Wedding Etiquette Forum

I can't believe I'm posting this- BM help

Please review earlier post- http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_need-some-advise-about-the-in-laws

Since this post, my in law situation has gone from bad to worse.  I basically received an email from FSIL and her parents together saying that even though I've never said anything directly to them, they know that every time FI has stood up to them it came from me.  They said that I've put him in the middle.  They said that we're being disrespectful, rude, and insulting by not inviting who they want, not having a full Hindu ceremony, and by not getting married in NY- all things that they wanted and all things that we have compromised with them on.  They said they would rather us cancel the wedding than have the wedding we are currently having.

FI called all of them and really laid down the law and said that if they aren't happy with anything, then we will take back all the compromises.  He's going to see them this weekend to sit them all in a room together and lay it down that if they can't back off and stop meddling in every aspect of our lives, they can no longer be in our lives.

Here's my dilemna... we wanted a small WP that would only consist of people that had always been in our lives and always would.  For FI that person was his sister. I have no siblings, but I have one friend who's been my friend since we were 3 years old.  That makes up our whole wedding party and we were very pleased with the simplicity and meaning of it.

I think FSIL is going to be so angry after FI's visit and lecture to her this weekend, that she may back out of being in our WP.  I know that it is rude to replace people in a WP and I want to make it clear that we have no intention of kicking FSIL out- she simply may back out on her own.  If she does so, can FI ask his friend to stand next to him or is this rude?

May 2013 February Siggy: Invitations

image

Wedding Countdown Ticker

«134

Re: I can't believe I'm posting this- BM help

  • I'm sorry that you are going through this.  No-one needs their wedding day to be so stressful.

    However, you cannot replace WP members without slighting the person who is replacing them.  It essentially tells them that they are second-rate, and only good enough in a pinch.  Not a very nice message.
    Don't make me mobilize OffensiveKitten

    image

    Anniversary

  • I think that if your FI wants his friend to be in the wedding party, it should be regardless of whatever your FSIL decides to do.  If he only asks his friend after FSIL chooses to back out, that could come off as B-listing his friend as a wedding party member.  You don't (and he shouldn't) want to do that.
  • I feel like you have so many more issues than worrying about who is going to be standing on fiance's side at your wedding.
  • Can he ask his friend now? Worst-case scenario he'll have 2 WP members.
     Daisypath Anniversary tickers
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_i-cant-believe-im-posting-this-bm-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8d8495b7-619b-4ca0-8c03-63e200b29c98Post:8ffd4b4a-6700-4d1c-a727-c79bc9d7fe4e">Re: I can't believe I'm posting this- BM help</a>:
    [QUOTE]<strong>Can he ask his friend now? Worst-case scenario he'll have 2 WP members.</strong>
    Posted by sydaries[/QUOTE]

    <div>This. Then either way he's not a replacement. </div><div>
    </div><div>I have to say, I really feel for you in this situation. Whatever you do, don't back down or else you're setting yourself up for a lifetime of this crap. How is your FI coping with all this drama? I'm sorry he and you are dealing with it. </div>
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_i-cant-believe-im-posting-this-bm-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8d8495b7-619b-4ca0-8c03-63e200b29c98Post:8ffd4b4a-6700-4d1c-a727-c79bc9d7fe4e">Re: I can't believe I'm posting this- BM help</a>:
    [QUOTE]Can he ask his friend now? Worst-case scenario he'll have 2 WP members.
    Posted by sydaries[/QUOTE]

    <div>True.  We've been seriously considering canceling the whole thing, but we've already put a lot of money in the wedding that we can't get back.  Talking about it last night, FI brought this situation up, which is the only reason I ask now- it's certainly nothing that was on my brain.  I don't think his friend is aware of our current WP, but I can ask FI about that.</div>

    May 2013 February Siggy: Invitations

    image

    Wedding Countdown Ticker

  • I mean, you're still 5 months out, so its not like it's super last minute for him to invite the friend. It's a little later than normal, but I'm sure its plenty of time for him to find something to wear.
     Daisypath Anniversary tickers
  • edited December 2012
    Sounds to me like this wedding is the least of your problems. The other thread indicated a lot of culture clashing that isn't going to be addressed by ignoring it or not including them.

