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Friends-Only Engagement Party?

sbgruthy1308sbgruthy1308 member
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in Pre-wedding Parties
My Fiance and I got engaged in December. We didn't have an engagement party yet because our friends and family are all very busy until the summer. We really want to have an engagement party though. Well we have already gone to a few family get-togethers, so we have pretty much announced our engagment to them. We were thinking about having an engagement party this summer for our friends. Like a barbeque or bonfire. Is this too tacky and informal? Also, is it rude to not invite our famliy? They all live in different states, and we don't think a lot of them would even want to come, especially the older crowd. And lastly, we won't be financially able to invite all of our friends to the wedding, which is part of the reason we want to have them all at an engagement party. Would this be rude? Will they all think they're invited to the wedding if we have this party?

Please give me advice! Thank you!
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Re: Friends-Only Engagement Party?

  • BeachBride310BeachBride310
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    First off. I am the one who will say something different from everyone here... If you want to throw a party for yourself DO IT! If people think it is tacky and don't want to come, they don't have to!! Invite whoever you want there. If you don't want to invite family, then don't. We are throwing a party in July. Friends and some family. Mostly his because I can' t stand mine right now because all they have done is be rude to me lately. Many of these people will not be invited to the wedding or even be able to go because we are having a destination wedding. But that does not mean that they do not care about us and are not happy for us. So they still want to celebrate our ENGAGEMENT. This is not our wedding. It is our ENGAGEMENT. Do what makes you two happy. What works for you guys. Cook out, luau, fancy dinner. As long as you both have fun and are with those you care about, that is what matters!

    Good luck
    Cat
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  • danieliza1127danieliza1127 member
    5 Love Its First Comment Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    Well I think by this summer, it's kind of old news that you're engaged.  I think engagement parties should happen very shortly after the engagement.  If you want to have a party though, go for it.  I just know if it were me, I would find it odd to be invited to an engagement party for my friends who've been engaged for 6 months already.
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  • danieliza1127danieliza1127 member
    5 Love Its First Comment Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    Oh also, anyone invited to a pre-wedding party MUST be invited to the wedding.  So if these people aren't invited to the wedding, you shouldn't be inviting them to any engagement parties or bridal showers.
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  • duckie1905duckie1905 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited December 2011
    At this point everyone knows you are engaged so what is the point in having a party to announce something everyone already knows?

    Throw a party this summer for all your friends, just leave the engagement/wedding part out of it.  At this point it is too late to have one.

    And no, I don't think that couples should be throwing their own e-parties anymore than I think a bride should throw her own shower.  And, everyone invited to pre-wedding parties should also be invited to the wedding.  So, if you want to have an e-party for yourself all of your guests must also be invited to the wedding. 
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  • a_spinhirnea_spinhirne
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I must agree that it seems kind of late to be throwing an engagement party when you've already been engaged for a pretty substantial amount of time, but if you'd like to do so then go for it; there's no saying that you can't.  However, you cannot invite guests to pre-wedding parties who will not be invited to the actual wedding.
    Photobucket OMG...I'm MARRIED! :)
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  • BeachBride310BeachBride310
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Why does an engagement party have to "announce" an engagement. We are having ours to celebrate our engagement... I think each couple has their own uniquie way of doing stuff. Living in the north east my friends said they would much rather go to a party in the summer than in the winter or spring when it is rainy. Ya know if people are going to be petty over what they are invited to and stuff like that... are they really truly friends???

    Just do what makes you and your FI happy hun.

    Cat

    PS I told you I would be the outspoken one who bucked the ideas that everyone else had...
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  • BeachBride310BeachBride310
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Why not? Im proud to be who I am... even if I am a little different. Not every bride has to be the same.
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  • duckie1905duckie1905 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Yes, but every bride really should be polite and some of what you suggest really is rude whether or not your friends and family tell you to your face.

