Big mistake

Zillian · January 2011

Hi all,

Just thought I would share the one thing I really regretted not doing. When we sent out our invitations and RSVP cards, we put the same RSVP card in every invite, instead of customizing them. Now I am anticipating way more people than I expected, because our guests had the option to invite more than one additional guest. I guess I assumed most people would just bring one guest, since that is polite, but now we are having guests who are bringing up to FOUR additional guests or their entire family. I'm upset, but I fault myself for not customizing each invite, so that only family would have the option to bring more than one guest. Now there are going to be loads of random kids and people I don't know. Don't make my same mistake!

sculli · January 2011

I know that feeling. For a family wedding, it was on the military base here in NM so they put 4 lines, one for each person invited, or more in cases of more people, then my uncle kindly decided to invite himself, all his teenage children and dates for all of them, a guest list that was suppose to be for 5 turned out to be for 10. What's worse, they didn't even show.

I'll let you know how the customized RSVP cards work. This is what we did. Fingers crossed!

Hope everything works out for you. Stay positive!

LaWebz · January 2011

That's horrific. I thought proper etiquette was that only the people the envelope is addressed to are invited.

If I were you (and if this happens with our invites!) I would call the offending parties and say, "We're sorry for the miscommunication, but the invites are only for you and one guest. Because of our space and budget constraints, we simply can't include more than that. Thanks for understanding." These guests are being beyond rude, and it's well within your rights to politely tell them that that's not acceptable.

Zillian · January 2011

I'm trying to remind myself that all the people that RSVP may not come, including the additional guests, but I hated that I put myself in that boat anyways. I wanted to allow my very close family and friends to bring their significant others or little ones, but I didn't wan to extend that convenience out to all of our guests. This lady from my fiancée's work is bringing her two little ones who are tyrants, so is another one, who has three kids who all have attitudes. I wouldn't mind if it were family, but when it is guests who I am not close with, it bothers me. I'm afraid to tell my fiancée to tell his co workers it would be best to find a sitter that day and I feel like I should have thought of this before I even mailed out everything! UGH, the things that occur while planning your big day..

Beazilla · January 2011

I guess I'm confused as to how this happened. Did you put "and family" or "and guest" on the envelopes? If you didn't do either of those, I'd call people up and apologize but that the invitation is just for the people whose names are on the envelope.

devinjamez · January 2011

I agree with PP. I addressed my inner envelopes to the people who were invited;
example: Mr. and Mrs. John Doe

Well, to put it lightly, not everyone get's simple etiquette. I had a similar problem with a co-worker that I literally just dealt with about an hour ago. He received an invite addressed to him and his wife and he RSVP'd for four! Not only are we not inviting children (anyone under 18) to our wedding, his children, whom he planned on bringing, are all over the age of 21 and we've never met them! The audacity of some people! It's like he is treating this as a way to get a nice family night out on our bill. To rectify the situation, I just told him that because we invited so many people, in order to keep the wedding as intimate as possible, we would only be able to accommodate people we know personally. He took it well, but it still baffles me that he thought it would be ok to invite people to my wedding!

OP, if indeed you addressed the envelopes to specific people, then those people should not be entitled to just invite other guests. You should have no guilt in calling them and explaining the situation. However if you addressed the invites to a family and didin't specify, then you might have to just drop it and eat the extra invites. Good luck miss!

Zillian · February 2011

The RSVP cards looked like this beazilla-

We will be glad to have your presence in our joyous moments..

Please respond on or before February 19th, 2011

I/ We cannot attend___

I/ We will attend__

Number of guests___

Names: _________________

_______________________

So now I feel silly and stressed for not customizing them to only say "You, plus one guest," especially for co workers and extended family. I didn't realize people we're going to bring their sisters, kids, friends.. etc etc

Thanks everyone for your input. If it were completely up to me, I would go ahead and call and tell them not to bring EVERYONE, but my fiancée thinks it's rude and we should have thought about it before hand. oh well.

devinjamez · February 2011

Even though your RSVP cards aren't customized to state how many quests you are inviting doesn't mean that people can just invite anyone. The etiquette for RSVP's is that only the guests listed on the inner envelopes, or in the instance that you do not have inner envelopes, the guests the invitation is addressed to are the only ones invited to the wedding. Don't feel bad about sticking to this rule. I don't think there are a lot of brides who do customize their RSVP cards. In fact, you are not being rude. The guests who invite other people are rude.

