B&M Tuesday

DFWIndian · January 2011

I have too much on my mind so I'll calm down first

trueleo818 · January 2011

I dont have anything to B&M about but.. I did get sent flowers today.

HisBelovedOne · January 2011

A day and away from stating couples counseling, and R calls me drunk off his butt from whiskey. He hasn't been drunk in a month and he calls me at 11:30 drunk on 9 shots of whiskey to insult me and tell me that I was wrong for leaving in the first place when I knew he was just stubborn and that he'd never hurt Kidlet on purpose. (No parent ever hurts their child on purpose. But he didn't stop when I told him to stop because he was scaring and hurting him because he was "stubborn" and the crying was 'frustrating." So tell me how I can trust him not to scare or hurt a colicky baby when she cries and he can't handle the frustration.)

Just when I thought we were making some headway and getting things back to normal. I told him that I would talk to him in the morning when he was sober and hung up, and he called my house phone. Repeatedly. I had to unplug the phone so it wouldn't wake up everyone else. He left a voicemail saying, "I'm sorry I called you and sorry I love you so much, is that what you want to hear?"

What I want him to be sorry for is the insults he hurled at me. I want him to accept and understand that what he did, what I left him over, was wrong and that it can't be excused away with "I was drunk and I'm stubborn." I thought we had already reached that point and were working past it, but evidently I was wrong.

This morning he texts me and says, "For the record, whiskey-soaked R is an idiot who doesn't know what he's talking about." and basically retracted everything he said last night. But I don't know what to believe from him now. I plan to go see the counselor tomorow anyway, by myself if I have to.

raangoli · January 2011

The only thing I have to complain about today is a stomach virus. Not cool.

@True - flowers! That's so sweet

@Beloved - I am really sorry to hear about what happened. I remember you saying a while ago that your FI doesn't like to drink, so what fueled his binge drinking? I hope that you can still go to the couples counseling starting later this week to continue to work on things. It sounded like things were headed in the right direction, so I hope they continue to.

I would definitely be cautious though since his behavior seems so erratic. You need to look out for whats best for you, kidlet and soon to be born kidlet.

DFWIndian · January 2011

Steph -- so cute! Text me a pic of the flowers plz!

Hisbeloved -- Did R hurt Kidlet once already?? Yea I would say be cautious and take the babies into account first!

trueleo818 · January 2011

@DFW- I'll FB it

@Raangoli- it was verryy sweet! unexpected from... ahem.

@Hisbeloved- you dont have to say, i was just curious but i remember you saying that Kidlet was in a wheel chair...what happened? Again, no need to talk about it if its personal.

Hinaj · January 2011

@True - Ahem!!! Am I thinking along the write lines, you better text me to be sure.

@Raangoli - Sucks about the stomach virus. Hope you get better soon.

@Beloved - I would find out why he got drunk to begin with, since you guys had started attending counseling and everything. Why did he feel that he needed to take such a huge step backwards. I would still be cautious like Raangoli suggested and talk to the counselor about this. Keep us updated.

What do I have to B&M about, doing last minute presentations. I am so annoyed at my professor, he told us this as we were walking out of class and guess what now it was done all in a hurry and half assed since majority of us in class work full time and/or have family and hubby. He is always talking about relating to us, how he did that too in school, but it definitely did not seem like it.

HisBelovedOne · January 2011

Apparently he's drinking to cope with me being gone. The reason I left in the first place, in a nutshell, was because he had gotten rough with Kidlet in early December.

Long version: Tuesday nights were movie nights with friends at our apartment, and alcohol always available for those who chose to partake. We never had any incident with alcohol being a problem. Our friends never had more than one or two drinks each and no one ever left impaired (we offered the couch to any who may have needed it). R normally didn't have more than one or two drinks and only ever on those once-a-week movie nights, but that Tuesday he'd had more than his usual amount, unbeknownst to me. I frequently spent a part of the evening away from the group to put Kidlet to bed and that particular night it took me longer than usual to get him to settle. He kept crying and looking at the closet so I had to check the closet and under the bed a few times before he was reassured that nothing was there. I remember thinking that was odd for him; he'd never refused to sleep until I checked the closet before.

