Large ceremony and cake reception followed by a small intimate dinner reception

Donuttrouble · September 2010

My fiance and I have A LOT of friends and family. Our ceremony location can hold all of our friends and family, but the nice reception place can only hold a small amount. we also do not have the budget to invite everyone to a nice dinner. We were thinking about inviting everyone to a quick cake reception then going to our smaller reception location with our really close family and friends. Is this rude? Any advice?

jess9802 · September 2010

Yes, this is rude.

baystateapple · September 2010

Your reception is your "thank you" to your guests. Do you really want to send the message "thanks for coming, you're good enough for cake but not for a full meal, but THESE people are"?

Invite the number you can afford.

AdeleDazeem · September 2010

That's a bit rude, yes.

Host the reception you can afford that includes everyone who you want there. A cake/punch reception is fine.

If you really want the intimate dinner with your family, you're going to have to make it a very separate event - perhaps the night before or the night after.

aMrsin09 · September 2010

I'm kind of torn on this one because you ARE hosting a reception for everyone who attended the ceremony and what you have planned is kind of an "after party" with friends and family.

After party's happen all the time and no one seems to blink.

I will have to ponder this one a bit more.

Stackeye210 · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_large-ceremony-cake-reception-followed-small-intimate-dinner-reception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8d0a91a5-a9b0-4a8f-b179-ba1a2ab931bfPost:6b2cff37-1fb4-4bf1-a83f-aeb0638b0f12">Large ceremony and cake reception followed by a small intimate dinner reception</a>:
[QUOTE]My fiance and I have A LOT of friends and family. Our ceremony location can hold all of our friends and family, but the nice reception place can only hold a small amount. we also do not have the budget to invite everyone to a nice dinner. We were thinking about <strong>inviting everyone to a quick cake reception</strong> then going to our smaller reception location with our really close family and friends. Is this rude? Any advice?
Posted by Donuttrouble[/QUOTE]

I think labeling it as a "quick cake reception" is the part that makes it rude. These people are obviously going to your wedding because they want to celebrate you and the marriage. They will sense if they're being rushed out for something else. I can honestly see where your thought process is on the situation, however, I think you would need to give more thought as to what sort of cake and punch reception you'd be giving the guests and whether or not you are just rushing them out of the building so you can get to a party you feel is going to be more fun. (does that make sense?)

There's nothing wrong with having an after dinner with close friends and family, but you really need to consider the cake at the church afterwards your total reception since it is with ALL the guests you invited.

Good luck.

Pirata13 · September 2010

Have a small wedding and reception with those you can afford to invite.

Mrs.B6302007 · September 2010

I think it depends on the reason for dual receptions. In order to save money, no because you are catergorizing your guests into "gets" and "don't gets".

I've been (one as a BM) to 2 pastors' kids' weddings where there were dual receptions and IMO, they weren't rude because of the reasoning. WHen your dad is the pastor, every church member wants to attend but it's not your desire to have everyone yet you're obligated so as not to cause strife. So, an early afternoon wedding with a family hall reception with food (not just cake) at the church for a couple of hours open to everyone and then a second reception with dancing and such that evening is fine. Again, IMO. That's also the only time that I've experienced an "acceptable" gap but it didn't feel like it since I was being fed 2x.

nhelene · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_large-ceremony-cake-reception-followed-small-intimate-dinner-reception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:8d0a91a5-a9b0-4a8f-b179-ba1a2ab931bfPost:306ad415-22c1-4fba-a17a-997bfc1bec92">Re: Large ceremony and cake reception followed by a small intimate dinner reception</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm kind of torn on this one because you ARE hosting a reception for everyone who attended the ceremony and what you have planned is kind of an "after party" with friends and family. After party's happen all the time and no one seems to blink. I will have to ponder this one a bit more.
Posted by aMrsin09[/QUOTE]

I think it would be ok IF the wedding and cake and punch reception take place in the early afternoon and end at least 2 hours before the dinner. Which isn't a "reception", it's dinner.

quotequeen · September 2010

Having a reception and then later on going to dinner with your immediate family is one thing. The more the dinner seems like a reception (if you keep wearing your dress, and have a first dance, etc.), and the more people you invite to the dinner outside of your immediate family, the more it looks like tiered receptions rather than having one reception and then going to dinner later since you have to eat. And the more likely that if people find out about it, they will be hurt.

danieliza1127 · September 2010

The only way to do this is to have an actual cake and punch reception after the ceremony. Don't rush it or make it quick. That is your reception. After that's all over and everyone has left, you can then go out to dinner with immediate family and best friends. At that point, it's just dinner because the wedding stuff is all over. It's not a reception or an after-party.

squirrly · September 2010

The thing about the after-party is that it's normally "open to the public" and not hosted by the B&G, and it's frequently because either there's a lot of family that won't want to party hearty OR a chunk of family that disapproves of drinking/dancing/etc.

