12...ex started manipulating him and training him to act out and keep getting in trouble so I would be more receptive to letting him go live with his dad. (I wasn't aware of the manipulation until after my son moved out.) Anyways...it has been horrible for my son...he loves his dad and doesn't want to hurt him by moving back home, but my son since living with his dad now has a juvenile record and is still on probation until end of December. So last night, my daughter, now 12, turning 13 in December, sits me down and says her dad has started calling her and talking to her about moving to TN with them as well. He's telling her how our house is just "full of sickness" (we had the flu go around for a week and a half ???) and she would be so much better off with him and would have so many more opportunities, etc. We had a good heart to heart, and I very calmly and rationally explained why I felt it was in her best interest to stay living with me. She loves her dad and misses him terribly since he moved to TN. (Now they only see him 1/2 the summer and every few holidays...and most of those he forfeits saying he can't afford to get them.) I will not willingly let her go down there to that situation...which means if he really wants to, he'll have to fight it in court here in OH. Do any of you have any experience with this? My mistake with my son was consenting to the original move...trying to get him back through the courts after all this stuff went down with the juvy record proved unsuccessful. If I don't agree to let her go, doesn't he have to try and prove me an unfit mother to take custody of her? I'm planning on just letting this go for now...I don't want to make it a big deal for my daughter. She has already told me that she doesn't want to choose between parents...and I explained she doesn't have to. The courts have already ordered she stay with me for a reason. There's no reason to change that if she isn't comfortable with it. I just don't know if there's any more I should be doing...or just wait to see if anything comes of this. Any help or advice you guys have would be most appreciated. Thanks much!
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Re: Ex is as it again

  • JJWC3387JJWC3387 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I can see how you are in between a rock and a hard place. Being the daugher of divorced parents, I realize there came a time in my life when I need to be around my dad (around age 15). My dad, being a responsible man, taught me things about life in the way only a dad can. For your situation, things seem a lilttle different. Contact a lawyer to see what your legal rights are. For the rest, follow your heart.....and your logic.
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  • right1thistimeright1thistime member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I am sorry to hear you going through this.  Your mother instincts are correct.  Don't give up the custody to him under any circumstances.  Your DD would perceive that as what YOU think is in her best interests, or as YOU wanting to send her away.  The good news is that a man who is barely employed and one step away from being homeless is unlikely to muster the ability to pay for a custody trial.  However, be cautious with the visitation, as he could easily just refuse to send her back at the end of her visits. Your children are not driving this bus-- so you can reassure your DD that the decision is NOT hers to make.  That it is your job to decide what is best for her, and that you have decided that the present situation is indeed the best.  That way, when her dad pressures her, she can legitimately say, "Yeah, I wish I could come live with you, Dad, but mean old Mom says I can't.  She's so rotten."  If xH eats that up, she will just realize even more what an idiot he is, at least on the inside- it will take a while for her to figure that out in her conscious mind. Not sure how on the ball he is, but remember that if child support is ordered when they live with you, it can just as easily be ordered for YOU to pay to HIM-- and this can be a BIG motivating factor in the dirtbag dad department.  So be sure you have really really good documentation in the unpaid CS arena- so that if he were to try to get you to pay him- you could debit that against his arrearages, rather than actually sending him any cash.  My conversation with my DD at about that age went like this: "You know that your dad has to pay child support and that amount is $50 per week for both you and your brother.  He has not been able to afford that.  It costs much much more to actually have you live with me, so I am concerned about how he would support you.  He also has not been able to afford to see you on his regularly scheduled weekend visits, and that concerns me as well.  If he cannot afford you 2 days out of 14, I am not sure how he would afford you for 12 of 14."  My DD then said- why 12 of 14?? And I said, because I would want to have you very other weekend, and I wouldn't give those days up no matter what.  That was the A-Ha for her-  that if the shoe were on the other foot, I would be fighting to have her every minute I could.  Good luck.  ~Donna
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