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my mother's strong suggestion.

dwebster02dwebster02
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in Moms and Maids
so, when i was growing up, i had this one babysitter.  and she... i guess.... loved us.  she loved us so much that when she got married, i was in the wedding.

when i was 14, i was a junior bridesmaid in my babysitter's wedding.  she's probably twice as old as i am.  she's great and everything - LOVES our family, totally sweet, and loves us.

i'll call her M.

my mother recently suggested to me that i include M somehow in my wedding day.  i was like... uh... well... i already have all my bridesmaids.  i don't think i'd ask her to be a personal attendant and yet i wouldn't want to give her a crap job like guest book (i feel like that would be just awful).  and honestly, the thought never occurred to me to include M in my wedding day.  my mom said "well, she loves us.  and she loves you.  she wanted you to be part of her day.  you just have to include her somehow."

i hate that she said that to me because i know that just because i was a bridesmaid in someone else's wedding, it doesn't mean i have to include that person in mine.  but i still feel a little obligated.

thoughts?  feelings?  judgments?  suggestions?
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Re: my mother's strong suggestion.

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    ohwhynotohwhynot member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Aw, that's sweet, really.  How about getting her a corsage and seating her with your family? 
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    tidetraveltidetravel member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011

    Weddings aren't tit-for-tat.  Just because you were in hers doesn't mean that she needs to be "included" in yours.  She's obviously not that close to you since you wouldn't be considering it if your mom wasn't pushing.

    Remind your mom that being a guest IS an honor and then bean dip her (change the subject).

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    suz62984suz62984
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    edited December 2011
    Maybe she can do a reading if you really want to appease your mother. If you could care less than just tell your mother: "Mom, I have already chosen my bridal party and I really just don't feel close enough with her to have her stand up with me on the wedding day. Being a guest is also an honor and I know that she will respect my decision; I really would like you to respect my decision as well." If she says anything else about it just change the subject.
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    melissamc2melissamc2 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mothers-strong-suggestion?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:2eb0dc24-1f39-484a-a7d5-79525774c76cPost:c9882a2f-cfb4-4592-ad88-bbf75ceb277e">Re: my mother's strong suggestion.</a>:
    [QUOTE]Aw, that's sweet, really.  How about getting her a corsage and seating her with your family? 
    Posted by ohwhynot[/QUOTE]


    This is exactly what I was thinking as I read the post.  It would be a very nice way to honor her without it being over the top or something you aren't comfortable with.
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    deepcovejackiedeepcovejackie
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Maybe she could make a toast at the rehearsal dinner?  She did watch you grow up, it might be kind of nice.  I also like the corsage idea.
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    [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I like the other ideas as well. Could she help pass out your programs or something? And no, weddings aren't tit for tat, so just bc you were in hers, does not mean she has to be in yours.
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    MairePoppyMairePoppy mod
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    You're former babysitter is probably not expecting you to ask her to be in your wedding party. Seating her with your family would be a great honor. Also, babysitter and mom might like a picture of the 3 of you together.
                       
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    quotequeenquotequeen member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    She's being included by being invited.  That's really enough.
    Married 10/2/10
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    trix1223trix1223 member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    ditto quote.  She won't be expecting to be included in your wedding.  Just invite her.  That alone will probably be enough of a surprise to her, and is an honor.

    And just for the record:  don't ask ANYONE to be your personal attendant.  That is a really crummy thing to do to a "friend". 

    "Friend, I'm getting married.  And I thought that instead of enjoying the reception as a guest:  enjoying dinner, drinks and dancing, I'd make you my personal attendant!  You'll do errands for me, watch to be sure that Albert doesn't drink too much, deal with unexpected problems that crop up,  hold my dress up while I pee, and do anything else that I need?  Isn't that fabulous of me to do for you?"