    Weddings are HUGE in Indian culture. HUGE. I understand that they may not mean as much to your FI and you, but I honestly do see how his family is so upset. They offered to pay and you still shot them down, why? I don't see what the big deal is of them asking you to serve Indian food and/or vegetarian food at an Indian wedding. You seem to be sneering at your compromises and even lording it over their heads a bit.

    Seems like it would have been easier to let them pay and handle the things that are customary to their culture then to have this all out identity war instead. The only really issue you mentioned about doing it their way was that "there were too many strings attached." To me, that reads like you wanted to have your way just for the sake of having it.  What are you going to do about cultural issues in the future?

    Why do you want to die on this hill?
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_i-cant-believe-im-posting-this-bm-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8d8495b7-619b-4ca0-8c03-63e200b29c98Post:2b3adb41-b548-4e09-8064-6b112af2d402">Re: I can't believe I'm posting this- BM help</a>:
    [QUOTE]Sounds to me like this wedding is the least of your problems. The other thread indicated a lot of culture clashing that isn't going to be addressed by ignoring it or not including them. Weddings are HUGE in Indian culture. HUGE. I understand that they may not mean as much to your FI and you, but I honestly do see how his family is so upset. They offered to pay and you still shot them down, why? I don't see what the big deal is of them asking you to serve Indian food and/or vegetarian food at an Indian wedding. You seem to be sneering at your compromises and even lording it over their heads a bit. Seems like it would have been easier to let them pay and handle the things that are customary to their culture then to have this all out identity war instead. The only really issue you mentioned about doing it their way was that "there were too many strings attached." To me, that reads like you wanted to have your way just for the sake of having it.  What are you going to do about cultural issues in the future? Why do you want to die on this hill?
    Posted by thurmanpowell[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>I am not dying on a hill about a specific issue.  We are fighting this because they have no right to question our decisions as a couple.  The wedding is only one of many things that they have tried to control and will continue to try and control.  </div><div>
    </div><div>I have to say, you the only person that either my FI or I have spoken to about this matter that felt that we should have taken their money and had the wedding that they wanted.  What sort of precident would that have been?  That they could tell us what to do about everything in our lives and negate all of our wishes and decisions as a couple.  </div><div>
    </div><div>As far as the specific issues that we have compromised- I only mentioned them to show that we have compromised.  These were things that we would have never wanted if the decision was ours alone, but we wanted his family to be happy so we have given in to many things.</div><div>
    </div><div>I've read your responses to other posts so it's safe to say that I will not be taking anything you say very seriously.

    </div>

    May 2013 February Siggy: Invitations

    image

    Wedding Countdown Ticker

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_i-cant-believe-im-posting-this-bm-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8d8495b7-619b-4ca0-8c03-63e200b29c98Post:2b3adb41-b548-4e09-8064-6b112af2d402">Re: I can't believe I'm posting this- BM help</a>:
    [QUOTE]Sounds to me like this wedding is the least of your problems. The other thread indicated a lot of culture clashing that isn't going to be addressed by ignoring it or not including them. Weddings are HUGE in Indian culture. HUGE. I understand that they may not mean as much to your FI and you, but I honestly do see how his family is so upset. They offered to pay and you still shot them down, why? I don't see what the big deal is of them asking you to serve Indian food and/or vegetarian food at an Indian wedding. You seem to be sneering at your compromises and even lording it over their heads a bit. Seems like it would have been easier to let them pay and handle the things that are customary to their culture then to have this all out identity war instead. The only really issue you mentioned about doing it their way was that "there were too many strings attached." To me, that reads like you wanted to have your way just for the sake of having it.  What are you going to do about cultural issues in the future? Why do you want to die on this hill?
    Posted by thurmanpowell[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>I completely disagree. You're basically saying roll over and let her future in laws run the show. What about what the couple wants out of their wedding day? If her FI doesn't want the traditional route, then that is their decision and they have tried to compromise. We tell people all the time to decline money that comes with such strings.

