Mixed messages from my Soldier

artilleryangel · May 2010

Hey ladies. I've been on the knot for a while (my fiance and I have been engaged for 2 1/2 of our 3 years togehter) and have *finally* gotten around the boards. Well, here's my situation: We met while he was deployed (go myspace) and things just progressed from pen-pals to a serious relationship - sent a dog tag, the whole 9-yards. He came home from deployment and took me to Disney a month or so later where he proposed. Since then we've called off our engagement twice and broken up once - got back together about 4 months ago and he put the ring back on my finger shortly thereafter.

Since then he's made comments like "We'll get married when I go active duty" - that's in 18months, when his Army Guard contract runs out. Another one that's common will be when I'm watching things like "Say Yes to the Dress" - he'll ask me what I'm watching and then tell me not to get my hopes up or something along those lines.

What do y'all think?

LuluP82 · May 2010

I think that if you're engaged, you should be planning a wedding. Personally, if it were me, I'd give back the ring and tell him to keep it until he's ready for marriage.

My fiance and I dated for 4 years before he proposed-- and we met as "adults" too (i.e. we were both out of college for some time when we met). He proposed, and I accepted, because we're ready to be married. There's nothing wrong with having a longer engagement if you need to save for the wedding or if you're waiting for a graduation or something like that, but I don't consider people who are "indefinitely engaged" to be engaged for real. Being engaged means you're planning a wedding. It could be happening within 6 momths, in a year, in 2 years...but you know when it's happening.

Simply Fated · May 2010

"then tell me not to get my hopes up or something along those lines."
I don't think he can be anymore blunt with you.

Talk to him about it. And listen to his words. You might not like what he has to say, but he can't say it any more cleary.

I think you should definitely give the ring back and use this time to work on your relationship. In 18 months you can revisit this stage in your relationship. But obviously you are both looking for different things right now.

kyrgyzstan · May 2010

Hmmm. This is tough, and I don't want to be mean, but he proposed right after he got back from deployment? People get very affected by deployments, and they mistake missing home and the ability to date for true love. It's a bad idea in my honest opinion to make huge decisions during things like boot camp (or right before/after), deployments (or right before/after), etc.

How old are you both?

I know a lot of hero worship happens during deployments on your end, and a lot of American girl worship happens on his end, which can lead to decisions that seem like super romantic, swept off your feet decisions, but are really a psychological need for comfort on his end and romance on yours. A dog tag is what he wears to identify his body in the event of a casualty, not a branding for a girlfriend he'd never met.

This whole post makes me sad for both of you. I agree with PPs. Quit talking about weddings/marriage, and maybe just be bf/gf for a while. See how that works for the next year and a half. There's no rush to get married. SO and I often joke that we're engaged to be engaged. I'm divorced, and though we've been together a long time, I'm not willing to rush into anything. I did that the first time, and it was a big mistake. I was your FI, not really wanting to get married, but allowed XH to pressure me into it. I loved him, but he should have just been a bf. NOT a FI, and definitely not an H.

catemeg · May 2010

A relationship that has existed only as long distance, and especially during a deployment, needs some time to adjust to normal life. You both need some time to work on your relationship before you get married, it sounds like. Tell him you love him, you want to spend your life with him, but you're in no rush (and mean that!). It will take the pressure off of him, and put the focus back on building a sturdy relationship. That will do you far more good in the long run than struggling through a quick engagement.

artilleryangel · May 2010

Thanks for all the advice ladies. And to answer an earlier question, we're both 23.

We would be getting married this weekend (but fortunately, I'm working) so I'm going to sit down with him and talk about it. My mother's been nervous that he's starting to use the ring and the engagment as a way to yank me around and keep me from leaving him in the event separating was better than staying together.

Thank again ladies!

meltoine · May 2010

I agree with PPs and your mom. Give the ring back. Try as best you can to start over and really get to know one another before making a huge decision.

mehgank · May 2010

Your mom is right, it sounds like the engagement ring is the carrot, and he's treating you like the donkey (sorry, bad metaphor, but I hope you know what I mean).

