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Rehersal Lunch?

leoraannaleoraanna member
First Anniversary First Comment
in Jewish Weddings
Hey there everyone! I am recently engaged (just two weeks! woohoo!!) and there is something that I feel I need to take care of soon before it gets out of control. My future mother in law is nice and really wants to plan the rehersal dinner. Only problem, is that my family always has a big Shabbat dinner every week, and for weekend family events, it is always a very special thing to spend it with my whole family (the extended and out of town). My mother just got married two years ago and I loved how the night before her wedding, everyone came together for a beautiful Shabbat dinner that tons of people in the family helped plan and cook for and set up. I have always wanted this the night before my wedding- a chance to see everyone from out of town and welcome Shabbat surrounded by family.

So? Well, I am worried that my MIL won't understand this. She isn't Jewish (but my fiance comes to Shabbat dinner at my parents' house every week with me) and said "It's just one night, you can not do it this one time." My parents suggested that we offer them a rehersal lunch or brunch, since the rehersal would be earlier in the day rather than the evening anyway. What do you all think? Does it sound like an OK idea? I need some reassurance before talking to them. Thanks everyone!
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Re: Rehersal Lunch?

  • abrown351abrown351
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Absolutely you can ask for the brunch/lunch instead, but another idea is to see if she would be interested in hosting a morning after brunch on Sunday. Then you can still have your Shabbat dinner as is usual and customary in your family to be able to continue that tradition and still provide your FMIL the opportunity to host a pre/post wedding event. 

    Just my 2 cents.

    Rae
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  • goldgoldgoldgold
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Of course you can do lunch instead of dinner. I can understand that you would like to have a dinner, but it would be weird for FMIL to host this since she isn't Jewish. You could always have a small, family only dinner the same night.
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  • october010brideoctober010bride
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I think its fine for you to say something to your FMIL but be ready for her to get upset. I think your idea about a rehearsal brunch is a good compromise but it still might not make her happy.

    Are you being married by a Jewish officiant? I only ask because they do not run rehearsals like non-Jewish officiants do. Not sure if that matters but just something to remember if you hadn't been aware yet.
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  • leoraannaleoraanna member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Thanks for the advice everyone! I know, I should expect some frustration from both sides, but I just wish that i didn't have to. I am having the ceremony officiated by a Rabbi, but I am expecting the wedding consultant to run the rehersal. I have only been to one wedding where I was invited to the rehersal, my mother's and she used the same consultant that I am using. I think that offering the day after brunch/breakfast/lunch might also be a nice idea. She is just so hell-bent on this rehersal dinner and would just rather stay away from the stress. If anyone else wants to comment though, I wouldn't mind at all. Thanks knotties!
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  • silversparkssilversparks member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I agree with PPs that the brunch may be a good compromise - but I think if you just got engaged 2 weeks ago, it's too early to be planning rehearsal dinners and extra events (your wedding is over 10 months away!) so don't let this stress you out too much!
    I think your FMIL is primarily trying to show you that she wants to be involved in the planning, and she's offering to do the part that she understands as hers, since the rehearsal dinner is traditionally given by the groom's side. This is what she knows, so thank her graciously, and then help her to understand all the differences in a Jewish wedding so that she will feel comfortable, welcome, and appreciated.
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  • IG.museIG.muse
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    My response may come from me not fully understanding all the details of a Shabbat dinner (I'm more of a secular Jew, I guess), but is it really a complete impossibility to combine a rehearsal dinner that she can host with a Shabbat dinner? She might not mind it as it's a way for her to honor the traditions of her future daughter in law and still have the opportunity to host the event that's so important to her. Maybe you can talk to your family about a way to have her host with some input from you or your mom. I guess this would require a careful definition of hosting and a thoughtful division of responsibilities. Can she cook, order catering, send invites? Can your side relinquish some control of the food to her?

    I think with mutual understanding and maybe a little compromise, it can be done, and I think it could be very touching and lovely.
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  • leoraannaleoraanna member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Thanks again everyone. I certainly hope that her intentions are as good as some of you are suggesting. It's funny too because I know it is almost 11 months away, and that is why I don't even think about it- until she mentions it. She tells me in very matter-of-fact ways that she wants to do things her way, so that is where the stress may be coming from. That is why I am talking about it now too, because I feel like really if I don't nip it in the butt now, she will start planning things like she says she wants to.

    Is it possible she is just testing me or something?

    I really wish that her intentions are as good as hoped, but my experience with her in the last 4.5 years is not as such. She's a little more "I will act interested and involved so I can get what I want" so we'll see...
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  • silversparkssilversparks member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011

    Leoraaana - if your experience with her over the last 4.5 years is that it's her way or the high way, then yes, that is probably what is happening here too. DO NOT let her stress you out! By responding graciously that you would love for her to be involved and then giving her very specific responsibilities that can be all hers you CAN nip this in the butt. Decide what you are willing to delegate to her (it does not have to be Shabbat dinner) and then smile and nod. If she persists, your FI may have to talk to her... but you haven't said what he thinks of all this yet?

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  • abrown351abrown351
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Leoraanna,

    I hate to say this, but I think this problem maybe bigger than you.  If your experience with her has proven that she is going to try and bully and intimidate you to doing what SHE wants, I would say it is time for her to have a little sit down with her son.  Your FI may need to put his foot down, and tell her in no uncertain terms what you both want for the night before your wedding.  If he has been attending your family's weekly Shabbat dinners for years now, it has become a tradition to him as well as to you.  It is now your tradition collectively.  He may need to explain that to her, and in my opinion he needs to make sure she understands that this is a firm decision.  That you both want her help and value her input in the planning of your special day, but that all final decisions are going to be made by the pair of you.  

    Anyway.  I hope this helps.  I am sorry you are stressing so much so early in your planning, but hopefully dealing with this issue firmly will make the rest go smoothly.

    Rae  
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