    </div>
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_i-cant-believe-im-posting-this-bm-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8d8495b7-619b-4ca0-8c03-63e200b29c98Post:25805bf0-b653-40ed-966a-6ff5ac52ee50">Re: I can't believe I'm posting this- BM help</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: I can't believe I'm posting this- BM help : I am not dying on a hill about a specific issue.  We are fighting this because they have no right to question our decisions as a couple.  The wedding is only one of many things that they have tried to control and will continue to try and control.   I have to say, you the only person that either my FI or I have spoken to about this matter that felt that we should have taken their money and had the wedding that they wanted.  What sort of precident would that have been?  That they could tell us what to do about everything in our lives and negate all of our wishes and decisions as a couple.   As far as the specific issues that we have compromised- I only mentioned them to show that we have compromised.  These were things that we would have never wanted if the decision was ours alone, but we wanted his family to be happy so we have given in to many things. <strong>I've read your responses to other posts so it's safe to say that I will not be taking anything you say very seriously.</strong><div><strong>
    </strong></div><div>Thank god, that was awful advice. OP, I'm in your corner- don't listen to thurman. 
    Posted by melb2013[/QUOTE]

    </div>
  • edited December 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_i-cant-believe-im-posting-this-bm-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8d8495b7-619b-4ca0-8c03-63e200b29c98Post:2b3adb41-b548-4e09-8064-6b112af2d402">Re: I can't believe I'm posting this- BM help</a>:
    [QUOTE]Sounds to me like this wedding is the least of your problems. The other thread indicated a lot of culture clashing that isn't going to be addressed by ignoring it or not including them. Weddings are HUGE in Indian culture. HUGE. I understand that they may not mean as much to your FI and you, but I honestly do see how his family is so upset. They offered to pay and you still shot them down, why? I don't see what the big deal is of them asking you to serve Indian food and/or vegetarian food at an Indian wedding. You seem to be sneering at your compromises and even lording it over their heads a bit. <strong>Seems like it would have been easier to let them pay and handle the things that are customary to their culture then to have this all out identity war instead. The only really issue you mentioned about doing it their way was that "there were too many strings attached." To me, that reads like you wanted to have your way just for the sake of having it.  What are you going to do about cultural issues in the future? Why do you want to die on this hill?</strong>
    Posted by thurmanpowell[/QUOTE]

    I didn't say you SHOULD have, I said it seems it would have been MUCH easier. You still didn't give a reason why you didn't except wanting to be difficult. I mean, come on, you "didn't want" to serve any vegetarian food at a wedding with lots of Hindu guests? Feel however you like about my "advice," I didn't give you any here.

    You wanted difficult from your FILs, you got it.
  • edited December 2012
    Also, I'm suprised no one else has called you out for it. You're being pretty disrepectful to your FIs heritage (whether or not he's OK with it). Of course his family is upset. And even if he's ok with disregarding his ethnicity, I don't see how you expect his parents to be. And you realize you're marrying in to his family too, right?

    If my brother were getting married and he and his FI decided that, even if my family paid for it, they wouldn't even bother to have food that we could eat due to religious restrictions my family would be pretty pissed at them too.

    I'm just curious as to what was sooo important to you that you wanted to cut out your future ILs heritage, even when they were offering to pay to include it.


    Edit: just to add, the whole interreligious wedding is what I'm dealing with too. Perhaps this should have been posted on that board (or the intercultural board) as I feel you would have gotten better advice. I have relatives who, due to religious reasons, can't step foot in a church. And instead of going, "Well, frack them!" I made consessions. If I had decided that making them uncomforable was the better choice, just because it's my choice, the last thing I would do is be butthurt that they might drop out of the wedding. OP, you read as if you were asking for drama.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_i-cant-believe-im-posting-this-bm-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8d8495b7-619b-4ca0-8c03-63e200b29c98Post:dbdcc17b-1b86-43a4-b042-2887e9e64a5c">Re: I can't believe I'm posting this- BM help</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: I can't believe I'm posting this- BM help : I didn't say you SHOULD have, I said it seems it would have been MUCH easier.<strong> You still didn't give a reason why </strong>you didn't except wanting to be difficult. I mean, come on, you "didn't want" to serve any vegetarian food at a wedding with lots of Hindu guests? Feel however you like about my "advice," I didn't give you any here. You wanted difficult from your FILs, you got it.
    Posted by thurmanpowell[/QUOTE]

    <div>I certainly gave reasons- I said we didn't take their money because they wanted to control everything about wedding.  I will never take money from anyone who wants to control us.  Would it be easier in the short to do what they want, yes- but I won't live my life with our decisions being controlled.</div><div>
    </div><div>I never said I didn't want to serve vegetarian food, I said I didn't feel it was necessary to have multiple options as his family thought, and we gave in to that aspect.</div>

