Mother Drama

Re: Mother Drama

• JessieGirl1983

  

  March 2010 edited December 2011

  Wow!!  My heart is really going out to you right now.  It is a very hard thing to purge toxic people from our lives, especially if that toxic person is family, and ESPECIALLY is that toxic person is your mother.    Are you doing any premarital counciling?  Are there any professionals that you can talk to?  I keep thinking about how scared you are that she will show up at your wedding and ruin it, but I know that these feelings run much deeper than just the wedding.  There are years of problems with her that you have been trying to detoxify and here they are now staring you right in the face. 
  
  Above all else, no matter what happens, make up your mind that this is YOUR day and your fiance's day.  No one and nothing can change that.  You have to understand that whatever can go wrong on your wedding day probably will (for all of us), and what matters is your attitude and how you handle these things that will make the day everything it should be.  You have found happiness, and that is truly something to celebrate, and it is something that your mom can not take away from you.  You need to focus on not giving her the power to take it away from you.  The important thing to remember is who you are, and what type of person you are.  Maybe you need to focus on letting go of anger and resentment, not because she deserves it, but because you are a good person and you know that those feelings will only eat away at you.  Find a peace within yourself, and go from there.  I don't know if you are spiritual or not, but I feel like this is a problem that is bigger than you.  You might try praying about it, or even meditating on positive thoughts, or even just doing some yoga to purge these negative feelings she is creating in you. 
  
  I hope you are able to find a solution to this that creates inner peace for you.

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• [Deleted User] member

  

  March 2010 edited December 2011

  I feel for you. I can't relate to your direct situation with you Mom, but similar. My Mom and I don't get along. She is very controlling and manipulating. When I finally moved out of the house, we didn't talk for 6 mos or more. She tried to break my FI and I up before we were even engaged. We did do pre-marital counseling with our priest and it has helped a lot. He has given us ways to deal with her in the future, with our kids, etc.
  
  Thank God we live 650 miles away, so she really can't do anything, but still tries if she can. She has done some things to me in the past that have really hurt me (not gonna go into details here) and I know I have done some things to hurt her. I have forgiven her for them, however, she cannot forgive and continues to hold grudges on people. I honestly don't even know if she will show up at our wedding, and I don't care. She has been non-exsistent in the whole planning process.
  
  She is a very unhappy and bitter person, and she wants everyone else to be so as well. I refuse to let her get the best of me bc b4 I moved out of the house, I know I was close to a nervous breakdown. Now my poor unfortunate sister is going thru the same thing bc she no longer has me, and I am having to help her deal with that.
  
  My best advice is to talk to someone you can trust and also pray about it. I would tell her nicely where you stand and if she can't be civilized at your wedding, don't come. I have told my Mom that and she couldn't even say a word. I told her the first time she started her mouth, I would show her to the door. I know it sounds harsh, but I am right there with you about not wanting our special days runined. HTH! Good luck, I will be thinking about you. It helps me to know that I am not the only one who is/goes thru this kinda thing.
  

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• [Deleted User]

  

  March 2010 edited December 2011

  Wow that sucks. Depending on your venue, maybe you could hire someone to run the guest list and not let anyone in who isn't on it. Other than that I don't really know what to do other than say just focus on the positive--marrying a great guy and being happy!

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• AutumnFair member

  

  March 2010 edited December 2011

  I too feel for you, and if want to completely cut your mom out of your life you definitely have the right to do so. But just remember if you decide to not let her come then you have basically made it clear that you will be burning the bridge with her and in the future you decide you want to patch things up it will be very very hard.

  
  

  My advice is that if do not want her there, tell her in the exact way you have in your post. You need to explain that she is not invited and if she shows up she will be escorted out by security (something you definitely should look into if your venue doesn't already have it), family members could work to. Sadly, I'm betting a lot of drama in store so stay tough through this because you will probably be getting a lot of drama from her and her side of the family (unless they already understand your reasoning). Good luck to you.
  

  
  

  
  

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• acr7581 member

  

  March 2010 edited December 2011

  This is your day and not hers!  Do not give her that power over you.  My advice would be to talk to your FI and other family members.  Fill them in on the situation and be firm that this is how you feel and you understand the repercussions of not inviting her.  Your family members (hopefully) can help deal with your mom and if she shows up on that day, they can deal with it and not you. 
  
  Its a crappy thing for a mom to do but you can't control her.  You can only control yourself and your reactions. 
  

