Moms and Maids

FMIL states she'd rather attend the rehearsal vs ceremony???

Ok Ladies, Input is welcomed. 

I'll try and give a brief overview. I got engaged May 22, 2009. Next day FI's dad dies in plane crash. Nov/Dec. MIL offers to do Bridal Shower. I wasn't going to have one. The guest list is 40 plus w/o my family and she is inviting people who will not be invited to wedding. She wont flex on this nor consider any of our suggestions. We decline after much conversing. This is when we noticed a change in her attitude towards us.

She has asked my FI on 3 occasions of how much my parents are contributing to wedding. We set a budget of our own and are paying for our wedding. I would have been fine going to the Court House he wanted an outside wedding. I compromised. I'm not against it but I thought the money could be used on a downpaymt for a house. She has told me on the phone that she didn't think it was fair that her son was paying for the Wedding. I called her out on her assumption and updated her of the reality and also let her know that it isn't any of her business. Same goes with how much my parents are contributing.

Let's not forget how she so kindly stated that if I was not ready to move out of my parents house and start a life of my own that maybe I wasn't ready to get married.

March-MIL's Mother tells my FI that his mom is sucicial and if he doesn't call her and tell her that he loves her that if she kills herself it will be all his fault and on his shoulders only. (Repeatedly she said this) I was very upset about this! I called his mom the next day to see how she was doing. I got a very snotty/defensive person on the phone. Not sure why. I was told to stop putting on an act. I asked if there was anything I could do to help. I was told to stop being a B****h. I asked if I had done anthing specifically in regards to that. She said she would have to think about it and get back to me. (I still havn't heard back from her) I asked her if she approved of her son's pick? She said "I don't see what he sees in you"

We had a sit down talk with MIL to discuss issues: Boundaries, Assumptions, Mothering, RESPECT! Ist talk not very productive 2nd was better. 

So her I have a MIL now who has stated 3 times that she would rather attend the rehearsal vs the ceremony.

Re: FMIL states she'd rather attend the rehearsal vs ceremony???

  • bethsmilesbethsmiles member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-states-shed-rather-attend-rehearsal-vs-ceremony?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:57d082cf-f55d-4c42-b00c-406aaa4b3ae9Post:69c2913c-3178-47cf-917b-d9ef5842f856">FMIL states she'd rather attend the rehearsal vs ceremony???</a>:
    [QUOTE]Ok Ladies, Input is welcomed.  I'll try and give a brief overview. I got engaged May 22, 2009. Next day FI's dad dies in plane crash. Nov/Dec. MIL offers to do Bridal Shower. I wasn't going to have one. The guest list is 40 plus w/o my family and she is inviting people who will not be invited to wedding. She wont flex on this nor consider any of our suggestions. We decline after much conversing. This is when we noticed a change in her attitude towards us.<strong>So you think she is mad because you wouldn't let her throw a bridal shower for you?</strong> She has asked my FI on 3 occasions of how much my parents are contributing to wedding. We set a budget of our own and are paying for our wedding. I would have been fine going to the Court House he wanted an outside wedding. I compromised. I'm not against it but I thought the money could be used on a downpaymt for a house. She has told me on the phone that she didn't think it was fair that her son was paying for the Wedding. I called her out on her assumption and updated her of the reality and also let her know that it isn't any of her business. Same goes with how much my parents are contributing. Let's not forget how she so kindly stated that if I was not ready to move out of my parents house and start a life of my own that maybe I wasn't ready to get married.<strong>Well how old are you?</strong> March-MIL's Mother tells my FI that his mom is sucicial and if he doesn't call her and tell her that he loves her that if she kills herself it will be all his fault and on his shoulders only. (Repeatedly she said this) I was very upset about this! I called his mom the next day to see how she was doing. I got a very snotty/defensive person on the phone. Not sure why. I was told to stop putting on an act. I asked if there was anything I could do to help. I was told to stop being a B****h. I asked if I had done anthing specifically in regards to that. She said she would have to think about it and get back to me. (I still havn't heard back from her) I asked her if she approved of her son's pick? She said "I don't see what he sees in you"  <strong>Why the heck would you keep asking her questions? It probably just pissed her off more.</strong>We had a sit down talk with MIL to discuss issues: Boundaries, Assumptions, Mothering, RESPECT! Ist talk not very productive 2nd was better. So her I have a MIL now who has stated 3 times that she would rather attend the rehearsal vs the ceremony.
    Posted by AustinMelissa[/QUOTE]