    May 2013 February Siggy: Invitations

    image

    Wedding Countdown Ticker

  • melb2013melb2013 member
    5 Love Its Name Dropper Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_i-cant-believe-im-posting-this-bm-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8d8495b7-619b-4ca0-8c03-63e200b29c98Post:c93dfc16-28d5-4cbd-abbc-9ebfc1d15ff8">Re: I can't believe I'm posting this- BM help</a>:
    [QUOTE]Also, I'm suprised no one else has called you out for it. You're being pretty disrepectful to your FIs heritage (whether or not he's OK with it). Of course his family is upset. And even if he's ok with disregarding his ethnicity, I don't see how you expect his parents to be. And you realize you're marrying in to his family too, right? If my brother were getting married and he and his FI decided that, even if my family paid for it, they wouldn't even bother to have food that we could eat due to religious restrictions my family would be pretty pissed at them too. I'm just curious as to what was sooo important to you that you wanted to cut out your future ILs heritage, even when they were offering to pay to include it.
    Posted by thurmanpowell[/QUOTE]

    <div>
    </div><div>You think it's wrong that we should blend our cultures????  That's what we thought compromise was, but his family either wants us to only have an Indian wedding or no wedding.  That's what they are trying to control.</div>

    May 2013 February Siggy: Invitations

    image

    Wedding Countdown Ticker

  • I'm not saying I totally agree with Thurman, but I am saying that you have a whole mess of problems here.  A relationship with your fiance's family should be important.  I completely see that you are tryiing to make compromises to keep them happy and they are being very difficult - I swear, I do.  But, if my fiance's sister called him on the phone and said that he was being totally disrespectful to his entire heritage, I might have a moment of pause.  I might stop and wonder what I can do rectify the situation.  My immediate thought wouldn't be about who to replace sister with in the wedding.  Instead, I'd be wondering how to build a better relationship with sister and her parents.

    You have every right to have the wedding you want.  Your husband has every right to go against his culture and have the wedding he wants.  You were under no obligation to take their money and do what they say because, you're right, it does set a horrible precident.  However, things have deteriorated rapidly.  They are blaming YOU.  They are deeply hurt by your fiance.  This goes much deeper than who is standing next to your fiance at your wedding. 

    I am looking at this situation from what you've told me, though.  I can't pretend to know how controlling they want to be, what other things are going on, etc.  All I can say is that these people are going to be in your life for a long time.  It would make things easier if you could all find a way to work together.  And, if you do find that, sister leaving the wedding is no longer an issue.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_i-cant-believe-im-posting-this-bm-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8d8495b7-619b-4ca0-8c03-63e200b29c98Post:bd86b09f-4983-45ec-8d9a-39b794b4eb44">Re: I can't believe I'm posting this- BM help</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: I can't believe I'm posting this- BM help : You think it's wrong that we should blend our cultures????  That's what we thought compromise was, but his family either wants us to only have an Indian wedding or no wedding.  That's what they are trying to control.
    Posted by melb2013[/QUOTE]


    it doesn't sound at all like blending cultures when you just "didn't want" indian food.
  • OP, Thurman is SO wrong here. Stick to your guns. If you give them control like she wants, you'll be setting yourself up for a life of them wanting to control everything. 

