Christian Weddings

Question for all you married ladies

In all the books we've been reading getting ready for our marriage, they all seem to mention that same thing: The first year of marriage is terrible.

Is this really true?

FI and I know each other pretty well (been together for over 3 years) and don't think that things will so so terrible. Obviously we understand that living together will be a new and interesting situation. We will have to deal with how the other person lives and stuff like that. But is it really so awful the first year?
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Re: Question for all you married ladies

  • DramaGeekDramaGeek
    2500 Comments 5 Love Its
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    edited December 2011
    I always heard that too, but I thought we had an awesome first year of marriage.  Oh sure, there were arguments and irritations as we learned to live with one another, share money, and work out the kinks of what it means to be married, but it was overall a very pleasant experience.

    Year six, on the other hand, sucked.
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to Re: Question for all you married ladies:
    I always heard that too, but I thought we had an awesome first year of marriage.  Oh sure, there were arguments and irritations as we learned to live with one another, share money, and work out the kinks of what it means to be married, but it was overall a very pleasant experience. Year six, on the other hand, sucked.
    Posted by DramaGeek

    If you don't mind me asking, what made year 6 suck?
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  • edited December 2011
    I've only been married for 2 weeks, haha, BUT these 2 weeks have been great! I think the only reason the first year would be terrible is if both people aren't willing to communicate effectively. Communication is probably the single most important thing in a marriage, in my opinion, because, without good communication, couples don't understand each other as well. That's not to say there won't be problems- there always will because we're humans and not perfect- but good communication helps us to work through them. So I can't REALLY answer your question until we've been married for a year, haha, but I think your first year will be great as long as you are both committed to each other and to following God's will. 
  • azdancer8azdancer8
    1000 Comments
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    edited December 2011
    We've only been married six months, so I can't speak for the entire year. But the first five months were absolutely wonderful! This month has been stressful, granted, but that's more due to work and family stuff than it is the two of us.

    I also know a few couples that DID have a very bad first year, and the common elements between them were stressful work environments and money issues.
  • mrandmrsbristmrandmrsbrist
    1000 Comments Second Anniversary
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    edited December 2011
    I've been wondering about this as well. When I talked to FI about it, he was really optimistic and didn't think we'd have a problem. I'm not sure if that scared me more or if it calmed me down. Haha!
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  • edited December 2011
    In Response to Re: Question for all you married ladies:
    I've been wondering about this as well. When I talked to FI about it, he was really optimistic and didn't think we'd have a problem. I'm not sure if that scared me more or if it calmed me down. Haha!
    Posted by mrandmrsbrist
    I'm pretty optimistic about it too. I do know it's going to be different, but I doubt it'll be enough for me to ever think "what the heck did we get married for"
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  • mrandmrsbristmrandmrsbrist
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    edited December 2011
    In Response to Re: Question for all you married ladies:
    In Response to Re: Question for all you married ladies : I'm pretty optimistic about it too. I do know it's going to be different, but I doubt it'll be enough for me to ever think "what the heck did we get married for"
    Posted by drama1308
    Oh, yeah.

    Do people ask you if you're "getting nervous yet" ? It's starting to piss me off. I feel like I have to say yes for some odd reason. I'm not nervous!
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  • edited December 2011
    In Response to Re: Question for all you married ladies:
    In Response to Re: Question for all you married ladies : Oh, yeah. Do people ask you if you're "getting nervous yet" ? It's starting to piss me off. I feel like I have to say yes for some odd reason. I'm not nervous!
    Posted by mrandmrsbrist
    Everybody asks if I'm nervous!! and truth is I am!! I'm nervous about standing in front of everybody and living all on our own. I was really nervous about our house situation, but like always God answered our prayers. But, nervous about being married to this man for the rest of my life, no!
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  • GJones27GJones27
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    edited December 2011
    It's been hard for us, I won't lie.  We've been married two months after being together for five years.  We're not actually living together yet (I'm moving up to his city next week).  Due to long distance we have all the downsides and few of the positives that people typically experience.  I'm hoping that will change once I'm near him.  But then again, it may be unique to our special circumstances.
  • edited December 2011
    I'm more nervous about the details of the wedding than the being married part...
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  • edited December 2011
    In Response to Re: Question for all you married ladies:
    In Response to Re: Question for all you married ladies : Everybody asks if I'm nervous!! and truth is I am!! I'm nervous about standing in front of everybody and living all on our own. I was really nervous about our house situation, but like always God answered our prayers. But, nervous about being married to this man for the rest of my life, no!
    Posted by drama1308
    I get asked if I'm nervous all the time and it drives me insane!  I am not nervous about the wedding details (yet, lol), I am not nervous about marrying FI, and I am certainly not nervous about standing up in front of people.
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  • SuMmErKuTiESuMmErKuTiE
    2500 Comments Fourth Anniversary 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
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    edited December 2011
    Our first year FLEW by because we had so many big life changes. After we got back from the HM we were only in our home state for about another 2 months before I got the job down here in FL and we picked up and moved. When we got down here DH didn't have a job for the first 3 months so we were living on just my income which was hard, but we made it work plus we used a lot of savings. Then we started building our house so again we were under a lot of stress.

