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opalsky007 · May 2011

What you're hoping to do is called a vow renewal. These are fine, but they shouldn't be confused with a real wedding. They are more like parties than traditional weddings: you have a quick ceremony, and then get down to partying. Skip the usual toasts, tons of dances, matching attire and whatnot.

You should decline any showers offered.

When you write your invitations, they should clearly state that this is a renewal of vows, and not a first-time marriage.

Good luck with your planning.

Ghoti · May 2011

Vow renewals are fine, but re-doing the whole song and dance will just make you look silly. So 1, is no, 2, you don't, and 3, it sounds like you don't care what we think since you already have a bridesmaid?

pantherRN · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_real-wedding-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ad5a5d0c-eb1a-45ae-a0f6-8420cf088428Post:33abfc8b-6619-4cf2-9293-be4235622cd0">Help!! Real Wedding question</a>:
[QUOTE]Last year my Husband to be and I were in the middle of planning our dream wedding. We had just decided on a place and the week we were to put down a deposit for the following summer we got a huge surprise. After being told I could never have children we found out we were pregnant. I had lost my job just a few months before and had no health insurance and decided we would go to the court house alone and get married. We didn't want people to consider it our wedding but just paper work that we had to do to take care of our unborn child. In the end everyone found out and everyone considers us married. Here we are almost a year later and we just put a deposit on a place for a Wedding and reception. I have this feeling of guilt because I know we are already married and so do other people, but I waited 30 years for this and I still want it. I want my Dad to walk me down the isle and I want to dance in my dress with my husband. I guess my question is,,,<strong>,Is it okay to have a Wedding, a Real Wedding after we eloped in the court house last year? Also how do we word our invites since technically we are already married? and my final question is,,...Should I tell my bridesmaid to nix the Shower? Help I am so confused</strong>!
Posted by MissBuzzy[/QUOTE]

No, what you want to do is a vow renewal. You are already married, even if you don't consider yourself married. No showers, no pre-wedding parties, and I don't think you should have a BM either.

Good luck with your planning.

redheadfsu · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_real-wedding-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:ad5a5d0c-eb1a-45ae-a0f6-8420cf088428Post:33abfc8b-6619-4cf2-9293-be4235622cd0">Help!! Real Wedding question</a>:
[QUOTE]I want my Dad to walk me down the isle and I want to dance in my dress with my husband. I guess my question is,,,,Is it okay to have a Wedding, a Real Wedding after we eloped in the court house last year? Also how do we word our invites since technically we are already married? and my final question is,,...Should I tell my bridesmaid to nix the Shower? Help I am so confused!!
Posted by MissBuzzy[/QUOTE]

Yup it is a vow-renewal. Which is fine to do, but usually they are toned down.

1. Your father can walk you down the aisle, but this can be judged (people don't understand, because <strong>you are married</strong>).

2. List it as a vow-renewal on the invite.

3. Do not have showers or B parties.That is very tacky. (Most of the time WP are frowned upon, but I see no harm in a very small WP)

[Deleted User] · May 2011

I second all the other ladies.

midgetthemighty · May 2011

And I third all of them.

trawas01 · May 2011

I guess I'm in the minority.

Maybe you can't call it a "wedding" on your invite but you can call it a celebration of your marriage.

If you want your Dad to walk you down the aisle do it. You'll need to modify your ceremony a bit, as pp suggested model it more after a vow renewal then a first time wedding ceremony. If you want your best friend to stand up as your Maid of Honor, ask her. If you want to finally have that first dance as husband and wife, have it. If your bridesmaids want to throw you a shower, let them.

Frankly, weddings are all symbolic anyway, yours may be a little late in the game but that doesn't mean you can't have it.

The people who frown upon it are the ones who probably don't matter to much to you in the long run anyway. The people who love you and your husband and your baby (congrats on the surprise by the way) should be happy to come and celebrate your lives together.

Thats my two cents at least....

MissBuzzy · May 2011

How refreshing your response is and thank you for it! I was really starting to feel like I was in a rainstorm of negativity!

I agree with you, if people are going to judge, then maybe they shouldn't be around in the first place:)

Thank you again!! Your positive response really made my day!

missy68 · May 2011

To ignore your courthouse/JOP wedding as a "non-wedding" is an insult to those who chose to go that route.
This is a vow renewal, and needs to be stated as such, with no showers, etc. If you must have your dress, have your dress, but your guests need to know they are attending a renewal, not a wedding.

nurse.misty · May 2011

7 people tell you the correct way to do something, and yet you only thank the 1 person who tells you it's ok to do what you want even though it's incorrect etiquette. Just because the answers given were not what you wanted to hear, does not mean they were negative.

trawas01 · May 2011

I don't think the original poster is looking to say that their marriage certificate isn't real, that a courthouse wedding isn't valid or that she's turning into someone who just wants "HER" day.