    I know it's a long shot, but do you think sitting down with his parent (no FSIL) and having a heart to heart? Maybe if they truely see how upset you and FI are, they'll ease up? This has worked for me in the past. People get clouded by their own ideas, they forget about your feelings. 
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_i-cant-believe-im-posting-this-bm-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8d8495b7-619b-4ca0-8c03-63e200b29c98Post:6972fb6f-1afa-41c7-91ac-ebecc2e72f59">Re: I can't believe I'm posting this- BM help</a>:
    [QUOTE]I'm not saying I totally agree with Thurman, but I am saying that you have a whole mess of problems here.  A relationship with your fiance's family should be important.  I completely see that you are tryiing to make compromises to keep them happy and they are being very difficult - I swear, I do.  <strong>But, if my fiance's sister called him on the phone and said that he was being totally disrespectful to his entire heritage, I might have a moment of pause.  I might stop and wonder what I can do rectify the situation.  My immediate thought wouldn't be about who to replace sister with in the wedding.  Instead, I'd be wondering how to build a better relationship with sister and her parents. </strong>You have every right to have the wedding you want.  Your husband has every right to go against his culture and have the wedding he wants.  You were under no obligation to take their money and do what they say because, you're right, it does set a horrible precident.  However, things have deteriorated rapidly.  They are blaming YOU.  <strong>They are deeply hurt by your fiance.  This goes much deeper than who is standing next to your fiance at your wedding. </strong> I am looking at this situation from what you've told me, though.  I can't pretend to know how controlling they want to be, what other things are going on, etc.  <strong>All I can say is that these people are going to be in your life for a long time.  It would make things easier if you could all find a way to work together.</strong>  And, if you do find that, sister leaving the wedding is no longer an issue.
    Posted by Joy2611[/QUOTE]


    THIS. Joy, you put it much better then I put it.
  • AdeleDazeemAdeleDazeem member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    edited December 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_i-cant-believe-im-posting-this-bm-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8d8495b7-619b-4ca0-8c03-63e200b29c98Post:b3033eb2-e985-42d8-85dc-d53692303e16">Re: I can't believe I'm posting this- BM help</a>:
    [QUOTE] know it's a long shot, but do you think sitting down with his parent (no FSIL) and having a heart to heart? Maybe if they truely see how upset you and FI are, they'll ease up? This has worked for me in the past. People get clouded by their own ideas, they forget about your feelings. 
    Posted by misssunshine17[/QUOTE]

    This, This, This.

    It's time to talk, face to face, and come to an understanding.  The time for dancing around the issue has passed.  The five you need to sit down and really have a good chat.

    EDIT: But I think sister should be there.  And I think the clouded feelings are on both sides.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_i-cant-believe-im-posting-this-bm-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:8d8495b7-619b-4ca0-8c03-63e200b29c98Post:dbdcc17b-1b86-43a4-b042-2887e9e64a5c">Re: I can't believe I'm posting this- BM help</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: I can't believe I'm posting this- BM help : I didn't say you SHOULD have,<strong> I said it seems it would have been MUCH easier.</strong> You still didn't give a reason why you didn't except wanting to be difficult. I mean, come on, you "didn't want" to serve any vegetarian food at a wedding with lots of Hindu guests? Feel however you like about my "advice," I didn't give you any here. You wanted difficult from your FILs, you got it.
    Posted by thurmanpowell[/QUOTE]
    True, and it would have been MUCH easier to let my children skip brushing their teeth when they were little (leading to tooth decay), not force them to wear helmets when riding their bicycles (which probably saved my younger daughter's life, since she got into a crash and BROKE the helmet, but suffered no discernible head trauma). My mom went the easy way out with this child. I told her if she was going to wade into the pluff mud, she needed to wear something on her feet. My mom didn't enforce that rule. The result:
    <a href="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/images/store/6/4/068987e3-8280-4aee-a44f-b5060afc6540.large.jpg" title="Click to view a larger photo" class="PhotoLink"><img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/images/store/6/4/068987e3-8280-4aee-a44f-b5060afc6540.medium.jpg" alt="" /></a>

    My point? Taking the easy way out is almost <strong>NEVER</strong> the best route.
  • Thurman, Joy made great points about their relationship with the in laws, what you did was tell OP that she should have just done whatever her future in laws wanted- two very different things. 
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_i-cant-believe-im-posting-this-bm-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8d8495b7-619b-4ca0-8c03-63e200b29c98Post:b3033eb2-e985-42d8-85dc-d53692303e16">Re: I can't believe I'm posting this- BM help</a>:
    [QUOTE]OP, Thurman is SO wrong here. Stick to your guns. <strong>If you give them control like she wants, you'll be setting yourself up for a life of them wanting to control everything.</strong>  I know it's a long shot, but do you think sitting down with his parent (no FSIL) and having a heart to heart? Maybe if they truely see how upset you and FI are, they'll ease up? This has worked for me in the past. People get clouded by their own ideas, they forget about your feelings. 
    Posted by misssunshine17[/QUOTE]


    WHOA, WHOA, slow down. I didn't say she should give in. In fact, it sounds like she can't at this point. I'm saying her "compromises" seem to be phony (as evidenced by her threated to go back on things as trite as serving indian food at an indian wedding) and she really hasn't given a reason as to why she's fighting so hard except she just wants to do things her way.

