Question: living together before marriage or not?

kaesha · October 2010

When I was younger, I always swore I wouldn't live with a BF before marriage... not because I was against that thing, but because I wanted a really clear distinction between the boundaries of dating someone and marrying them.

But, when Phil and I left Japan, we had to live together in order to get him a visa and then permanent residency, yadda, yadda. So we did, and that was that. I was worried that the transition into married life would be no different than before. I posed this question (back in the day) over on the Etiquette board, and most of the girls there were happily in the exact same place mentally and emotionally before and after marriage. That made me even more worried!

How many of you live with your fiancé? Will you be making the switch after? How do you think your married life will differ from your unmarried life?

Jburggraf · October 2010

I lived with my husband before we got married. He proposed to me 1 week before our escrow closed on our house. We were long distance and I lived with my parents. We were in a position financially to buy a house so we did not want to waste money on renting if that was the case. If we weren't long distance, I probably wouldn't have moved in before marriage.

You are right though. After we got married, people ask me how it feels. It feels exactly the same as before! I'm not sure if that is such a bad thing though. What if we got married, moved in together for the first time and for some crazy reason couldn't put up with each others ways? I know couples who moved in together a broke up because they couldn't stand living with each other. I think there are pros and cons to doing it both ways.

aliblu · October 2010

Me and my FI are moving in together in a month, which will be about 7 months before we get married. I really wanted to move in with him before, so we can be adjusted to living together, learn each others quirks, and so we are not stressed by moving when we get back from Hawaii. I dont think much will change when we get married, but we will see.

mocha beans · October 2010

We lived together for 7+ years before we actually got married. We basically functioned as a married couple for much of that time too, having a mortgage, joint bank account, car insurance together (would have done health insurance if MN was a common law state too). He told the credit card companies that I was his wife years before we actually got married so he could have me talk to them, he hates talking to them or banks. So, after the wedding, nothing at all has changed, and I have mostly good feelings about that.

I really like that there wasn't a weird transition period after the wedding. I've seen a few people wait to move in together until they're married, and I heard nothing but griping about it. The stress about moving stuff, stress about getting used to each other's routines, getting used to not having as much personal space. Mostly, I'm glad that we lived together first, because our first year of marriage won't be us arguing as we learn to live with each other. We've done that already.

The small bummer part, though, is that it's seemed anti-climactic. Nothing really felt different. I'm not sure exactly what I would think would feel different, I guess I'll never know, and that's probably a good thing.

I don't think I would do it any different though.

pinkmochiball · October 2010

we don't live together...we actually live on separate islands! after the wedding i'll probably move to Kauai to be closer with him. our whole relationship has been long distance but we see each other almost every other weekend. I decided that I would move because he has a lot to do on Kauai. i think life will be very much different after marriage...i don't know many people on kauai so im a little afraid of that. Kauai is also more "country" than oahu so i think that'll be the biggest change for me. i'm also very independent so having to think of one other person will be a change too

hopefully all goes well.. but i'm sure we're going to make it go well

jackcody · October 2010

I moved to Australia 3 years ago to be with my then boyfriend. When we first decided I'd be moving I looked at places to rent/buy on my own, but FI said, "If you're moving to Oz, you'll live with me so that we can be together all of the time." I thought that was pretty sweet. FI already had a huge house on acreage to himself, so it seemed rational. I never thought about the lack of change if we were to get married.

I'm really glad we did, because 3 years later we still sometimes have tiffs about who takes the garbage out

I don't think much will change between us when we get married. We'll probably share expenses more "down the middle" than before.

I think the big thing that will change for us is that the possibility of starting a family will be that much more real. To "practice," kinda, my little sister, 14, will be coming to live with us for 14 weeks to experience an Aussie school. It will be like our transition to family life, which I'm excited about. She is flying back with us from Hawaii on the same flight (almost a month after we say I do).

carrieoz_76 · October 2010

We lived together for 2 years before we got married. It was living together that made FI realize that he wanted to be married at all - he never used to think he wanted to get married.

I don't feel like we're much different on a daily basis after the wedding than we were before. But we're both pretty independent, so we kept our finances and insurance separate, and that's changing. We're also more involved in each other's intimate and long-range decisions than we used to be. I learn a lot more now about his finances, and vice versa. And I don't feel a big distinction between what's mine and what's his anymore. We open each other's mail. I'll play around on his smartphone (I only have a regular cell phone still) when I'm bored, and I don't feel like I have to keep his email or messages private - not that I'm searching for something, but if I see a message from a friend that I want to read or respond to, I will.

