Snarky Brides

An interesting Dear Prudence

This was on last week, I guess: 

Dear Prudence,
For the past two years my husband Harry and I have struggled with infertility. As a teen I dealt with an STD that could have affected my ability to have children. For that reason, and because Harry said his sperm count was fine, I have always blamed myself for our inability to conceive. We've kept our struggle with infertility very quiet. Thankfully, our families have never pressed us about when we're going to have kids. Last week I broke down to my wonderful mother-in-law about how difficult this experience has been. She frowned at me then said, “Harry reversed his vasectomy, then?” I was shocked, because Harry never mentioned having a vasectomy to me, but apparently he had one as a young man. When I spoke to Harry he admitted that he hasn't reversed the vasectomy and that he wasn't sure he wanted kids. He thought if we tried for long enough and never conceived I'd eventually give up trying. He's apologetic, because he never realized how much I blamed myself for our infertility. He has offered to have his vasectomy reversed or to adopt a child to make his lie up to me. My best friend thinks Harry's a sociopath, though, and that I should divorce him for being incredibly cruel. I'm in shock, devastated, have no idea what to do.


Her advice:
I just looked up "sociopath" and here's the definition: "(Noun)—A man who allows his wife to despair that she's infertile when he's secretly had a vasectomy. (Synonym)—Harry."

Thank goodness you spilled to your mother-in-law and she spilled that Harry can never spill his seed. What you should do is run to the best matrimonial lawyer in town. Make an appointment today. You are only two years into this sham marriage and if you end it, perhaps can find someone who is not a pathological liar and manipulator with whom you can have children. The fact that a single man would get a vasectomy, then marry a woman who wanted to have children and let her believe there was something wrong with her makes the hair on the back of my neck stand up. I don't see how you can share another meal or your bed with this monstrous person. Get out now.




I feel like that advice is super harsh and it's unfair of her to tell this woman to divorce her husband.  What do you think of Prudie's advice?  Would you divorce your H if he did that to you?

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Re: An interesting Dear Prudence

  • I've expressed not believing in divorce for myself before so for me I would not divorce but there would be serious trust issues for quite some time. That is a diick move.
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  • I'm curious as to why you think it's unfair and harsh?

    I agree with her on this one. He let his wife assume that their infertility issues were her fault for TWO YEARS. He lied to her every single day for 2 years not to mention never telling her before that. He is an asshole. If my husband ever did to me, I would 99% guarantee there would be no way to move past that.
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    japrincess24
  • In Response to Re: An interesting Dear Prudence:
    I'm curious as to why you think it's unfair and harsh? I agree with her on this one. He let his wife assume that their infertility issues were her fault for TWO YEARS. He lied to her every single day for 2 years not to mention never telling her before that. He is an asshole. If my husband ever did to me, I would 99% guarantee there would be no way to move past that.
    Posted by LetsHikeToday
    I don't usually post, but this exactly. I actually gasped when I read what her husband did. That's a total deal breaker for me. You LIE to me for 2 years and think that's ok? I couldn't get past that. Especially with something as sensitive as this. That's such a diick move that I can't even imagine it. 

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    japrincess24
  • That's pretty much unforgivable if you ask me so I don't think her advice was all that harsh.  This part really kills me "He thought if we tried for long enough and never conceived I'd eventually give up trying.".  The dude could not be a bigger pvssy. 

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    japrincess24
  • Um, hell yes I would divorce his lying ass. 

    What a scum.
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    japrincess24
  • Immediately rushing into divorce may not be the most sound advice, but I do think the husband is a pretty selfish, dishonest dude.

    I would wonder what else he was keeping from me.

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  • In Response to Re: An interesting Dear Prudence:
    Hi geeg! <3
    Posted by LetsHikeToday
    Hi Hike! I miss you! 
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  • Oh I agree I think he's a complete douchebag and I wouldn't ever sideye her divorcing him.  It's a huge breach of trust.  I just think it's crappy of someone to urge another person to get a divorce, regardless of the situation.
  • In Response to Re:An interesting Dear Prudence:
    I've expressed not believing in divorce for myself before so for me I would not divorce but there would be serious trust issues for quite some time. That is a diick move.
    Posted by brandichamberlain
    I'm also curious about you not believing in divorce. Would you never ever get a divorce?
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  • In Response to Re: An interesting Dear Prudence:
    Oh I agree I think he's a complete douchebag and I wouldn't ever sideye her divorcing him.  It's a huge breach of trust.  I just think it's crappy of someone to urge another person to get a divorce, regardless of the situation.
    Posted by chelseamb11
    What would you advice be? Counseling? What situation do you think divorce advice should be given?
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  • I think Prudence is spot on. I assume that the two of them had discussed wanting to have chidren before getting married, and it's inexcusable that he was dishonest with her about his vasectomy. It's also absurd that he went along with the TTC sham knowing full well it was impossible. That says more about his character than anything else. I'd also be rid of him. Chels, I'd like to hear more about why you think her advice was harsh. P and R for now, will be back between clients.
    japrincess24
  • NebbNebb
    10000 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
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    Im sorry but chels/bradi, are you effing kidding me? Thats just naive to a T.
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    japrincess24
  • In Response to Re: An interesting Dear Prudence:
    Oh I agree I think he's a complete douchebag and I wouldn't ever sideye her divorcing him.  It's a huge breach of trust.  I just think it's crappy of someone to urge another person to get a divorce, regardless of the situation.
    Posted by chelseamb11
     I would encourage the same thing. It's such a sneaky, underhanded, despicable thing. If a friend came to me and told me the same thing, I would tell her what I would do, which is get a divorce as quick as possible. He entered into your vows of marriage lying.
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    japrincess24
  • I completely agree with Prudence.  He lied their entire relationship, and let her believe they were struggling with infertility when really he was just too much of a pvssy to tell her he didn't want kids.  She should have the right to decide for herself if she still wants to marry him if she wants kids and he doesn't.  That's not a topic you can compromise on, but instead he lied to her. That level of betrayal is incomprehensible and unforgivable.
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    japrincess24
  • In Response to Re: An interesting Dear Prudence:
    Oh I agree I think he's a complete douchebag and I wouldn't ever sideye her divorcing him.  It's a huge breach of trust.  I just think it's crappy of someone to urge another person to get a divorce, regardless of the situation.
    Posted by chelseamb11
    Really?  So if he's beating her, living a double life dealing in kiddie porn or constantly cheating and getting all kinds of STDs to bring home to her, you don't think suggesting divorce is appropriate?  I think that's terribly naive.
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    japrincess24
  • Oh, yuck. I think the advice was spot on - I couldn't imagine advocating the continuation of a marriage where the husband would treat his wife like that.
    japrincess24
  • What a piece of sh!t. That is beyond fuckedup. She gave the right advice. That's a HUGE thing to lie about. HUGE.
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    japrincess24
  • I really don't think she is off or harsh at all. He might not be a sociopath but hes a damn shitty person for doing this. She is much better off without him, with someone who will not LIE to her about something so unbelievably important. 
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  • In Response to Re:An interesting Dear Prudence:
    In Response to Re:An interesting Dear Prudence:I've expressed not believing in divorce for myself before so for me I would not divorce but there would be serious trust issues for quite some time. That is a diick move.Posted by brandichamberlainI'm also curious about you not believing in divorce. Would you never ever get a divorce? Posted by LetsHikeToday
    I don't by any means judge others for divorce, but my FI and I are very adamant about it. I think we talked about this last week? But we are entering into a covenant marriage. Grounds for divorce would be adultery, abusive, or commission of a felony. We could separate for other reasons after two years of counseling. I don't doubt many would divorce for this and I'm not being naive, but its a personal and religious thing for me. Maybe that's unpopular, but I don't care.
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  • Damn TK, it says people have responded but I can't see most of the responses. 
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  • If it were me he'd be lucky to get off with just a divorce and not a castration. =)
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    japrincess24
  • WTF I was in another TK universe and posted. But this is what I said: 

    "I really don't think she is off or harsh at all. He might not be a sociopath but hes a damn shitty person for doing this. She is much better off without him, with someone who will not LIE to her about something so unbelievably important. "

    Yeah. He is fucking shitty.
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  • As a Catholic, I agree with the Church's teachings that marriage is for life, but that's only if the marriage were valid in the first place.  I'm willing to bet the Church would grant this couple an annulment seeing as how he lied to her about such a fundamental thing.  The guy's entire vow was probably a lie, so I see an annulment, and civil divorce, as probable.

    Also, just because I believe a valid marriage is for life doesn't mean it's not necessary sometimes ot get a civil divorce for your own protection/well-being.  You don't have to stay legally married to an abusive a**hole.

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    japrincess24
  • And I think when you write into an ADVICE column wanting to know what to do in a situation like this, being told to get a divorce is not at all unwarranted. I'm fairly certain most people I know who even are sticklers on the divorce issue would agree. This is just as bad as adultery. 
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  • In Response to Re:An interesting Dear Prudence:
    So if he's beating her, living a double life dealing in kiddie porn or constantly cheating and getting all kinds of STDs to bring home to her, you don't think suggesting divorce is appropriate?; I think that's terribly naive. Posted by Girlie1030
    This. I didnt go into my marriage expecting to get a divorce down the road, but if H ever did any of the above scenarios or lied to me while TTC like that, game over.
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  • In Response to Re: An interesting Dear Prudence:
    As a Catholic, I agree with the Church's teachings that marriage is for life, but that's only if the marriage were valid in the first place.  I'm willing to bet the Church would grant this couple an annulment seeing as how he lied to her about such a fundamental thing.  The guy's entire vow was probably a lie, so I see an annulment, and civil divorce, as probable. Also, just because I believe a valid marriage is for life doesn't mean it's not necessary sometimes ot get a civil divorce for your own protection/well-being.  You don't have to stay legally married to an abusive a**hole.
    Posted by monkeysip
    What exactly do you mean by civil divorce? Does that mean you're still marriage in the church's eyes?
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  • I agree some situations warrant divorce, I just would never feel comfortable telling someone "DIVORCE YOUR HUSBAND".  That choice has to be made by the person, not by me.  If someone is unsure of what they want to do, I would suggest counseling.  If they're being beaten, yeah I think it warrants divorce, but I would never feel comfortable actually saying "Yes you need to divorce him/her".  It needs to be their choice.  I'll do everything I can to keep them safe and give them the best advice I can, but if someone flat-out asked me if they should get a divorce, I'd tellt hem that is their decision, but I'd support them in whatever they do.

  • But they ASKED for advice. 
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  • In Response to Re: An interesting Dear Prudence:
    In Response to Re: An interesting Dear Prudence : What exactly do you mean by civil divorce? Does that mean you're still marriage in the church's eyes?
    Posted by LetsHikeToday
    Yep. If you are divorced civilly, as a Catholic, you couldn't get married again (in the church at least) unless you got it annulled.  it's hard to get it annulled.  If you were to marry in the Catholic Chruch, divorce, and then remarry elsewhere, the Church still considers you married tothe first person until you or they die.
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