    Was it easy? No, but it also was definitley NOT terrible! We're growing together and learning together through our marriage. Marriage isn't supposed to be easy, it's supposed to be something you work at every day. Communication is HUGE, but DH and I already had that part down long before we married. We always communicate all our feelings and haven't had any problems with miscommunication thankfully.
  • edited December 2011
    Well, I've only been married about 2 months but it is NOT terrible :) We have random little fights over things like dishes, chores... you know.. the dumb stuff  that doesn't actually matter :) Besides that, I'd say that the books like that exaggerate to prepare you for a major life change. You're living with a boy, you now have a partner in all of your daily life projects and you have to consult someone on so many things, which can be weird if you've never done that before and it prepares you for the fact that you may disagree about a lot of stuff you've never talked about before.
  • iamjoesgurliamjoesgurl
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary
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    edited December 2011

    We've been married over a year and a half so I can comment on the whole first year too.  I think the biggest struggle for me was knowing when to speak up about something that was bothering me without being a nag about it.  It took me some time to work through knowing when to say something and when to let it go.  For example, when he doesn't clean up after himself in the common bathroom vs. when he doesn't clean up after himself in the man cave.  It is important to have a clean bathroom and especially if guests are over.  It's not important to keep things picked up in his man cave even though I would prefer that.

    Other than that, we adjusted very well and had a great first year.  It was stressful that he was unemployed for the first 6 months, but we didn't let it get to us. 

    I think I agree with everyone that communication is key.  When you start living with anyone new, you have to be able to communicate or it will be miserable.  Especially when that someone is your husband - you have a lot more to communicate about.  Just talk before you get married about your expectations of each other like cleaning the house, doing the laundry, paying the bills, etc.  If you agree on how to handle these things up front, it will make it easier to handle your new life together.

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  • xstarx05xxstarx05x
    Seventh Anniversary 500 Comments
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    edited December 2011
    In Response to Re: Question for all you married ladies:
    In Response to Re: Question for all you married ladies : Oh, yeah. Do people ask you if you're "getting nervous yet" ? It's starting to piss me off. I feel like I have to say yes for some odd reason. I'm not nervous!
    Posted by mrandmrsbrist
    I think a couple people asked if we were nervous, but i remember more people asking *why* we're getting married. Maybe that's because it irked me more. 

    We were 23 when we got married in January, and I guess people think that's young these days. Probably cuz the world has such a phobia of marriage (hey look, there's a word for that! "gamaphobic"). But I guess I see how someone would be nervouse if they have a problem with commitment and don't have a trusting relationship.

    Back to OP, so the past 6 months overall have been beautiful :)  I think what helps is we've always been so open when we talk and we know what life is like without each other. That's the plus side of having had a long-distance relationship :)  We had to have more serious conversations than people usually do who just met 2 months ago, and being in different countries for 6 months at a time really lets us appreciate simply being together. And when we were in the same country, we stayed with each other's families, so we already knew what it's like to see each other everyday. 

    We had some experience talking about expenses with each other, when financing plane tickets and visas, so that took some pressure off of that. But we're still getting used to the monthly clockwork of bills and being on top of that (paying things on time, making sure enough money's in the joint account, and budgetting). That's probably been the toughest.