That said, we're not telling each other how we voted.

AKWinterBride · October 2010

I have lived with my fiance for over 3 years, and we still have 8 months before we get married. I don't think that much will change after we get married as we are going to wait another year before we start trying to start a family, but I'm still super excited to get married and just have it official. I feel silly calling him my fiance as I feel like he's already my husband, so we are just looking at our wedding as a celebration of our love rather than as some binding pact that's going to change our world. I think we would be together forever regardless of getting married or not, but I'll admit - I'm happy he did pop the question, I was itching for it!!!

kaesha · October 2010

FWIW, I think our relationship IS different now, and I'm glad of that... but I also think it's a conscious effort on our parts to make our relationship as a married couple more than what it was as BF/GF.

daveandjess2010 · October 2010

We moved in together about two months before we got engaged, so we were living together for 15 months before we got married. It doesnt feel that different now that we're married, but I dont think that's a bad thing, because things were good before. Things are a little more formal, joint bank accts, etc, and it will feel a little more "real" once I change my name after we take our honeymoon. But overall Im really glad we lived together first - I can be such a basketcase when Im stressed out, and if we had coupled wedding planning with moving I think I would have literally gone crazy. Plus, it allowed us to do more wedding planning together, because he was trapped and I could force him to opine on wedding issues

leejj3 · October 2010

I officially moved in with FI about a month before we got engaged. I was always kinda living with him anyway even when I had my own place. I just used my own place as a storage space and sometimes it would be a month before I 'd go home and get a new set of books and crafts to play with. In college, my roommates used to claim I was the best roommate ever because I basically left them with a 2 bedroom to themselves!

I too am kind of thinking gettng married will be anti-climactic. Like brittania, we'll probably start thinking about a family soon. Also, it won't be quite so weird to defend our couple-ey ways to single friends who think we're mushy because in about a month we'll be married!!

I think the name change is going to take getting used to more than the being married part!

dianab0237 · October 2010

My fiance and I have been living together for the past 2 years and I wouldn't change it for the world. My fiance, then-bf needed a place since his landlord was selling the house and I told him that I don't usually like to live with bf's because of a bad experience I had years prior, but I said that I would make an exception for him because I knew he was in a tough spot. That night, he propsed! We went through the rough phase of finding out each other's quirks and habits and I had a huge problem with sharing my space, but we got over that hurdle and now have a house together. I know that it will probably feel the same after we get married, and I'm ok with that. I'm glad we smoothed out the rough spots now instead of figuring everything out the first year of marriage. I think that after we get married, the "climatic" part will be us starting to think about family and possibly purchasing a bigger house.

mocha beans · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_hawaii_question-living-together-before-marriage-not?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:73Discussion:b2600840-33c4-4b72-8d81-6ba8edd4160dPost:994a6294-5857-4f21-b579-483ecc9b5a70">Re: Question: living together before marriage or not?</a>:
[QUOTE]My fiance and I have been living together for the past 2 years and I wouldn't change it for the world. My fiance, then-bf needed a place since his landlord was selling the house and I told him that I don't usually like to live with bf's because of a bad experience I had years prior, but I said that I would make an exception for him because I knew he was in a tough spot. That night, he propsed! We went through the rough phase of finding out each other's quirks and habits and I had a huge problem with sharing my space, but we got over that hurdle and now have a house together. I know that it will probably feel the same after we get married, and I'm ok with that. <strong>I'm glad we smoothed out the rough spots now instead of figuring everything out the first year of marriage</strong>. I think that after we get married, the "climatic" part will be us starting to think about family and possibly purchasing a bigger house.
Posted by dianab0237[/QUOTE]

My thoughts exactly. The first few years of living together was definitely rough, I'm glad that our first year of marriage won't be like our first year of living together.

carrieoz_76 · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_hawaii_question-living-together-before-marriage-not?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:73Discussion:b2600840-33c4-4b72-8d81-6ba8edd4160dPost:39e72392-c9ca-41eb-b61f-588bb5a64ead">Re: Question: living together before marriage or not?</a>:
[QUOTE]The first few years of living together was definitely rough, I'm glad that our first year of marriage won't be like our first year of living together.
Posted by mocha beans[/QUOTE]
Agreed. H had never lived with a girl before (he was raised as one of two brothers, then only had guy roommates), so it took a lot of getting used to for both of us, and I think the pressure of doing that just after getting married would have been really hard for us.

embracejoy · October 2010

I wouldn't marry someone I hadn't lived with before. I also wouldn't buy a car I hadn't test driven.