    My guess is that she is upset over her husband's sudden death and that the approaching wedding is hard for her. Be sensitive to that. Why does she want to go to the rehearsal vs the ceremony? this post is really confusing. What is your question?


  • AustinMelissaAustinMelissa member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Sorry. My question: Since she is the only parent left is it her duty/responsbility to be there for her son? If she doesn't attend would it be disrepectful to her late husband?
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-states-shed-rather-attend-rehearsal-vs-ceremony?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:57d082cf-f55d-4c42-b00c-406aaa4b3ae9Post:03a4008c-9e04-47d8-901f-91edd25cb9a6">Re: FMIL states she'd rather attend the rehearsal vs ceremony???</a>:
    [QUOTE]Sorry. My question: Since she is the only parent left is it her duty/responsbility to be there for her son? If she doesn't attend would it be disrepectful to her late husband?
    Posted by AustinMelissa[/QUOTE]

    It would not be disrespectful to her late husband, unless it was his dying wish for her to be at their sons wedding or something.
    She is grieving, there is a lot going on, it doesnt sound like there is much you can do, so just continue to be pleasant and nice to her and be understanding of whatever she feels she needs to do, she sounds unstable right now, but its understandable. She may be deflecting her emotions on other things. You cant control her behavior, but you can continue to be loving and supportive.
  • AustinMelissaAustinMelissa member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Her Husband died a year ago. In which she has never called and asked my Fiance how he is doing without his Dad. She lives 12 hrs away form us. I helped write a bio. of his life for a memorial wall. I stood in line with my fiance for something like 3 hrs at his Dad's funeral seeing people come to pay there respect. His Dad was an amazing person. Always postive and outgoing. Great sense of humor and treated me like family from day one. 

     

  • AustinMelissaAustinMelissa member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011

    That is what we are doing now. We don't want to control her. We can only let her know how we feel about her actions and it is up to her if she wants to be apart of our specail day. Even if she refers our wedding as Austin's Wedding. I have told her that we want her to be at the rehearsal and ceremony she deserves to be apart of our day and share in the happiness. We know that there might be other issues going on that she doesn't want to share with us but we can't do much if we don't know about it.

    We offered her to pick out flowers for rememberance of Steve her husband and she said he thought fresh cut flowers was a waste of money. So now answer on that. I guess if we want them we will need to go and pick something out. We thought she might like to pick them out. A way for her to be apart of the day as well.

  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-states-shed-rather-attend-rehearsal-vs-ceremony?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:57d082cf-f55d-4c42-b00c-406aaa4b3ae9Post:d0ed8240-0d9f-4167-9d24-72cefd5f81f9">Re: FMIL states she'd rather attend the rehearsal vs ceremony???</a>:
    [QUOTE]Her Husband died a year ago. In which she has never called and asked my Fiance how he is doing without his Dad. She lives 12 hrs away form us. I helped write a bio. of his life for a memorial wall. I stood in line with my fiance for something like 3 hrs at his Dad's funeral seeing people come to pay there respect. His Dad was an amazing person. Always postive and outgoing. Great sense of humor and treated me like family from day one.   
    Posted by AustinMelissa[/QUOTE]