    So in this particular instance I wouldn't really be proud of how different and outspoken you are.  But hey, I'm sure since they are your friends they won't find it rude when you throw your own shower too, so go for it!
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  • BeachBride310BeachBride310
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Ya know I never said anything against what everyone else thought. I just put out my own opinion. And I got told I was rude. I never judged anyone. I don't EXPECT people to do everything for me, not everyone has that situation. It would be nice yes, but it isn't always possible for whatever reason, I don't feel the need to justify that to you. Does it mean I should go without for my wedding when someone else can't do something for me... but I can do it on my own? I don't think so. I deserve to celebrate just as much as every other bride here. I never said I was throwing my own shower. I have not chosen my bridesmaids yet. But I am sure when I do, if they can they will... but that is a bridge that will be crossed when it comes. But for right now.. I am engaged and I am over the moon about it. I am going to celebrate with all the friends and family who are truly happy for us and all we have been through... and not you or anyone else and their judgemental ways will bring us down. I only feel bad for you because you need to come here to put someone else down rather than realizing that different people have different ideas... and being happy for people who are engaged like you.... because we ALL deserve to be in love and be happy.

    Cat
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  • duckie1905duckie1905 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited December 2011

    Well you certainly put me in my place didn't you!

    I'm not saying that you have no right to be happy and celebrate.  And I'm glad that us disagreeing with you isn't going to get you down.  I am just pointing out that the etiquette advice you gave the OP is wrong because it is rude to plan parties in your honor regardless of how forward-thinking a bride you see yourself to be.  Planning parties in your honor does not make you out of the ordinary and original.  To most, it just makes you rude.

    Now, you want to have a party?  Great!  Just leave your wedding out of it.

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  • sjnsjnsjnsjnsjnsjn
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I think it's totally fine.  We had a friends-only e-party.  Sounds like fun!
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  • BeachBride310BeachBride310
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Ya know... to each his own. What is so wrong about hosting your own engagement party??? Really? Im not hurting kittens here! Im asking people to come celebrate a happy event in our life. Im asking them to share this wonderful time and hang out with us. Im giving them food and drink. Im not asking them for gifts or anything else... all I am asking for them for is a few hours of their time. I don't honestly see what is so wrong about that.....


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  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot member
    First Comment First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    Oh come on Stage.  This girl is bragging about how she likes to advise people to ignore etiquette.  Do you really think she's concerned with the bad manners of tooting her own horn?  

    She's probably proud of bragging, too.  It makes her different.  
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  • BeachBride310BeachBride310
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    You know what... You girls do not deserve a response beyond this... and please don't bother responding to anything else I post. I have lost all respect for anything you have to say. People here should be able to freely express opinions without etiquette police. Not a single one of you know me... or my circumstances or have any right to go as far as you have gone in saying what you have... so good luck to you and your weddings. I hope they are everything that you dream of. To sbgruthy1308 I am really sorry that it turned into this. You were simply trying to as a question and I was only trying to give a different opinion than most. I apologise that it degraded to this. Good luck on your special day and whatever you chose to do I hope you have fun and a million laughs.

    Cat
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  • duckie1905duckie1905 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I am pretty sure that everyone is going to respond to whatever they want.  These are public forums and people can respond as they want.

    With that being said, we would've been giving bad advice if we had failed to mention the etiquette no-no surrounding the OP's original question.  I'm sorry that you don't approve of people giving proper etiquette advice.  I suggest not hanging around E too much.
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  • JChace029JChace029
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I'm not sure what's worse honestly. That someone is offended that the OP would host their own Engagement party or living on a wedding website promoting an "etiquette" that really means nothing in the grand scheme of things. If you want to preach, keep it in a church kids. The fact that you're here trying to tell someone else how they should arrange their perfect life is really sad. It also makes you come off one as catty, and two as downright pathetic. Wedding "Etiquitte" means nothing if everyone is happy.

    If the OP or myself and my fiancee want to throw a party to celebrate an occasion, then we will do it! Because nobody else would do it to our standards. It's all about what makes you happy and what you want to surround yourself with. Not everyone has the Hollywood lifestyle where parties are paid for by friends and family and champagne pours from the sky. Some people unfortunately have to make other arrangements.

    So why not step away from the computer, leave your 20000+ posts behind, and come back into the real world. We'd love to have you join us here. Unless living in a world fabricated by false expectations, unattainable standards and other fake BS is what you'd prefer. In that case stay here, and away from our children. I wouldn't want anyone else to be infected with your ignorance.
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  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot member
    First Comment First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    The fact of the matter is that friends and family will be offended when you, or OP, or whomever decides to ignore etiquette, and it will change their opinion of you.  

    Until the OP says that she doesn't care about her guests and is fine with offending them, we must assume that she just doesn't know that it is wrong to host your own e-party, and any good advice would point this out.