Things haven't really changed after marriage, other than we're both wearing rings, and I have a new last name. There is also a lovely warm feeling knowing that we're united for life

DH and I have been together just shy of 2 years, and have lived together for a year and a half, and have been married for 11 days!

caiandcullen · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_hawaii_question-living-together-before-marriage-not?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:73Discussion:b2600840-33c4-4b72-8d81-6ba8edd4160dPost:746e62b1-96df-47eb-ab93-a71dbe88facb">Re: Question: living together before marriage or not?</a>:
[QUOTE]I wouldn't marry someone I hadn't lived with before. <strong> I also wouldn't buy a car I hadn't test driven. ;)</strong>
Posted by embracejoy[/QUOTE]

hahaha. this. funny, but true.
DH and i unofficially lived together for about a year or so, then he proposed the day before we officially moved in together. then we were engaged for about a year and a half before we got married, so it was somewhat "status quo" when we got married and it didn't feel extremely different. but, we used to have a roommate, and he's now in the process of moving out, so we'll have a large 2 bdrm all to ourselves (in NYC this is a HUGE deal because lack of space!)

we're also thinking of a family down the road, so we figured keeping the extra bedroom open would be great for a nursery and for family and friends to visit the city :)
also, like jess said, i feel like it may (who knows) feel different and official once i
change my name, etc after our honeymoon in a few weeks. but overall, moving in together was fantastic (we didn't have a tough transitioning period at all) so i'm glad i got to live with him before marriage because i just love being around him <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-cool.gif" border="0" alt="Cool" title="Cool" />

pepelau · November 2010

I unofficially lived together with my now husband for about 6 months before we got engaged and a little over a year before getting married. By "unofficially" I mean I stayed at his apartment, had most of my stuff there (dog and all!) and would only go to my own apartment once a month or so to check mail and water my plant. It would have been smarter financially to consolidate to one apartment a long time ago but we each had a lease, neither of our apartments could fit both of our big stuff like furniture and we were both too lazy to do much besides talk about how it would save us a lot of money if we just moved into one apartment. Part of the reason why I kept my own apartment was due to a bad experience from a previous relationship where after living with an ex-boyfriend for over a year, he told me he was living with me just to save money and did not see the relationship progressing further than what it was (total a$$hole right?!) Anyways, honestly if I didn't marry my now husband I probably would have a different answer about living with him. But since everything worked out for us in the end, I wouldn't have had it any other way. Really I don't have a great answer to the "should you live together before getting married" question, it really depends on the guy, timing, the relationship and what living together means to each of you, etc...Mentally and emotionally I don't feel much different before vs. after getting married, to me getting engaged felt more different than getting married.

kimmykupcakes · November 2010

I always thought I wouldn't live with anyone before I got married, but I also thought I wouldn't get married. Drew was the first boyfriend I have ever lived with. He was practically living at my house, but still had his own condo. Then the house I was renting went up for sale and then sold. I was so stressed out trying to find a new place for my daughter, Amanda and I to live. I didn't know what I was going to do. Drew's mom actually suggested that we move into his condo. He asked me and I jumped on it.

Since his condo was much smaller than my house and already furnished, I loaded all of my stuff up into a POD and put it all in storage for a year. He cleared out the extra room in the condo he was using as an office and Amanda used it for her bedroom. Doing all of this gave us the opportunity to be able to save to buy a house.

It was a HUGE change for both of us. Neither of us had lived with a significant other before. I'm really glad we did it though. We got to work out all of the hard stuff and have the first living together arguments outside of our marriage. There were times I thought living together was a bad idea and thought about leaving. I'm glad that I was able to see that as adjustments to living together instead of that there was something wrong with our marriage.

We bought a house together earlier this year and couldn't be happier. We love doing all of the work on it and building a home together. I'm also very happy to have all of my stuff out of storage.

I don't care if I don't feel like our life changes after marriage. Right now, for me, everything is pretty much perfect. Every day our relationship gets better and that is more than enough for me.

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