I suggest you both get the books 1,001 Questions to Ask Before You Get Married and The Long Distance Relationship Guidebook. My FI and I have read both, and they have really strengthened our bond, especially during times of deployment.

The first one really got us talking about our pasts, our families, our hopes for the future, the type of parent we'd like to be, etc. These are questions you might not ask while he's deployed, because you're so blinded by the romanticism of him being gone and you being devoted to him.

The second one helps you cope with problems that may arise while spending so much time apart. Trust issues, namely. My FI has never been on a deployment where a girlfriend of his has NOT cheated on him (besides me, of course LOL), so we really had to work together to build up his trust again.

And side note: from what I understand, isn't it really against the rules for him to send you his dog tags? I thought this was a punishable offense, but then again, I'm not 100% certain.

suz62984 · May 2010

It sounds like you guys aren't on the same wave length. You have broken up once and called on the engagement twice. Unfortunately it sounds like he isn't ready to go through with the marriage, while you are. You need to talk to him about it and go from there.

artilleryangel · May 2010

As for the dog tags, I'm not sure, I asked him about it when he sent it and most of his buddies had sent/given their girlfriends and wives a dog tag as a keep sake. But those two books sound like a brilliant idea and will get picked up, soon. In the interim, I've written him a letter and will read it to him this week (hopefully tonight). The gist says that we need to get on the same page because having a floating wedding date and being wishy-washy on even talking about it isn't getting us anywhere and I need to know (one way or the other) if he wants to get married now or if he'd rather wait. Because frankly, I'd rather marry him in X time when he's ready for it than do what we've been doing (and the donkey/carrot metaphor works for me).

catemeg · May 2010

No, I think that's putting the pressure on him, when he seems to have made his position clear. Don't make him say it again - it will probably only hurt you and your relationship.

What you need to say is that you love him and you want your relationship to be strong and healthy, more than you want to simply be married. Once you're strong and healthy together, THEN and only then should you be talking about getting married.

Take the bull by the horns, make the decision yourself, and get marriage off the table. Not delay it again - get it off the table. Then if after a bit (and I think a year at least is a good time frame, at least 6 months of not long distance) of being boyfriend/girlfriend you both decide you want to consider marriage again, then great!

But seriously, take it off the table. Give back the ring. Stay dating, just get un-engaged. You could even make it cute, and do like a reverse proposal, "Will you take this ring and just be my boyfriend again? I'd rather be happy and dating you than make us both miserable by trying to get married before we're ready."

Luke&Sam625 · May 2010

Sweetheart!!! Are you even listening to these very wise ladies? Please, do not take offense to this, but to me, it sounds like you just want to get married. Let me ask you, in your break ups did you completley separate from each other? not talk,text,email,see each other? and you've been together for 3 years, and engaged for all but 6 months of it? You were never just a couple.. wasn't he gone for most of that first 6 months? You guys should slow your roll. Why did you break up when you did? You might be ready but he's telling you he's not. open your eyes and your ears babe!!

artilleryangel · May 2010

No offense taken.

We never completely separated - always his idea and I caved into what he wanted. The first time (when we broke off the engagement only) his *mother* talked him out of leaving me. The second time was such a mess and I told him throughout the time we were "separate" (I was at school) that if we were done then I would move home after graduation and get my things from his/our apartment one weekend and we could be done with it. Then he called me, a day or so later, and told me he still wanted to be with me and that we should go ahead with our previous plans to move intogether permanently and we would eventually get back together. A friend in his unit told him not to leave me.

All the while, once we were living together, we had the "if it walks like a duck and talks like a duck" sort of relationship.

It's to a point where I'm tired of letting him lead the way and drag it on one way or the other.

Time and again I've said "Regardless of what our relatinship-status, we need to work on X-Y-Z" and some of it's been done. Ladies, I am truly listening to all of you. It's working the advice and words of wisdom into a way that he won't completely snap at that's proving difficult (hence that letter idea). And my summary wasn't that good as to what it really says either.

The biggest points in the letter, and I say/write them a few times are that I love him and that I'd rather be his girlfriend and work on our relationship than do what we're doing now - which is effectively that but with a shiny rock. It's what my cousin and her husband did (they were together for eigh or nine years, dated other people, and finally got engaged and married).

Hopefully I made some sense.

ScissortailFlycatcher · May 2010

I've read all the advice and your respones. And with your newest post it kind of makes me think you shouldn't even be dating this guy.
It doens't sound like he even wants a relationship, since every time he broke up with you, he was supposedly "forced" to by someone else.

If he really wanted to be with you, nothing would stop him. If he wanted to be engaged to you, he wouldn't tell you not to get your hope up.

It really does seem like he needed someone to talk to and write letters to deployment is a lonely thing. But, I'm not sure that means you should be his girlfriend and especially not his fiance.

Courtney0183 · May 2010

Do you really want to be with someone who is treating you like this? You are so young and haven't had the chance to establish a relationship before testing it. I am not judging I am just trying to give you some perspective.

This sounds ridiculous but the book "He's just not that into you" changed my life (or at least my perspective on relationships.

Whats the rush to be married? If he loved and respected you he would treat you in a way that reflects that. He would be making an effort.

I also agree with PPs the hero worship/ stress of a Long distance relationship can definitley skew your feelings about the relationship.

Good Luck!

artilleryangel · May 2010

Clarification: other people *stopped* him from going through with us breaking up. (I realized that I worded those two sentences badly in my other post.)

Well, one way or the other, things will be sorted out with us in the next several days. Thank you all for your help!

ScissortailFlycatcher · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_mixed-messages-soldier?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:13Discussion:8657de99-a636-42fb-a3e7-d4b43359408cPost:673f51fe-db95-4738-9fed-77dc177e671f">Re: Mixed messages from my Soldier</a>:
[QUOTE]Clarification: other people *stopped* him from going through with us breaking up. (I realized that I worded those two sentences badly in my other post.) Well, one way or the other, things will be sorted out with us in the next several days. Thank you all for your help!
Posted by artilleryangel[/QUOTE]

Either way, it's bad both ways. He was "stopped" from breaking up with you. He doesn't know what he wants.

I wish you the best of luck : )

Simply Fated · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_mixed-messages-soldier?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:8657de99-a636-42fb-a3e7-d4b43359408cPost:673f51fe-db95-4738-9fed-77dc177e671f">Re: Mixed messages from my Soldier</a>:
[QUOTE]Clarification: other people *stopped* him from going through with us breaking up. (I realized that I worded those two sentences badly in my other post.) Well, one way or the other, things will be sorted out with us in the next several days. Thank you all for your help!
Posted by artilleryangel[/QUOTE]
He shouldnt have had to be *stopped*.

He wanted to leave you and it took outside forces for him to not go through with what he wanted to do. And what he wanted to do was leave you.

Go to your local library, bookstore, or Amazon and check out this book...

<a href="http://www.amazon.com/Hes-Just-That-Into-Understanding/dp/068987474X" rel="nofollow">http://www.amazon.com/Hes-Just-That-Into-Understanding/dp/068987474X</a>

catemeg · May 2010

Seriously, I think you're giving us a cry for help. And we're trying to help you - please let us!

I've been in a relationship in the past that wasn't the healthiest for me. I'm sure most girls can say the same - where you love them more than they love you, and you feel like the sacrifices you make to keep them are worth it. They're not! When you're young and in your first serious relationship, it feels like you HAVE to make it work. When in fact, you probably should let it go and move on to something better.

Listen to these words and believe them - you are someone worth loving, you deserve to have a man in your life that doesn't make you question whether or not he wants to be with you, and your happiness should be the main priority in your own life - not someone else's happiness.

Repeat that in the mirror every morning and every night until you believe it.

It sounds like you love him a lot, and that you're afraid to lose him. At first I thought you needed to just be boyfriend and girlfriend, but it really sounds like you're asking us subconsciously for permission to break things off with him. Don't wait for him to break up with you - really, you need to take control of your life and believe that you deserve better.

Men only reach as high as you set the bar - if you set the bar really low, you'll never find a guy willing to treat you as you deserve. By letting him yank you around, you've lowered your self-worth both to yourself and to him. Tell yourself that you deserve better, and then believe it!

Good luck, and let us know how it turns out!

kyrgyzstan · May 2010

*applauds for CateMeg*

JMU_Bride09 · May 2010

I think that all of these ladies are giving you solid advice. I 100% agree with everything they have said. When I was younger, I felt like I had to be in a relationship at all times…I wasn’t happy if I wasn’t either with a guy or obsessing over a crush. It led me to date a lot of losers that I now wish I had never wasted the time on. It wasn’t until I stopped looking that I actually met my fiancé. Do not date/marry this guy simply to be with someone. Especially if he does not value your relationship as much as you do. It will be hard to leave him, but I am positive that you in the future you will be very happy with your decision. End the relationship and spend some time with yourself and your friends. Your soulmate WILL find you (I am a firm believer in that). Good luck!

artilleryangel · May 2010

Well we had our conversation this weekend. He didn't realize this was bothering me and said that he he does want to be with and eventually marry me (which surprised me a little because of the afore mentioned mixed signals). We agreed that for the immediate time, however, we were just going to be a couple and that once he gets closer to going Active Duty *he* will be the one to bring up figuring out the future again.

As for the bar...he knows it's been raised because I stopped putting up with a lot of things he did as a college student just over a month ago. It will be a very interesting, if not defining, next several weeks for our relationship.

bbyckes · May 2010

I haven't read all the responses, but give the ring back and let this go. He really isn't that into you anymore. Go and open yourself up to someone who is.

ETA: I just read your last response and I think you're falling for the okey doke. I think it's time for you to move on, really. Listen to your mother. She's seeing something in your relationship that you're frankly unable or unwilling to see.

kaynix21 · May 2010

I've skimmed a lot of posts....and everyone sort of wants you to give back the ring and move on.

My FI and I went through something sort of like this.

We got together at 16. He went to boot, came home and proposed but we figured it'd be a "long engagement." I never thought about looking at dresses, or anything. And I really do think if you're engaged you should be planning a wedding, even if you plan it for two or three years.

FI and I eventually broke about two years later. We were seperated for eight months. He moved out, went away to some training, we both were with other people, etc.

Then we got back together and worked on things. After a year of being back together he proposed with the intent of marrying me in the next year.

Our wedding is in six and a half weeks.

With that said, if you love him, which it sounds like you do, I don't think you're in the mind frame that this is over. The other girls seem to think it is and that he's not interested. Maybe, maybe not. But it's up to you to decide that. I was at the point with my FI that I knew it was over and we needed to break up, but I was so crazy in love with him, I wouldn't leave because I wanted things to work out.

I just kept waiting for the last shoe to drop. I wanted that final thing that was, OK! We're over, I'm out I can't do this. And I waited a very very long time until FI finally said we should take a break, which I said it's either all or nothing, no breaks,we're not Ross and Rachel.

But I think if you're sitll in it and think there's a future, keep trying. You'll either work it, or you won't. Only you and your boyfriend really understand what your relationship is like.

sexydr · June 2010

You deserve someone that loves you, knows that he loves you, and makes sure that you know that he loves you. This guy is not any of the above from what you have been writing. The more time you spend with him, the more time you are missing out being with the right guy who will not keep you guessing or worried about how he feels and his level of commitment to you. Speaking from experience and a prior divorce, when you are with the right person he'll know it, you'll know it, and the worry is gone...except for the worry about which fabulous dress to buy and wear down the aisle to Mr. Right! My advice: take some time off from dating and find out why you love yourself and when a guy comes along that loves you for the same reasons, tie the knot!!

riris · September 2010

one thing i know it aint easy being with a soldier...they go through so many mood swings...bear with him...its not easy

calindi · September 2010

Riris, don't post on things that are older than 2 days old unless you have a very good reason (it's about you, you started it and need to update, etc.) because it's considered bad board etiquette. Thanks!

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