    People handle grief differently, if she is still grieving, then duty is irrelevent, also how long it has been wont matter to her, it sounds like you are handling it as well as you can, I hope she makes it, because if she doesnt she may regret it later. But in the midst of grief perspective is hard to maintain.
  • lharri12lharri12 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Ugh, what an awful situation all around.  What does your FI say about all of this?  Did she like you before all of this happened?  Try to see it from her perspective: her husband died unexpectedly the day after her baby boy got engaged, and you're the one taking him away from her.  Maybe she is depressed and taking it out on you.  I guess the best thing you can do is just try to be nice, but give her plenty of space.
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  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-states-shed-rather-attend-rehearsal-vs-ceremony?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:57d082cf-f55d-4c42-b00c-406aaa4b3ae9Post:dba01294-e547-436c-af0c-448bd43ba277">Re: FMIL states she'd rather attend the rehearsal vs ceremony???</a>:
    [QUOTE]Ugh, what an awful situation all around.  What does your FI say about all of this?  Did she like you before all of this happened?  Try to see it from her perspective: her husband died unexpectedly the day after her baby boy got engaged, and you're the one taking him away from her.  Maybe she is depressed and taking it out on you.  I guess the best thing you can do is just try to be nice, but give her plenty of space.
    Posted by lharri12[/QUOTE]

    I whole heartedly agree
  • AustinMelissaAustinMelissa member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    my fiance thinks his mom is taking her anger out on me. He wishes she would just talk to him. Things were fine b/w us before his Dad died. She has not once asked her son how he is doing since his Dad died. A bit odd to me. Everything is focused on her and how he is not doing what everone expects him to be doing. No one communicates with him from his mother's side of the family.

    I just found out that none of his mom's side of the family is coming b/c we havn't given his grandparents an invite yet. Basically he feels like his whole family is shunning him. He has stated that if that is how they want to be and just take whatever his mom says without asking him his side of the story then he doesn't have much interest in them.

    He has addressed the concern of hers of losing him several times. He feels like she doesn't listen to what he is saying. He would like for her to see it as she is gaining a daughter in law. But I seem to be the scape goat for all the family problems. I was told by his grandpa that he would blame me more than Austin if his mom were to kill herself. Not to mention that his grandpa defended his daughter in her calling me a B*****. She has called me this twice now.

    I was told by her that if I am nice to her that she will be nice to me. But if I push her buttons or test her she will call me that again. So basically I'm the only one that needs to be the bigger person in which I have been from the start. I have never called her such names and will not lower myself to be so degrading to another women. It's insulting and I have more integrity. Not to mention that I feel like I'm the more mature ind. here. 

    She is the one who is going to lose if she keeps up this sour attitude. No one wants to be around a negative person. Misery likes company but it wont be us.
  • AutumnFairAutumnFair member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Very sad situation. But first and for most is that his mom needs grief counseling. If her personality has changed that much and now is "suicidal" then its time for her to seek help. FI needs to have a heart to heart, explaining that her actions are going to lose her a son, and that if she loves him she will get help. 

    I believe you need to distance yourself from her awhile, if she calls, direct the phone to your FI, if in person, try not to converse with her. Your FI is right she's taking a lot of anger out on you and is basically trapping you when she starts a conversation about certain things. If she does trap you, make sure FI can diffuse the situation by taking control of the conversation and ending it, or calling you over to "help" with something. 

    FI needs to break down to his family that name calling, rudeness, disrespect will not be tolerated, and he will cut them all off if necessary. I think you pretty much have done the best in what is surely a crappy situation. Best of luck to you and your FI.
  • edited December 2011
    My condolences to you and fi on the loss of FFIL.

    I wonder if your FMIL was having problems before her husbands death. He may have been the one that kept her on an even keel. She sounds very manipulative, using her mom to get to her son with the suicide attempts. Could her son let her doctor know about that? Her doctor might be able to persuade her to get some psychiatric help. Or fi could call a suicide help line for advice on handling his moms threats. Do you think there could be a substance abuse problem that would account for her irrational behaviour?

    You should stop trying to find out what you did to anger her, because it's sounds like her frustrations are being misdirected at you.You have let her know that you care and that is probably the best you can do for her right now.

    I don't understand why she would want to go to RD and not the wedding. But I would leave that up to her and not try to force the issue.

    Why didn't you send the grandparents an invitation when you sent everyone else's? Sorry to say, I can understand why the rest of the family would take offense at that.  He should call them ASAP and let them know that he wants them to be there.