    So as long as you and FI are completely comfortable with each other, always talk about what's on your mind (altho timing is important), and never forget how freakin excited you are right now to finally live together and cuddle every night (amongst other things!), you'll be fantastic :) 

    AND above all... ALWAYS keep God at the center of your lives! 

    "A cord of 3 strands is not easily broken" Ecc4.12

    If you live a life that honors God, you'll be honoring each other & your marriage will be blessed :)

    save the date
    "Here we stand from two distant lands, brought together by His hand" <3 my Aussie <BR>
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to Re: Question for all you married ladies:
    In Response to Re: Question for all you married ladies : I think a couple people asked if we were nervous, but i remember more people asking *why* we're getting married. Maybe that's because it irked me more.  We were 23 when we got married in January, and I guess people think that's young these days. Probably cuz the world has such a phobia of marriage (hey look, there's a word for that! "gamaphobic"). But I guess I see how someone would be nervouse if they have a problem with commitment and don't have a trusting relationship. Back to OP, so the past 6 months overall have been beautiful :)  I think what helps is we've always been so open when we talk and we know what life is like without each other. That's the plus side of having had a long-distance relationship :)  We had to have more serious conversations than people usually do who just met 2 months ago, and being in different countries for 6 months at a time really lets us appreciate simply being together. And when we were in the same country, we stayed with each other's families, so we already knew what it's like to see each other everyday.  We had some experience talking about expenses with each other, when financing plane tickets and visas, so that took some pressure off of that. But we're still getting used to the monthly clockwork of bills and being on top of that (paying things on time, making sure enough money's in the joint account, and budgetting). That's probably been the toughest. So as long as you and FI are completely comfortable with each other, always talk about what's on your mind (altho timing is important), and never forget how freakin excited you are right now to finally live together and cuddle every night (amongst other things!), you'll be fantastic :)  AND above all... ALWAYS keep God at the center of your lives!  "A cord of 3 strands is not easily broken" Ecc4.12 If you live a life that honors God, you'll be honoring each other & your marriage will be blessed :)
    Posted by xstarx05x
    :D I choose all of the above!! I figured that this is what it would take, and I now I have more than a few examples.
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  • DramaGeekDramaGeek
    2500 Comments 5 Love Its
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    edited December 2011
    In Response to Re: Question for all you married ladies:
    In Response to Re: Question for all you married ladies : If you don't mind me asking, what made year 6 suck?
    Posted by drama1308
    For the first 18 months we were married, I was in school so I had a lot of homework and whatnot.  H seemed to "get" that and pitched in a lot more for housework, and we lived in a tiny house so there wasn't a ton of housework to be done.  The next 3 years, I worked as a substitute teacher, so I had a lot of time to do the housework since I didn't work every day, didn't have any grading or planning to do after work, etc.

    I finally got a full time job after 5 years of marriage, and around the same time we got a dog.  After a year at that job, we moved to a bigger house.  Bigger house + a dog who sheds = more housework, but my job meant I had a lot less time.  I was the breadwinner and felt really stressed that I had to go to work all day, then come home and do all of the housework.  H seemed to be regressing, doing less and less.  We stopped communicating (there's that word again!), and it went way downhill.  We were also incredibly stressed because there was a distinct possibility I was going to lose my job, which just exacerbated our problems.

    I think I've shared this before, but it all finally came to a head one day when H walked into our bedroom to see me sitting on the edge of our bed, wearing my bathroom, folding socks, and bawling.  He finally understood how stressed I felt.  I told him that if he wanted a maid, he should have hired one instead of marrying me.  Not at all nice, but we were long past civil conversations.  We had a lot of long conversations and worked through the issues we were having, but it was really rough for a while, to the point that before the conversations finally started I was avoiding coming home as much as possible.

    Things have turned around dramatically since then.  December will be 9 years and the past 3 years have just gotten better every day.
  • edited December 2011
    Everyone asked me if I was nervous all the way up to the second I was about to walk down the stairs to marry the boy and I said no everytime and their responses were always a shocked, "You're not?!"  I just let it go.  :P

    We haven't been married a year, just since May 1st, but so far it's no different than when we were dating or engaged other than we get to sleep in the same bed and live together and other obvious things.  ;)  So far it's been great!!