Kidlet slept fitfully that night and woke screaming from a nightmare a little after 1 am. When I couldn't calm him R took over. Again, I didn't realize he was drunk at the time; his breath didn't smell of alcohol at that point. When he couldn't calm Kidlet fast enough, he tapped Kidlet on the face hard enough that it was audible, covered his mouth to muffle Kidlet's crying, and yelled at him to "shut the F up." Worse, he wouldn't stop when I told him that he was hurting and scaring the boy and it took me several minutes before he finally gave Kidlet back to me.

I left the next morning. He told me that he was just "drunk and stubborn and it wasn't a big deal," but my worry was and still is what could happen if he's "just stubborn" when we have a crying newborn AND a crying five-year-old and he won't stop when someone tells him he's gone too far, even if he isn't drunk at the time.

Kidlet is in a wheelchair because he's disabled. He's disabled because my ex couldn't cope with a crying baby and shook him. I didn't see the incident - therefore no witnesses and no prison time for abuse, though he did get a year in jail for neglecting to take him to the hospital. At the hospital they ran other tests and scans and found multiple sections of older brain damage, plus both femurs were broken and one arm was broken in a spiral fracture. Kidlet was only two months old at the time, and I had never seen my ex display any kind of physical violence toward him so I don't know when these injuries occurred. I suspect that the broken bones may have happened when Kidlet was at my ex's mom's house. I never trusted that woman or her boyfriend with my infant but my ex wouldn't allow anyone else to babysit.

My son almost didn't survive the final shake that put him in the hospital, but he miraculously came out on the other side and was home from the hospital within a month. As a result of the damage to his brain, he has major developmental disabilities. At five years old he still cannot speak, walk, feed or dress himself, or do anything most kids his age can do. Cognitive delays mean that his mentality is about that of a two or three year old. Given Kidlet's history it's little wonder that I'm being adamant that this gets fixed before I can move back in.

We were supposed to start a "trial run" of moving me back in - starting with a few nights a week - this weekend. R wants me to ignore last night and start the trial run anyway. I told him that when he could go at least a full 7 days without drinking to cope wth my absence, then we could start the trial run. If he's drinking because I'm gone, what's going to happen on nights that I don't stay over? If he can't learn that alcohol cannot be a crutch through this process, then I can't stay over there with him. It just isn't safe. I refuse to have a repeat of the incident that caused Kidlet's issues.

raangoli · January 2011

@Beloved - that is terrible and you have every right to have moved out and to be wary of going back. Especially in light of him turning to drinking because he's "coping with your having moved out". That's straight up BS (sorry, but it is) and I really feel like he should be doing everything in his power to make things right if he truly loved and cared for both you and kidlet.

I don't think anyone would blame you in the least if you didn't want to go back, ever. I sure as hell wouldn't. You are a strong woman for having been through what you've already been through, but there is no reason you should have to deal with that kind of ish ever again.

He needs to quit the drinking and work on whatever it is that's driving him to drink in the first place before he tries to become a father and a husband.

Sorry if this sounds harsh or angry, but I have no patience for people who drink and use it as a crutch. Not to mention people who are then physically abusive towards others, especially defenseless children.

DFWIndian · January 2011

Sarah I agree I understand why you are so hesitant. I know FI and I have discussed this and if either of us hurt our kids out of anger or something like that the other person will leave! I have the background with my mom so it's the reason the conversation even came up. I hope you do what's best for both of your kids and things work out well for you. Keep us updated.

HisBelovedOne · January 2011

Well, we saw the counselor yesterday. Counselor agrees that the trial run should be postponed for now and that R needs to stop with the drinking to dull the negative feelings he's getting. After all, can't effectively deal with something if you're too busy ignoring it.

He also gave us some "homework;" there's a compatibility assessment he wants us to take before we move forward with our couples sessions so we know what needs the most work. He said it's good that we haven't set a new wedding date (I should probably remove that ticker. I keep forgetting.) because it allows us time to work on our trouble spots without feeling rushed.

B&M Tuesday

Re: B&amp;M Tuesday

Choose Another Board

Search Boards

B&amp;M Tuesday

Re: B&amp;amp;M Tuesday

Choose Another Board

Search Boards

B&M Tuesday

Re: B&M Tuesday