    If you need a DOC, pay one.  Don't make a friend miss your party.
    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
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    dwebster02dwebster02
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mothers-strong-suggestion?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:2eb0dc24-1f39-484a-a7d5-79525774c76cPost:af24c064-adc6-417f-ba93-f419cfbf1a00">Re: my mother's strong suggestion.</a>:
    [QUOTE]ditto quote.  She won't be expecting to be included in your wedding.  Just invite her.  That alone will probably be enough of a surprise to her, and is an honor. And just for the record:  don't ask ANYONE to be your personal attendant.  That is a really crummy thing to do to a "friend".  "Friend, I'm getting married.  And I thought that instead of enjoying the reception as a guest:  enjoying dinner, drinks and dancing, I'd make you my personal attendant!  You'll do errands for me, watch to be sure that Albert doesn't drink too much, deal with unexpected problems that crop up,  hold my dress up while I pee, and do anything else that I need?  Isn't that fabulous of me to do for you?" If you need a DOC, pay one.  Don't make a friend miss your party.
    Posted by trix1223[/QUOTE]

    ...i've never met anyone who was offended by being asked to be a personal attendant.  why is it crummy?  i'm not that demanding of a bride anyway. 

    what the hell is a DOC?

    and most importantly - how would someone being a personal attendant cause them to "miss the party?"
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    quotequeenquotequeen member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    A DOC is a day of coordinator.  The point is that "personal attendant" is a job, not an honor.
    Married 10/2/10
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    misschase3misschase3
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    i like the corsage idea.
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    tommyandytommyandy member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    the family & corsage thing sounds good as does the picture.  If you don't have your 'something borrowed' ask her for something.
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    thechimichangathechimichanga
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I would either go for a reading, or the corsage and seat her with your family, or all of the above...

    Trix....I think the whole personal attendant thing depends on the bride. A good friend of mine who lives multiple states away and just finished med school was way too busy to be a bridesmaid(she declined because she felt she should be there for everything not just show up the day of)...I really wanted her to be a part of the day in some way and someone suggested having her as the personal attendant.

    I am in no way shape or form asking her to hold up my dress when I pee, run errands or solve any problems that may crop up. I thought it would be a nice way to include her in the wedding without being in the actual WP...she gets recognized in the program, she is also doing a reading...she really appreciates my thoughtfulness for figuring out a way to have her in the wedding as I was in hers.

    I can however understand if someones got a demanding bride on their hands it wouldnt be an honor, it would be a job....and it would be very crummy!

    A wedding to me is not a party, the party is a celebration of the marriage...everyone should have a good time I agree but any friend of mine, in the WP, or a regular guest would do any of the above things mentioned should they arise, but maybe I just have awesome friends?

    My MOH has informed me she has already "researched" the best way for a bride to use the bathroom...and she plans on helping...too funny.Tongue out
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    dwebster02dwebster02
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mothers-strong-suggestion?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:2eb0dc24-1f39-484a-a7d5-79525774c76cPost:477cfe14-7c2b-458e-a92e-8e6d66cc0694">Re: my mother's strong suggestion.</a>:
    [QUOTE]I would either go for a reading, or the corsage and seat her with your family, or all of the above... Trix....I think the whole personal attendant thing depends on the bride. A good friend of mine who lives multiple states away and just finished med school was way too busy to be a bridesmaid(she declined because she felt she should be there for everything not just show up the day of)...I really wanted her to be a part of the day in some way and someone suggested having her as the personal attendant. I am in no way shape or form asking her to hold up my dress when I pee, run errands or solve any problems that may crop up. I thought it would be a nice way to include her in the wedding without being in the actual WP...she gets recognized in the program, she is also doing a reading...she really appreciates my thoughtfulness for figuring out a way to have her in the wedding as I was in hers. I can however understand if someones got a demanding bride on their hands it wouldnt be an honor, it would be a job....and it would be very crummy! A wedding to me is not a party, the party is a celebration of the marriage...everyone should have a good time I agree but any friend of mine, in the WP, or a regular guest would do any of the above things mentioned should they arise, but maybe I just have awesome friends? My MOH has informed me she has already "researched" the best way for a bride to use the bathroom...and she plans on helping...too funny.
    Posted by tara1223[/QUOTE]