    As for my sister and her hubby - awful:  But she's high stress and he's immature.  Plus he didn't have a job for a while, and she had to carry all the weight.  And he's immature, and she's high stress..... :P
  • ochemjennochemjenn
    500 Comments Second Anniversary 5 Love Its
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    edited December 2011
    The first month was great, but the second month has been horrible.  Why did it get bad?  We'd been married 4 weeks and one day when Shirley (guinea pig) died.  DH started a time-consuming (60-80 hours per week) rotation the next day.  We're in a new city where we don't know anyone, and neither of us likes where we are (DH was placed here).  My depression has gotten out of control.

    We are optimistic about months 3 and 4.  DH won't be at the hospital as much, and I'm going to start counseling to get my depression under control (hopefully).  We're healing from the lose of Shirley.  Month 5 DH will be on a rough rotation again, and we've started talking about how we're going to handle it.
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  • xstarx05xxstarx05x
    Seventh Anniversary 500 Comments
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    edited December 2011
    ochemjenn - Sorry to hear about all that :(  Don't you just hate it when everything hits at once? 

    DH gets pretty bad hours some weeks too. This week he's been working 3pm to midnight, which is nothing when SIL (she's a nurse) works dusk to dawn sometimes. I bet it's similar for your hubby? I've been unemployed (only since mid-June) and when he's not around I'm sooo unmotivated to do anything. But then I get bored and then I get lonely and sad. I think I just have to get off my butt. (like right now)

    I am such an animal person! Everyone's shocked we don't have a cat yet. I get my fix seeing my mom's cats. And when we were living with DH's family they had 5 cats and 5 dogs. Miss them so much. I bet Shirley was the cutest and very entertaining :)  Sounds like your hubby loved her too, so I bet you have a lot of fun memories to talk about.

    Are you far from friends and family where you've moved to? We're in a new area and it was tough adjusting. My family isn't too far, however his is in Australia! Miss them sooo much, especially the little ones. My friends are a bit out of the way, but we've sort of drifted as my life became more Christ-centered. It definitely sucks starting at square one again in the social life department. I needed to remember to really put myself out there to meet people, which is difficult when you're not feeling yourself. But once we forced ourselves to get involved at a new church, especially bible study (for young adults), we felt much more at home. 

    Glad that you're optimistic! Just remember what that first month was like and all the good things in your life now as a married couple that you were looking forward to when you got engaged :)  I pray for healing in both of you (grief, your depression, and I imagine he gets fatigued by bad hours), a good counselor, better hours, confidence & blessings in your new life!

    save the date
    "Here we stand from two distant lands, brought together by His hand" <3 my Aussie <BR>
  • ochemjennochemjenn
    500 Comments Second Anniversary 5 Love Its
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    edited December 2011
    xstarx05x - It's 7am-7pm M-F plus another 12 hour shift most weekends.  Sometimes he's kept later.  3pm-midnight sounds horrible too - that can really mess up your sleep schedule!

    You should get a cat!  It's nice having company.  I told DH last night I want a cat.  I'm allergic to cats, but I visited friends this weekend and they have cats.  We're about 4 hours away from where we used to live in NC and 6 hours from his parents.  We're closer (2 hours if we don't hit rush hour) to an aunt, another young couple, and older family friend.  We visited the couple on the weekend DH had off entirely.  We're going to try to get there at least once a month.

    I'm glad you found a new church!  We've decided on one, and I'm going to join the women's Bible study.  I have to wait until next week because it's every other week, and I missed last week because I'd flown out to Kentucky.  I may have had a rough month, but I am SO thankful that He gave me peace during my travels!
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  • xstarx05xxstarx05x
    Seventh Anniversary 500 Comments
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    edited December 2011
    ochemjenn - Glad that you found a church! That'll be so good :)  Yeah our young adult worship every other week which was difficult getting to know people cuz if you don't go to every one, you might not see the same people for like a month. Our bible study is every thursday tho, so that's good. DH usually isn't able to make it cuz of work :( But after going a couple times with him I started going alone and made some friends :) yay! Plus it keeps my spirits up :)

    save the date
    "Here we stand from two distant lands, brought together by His hand" <3 my Aussie <BR>
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