Community› Wedding Discussion Boards› Moms and Maids
Moms and Maids
New Discussion

Help! MOB is jealous of FMIL

azdancer8azdancer8 member
First Comment
in Moms and Maids
My FMIL lives just a few hours away from me, near where FI and I will live after the wedding. My mother lives in a different state. FMIL has been wonderful about giving me ideas and offering assistance and all that. I am keeping my mom as involved as I can, given that she lives so far away.

The problem is, every time I get excited about something wedding related, my mom's reaction depresses me. I think she wants to like my FMIL (who she hasn't met yet) and be happy for me, but all she can focus on is that she lives so far away from me and FMIL gets to see me all the time, and she'll get to see the future grandkids all the time, and so on. It's making it really hard for me to want to talk with her about the wedding, or my FI, or our future plans. It happens EVERY time we talk. I'm tired of the emotional angst and don't want to dread every conversation with my mom.

Any suggestions?
image
Married Bio
Report Reply to Post

Re: Help! MOB is jealous of FMIL

  • CaseyandSalleyCaseyandSalley member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011

    My mom is the same way and we all live in the same city. Shes always had a problem with me being with my FI's family. Shes the only family member I got and I try to include her at family functions holidays ect but she expects me to have two dinners at holidays with her alone when she's one person she can come to where Im at right?

    All you can do is try and make it all work.

    Have a chat with her.

    MOM "lets focus on the positive stuff" Ill come visit often send pics via email often.

    Are you the only child?

    My Shoes :)Photobucket
    Report Reply
  • AutumnFairAutumnFair member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Sounds like your mom indeed has the jealous bug. Basically, the best thing you can do is schedule some mother/daughter time when you or she are in town. Also if it has become a dreaded "woes me and being far away" about every wedding conversation you have I think its time to tone down the wedding talk. Unless she asks specifically about something I say don't bring that up because she is obviously turning it around to make you feel guilty. Sometimes it's the parents that need the growing up and understanding of letting go of their now adult children. 
    Report Reply
  • BeeBee22BeeBee22 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Can you have an open conversation with her about this?  How you do it would depend on your relationship, but she may be too wrapped up in her own upset to realize the negative impact her behavior is having.

    The distance is not an issue that will go away (as you said, grandchildren, etc.). It might help to address it head on. It's a fact of life that you'll be physically closer to your FMIL. Your mother is resisting that instead of (however unhappily) accepting it.

    If you discuss her unhappiness and the situation openly, maybe you two can start to think about how to cope with it in the long term, so she doesn't just feel she's losing you. Just reframing a problem in her head can help. It won't be immediate, and she'll still be sad, but it might be a better dynamic.  

    Do you have skype?  That alone can be incredibly helpful.  My mother actually moved to be nearer her only grandchild, but that's a pretty big step (and worked for several reasons specific to her situation).

    These are hard things to deal with. Good luck to you both.


    Report Reply
  • Muffin'sMomMuffin'sMom
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    She feels lost and afraid of losing you.  Hopefully, given some time she will see that you will always be her daughter.  It's easy for us Moms to get wrapped in our feelings, but evetually we should find our way out!

    It also takes time to put the jealous thing aside.  My DD has a MIL that is like Martha Stewart on steroids.  Every dinner is perfect, the house is perfect, the gifts are wrapped perfectly and everything coordinates beautifully.  Frankly, at first it was way intimidating!

    It took me some to realize that my more laid back style was just as wonderful...just different.  So, I'm the "fun" one.  We have backyard BBQ's, spend time in the pool, drink beer out of bottles, and give gifts in gift bags because they are easier!

    She'll get there!  Just keep telling her you love her  Smile
    My baby girl is a married woman...and now my baby girl HAS a baby girl. Time unfolds in such an amazing way. I've been blessed!
    Report Reply
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy mod
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    It sounds like your Mom is missing you. Just remind her that it's not the amount of time but the quality of time you spend together that counts. Try to keep the conversations on a positive note. When you talk to Mom about the wedding, leave FMIL out of the conversation. Once your mom has a chance to get to know her, she may have more interest in FMILs opinion. But right now, it's just a reminder to her that she is not there with you, doing the things that she would like to do. In her mind, someone else is getting that honor.

    Write your mom a letter about how much she means to you. She can read it whenever she is feeling left out.


                       
    Report Reply
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards