Wedding Party

My FIs big family! Ideas!?

My FI is one of seven, with five sisters and one little brother. I've only got one brother and one sister, and my FI has said that he wants my brother to be a GM, but there's no way I could have all five of his sisters as BMs. I'd have no room for any of my friends or family! My bridal party will consist of my sister, SIL, and four closest friends. We've talked about this and have decided to try and include his siblings in the wedding in a different way, but trying to fit them all in is tricky! His little brother will be walking his mother down the aisle, and I'd like to have one or two sisters do readings during the ceremony, but I also don't want to leave my family entirely out of the ceremony for the sake of trying to fit his in! Help!

Re: My FIs big family! Ideas!?

  • How are you leaving your family "entirely out of the ceremony" at the expense of his if ALL of your siblings are in the WP but his aren't?  The wedding isn't all about you, honey.  Your FI is half the package, and if he wants his siblings in the wedding, they get to be in the wedding.

    His siblings can all stand on his side if you don't want them on yours (yes, uneven sides and mixed-gender sides are PERFECTLY fine--DH and I had uneven sides and somehow survived intact).  Or they can do readings.  Or whatever.  But stop looking at this as a "me vs. him" situation.  His wants and needs in this wedding are just as valid and important as yours.
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  • Just because he is having one of your siblings does not mean that you have to include his. You could always have a few of them do a reading together. Or have some of them light a candle for you....Please do not make one of them be a guest book attendant or a program hander-outer. If you MUST include them, have them just walk down the aisle with corsages and sit in the front row. Being a guest in itself is an honor.
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  • And egads, your wedding isn't until 2013?  How about you put the WP on the back burner until 2012?
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  • Ditto what Brooke said. You shouldn't be dealing with WP until 2012 at least. Even if they're family, just drop it for now.
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  • edited May 2010

    I think you misunderstood my post... I'm not at all looking at this as a "Me vs. Him" situation. It's quite the opposite in fact. We are both very close with eachothers families and have been trying to work out a way to include all of the "important people" from each side in the ceremony. Family is very important to us, and we don't want our wedding to be full people from one side with no one from the other. My attitude is not at all that this wedding is "all about me," if it was I certainly wouldn't be asking for help with including family members. I wouldn't care who was included. As it is, we adore our families and want all of our siblings to take part in our ceremony in some way. Notice that I'm saying WE, not I. We've talked about having his sisters stand for him with his GM, but he doesn't like that idea.

    And as for the wedding being a long way off, I understand that completely, but the number of siblings he has isn't going to change in the next few years!  I know we've got a long time to plan, and obviously nothing is set in stone, but these are just things I was looking for input on.  Thanks for the advice, and I'm sorry if some of you misunderstood what I was trying to get across!

  • But the point is that you shouldn't even be thinking about WP right now, even if it is just family.  Yes, they'll always be family, but in three years, they're going to be family who are very bored of hearing about your wedding.

    If they start asking about it, just say, "Oh, we'll figure it out when it gets much closer to the wedding, we haven't even started talking about it."
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  • We're not openly planning anything, or even discussing the wedding with family. There are no serious plans, we're just talking about family because we know we've got a VERY large combined family (inviting family alone, we'd be over 150 guest, without including friends.) so we're just tossing ideas around about limiting the size (and stress load) of our (very distant!) wedding.
  • AutumnFairAutumnFair member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited May 2010
    I agree with the other ladies, drop this issue for a couple of years. Who knows, you might grow close to his sisters that you actually may want them as BMs. Relationships can change very quickly, so save yourself the headache of trying to over think the issue on how to include family until you really get know his siblings. You might find yourself one day thinking of a certain sibling and something might pop in your head in how to include them. Basically the main things that people can do are be in the WP, usher (girls also can be ushers), be a reader, be a singer/musician, or light the candles. Also there is nothing wrong with being a guest, his siblings have to understand that not everyone can be included and if siblings don't get an automatic pass in the WP specially if relationships aren't as close as others. If he doesn't want his sisters are his side then so be it, he gets to choose his side and you get choose yours. Once again drop this issue from both you and your FI minds for a couple of years, once you get 6-8 months out of your wedding then come back to it and make a decision.
  • megk8ozmegk8oz member
    First Comment
    Another thing about waiting to worry about your BP: you might change your mind about the friends you've already chosen to include.

    I'm not saying you're going to, but tons of girls post here saying "Waaa, I asked my college roomate 2 years before the wedding, now we're 6 months out and I hate her guts! Can I kick her out?". Once you ask, there are "no backsies". So please, just wait until you're closer to worry about who you're asking and how you're planning to handle it.

    Who knows, between now and then, your FI might change his mind and be totally cool with his sisters being GMs. That's the beautiful thing about waiting until you're closer: sometimes things that seem like a potential mess now, just work themselves out.

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  • I hear you on the big families: My DH and I had 140 people at our wedding and 120 of them were family. So I get where you're coming from.  But seriously, wait.  If you plan wedding stuff now, you won't have anything to look forward to.  Your siblings will be sick of hearing about it.  And you may find that the relationships change for better or worse between then and now.  Why paint yourselves into a corner now so far away from the wedding?  ANYTHING can change in three years.  Three years before our wedding, DH and I hadn't even met yet.  If I could meet, fall in love, and marry someone in that amount of time, you can certainly have more than a few changes of heart about your wedding.  

    I also assume you guys are young (that's typically why people have three-year-long engagements yet want to start planning things right away).  You may find your priorities changing.  You may not even want a big wedding anymore in three years.  Just cool your jets on wedding stuff for the next two years, then once you hit the year mark, start getting everyone involved.  But this is waaaaay too soon.  
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  • mbcdefgmbcdefg member
    5 Love Its First Comment Combo Breaker
    If he wants his siblings in the wedding, then they can all stand up on his side as HIS attendants. His brother can wear a tux/suit, and his sisters can wear black dresses (either a black version of your bridesmaids' dresses, or black dresses of their choice).

    Problem solved. His sisters shouldn't be automatically disqualified from the wedding party just because you don't want them to be bridesmaids (and I understand where you're coming from in not wanting a ton of bridesmaids), and I agree with those who said it'd be very unfair for your brother and sister to be in the wedding party but his siblings are excluded just because there happens to be a lot of them.

    But if your FI doesn't want them in the wedding party, THEN you can figure out readings and stuff. Or bringing up Communion in a Catholic wedding. Or singing/playing instruments if they're talented.

    Really, though, I think that each of you having your own siblings as your own attendants, plus any friends you might want, is the best solution. Your sides need not be even or split up by sex. You would absolutely not be the first or last couple to have an uneven/mixed-gender wedding party.
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  • Who has an engagement that long!  are you sure you want to be married?
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_fis-big-family-ideas?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:70bbb87a-62fb-463e-8ff3-8efb1e304e64Post:f84e8df8-867a-4c0d-ad46-b10457374c75">Re: My FIs big family! Ideas!?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Who has an engagement that long!  are you sure you want to be married?
    Posted by drjewell[/QUOTE]

    Plenty of people have engagements that long or longer. Sometimes people have goals they would like to fulfill before marriage (graduation, employment, financial security, etc.). There are plenty of reasons to wait.

    I've had a long engagement. I got engaged in 2008, weeks after I graduated college. I wanted to establish myself before being married to my fiance, who was also working to establish himself. It has been fantastic and the exactly right move for our relationship. If we had gotten married shortly after we got engaged we wouldn't have had anything - no home, no gainful employment, no plan. The length of our engagement had and continues to have no bearing on my or my fiance's desire to be married and it is insulting that you would think simply because someone has a long engagement they do not want to get married.

    I think this comment is extremely short-sighted and somewhat judgemental. Not everyone is in a situation to get married right away. Sorry for the rant, but that comment is just ridiculous.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_fis-big-family-ideas?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:70bbb87a-62fb-463e-8ff3-8efb1e304e64Post:f84e8df8-867a-4c0d-ad46-b10457374c75">Re: My FIs big family! Ideas!?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Who has an engagement that long!  are you sure you want to be married?
    Posted by drjewell[/QUOTE]

    <div>Who the hell are you?! </div><div>
    </div><div>Wow, that was totally rude, drj. Plenty of people have long engagements for different reasons.</div>
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  • Yes they do and I don't have to agree with it just like you don't have to agree with me, Who the hell are you?  And people on here say rude things all the time including you I have read plenty of comments.  To hell with you!  I can say what I want to as you just did.  If you don't like it so what, I'm not here to please you or anyone else. Real long engagements are stupid, you might not even be with that guy just like people said she might not have the same friends, men come and go just like friends.

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_fis-big-family-ideas?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:70bbb87a-62fb-463e-8ff3-8efb1e304e64Post:f84e8df8-867a-4c0d-ad46-b10457374c75">Re: My FIs big family! Ideas!?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Who has an engagement that long!  are you sure you want to be married?
    Posted by drjewell[/QUOTE]
    Umm, it's actually quite common these days to have a long engagement, as many couples are putting off the wedding until they can better afford it.  Our engagement was two years long because DH wanted to give me a ring before I went back to school to finish my final year, but we didn't want to start the serious planning until after graduation. 

    You seem to make a lot of fairly small-minded comments, drjewell.
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    Sometimes I feel like people think that brides are delicate little flower princesses who get all dressed up and pretty for one special moment of their dreams, when really they're just normal people who just happen to be getting married. Things shouldn't have to be sugar-coated for grown-ass women. -mstar284
  • Drjewell are you sure that you want to be married? I checked your profile and your wedding isn't until August 2011. That's a pretty long engagement.

    In other words, judging people on the length of their engagements is ridiculous and hypocritical when you yourself have a lengthy engagement. I will restate my central point: Engagement length has no bearing on one's desire to be married. You simply don't know their circumstances, so pretending to, by way of claiming that they possibly do not want to get married due to their engagement length, is oafish at best.

    Also, I tend to believe that anyone who thinks "men come and go" in life possibly does not understand the lifelong commitment central to marriage. It is patently ridiculous to claim that someone should not be engaged for a long time because she may not want to be with that guy in a few years. Engagements lead to marriage, which is a lifelong commitment. If someone finds that in two years they no longer want to be with someone and break off an engagement, fine, but a long engagement is certainly not a tool to figure that out.

    I stand by my original statement. I find your assessment of long engagements to be ridiculous.
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  • I've never, ever seen Stina (or anyone else on this board) tell someone to go to hell.
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  • AutumnFairAutumnFair member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited June 2010
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_fis-big-family-ideas?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:70bbb87a-62fb-463e-8ff3-8efb1e304e64Post:c8f2d41b-223e-46db-bc61-0481b20c182b">Re: My FIs big family! Ideas!?</a>:
    [QUOTE] Real long engagements are stupid, you might not even be with that guy just like people said she might not have the same friends, men come and go just like friends.
    Posted by drjewell[/QUOTE]
    I think planning ahead is a good and sometimes the only thing you can do. In today's world and economy responsible people understand that they need to be stable financially before jumping into marriage for some people they are still in college or in graduate school, some people are just getting their first career job. Stability is key when starting a marriage and its something that people need to realize when getting married, so it might take 2-3 years to do that. Most couples pay for their wedding and sometimes if a family is large or if they want a big party they have to save for it awhile. <div>
    </div><div>There are many reasons for having long engagements, my cousin had to wait 2 years because at the time her FI was going to sent overseas for 15 months so it was either a fast 6 months of planning a small wedding or wait until he came back and have a large wedding planned out. She chose to wait. You are more than welcome to your opinion, but you bashed the OPing about having a long engagement and you really should have contained yourself with that comment.</div>
  • haha, I totally said WHAT the hell and you told me to GO to hell. Nice, you look real nice there, lady.

    I don't like long engagements, but I understand why people do them. Money, age, not the right time. I am no person to judge someone's financial/personal reasons for waiting.
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  • When I got engaged, I honestly had no idea how long of an engagement I was going to have (It wound up being almost 2 years). It was basically due to financial reasons, and waiting totally sucked, but we had to do what we had to do. But it never once occured to me that if we had to wait 6 months or 6 years that DH wasn't The One.

    And might I remind you that lots of people date for more than 3 years before getting engaged/married that manage to have long, successful marriages after the fact. Having a 3 years engagement does not spell D-O-O-M on a couple.

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  • Oh yeah, my long engagement just happened. We originally planned for slightly over a year-long engagement, but we put it off for FI's brother in law and best man who would be overseas at the time. It'll be slightly under 2 by the time we get married this summer. Oh well, we're planning on being together anyways, we dealt with it. We still want to get married. There is a multitude of reasons why an engagement is long or short.
    Especially with how much you're "supposed" to spend on a wedding these days, I can understand why the financial thing is a huge factor more often than not.

    OP, I do agree not to stress it now since it's a while away, That's way too long to be sweating details and that can't be good for your stress level.
    But have who you want, and let him know to have who he wants. Being a sibling doesn't equal being a shoe-in for a wedding.
    Two of my BM's can't make it to my wedding which is fine, and my MIL was all "you can have your SIL's be on your side!" but I had decided long ago that if anyone's sibling was gonna me on my side, it was going to be MY brother- so he's my best man, or whatever it's called on the brides side. I wouldn't have it any other way.
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  • OP, DH has 8 siblings, 5 sisters and 3 brothers. He had all of his brothers as GM, I had two of his sisters as BM. I think his other sisters understood. SIL also only had one of DH/BIL's sisters as a BM.
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  • edited June 2010
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_fis-big-family-ideas?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:70bbb87a-62fb-463e-8ff3-8efb1e304e64Post:c8f2d41b-223e-46db-bc61-0481b20c182b">Re: My FIs big family! Ideas!?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Yes they do and I don't have to agree with it just like you don't have to agree with me, Who the hell are you?  And people on here say rude things all the time including you I have read plenty of comments.  To hell with you!  I can say what I want to as you just did.  If you don't like it so what, I'm not here to please you or anyone else. Real long engagements are stupid, you might not even be with that guy just like people said she might not have the same friends, men come and go just like friends.
    Posted by drjewell[/QUOTE]

    No, people don't have to agree with you, but it goes both ways.  You're entitled to your opinion, but it doesn't make your opinion any less ignorant just because it was typed from your fingers.

    People have long engagements for different reasons.  My FI and I will have been engaged for almost two years total when we get married next May, mainly because we both want to finish school.  Realistically, it's harder to finish school when you are starting a family, and we want to be in a more stable place.  But that doesn't mean we are going to change our minds.  People have various considerations when they decide to tie the knot, and not every case is the same.

    And your comment about men come and go just like friends...true enough, BUT...we're not talking about a run-of-the-mill dating relationship, we're talking about commitment to marriage, which *hopefully* is for<strong> life</strong>.  If your commitment to your FI is that fickle that you're likely to break up with him if you wait for two or three years instead of hurrying up and marrying in a few months, you don't need to be getting married in the first place.  If he's the right guy, he will be the right guy no matter how long you wait.
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