She and her husband want to celebrate their union with family and friends, albeit a little later then most of us have the ability to do. I don't think there is any "correct" way to do that. It's correct as long as they and their family and friends are happy with it.

My apologies to those who felt my response sucked or was incorrect but its a matter of opinion and we all have one...

pantherRN · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_real-wedding-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ad5a5d0c-eb1a-45ae-a0f6-8420cf088428Post:e7f936d5-9dfb-4926-bc5f-e0b1290c6486">Re: Help!! Real Wedding question</a>:
[QUOTE]I guess I'm in the minority. Maybe you can't call it a "wedding" on your invite but you can call it a celebration of your marriage. If you want your Dad to walk you down the aisle do it. You'll need to modify your ceremony a bit, as pp suggested model it more after a vow renewal then a first time wedding ceremony. If you want your best friend to stand up as your Maid of Honor, ask her. If you want to finally have that first dance as husband and wife, have it. If your bridesmaids want to throw you a shower, let them. <strong>Frankly, weddings are all symbolic anyway, yours may be a little late in the game but that doesn't mean you can't have it.</strong> The people who frown upon it are the ones who probably don't matter to much to you in the long run anyway. The people who love you and your husband and your baby (congrats on the surprise by the way) should be happy to come and celebrate your lives together. Thats my two cents at least....
Posted by trawas01[/QUOTE]

Actually, weddings are not just symbolic. They are legal and religious ceremonies that have meaning beyond the rings on your fingers and the feeling in your heart.

OP, no one said you can't have your day and no one was negative. There is nothing wrong with a vow renewal, you just need to go about it properly.

AdeleDazeem · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_real-wedding-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ad5a5d0c-eb1a-45ae-a0f6-8420cf088428Post:e7f936d5-9dfb-4926-bc5f-e0b1290c6486">Re: Help!! Real Wedding question</a>:
[QUOTE] Frankly, weddings are all symbolic anyway, yours may be a little late in the game but that doesn't mean you can't have it.
Posted by trawas01[/QUOTE]

My wedding isn't symbolic. It is a ceremony that joins us legally in marriage and it happens tomorrow.

trawas01 · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_real-wedding-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ad5a5d0c-eb1a-45ae-a0f6-8420cf088428Post:ceea03eb-c5cd-40ab-bf6d-001e6db882b6">Re: Help!! Real Wedding question</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Help!! Real Wedding question : My wedding isn't symbolic. It is a ceremony that joins us legally in marriage and it happens tomorrow.
Posted by Joy2611[/QUOTE]

Your marriage certificate legally binds you to each other. You ceremony, your wedding reception, those are all just a symbolic way of showing.

noodle_oo · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_real-wedding-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ad5a5d0c-eb1a-45ae-a0f6-8420cf088428Post:3ac87659-f48a-46c6-9156-eb61663340da">Re: Help!! Real Wedding question</a>:
[QUOTE]How refreshing your response is and thank you for it! I was really starting to feel like I was in a rainstorm of negativity! I agree with you, if people are going to judge, then maybe they shouldn't be around in the first place:) Thank you again!! Your positive response really made my day!
Posted by MissBuzzy[/QUOTE]

You can of course do whatever you want (well, you can't get married again since you are already married, but other than that...). But just realize that if you have a huge princessy wedding, many people will think you are overdoing it. They won't tell you to your face, but they will say it behind your back. Even those who love you.

I personally think having a nice vow renewal ceremony is fine, have a MOH if you want, just keep it low key. But if you start having showers and b-parties and a big princess dress and cake cutting and first dance, etc, you going to look like an attention whore. You are already married. You had your day, it just wasn't exactly what you planned. That's life. And I do think that going that route makes you look childish. Woudln't a lot of that money be better spent on your child?

waltzingmatilda13 · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_real-wedding-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ad5a5d0c-eb1a-45ae-a0f6-8420cf088428Post:4dd6d224-ad65-48dd-9880-21ee062d20d5">Re: Help!! Real Wedding question</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't think the original poster is looking to say that their marriage certificate isn't real, that a courthouse wedding isn't valid or that she's turning into someone who just wants "HER" day. She and her husband want to celebrate their union with family and friends, albeit a little later then most of us have the ability to do. I don't think there is any "correct" way to do that. It's correct as long as they and their family and friends are happy with it. My apologies to those who felt my response sucked or was incorrect but its a matter of opinion and we all have one...
Posted by trawas01[/QUOTE]

There is a way to do it within the bounds of proper etiquette and since we are on the etiquette board that is the advice we give. She can have a vow renewal the way PP stated before you told her to do whatever she wanted.

And it's not HER day, it's a couple's day.

pantherRN · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_real-wedding-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ad5a5d0c-eb1a-45ae-a0f6-8420cf088428Post:c701fd4b-b932-4292-8a3a-d6cde056099f">Re: Help!! Real Wedding question</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Help!! Real Wedding question : Your marriage certificate legally binds you to each other. You ceremony, your wedding reception, those are all just a symbolic way of showing.
Posted by trawas01[/QUOTE]

There are religious implications as well, which is what the ceremony is. Vows are not just for show.

trawas01 · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_real-wedding-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ad5a5d0c-eb1a-45ae-a0f6-8420cf088428Post:dd35ad55-0112-49e4-a785-741960f6b526">Re: Help!! Real Wedding question</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Help!! Real Wedding question : There are religious implications as well, which is what the ceremony is. Vows are not just for show.
Posted by pantherRN[/QUOTE]

Assuming your ceremony is a religious one. Not all ceremonies are religious. And by no means did I say vows are just for show but saying your vows a year after the marriage certificate shouldn't change the meaning behind them or change the fact that you'd like to say them with your family present.

waltzingmatilda13 · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_real-wedding-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ad5a5d0c-eb1a-45ae-a0f6-8420cf088428Post:c07ec7b9-ffd5-46f6-a995-85e25d5a665e">Re: Help!! Real Wedding question</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Help!! Real Wedding question : Assuming your ceremony is a religious one. Not all ceremonies are religious.
Posted by trawas01[/QUOTE]

I didn't have a religious ceremony and I still think my marriage is more than symbolic.

redheadfsu · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_real-wedding-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:ad5a5d0c-eb1a-45ae-a0f6-8420cf088428Post:3ac87659-f48a-46c6-9156-eb61663340da">Re: Help!! Real Wedding question</a>:
[QUOTE]How refreshing your response is and thank you for it! I was really starting to feel like I was in a rainstorm of negativity! I agree with you, if people are going to judge, then maybe they shouldn't be around in the first place:) Thank you again!! Your positive response really made my day!
Posted by MissBuzzy[/QUOTE]

The problem is you are married. You chose to get married for your child. You can not have it both ways. You are married (you had a courthouse wedding). To pretend you are not married defeats the propose of why you got married in the first place (your child). Plus it can be insulting, you are saying courthouse weddings are not real. We are not being negative, we are just telling you that you already had a wedding & can't pretend it didn't happen.

So renew your vows. No one says you can't have a vow renewal, but don't act like you are not married.

slwager · May 2011

In keeping with Etiquette but perhaps more in line with what the OP wants...

Could she simply call it a "celebration of our marriage" rather than a vow renewal on the invites?

I agree that showers/bach party etc would be tacky but I see no problem with a ceremony as long as you aren't trying to pretend taht it legally validates the marriage. Have a short, simple ceremony w/o any "do you take...". Perhaps a "do you re-commit" and have a lovely party.

trawas01 · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_real-wedding-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ad5a5d0c-eb1a-45ae-a0f6-8420cf088428Post:234c4ded-489f-4782-9098-de12d98d6e50">Re: Help!! Real Wedding question</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Help!! Real Wedding question : What the hell does that matter? Ours wasn't religious. It took place on a golf course. Crap, I must not be married then. Oh no, wait, I do have that marriage certificate. The point is, when you're invited to a wedding, you are being invited to witness vows spoken between a couple that is not yet married. When you are invited to a vow renewal, you are witnessing the re-affirmation of said vows. Two different things.
Posted by jcbsjr[/QUOTE]

Just to clarify, my response in saying not all are religious was that a PP had mentioned that there are religious implications to be considered with a ceremony. I just said not all of them are and thus if you have a non religious ceremony there aren't any religious implications to be concerned about.

Frankly, my own ceremony won't be religious so I certainly didn't mean to imply it negates your ceremony any.

hlq2011 · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_real-wedding-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ad5a5d0c-eb1a-45ae-a0f6-8420cf088428Post:c701fd4b-b932-4292-8a3a-d6cde056099f">Re: Help!! Real Wedding question</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Help!! Real Wedding question : Your marriage certificate legally binds you to each other. You ceremony, your wedding reception, those are all just a symbolic way of showing.
Posted by trawas01[/QUOTE]

No, it's not just the marriage certificate that legally binds you. Yeah, certain things about the ceremony are all pomp and cirumstance, but the declaration of consent - part of the ceremony - and the vows are part of what makes it legally binding. Not to mention the authority vested in the officiant to conduct the ceremony in the first place.