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• dawn4433 member

  

  March 2010 edited December 2011

  Thanks everyone! Yes, I does suck. I'm stuck between the whole kicking her out if she shows up or ignoring it.  It's a small wedding so it will be known.  There is very little family coming from my side an those that are there absolutely understand the situation. 
  
  If I knew she could just show up and not make a scene I wouldnt really care. Honestly she's been nothing in my life and words can't describe how at peace I feel now that I've made that decision.  It's not a decision that would work for everyone and there was an enormous amount of struggle but the crux is I'm happy and it's best for me and those I care about to have no contact with her. 
  
  She's just absolutely one of those self centered people who everything is all about her. I have never  been anywhere where she did not make a spectacle of herself.  the one that comes to mind is when she got a tattoo (mind you she's almost 60!) on her left breast!!  Proceeded to walk around my sister's wedding showing people her tattoo.. My sister was absolutely mortified this was in front of her conservative inlaws and work associates (she's an attorney). I guess that what she feels appropriate mother of the bride behavior is.
  
  As I keep saying.... eloping sounds good!!
  

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• Nukke member

  

  March 2010 edited December 2011

  Have you considered a destination wedding?  That would probably keep her away... especially if being escorted from the wedding meant she'd end up in a mexican jail.  :P

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• sjnsjnsjn

  

  April 2010 edited December 2011

  Do you know any big dudes who can act as a bouncer at the door?  I've considered it because my guy has some awful relatives who are not invited and would like nothing more than to make a scene.  Good luck, and I am SO sorry!

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• debdebdol

  

  April 2010 edited December 2011

  I totall feel you.  I have mother drama myself, and strongly considered not inviting her.  But, I know that if I don't invite her it will make things so much worse.  I can just imagine it, she would show up, start fighting with my dad & aunts, start crying and make it all about her (she did this for my college graduation).
  
  I would def make sure to have some type of security if you want to keep her out, and hopefully she does not make a scene and make herself out to be the victim.
  
  This might sound wrong, and don't take it the wrong way, but I am glad to hear that I am not the only one with mom issues.  While many brides will have their mom there for their bridal shower, helping her get ready the day of the wedding, and so forth I will not have that.  Many brides have had their moms helping them with their wedding plans but some of us aren't so lucky...it's just nice to know that I am not alone.  But despite that I have an aunt who is more like a mother to me than my own, and that is good enough for me.

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• dawn4433 member

  

  April 2010 edited December 2011

  Thanks Deb, that made me feel better.  It just stinks not to have a mother in the traditional sense of mother.  I have spent most of my life acting like the parent and just don't want to deal with the drama anymore. I have huge jealousy towards the brides who are upset because their mom is too involved... I know it's simply different drama but those of us who don't have a mom that cares about them feel sad.  It's a different sad than those who don't have their moms since they passed away.. That is incredibly sad and I understand the loneliness of it but a mom who doesn't give a darn is awful.  Of course we all think our personal situation is the most unique and hardest to deal with.. In the end we all have drama!!  But it's nice (maybe not the right word but you know what I mean) to know someone is in the same boat.
  
  The good/bad news is that I am the manager of the venue that we are getting married at.  I can have the bouncer thing/ lookout kick her out but I really dont feel to comfortable about my staff knowing my personal mother drama.  It's kind of embarrassing and really no one's business.  I  just want it to go away..
  

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• ChrisChelsea10/08 member

  

  April 2010 edited December 2011

  Go to your local gym, and hire one of the bigger trainer guys to be security. There do it for pretty cheap and them she can't get in. Just a thought.

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• tommyandy member

  

  April 2010 edited December 2011

  I stopped talking to my mother 19 years ago.  She moved to another country 10 or so years ago(sorry Canada).  When you realize that you won't tolerate her type of behavior from a boss, a co-worker, a lover, or a friend it gets very easy to say I don't want to have anything to do with you.  Call your local police department on the non-emergency number and ask about hiring an off duty cop for the duration of the wedding.  That way if she completely wigs out, she will go to jail.  

  I want to send my mother a wedding announcement, but I know it would just be petty.

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• ivelissed member

  

  April 2010 edited December 2011

  Do you have anyone in your family that controls her (my mom is not completely balanced either, but she's in peace when some people are around, I really don't know why, but whenever she has a breakdown and these people show up she's just fine) that could sit near the door in case she comes in, so that she feels calm and could sit beside these people and just stay put?  Keep in mind that even with these people around she might come to you and say mean things to your ear (been there) but you have to be strong and look into your FH eyes and see the future ahead. just remember that from that day on you have to be a stronger person for your new family.

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