You should totally post this on Etiquette. the girls there can be harsh at times, but they are usually spot on, and if you are in the right they will not eat you alive. And believe me, you did nothing wrong.

Beazilla · February 2011

Your RSVP cards are fine and completely standard. If you didn't put "and guest" on the envelope then you are totally in the right for calling them and telling them the invitation isn't extended to all their guests. "And guest" means 1 guest, not 3. You aren't being rude; your guests are being rude. Spouses, fiancés, long-term & live-in partners should all be invited with the original guest, but kids and friends don't fall under that.

You can say something like:

"I noticed you put down 6 people are attending. I'm sorry, but as you can see from the names on the envelope, the invitation is only for you and Jill. Unfortunately we don't have room to accommodate everyone that we would like to have at the wedding and just invited the people most important to us."

The etiquette girls will back you up on this and might be able to give you a better script for calling your wayward guests. If you did put "and guest" on the envelope you can even call your guests and ask them which person is the one person they're bringing because there's not room for them to bring more than that.

redhed831 · February 2011

I agree that etiquette is on your side, OP, but here in NM, we're not that big on etiquette. Now that I'm getting married, I have looked into etiquette and stuff--mainly because of this and other wedding sites--but it honestly never occurred to me before that this might be an issue. And honestly, it never has been... at least not where anyone said anything. I think it has a lot to do with our local culture: we have big families and a general "the more the merrier" attitude. Now that the internet has grown and we all use it for tips and advice, wedding etiquette has become more mainstream. So, while we see this as very rude, our older relatives might not see a problem, because it's something that has, until recently, been perfectly acceptable.

This being the case, you're going to get a few people who just think the thought of you limiting guests at your wedding (the horror!) is terrible...at least that's the experience I've had.

So if you decide to go the route of letting them know that they can't bring sister/brother/cousin/neighbor's niece from out of town, be prepared for the polite, "Oh ok, sorry about that," response, or for them to huff and puff and not bother to come at all. Sad but true.

Good luck and Best Wishes!!!!!!

Zillian · February 2011

Redhead, you're dead on with the New Mexico attitude. My fiancée had that same attitude, as well! I grew up in the northwest where proper etiquette and manners are everything! When I brought him home to meet my family he was shocked and slightly freaked out at how polite people were in other parts of the country. When I first moved here and don't get me wrong, I like it here, I was shocked at how different the etiquette and respect factor differed here, so of course the same goes for wedding etiquette.

The families here are a lot bigger and where one family member goes, they all go. I really have been urging him to tell some of his friends/ co workers/ very extended family not to bring all these additional guests, but he constantly reminds me how rude that is, when I don't find it rude at all. I guess when two people come from two very different parts of the US we're going to clash on what is proper etiquette and what isn't.

Thanks everyone!

Beazilla · February 2011

I'm glad you and your FH are on the same page now. It's not rude at all. I grew up in NM and wouldn't attend someone's wedding that I wasn't actually invited to. 90% of our guests are also from NM and I'm not anticipating this problem at all. But we're also having a small wedding and our guests all know it's pretty exclusive, so that helps.

I think you ladies are right that it's mostly older folks who would do this. I think they remember when everyone knew pretty much everyone in their community and things were open to everyone, rather than limited to people who know or are close to the couple.

Good luck to everyone!

TamMar03 · March 2011

I am having a very intimate wedding as well and want only special family members and very close friends in attendance. I had the same dilemma and it took a long time to think it through as to how to order our RSVP cards. They read like this:

We have reserved ______ seats in your honor.
Name (s)________________________________

___ Accepts with pleaseure
___ Declines with regret
___ # attending reception

We are filling in the number of guests that we have reserved for and that should tell them clearly that they are not to invite any additional guests. Hope this helps! Good Luck....

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