    If you don't care about your guests, that's your business.  But until OP says different, we can only assume that she doesn't want to be rude, and that she just doesn't know.  Thus, any good advice would point out the faux pas.  

    I honestly can't believe that rude people are actually trying to justify their rude behavior, and getting upset when people point it out.  How disgusting!  
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  • JChace029JChace029
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    See here's the part that gets me. You're making statements knowing nothing about the persons individual situation or have any knowledge of their friends and family.

    If your friends would be offended because you're throwing your own Engagement party, well, let's just say that's probably why their your friends and not mine. If they were so "polite" and shared your "etiquette" they'd be throwing it for you.

    Since we don't all live in your dream world, the people we surround ourselves with are considered friends because they share our same ideals and virtues. And if someone would be offended by a party someone is throwing for themselves, well they probably wouldn't be a friend in the first place.

    The point is, what's considered "polite" is in the eye of the beholder. Perhaps you should open those eyes.
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  • duckie1905duckie1905 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited December 2011
    No, the point is that etiquette is etiquette.  The rules don't change just because you or your friends happen to not care.  If no one you know cares about etiquette then great for you!  Throw your own e-party, your own shower, put your registry info on your invites, and break every wedding etiquette rule in the book.  But, just because no one you know cares (or says something to your face) doesn't mean that etiquette doesn't exist.

    If your friends don't care then fine.  But, the fact remains is that the etiquette advice was solid regardless of who the OP's friends are and what they tolerate.

    And, on the other side, you don't know the OP's friends and family.  Maybe they do care about proper etiquette and would be offended.
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  • Goldlie11Goldlie11
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I have a recent copy of this book:

    And it states that it is acceptable for the couple to throw their own engagement party.  Etiquette does change.  I see no problem with a couple throwing their own party because an engagement party is not a gift giving event.  In the OPs case, I wouldn't do it only because so much time has already passed.  
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  • duckie1905duckie1905 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited December 2011

    Forgetting, of course, that many guests (including myself) feel obligated to bring gifts even if it is just a bottle of wine.  I have never attended an e-party in which a few gifts didn't make their way to the bride and groom.  This makes it a gift-giving event.  Which makes it faux pas to host your own.

    With that, I am stepping out.

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  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot member
    First Comment First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_friends-only-engagement-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:32Discussion:00eaa722-6c33-4645-b881-8823a19a73a6Post:36441da7-7d6d-49e4-b1f7-0b52db986714">Re: Friends-Only Engagement Party?</a>:
    [QUOTE]See here's the part that gets me. You're making statements knowing nothing about the persons individual situation or have any knowledge of their friends and family. If your friends would be offended because you're throwing your own Engagement party, well, let's just say that's probably why their your friends and not mine. If they were so "polite" and shared your "etiquette" they'd be throwing it for you. Since we don't all live in your dream world, the people we surround ourselves with are considered friends because they share our same ideals and virtues. And if someone would be offended by a party someone is throwing for themselves, well they probably wouldn't be a friend in the first place. The point is, what's considered "polite" is in the eye of the beholder. Perhaps you should open those eyes.
    Posted by JChace029[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>I don't need to know anyone to know that most people prefer to be polite in their social interactions.  </div><div>
    </div><div>Your friends and family may be fine with being rude to each other.  But that isn't the norm.  Most people prefer to be polite and do care. </div><div>
    </div>
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  • sbgruthy1308sbgruthy1308 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    This may or may not make a difference, but I'm still in college, and I will be completely SHOCKED if any of my 20-24 year old friends know a thing about "etiquette." I really care about my guests and my friends and my family, but keep in mind that we're in our last year of college, and many of our friends are in the military and are only home for a few weeks a year (which is why we want to celebrate in the summer) and although they know about our engagement, we haven;t seen them since last summer.

    And you know what's sad, I'm only 22, and I think I'm more mature than half of you. Shame on you ladies for bashing each other the way you do! I appreciate every response and I am excited to go through all the advise, but it is horrible the way you put each other down. This is supposed to be fun, and joyous, and after reading theses posts, I don't think half of you preaching about etiquette and politeness can actually apply it to your own life after what you have said to the other people on this thread.

    Thank you all for your responses anyway. Some of these posts were great!
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