    thanks for this - i tend to think that asking someone to be a personal attendant is a great way to include them as well, and i'm not a really demanding bride by any means.  i can't imagine barking orders at someone all day and expecting them to wait on me hand and foot - that's ridic!
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    goetzr19goetzr19
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mothers-strong-suggestion?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:2eb0dc24-1f39-484a-a7d5-79525774c76cPost:320a8307-c286-43d0-acfb-8fceb0340613">Re: my mother's strong suggestion.</a>:
    [QUOTE]A DOC is a day of coordinator.  The point is that "personal attendant" is a job, not an honor.
    Posted by quotequeen[/QUOTE]

    I have to disagree.  As long as the bride doesn't make the PA run around like crazy doing things, I don't see it as being a job.  I plan on asking a friend who isn't comfortable standing up in front of a lot of people (stage fright) to be my attendant.  She will help me get ready and keep me sane up unti lthe ceremony.  As soon as the ceremony starts, she is a guest and free to enjoy the night as she pleases.
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    poolkat78poolkat78
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I like the corsage and seating with the family idea. I also think a special mention in your speak would go along way. Best of luck!!!

    I don't have a PA, but i do have my old roomie and another good friend helping me out BIG TIME. They will be organizing the outdoor ceremony area (setting up 15 or so chairs for immediate family) and handing out programs/bubbles. After the ceremony, they are organizing the set up of the hall (since the hall is booked the night before for a wedding). We won't have access to the hall until after the 2:00 ceremony, so they'll be taking the WP's significant others back to the hall to do a quick set up of the head table, centre peices and other little things. I've also asked them to be the hosts' - to greet people when the get to the hall, before we arrive. They have graciously accepted and have helped out so much already. they are also invited to all the WP funtions and will also be included in all the rehearsal stuff. I'm very greatful to have them and i'm happy that they feel included. I already have 7 bridesmaids (2 sisters, 1 SIL and 4 of my closest friends) so 9 would be really pushing it. I plan on giving them a gift as well to thank them for everything. I would do the absolute same for any of my friends
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    poolkat78poolkat78
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    sorry about that (i'm not spamming) i just realized that i wrote "speak" instead of speach
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    dawnmarie0627dawnmarie0627
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mothers-strong-suggestion?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:2eb0dc24-1f39-484a-a7d5-79525774c76cPost:477cfe14-7c2b-458e-a92e-8e6d66cc0694">Re: my mother's strong suggestion.</a>:
    [QUOTE]I would either go for a reading, or the corsage and seat her with your family, or all of the above... Trix....I think the whole personal attendant thing depends on the bride. A good friend of mine who lives multiple states away and just finished med school was way too busy to be a bridesmaid(she declined because she felt she should be there for everything not just show up the day of)...I really wanted her to be a part of the day in some way and someone suggested having her as the personal attendant. I am in no way shape or form asking her to hold up my dress when I pee, run errands or solve any problems that may crop up. I thought it would be a nice way to include her in the wedding without being in the actual WP...she gets recognized in the program, she is also doing a reading...she really appreciates my thoughtfulness for figuring out a way to have her in the wedding as I was in hers. I can however understand if someones got a demanding bride on their hands it wouldnt be an honor, it would be a job....and it would be very crummy! A wedding to me is not a party, the party is a celebration of the marriage...everyone should have a good time I agree but any friend of mine, in the WP, or a regular guest would do any of the above things mentioned should they arise, but maybe I just have awesome friends?<strong> My MOH has informed me she has already "researched" the best way for a bride to use the bathroom...and she plans on helping...too funny.</strong>
    Posted by tara1223[/QUOTE]

    Thats how you know you have chosen the right person to be your MOH!
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