    In the end, I hope you have a lovely wedding with the people who show up to celebrate with you. Don't let the others ruin your day.


                       
  • edited December 2011
    Im so sorry to hear about all this. If there is anyone, your FI (and maybe his grandmother?) should talk to his mom about getting some counseling. At the very least, she is dealing with grief issues. Though, if she didnt seem like this at all before the fathers death, then she may have some major mental health issues (a big change in ones personality is worth noting and getting checked out by a psychologist). If she wouldnt go by herself, maybe your FI (and any other brothers/sisters if he ahs them) could suggest giong to family counseling to deal with grief. That way they could work on grief and their relationship and she wouldnt feel attacked...a good counselor would be able to realize and figure out what else is going on beyond just grief.

    It does not sound like there is much you do :( I would recommend continuing to respond lovingly and try not to get wrapped up in the things she says. You could try reasoning with her, but it seems impossible. As for the wedding, while it would be terrible to not have her there, I say you let her know that you are getting married on such and such date and that you would love for her to make it. If she doesnt, then go on with the day.
  • edited December 2011
    Im sorry to hear about all the trouble you are having! Not to sound inconsiderate at all, but enough is enough. She lost her husband, but by being incredibly rude to you, it will still not going to bring him back. It sounds like you have been a lot more graceful than I would have been! You really have put up with a lot!

    My FI and I had a very similar situation, except it was MY family that was treating him and his family HORRIBLE!!! After two years of this (which was far too long) I finally just had to cut all ties. I talked to them countless times, but everytime they would get mad at me... it was instantly my FI fault! He was called names, accused of numerous things... and the list goes on. I talked and talked and TALKED to them, nothing changed. It really got out of control. (Side note... there's a lot of bad history between me and my mom as it is) Finally, I just had to cut off ties when they got COMPLETELY out of control.

    Im not saying this is your solution, but was for me. It has been so much better for mine and my FI relationship! I am so much closer with his family! Even though we do still have trouble with mine (eggs being thrown at our cars, constantly doing things in the middle of the night) the list goes on. We really couldn't be any happier! By the things that they are still continuing to do... it really is reassurance that they do not belong at our big day.

  • KnibletKniblet member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    [QUOTE] March-MIL's Mother tells my FI that his mom is sucicial and if he doesn't call her and tell her that he loves her that if she kills herself it will be all his fault and on his shoulders only. (Repeatedly she said this)
    Posted by AustinMelissa[/QUOTE]

    Grief or not, there is NO excuse for this.  NONE.  No matter what, serious about it or not, there is NEVER a reason to even utter words like this to a loved one. 
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  • tommyandytommyandy member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Get her medical help asap.  
    Grief & drastic changes can make people say & do things that they later regret.  Keep the lines of communication open, but do it thru emails.  This will give you time to vent about her meanness before you respond with kind & loving words.  The nicer you are to her thru email & on the phone the better your relationship will be when she's better.
    As for her not showing up for the wedding itself, have her son (FI) talk to her & maybe ask her to walk him down the aisle.  If she flat out refuses, get someone to sit with her all day long.  Maybe go see a movie, work in the yard, go to dinner, etc.  She shouldn't be left alone if at all possible.

    Ask to borrow the cake topper they had on their wedding cake for yours or to use the cake knife & server. GL
  • edited December 2011
    oh yes...I forgot-like Kniblet said, the grandmother SHOULD NOT be trying to make the FI feel guilty for how his mother is feeling. He is not responsible for how she is feeling.
  • AustinMelissaAustinMelissa member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    thanks for all the suggestions! It helps a lot.
  • edited December 2011
    Your poor, poor girl.  This won't ever stop, I imagine.  She has some kind of unconscious connection between your engagement and her husband's death.  You're in for a long haul with this woman.  Good luck.
    BabyFruit Ticker If ever there is a tomorrow when we're not together there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem and smarter than you think. Even if we're apart i'll always be with you. - A.A. Milne
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