    Is getting her way REALLY that inportant in this case? Does serving indian food harm her wedding in any way? The whole thing seems petty. I'd understand if what her ILs wanted would directly contradict what she wanted, but it doesn't sound that way. Most Indian/other weddings I have seen have a Hindu ceromony AND a traditional American one (completed with two sets of bridal clothing). She hasn't said anything to indicate that they wouldn't allow her anything important to her, just that she won't allow them to showcase their own culture.

    <em>heres the first advice I'm giving:</em> Talk to them, actually be open minded about it, and try to honestly incorporate their ideas. Don't treat compromising as a chore but understand you are marrying into an indian family, so you know, you might what to show some respect towards who they are. Cause I'm willing to bet this won't be the last cultural show down you guys have. You probably don't want to go through this everytime some big happens in your life. Learn how to handle it now.
  • edited December 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_i-cant-believe-im-posting-this-bm-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8d8495b7-619b-4ca0-8c03-63e200b29c98Post:fbd74bbb-ec63-4c64-8600-7915bd4233f9">Re: I can't believe I'm posting this- BM help</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: I can't believe I'm posting this- BM help : True, and it would have been MUCH easier to let my children skip brushing their teeth when they were little (leading to tooth decay), not force them to wear helmets when riding their bicycles (which probably saved my younger daughter's life, since she got into a crash and BROKE the helmet, but suffered no discernible head trauma). My mom went the easy way out with this child. I told her if she was going to wade into the pluff mud, she needed to wear something on her feet. My mom didn't enforce that rule. The result: My point? Taking the easy way out is almost NEVER the best route.
    Posted by sarabellam[/QUOTE]

    You tell your kids to brush their teeth <strong>because you want to fight tooth decay.
    </strong>You force them to wear helmet to<strong> protect themselves in case of an accident.
    </strong>You're mom should have told you to wear shoes<strong> to protect your feet.
    </strong>
    Those are all good reasons to go the harder route.

    However, OP doesn't want to honor her IL's culture her wedding <strong>because she thinks they're controlling? </strong>

    That's a stupid reason. I'm NOT telling her to give in to whatever they say because it's easier, I was asking her what was so important to her that it was worth all this drama. Thet's why the post ends with questions and doesn't contain the words, "you should do <em>blank"  </em>anywhere in it.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_i-cant-believe-im-posting-this-bm-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8d8495b7-619b-4ca0-8c03-63e200b29c98Post:e2cfb10f-175e-43e7-b65a-9d3a69938e2d">Re: I can't believe I'm posting this- BM help</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: I can't believe I'm posting this- BM help : WHOA, WHOA, slow down. I didn't say she should give in. In fact, it sounds like she can't at this point. I'm saying her "compromises" seem to be phony (as evidenced by her threated to go back on things as trite as serving indian food at an indian wedding) and she really hasn't given a reason as to why she's fighting so hard except she just wants to do things her way. Is getting her way REALLY that inportant in this case? Does serving indian food harm her wedding in any way? The whole thing seems petty. I'd understand if what her ILs wanted would directly contradict what she wanted, but it doesn't sound that way. Most Indian/other weddings I have seen have a Hindu ceromony AND a traditional American one (completed with two sets of bridal clothing). She hasn't said anything to indicate that they wouldn't allow her anything important to her, just that she won't allow them to showcase their own culture. heres the first advice I'm giving: Talk to them, actually be open minded about it, and try to honestly incorporate their ideas. Don't treat compromising as a chore but understand you are marrying into an indian family, so you know, you might what to show some respect towards who they are. Cause I'm willing to bet this won't be the last cultural show down you guys have. You probably don't want to go through this everytime some big happens in your life. Learn how to handle it now.
    Posted by thurmanpowell[/QUOTE]

    A "compromise" has to involve concessions from both sides, and the ILs won't make any at all.  The OP has been compromising left and right by giving up just about everything that's important to her, and she's still getting blamed.  It's not just about Indian food-it's the whole wedding.  She doesn't need to "learn how to handle it now" because as far as the ILs are concerned, there's nothing for her to handle.  For them it's their way or the highway, and they're not willing to back down at all.