This case is just all together different.

I think having a reception with light finger foods, cake, and punch for everyone is fine. I think having a brunch or dinner the following day with close friends and family is fine, hosted or not. I think if another family member, who didn't host the wedding/early reception hosted a later party the day of the wedding and sent separate invites on their own, that would be ok. But I think 2 things in the same day hosted by the same people is what's uncomfortable.

danieliza1127 · September 2010

The thing is any couple who has an afternoon reception is going to go eat dinner later. So I don't see anything wrong with them going to eat dinner with their parents and siblings and best friends. Once the reception is over, it's over. It's none of my business what the bride and groom and family do the rest of the evening.

ETA: To clarify, I mean dinner at a restaurant. I don't think she should rent a hall and do centerpieces and linens and all that jazz.

squirrly · September 2010

Dani, I guess if it's 12 people at dinner, it's one thing. But 40 of her original 180 guests is quite another.

leah2b · September 2010

I like Squirrly's idea above about holding the small dinner the day fter, hosted by parents, or something.

If I was invited to a wedding and then a cake reception, then only "some" people got to go to the real reception, I would feel a little put out - like they only wanted me there to give a gift. Honestly, I don't like the idea.

LuluP82 · September 2010

I think it can be done, but it depends on a lot of factors.

1. Like everyone said, cake and punch is your reception. Treat it as such. Don't make it rushed. Serve hors d'oerves and cake, not just cake. If you want to have first dances, etc-- do it here.

2. Invite almost no one to dinner. Your families and a handful of friends. If you invite 50 ppl, like everyone else said, it will be rude. And also, more likely that it will get out and offend your guests.

3. Your ceremony should be early in the day, followed by the cake and punch reception in the afternoon. A few hours after the end of the cake and punch reception, dinner can happen. You CANNOT have, say a 4pm ceremony followed by cake and punch from 5-6 and dinner at 6:30. You need to have, say a 2 pm ceremony followed by cake and punch from 3-6 followed by dinner at 8.

4. Like someone else said, dinner needs to be at a restaurant or something. Not in a hall, not with fancy centerpieces, not at all weddng-like. Just dinner.

5. Maybe consider changing out of your dress before going to the restaurant.

6. If you want to have a dinner and dancing reception, cut your guest list. Tiering it is not okay.

Good luck.

lyndausvi · September 2010

It still it does not sit well with me. The second reception will get out to the general public (it always does) and those who are not invited will not understand why they were left out and feel like you only invited them for a gift.

LuluP82 · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_large-ceremony-cake-reception-followed-small-intimate-dinner-reception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:8d0a91a5-a9b0-4a8f-b179-ba1a2ab931bfPost:aef7f954-22f3-40ed-acb4-41d5613c8452">Re: Large ceremony and cake reception followed by a small intimate dinner reception</a>:
[QUOTE]It still it does not sit well with me. The second reception will get out to the general public (it always does) and those who are not invited will not understand why they were left out and feel like you only invited them for a gift.
Posted by lyndausvi[/QUOTE]

I think everyone has advised her in ways she can make it unoffensive. I think if she has a 2nd reception, like she's proposing, it's a recipe for disaster. Dani and I have said she could have an afternoon wedding and cake and punch reception followed by a dinner much later, not in a reception hall, but in a restaurant or something, and for just family and a handful of friends. I mean...if you have an afternoon cake and punch reception, you have to eat dinner, right?

lyndausvi · September 2010

Honestly, I've never been to a cake and punch reception.

The party never stops at weddings in my world. Regardless of the time of day after the reception everyone gets together for an after-party. The bride and groom more than likely attend, but if not at the very least the parents and WP are partying it up family and friends. It would be very weird for me to hear the parents and WP having another obligation after the 'reception' is over.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · September 2010

I agree with PPs. Your cake reception should be your "real" reception and treated as such. In the end, yes, you'll need to eat dinner and you might as well go out with your family that night, especially if they are visiting, but don't treat it like a "second reception" or a traditional reception. If you do a first dance or tosses, do those at your cake reception. Don't make it quick. Two hours, at least. Have your ceremony at 2pm, followed by cake, then freshen up and do dinner around 6 or 7.

Donuttrouble · September 2010

Thanks everyone. I have some good advice to talk over with my fiance and parents

ThePinkSuperhero · September 2010

We did this- afternoon ceremony (1 p.m.), cake & punch afterwards with all 200 or so guests- it was nice, it lasted from about 2 to being completely over by 5, people ate desserts and socialized, we did a few toasts and a ceremonial first dance although there was no more dancing, then just our family and three out of town friends (about 20 people) had dinner together. I am very happy with how it turned out.

Large ceremony and cake reception followed by a small intimate dinner reception

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