A courthouse wedding is still a wedding. My mom's second wedding was in the JOP's living room, but it was still a wedding.

No one was mean, or negative. People were just very clear about the etiquette involved in the OPs situation. If you don't know the etiquette, don't post on the etiquette board. I've learned a lot, but if there are etiquette questions I don't know the answer to, I keep my damn mouth shut.

pantherRN · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_real-wedding-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ad5a5d0c-eb1a-45ae-a0f6-8420cf088428Post:c07ec7b9-ffd5-46f6-a995-85e25d5a665e">Re: Help!! Real Wedding question</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Help!! Real Wedding question : Assuming your ceremony is a religious one. Not all ceremonies are religious. And by no means did I say vows are just for show but saying your vows a year after the marriage certificate shouldn't change the meaning behind them or change the fact that you'd like to say them with your family present.
Posted by trawas01[/QUOTE]

You do realize that there are vows involved in a non-religous ceremony as well? And there are vows at a courthouse wedding.

They had a courthouse wedding, they have already said their vows.

[Deleted User] · May 2011

OP - I can't believe you. You definitely can't have your cake and eat it, too. Regardless of what you chose to do or believe is correct, the ladies that have told you it is called a vow renewal are correct. If I was one of your family members or friends and I knew you were already married, I would not attend your ceremony should you call it a wedding and not a vow renewal. Like the others have said, you can't get married again unless you get divorced first.

To give you a real life example, my Uncle's step daughter recently did this. Her H went in the military and they had a quickie get a preacher wedding. Then they had their big PPD day a few weeks ago. Although my H and I live out of state and couldn't make it home for the vow renewal, I wouldn't have gone anyway. I didn't agree with the whole idea. She made her bed, and she refused to lie in it just b/c the BM's had their dresses, etc. They even arrived at the reception on a horse and buggy. But they WERE ALREADY MARRIED. Not to mention the fact that it was a huge waste of money.

hlq2011 · May 2011

Honestly, I don't think the argument about vow renewals wasting money holds much water. You could say the same about most weddings, I would think.

[Deleted User] · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_real-wedding-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:ad5a5d0c-eb1a-45ae-a0f6-8420cf088428Post:448e55ce-72d7-4d67-942c-3fa411350acf">Re: Help!! Real Wedding question</a>:
[QUOTE]Honestly, I don't think the argument about vow renewals wasting money holds much water. You could say the same about most weddings, I would think.
Posted by hlq2011[/QUOTE]

I agree. But in my post above, the point I am trying to make is that if you want a PPD, then have it instead of getting legally married first and deceiving all of your family and friends into something that is not what it really is.

redheadfsu · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_real-wedding-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:ad5a5d0c-eb1a-45ae-a0f6-8420cf088428Post:35deec92-541a-4e21-b70b-412788adefd6">Re: Help!! Real Wedding question</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Help!! Real Wedding question : You do realize that there are vows involved in a non-religous ceremony as well? And there are vows at a courthouse wedding. They had a courthouse wedding, they have already said their vows.
Posted by pantherRN[/QUOTE]

Good point.

Yep. Every wedding has the marriage license (papers) & then vows (the actual consent to be married from this moment on). That is legally required in all weddings (including JOP/courthouse)

Beachy730 · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_real-wedding-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ad5a5d0c-eb1a-45ae-a0f6-8420cf088428Post:c07ec7b9-ffd5-46f6-a995-85e25d5a665e">Re: Help!! Real Wedding question</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Help!! Real Wedding question : Assuming your ceremony is a religious one. Not all ceremonies are religious. And by no means did I say vows are just for show but saying your vows a year after the marriage certificate shouldn't change the meaning behind them or change the fact that you'd like to say them with your family present.
Posted by trawas01[/QUOTE]

<div>So then by your thinking, it should be perfectly acceptable for H and I to renew our vows every year on our anniversary, have a biig ceremony and reception, WP, cake cutting, first dance, and all the frills. Plus showers and parties everytime, and people bringing us gifts every year? </div><div>
</div><div>Not one poster said she couldn't have her party that she wanted. But the fact is that they are already married, so carrying on like it's a traditional wedding is not proper etiquette. Have the party, but acknowledge it for what it is, which is a vow renewal. </div><div>
</div><div>IMO, I think the wording "a celebration of their marriage" is confusing, and not everyone would understand that they are already married. Why are you so against calling it a vow renewal, when that is exactly what it is? </div>

pantherRN · May 2011

OP-I'm going to echo what cfas just said. Have a vow renewal ceremony, you can have your dress and your family and friends can be there. Afterwards, organize a sweet party, with awesome food, alcohol, and great company. Just don't call it a wedding.

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