    What kind of good relationship can she possibly have with people who will make her no concessions but throw temper tantrums and blame her for everything, to the point where they don't even want there to be a wedding if they don't get every single detail the way they want it, with no regard whatsoever for what the OP wants?
  • edited December 2012
    jen,

    In reading the other post it looked to me like the ILs were at least somewhat OK with the compromises until this:

    [quote] Now 8 other people have invited themselves to our wedding and in Indian culture it's considered rude not to invite people when they invite themselves (supposedly).  FFIL had a contusion when we refused to invite these people. [/quote]

    I'm not expert on Indian culture, but that doesn't matter. She's dismissing something that they say is culturally important ettiquette wise to them. Even worse, it's an ettiquette breach within their family (as it appeared to be cousins). Even though the ILs were willing to pay.

    I wouldn't call that "compromising left and right." Looks to me like they have good reason to feel her FI is abandoning their culture and OP is putting her cultural ideas above her ILs'.

    I agree with you though that she should be looking at what kind of relationship she'll have with them in the future. That should be her biggest concern right now, not how to craftily replace her FSIL in her wedding.
  • sarabellamsarabellam member
    5 Love Its First Comment First Anniversary
    edited December 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_i-cant-believe-im-posting-this-bm-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:8d8495b7-619b-4ca0-8c03-63e200b29c98Post:cfae3f08-bf5a-45e0-a9d3-2a115e6375f1">Re: I can't believe I'm posting this- BM help</a>:
    [QUOTE]<strong> However, OP doesn't want to honor her IL's culture her wedding because she think's they're controlling?</strong> That's a stupid reason. I'm NOT telling her to give in to whatever they say because it's easier, I was asking her what was so important to her that it was worth all this drama. Thet's why the posts ends with questions and doesn't contain the words, "you should do blank"  anywhere in it.
    Posted by thurmanpowell[/QUOTE]

    From the sounds of it, the OP's FIL's want a COMPLETELY Indian ceremony, against what both she AND HER FI want.What about them honoring HER culture?  

    ETA: Or, what Jen4948 said.
  • edited December 2012
    OP has said they want to add things (and guests) to the wedding, but where did OP say her ILs were taking things out of the wedding?

    I must have missed that part.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_i-cant-believe-im-posting-this-bm-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8d8495b7-619b-4ca0-8c03-63e200b29c98Post:bb9304b1-a610-471e-9773-a1a42618a57b">Re: I can't believe I'm posting this- BM help</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: I can't believe I'm posting this- BM help : From the sounds of it, the OP's FIL's want a COMPLETELY Indian ceremony, against what both she AND HER FI want.What about them honoring HER culture?   ETA: Or, what Jen4948 said.
    Posted by sarabellam[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>This exactly.  This is not about serving Indian food or not- this is about the fact that they want a completely Indian wedding or nothing.  They want us to invite every single person they know or nothing.  They want me to give up my culture, my heritage, and my family's concerns or nothing.</div><div>
    </div><div>I am not posting to be told that I am being disrespectful to their family.  I am also not posting to see how I can "craftily replace" FSIL.  My FI is very upset that his sister may not want to be there by his side on his wedding and I was simply asking if it was against etiquette to have someone else be there to support him instead.  I completely realize that this is the smallest of the issues at hand, but I have no intention of discussing the large issues with a group of strangers.  I asked about the etiquette in this situation and that's it.

    </div>

    May 2013 February Siggy: Invitations

    image

    Wedding Countdown Ticker

  • I'd like to add that we have done everything short of handing the reigns over to them for this wedding and they still aren't happy about it.   My FI and I are making a stand right now- they either back off or they don't get anything they wanted for this wedding that we didn't want.  They still get to invite all the people though, because we already sent out STDs, so for that issue, they win.

    My FI and I aren't sure at this point if there will be a wedding or a marriage.  He is willing to distance himself from his family if they can't respect our decisions as a couple, but I feel terrible that it has come to that.  But this is not what I originally posted about- I simply wanted to know if it would acceptable to have someone stand next to FI if his sister doesn't want to.  My question was answered and I don't want to get into the details of my relationship with my FI or his family.

    May 2013 February Siggy: Invitations

    image

    Wedding Countdown Ticker

This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards