Need advice on how to handle the Mother of the Bride

TroubledMama · January 2013

I know I am just the lowly mother of the groom, who is just supposed to write a big check, buy a pretty dress, show up and keep my mouth shut, but the mother of the bride is turning into a monster.

She actually told my son that he shouldnt get his hopes up for making any decisions, that the bride and herself could handle everything. He quickly put her in her place but I am really worried that the Momzilla will manage to ruin my son's wedding.

As it stands I already dread having to go and I was pretty sure this was supposed to be a happy time for everyone involved.

I have cried many tears over this and I still have a few months to go. I'm really almost tempted to tell both my son and my FDIL that I will be skipping the wedding.

Any advice out there??

NYCMercedes · January 2013

As a MOG myself, I think it is our job to love and help our family. How is your son handling this? What is your check for? Stay away from the MOB if she upsets you.

unchatenfrance · January 2013

I feel your frustration, but I don't think that you skipping the wedding will accomplish anything. You playing martryr and skipping the wedding only escalate the family drama.

Does the bride also realize the MOB is a momzilla, or is she in cahoots with her? Also, what is the MOB doing that will "ruin" the wedding?

You are only "supposed to write a big check" if you want to. You are not obligated to in any way if you do not wish to.

TroubledMama · January 2013

My son, husband and myself agreed that we would pay for our invited guests to the reception, the alcohol at the reception, the grooms dinner and a portion of the rental costs for the WP tuxedos.

Its going to be a reasonablely (by today's costs) priced event. The B and G have both agreed that whoever is paying entirely for something has the final say. Which bascially leaves our side out of any final choices since we are sharing the meal costs at the reception. I actually would like to go with a nicer dinner with better options. Its $6 more a plate and I just think it would be better tasting, but the MOB already made those choices.

My son DOES stand up for himself, but the bride caves in. For instance, the bride asked me to join them on a wedding outing. When all the MOB drama started, my son stood up for me and said, I can already tell you *I* wont let my mom go and have her bullied.

I think I just assumed (we all know what happens when we do that) the the Bride really wanted me involved and wanted my input. I'm just a little heartbroken to find that a MOB bully is stealing that away.

MairePoppy · January 2013

First, the parents are not obligated to pay for anything.

If you and your husband are covering the cost for all of your guests, that makes you co-hosts with the bride's parents, so you should have been consulted on the menu. You say that the wedding is a few months away, so the menu can probably be tweaked. If it's that important to you, let son and FDIL know that you expect to have some say in how your money is being spent.

Please don't threaten to not attend the wedding. That will make you look childish. The MOB sounds like a control freak, but the last thing that your son and your FDIL need are dueling mamas.

If I were you, I would attend the wedding have a grand time with the guests that I invited, stay far, far away from MOB and take full advantage of that bar you are funding : )

unchatenfrance · January 2013

The B and G have both agreed that whoever is paying entirely for something has the final say. Which bascially leaves our side out of any final choices since we are sharing the meal costs at the reception.

If you're sharing the costs of the reception meals, that means that the bride's family is not paying for the entire reception meal, therefore they don't get the final say either. This argument makes no sense to me.

Just because you may be able to afford an extra $6 per plate for your guests, it doesn't mean that the bride's family can afford an extra $6 per plate for their guests. If this is the way in which the MOB is "ruining your son's wedding," I think you have to adjust your own perspective and cut down the drama in your own rhetoric.

My son DOES stand up for himself, but the bride caves in. For instance, the bride asked me to join them on a wedding outing. When all the MOB drama started, my son stood up for me and said, I can already tell you *I* wont let my mom go and have her bullied.

So the bride invited you to a wedding outing, then MOB said she and the bride will be making all the decisions, and so stayed home and cried? I feel like something is missing in the story. Based on what you have written, I'm getting the sense that the issue here is a lack of communication between the families, not Momzilla ruining your son's wedding.

Has MOB called you a monster?

MairePoppy · January 2013

That's a good point about the extra $6/pp. That money might not be in the other parent's budget.

Maggie0829 · January 2013

Unless I am reading your follow-up post wrong it seems that you are paying for a large portion of the event seeing as you are paying for all of your invited guests. That could be half of the guest list, so I do believe you should have a good amount of say in the wedding.

I honestly do not know how you should handle this situation seeing as the bride to be caves to her Mother so easily. I am sorry you are having to deal with this. I think that if the brides parents (mainly MOB) will not let you have any say in any wedding planning then I would tell them that you will not be able to contribute any money towards the wedding. I do not think it is fair that you have to shell out money (and a good chunck at that) for something that you cannot even help plan.

But whatever you do, do not skip the wedding. That will only punish your son and FDIL and hurt them. They are not the one's being rude to you. Do not let this MOB stop you from seeing your son get married.

MairePoppy · January 2013

Maggie - I thought of that, but was afraid it would result in the MOB cutting the MOG's guest list.

Troubled Mama, you are paying for the groom's dinner and the bar, so you will have complete control over those. That might give you some leverage, if the others want any input on those items.

Please, let us know how it turns out.

melb2013 · January 2013

I think if you are contributing what seems like half (approx) then you are the co-host and should be consulted. It seems like you want the bride and groom to get what they want (they as in both of them) and that you aren't looking to control the situation, which is good.

Please do not threaten to not come to the wedding. No matter what the situation, there is never an excuse for throwing away your relationship with your son over a wedding situation.

I think you either exercise some authority over the money you are contributing or suck it up and muddle through.

harper0813 · January 2013

Please disregard this post!

MoxieMickie · January 2013

In Response to Re:Need advice on how to handle the Mother of the Bride:[QUOTE]That's a good point about the extra 6/pp. That money might not be in the other parent's budget. Posted by MairePoppy[/QUOTE]
Especially if they're paying for the photographer, dress, dj, venue, invitations, flowers, etc. Since she mentioned alcohol separately, I interpretted the post as MOG was paying food for her side not everything else. If the couple were paying the rest, there's the same possibility they can't or don't want to pay to upgrade food.

MairePoppy · January 2013

Zoberg - please read Troubled Mamas second post. She IS paying for a significant amount of the wedding.

harper0813 · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_need-advice-on-how-to-handle-the-mother-of-the-bride?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:888d7abd-6e6a-4c24-aaa0-d4d336e73a8fPost:0644c758-858a-4386-adf8-7972ca44bf83">Re: Need advice on how to handle the Mother of the Bride</a>:
[QUOTE]Zoberg - please read Troubled Mamas second post. She IS paying for a significant amount of the wedding.
Posted by MairePoppy[/QUOTE]

Drat! Silly me. I opened the page yesterday before there were any replies and forgot to re-load.<div>
</div><div>OP, talk to your son and have him talk to his fiancee about your predicament. She needs to learn how to communicate with her parents.</div>

TroubledMama · January 2013

We have offered to pay for much more than half, seeing that was are in a better financial state. The B G have a list of things they are paying for as is the bride's family. The MOB has claimed I want them to have a cheap wedding because I suggested that we look for discounts. The MOB is ruining the mood of the wedding, she's trying to turn it into 'her' wedding. She have voiced displeasure about everything from who the groomsmen are to my outright refusal to simply write her a check so she could handle things "more efficiently". That will NEVER happen. When my son voiced his complaint about her attitude she told him point blank that he wouldn't be making decisions anyway. My FDIL promptly burst into tears and her mom stormed off like a 3 year old. I am sitting the kids down and saying that I refuse to be party to this drama and am seeking alternatives to resolving it. Not attending IS still on the table. I will not allow myself to be treated like dog poo the MOB stepped in.

TroubledMama · January 2013

In Response to Re:Need advice on how to handle the Mother of the Bride:[QUOTE]Please disregard this post! Posted by zoberg[/QUOTE]

That's awful snarky.

melb2013 · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_need-advice-on-how-to-handle-the-mother-of-the-bride?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:888d7abd-6e6a-4c24-aaa0-d4d336e73a8fPost:9943d1db-48ca-4273-b856-6a8eadaa92f9">Re:Need advice on how to handle the Mother of the Bride</a>:
[QUOTE]We have offered to pay for much more than half, seeing that was are in a better financial state. The B G have a list of things they are paying for as is the bride's family. The MOB has claimed I want them to have a cheap wedding because I suggested that we look for discounts. The MOB is ruining the mood of the wedding, she's trying to turn it into 'her' wedding. She have voiced displeasure about everything from who the groomsmen are to my outright refusal to simply write her a check so she could handle things "more efficiently". That will NEVER happen. When my son voiced his complaint about her attitude she told him point blank that he wouldn't be making decisions anyway. My FDIL promptly burst into tears and her mom stormed off like a 3 year old. I am sitting the kids down and saying that I refuse to be party to this drama and am seeking alternatives to resolving it. Not attending IS still on the table. I will not allow myself to be treated like dog poo the MOB stepped in.
Posted by TroubledMama[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I am telling you that if you threaten to not attend the wedding you are no better than the MOB. That behavior is also acting like a 3 year old- be better and take the higher road than the MOB. You are doing nothing other than hurting your son by threatening this. You will throw away a relationship with him over something as trivial as a party.</div><div>
</div><div>You can completely pull your money out- if I were you I would feel justified in doing that. You need to put your foot down and say that the decisions regarding the money you are spending will be made by you and the bride and groom, NOT the MOB or you won't contribute.

</div><div>You will never change the MOB's negative attitude- accept that. But you may be able to change how the decisions are made regarding the wedding.</div>

melb2013 · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_need-advice-on-how-to-handle-the-mother-of-the-bride?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:888d7abd-6e6a-4c24-aaa0-d4d336e73a8fPost:73d54958-0aca-4fe5-851c-9f61cd8129c7">Re:Need advice on how to handle the Mother of the Bride</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Need advice on how to handle the Mother of the Bride: That's awful snarky.
Posted by TroubledMama[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>She didn't mean your post! She wrote another post without reading your follow up post and deleted that post and wrote "disregard" instead, since the post didn't make sense after reading your follow up.</div>

pink34562000 · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_need-advice-on-how-to-handle-the-mother-of-the-bride?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:888d7abd-6e6a-4c24-aaa0-d4d336e73a8fPost:9943d1db-48ca-4273-b856-6a8eadaa92f9">Re:Need advice on how to handle the Mother of the Bride</a>:
[QUOTE]We have offered to pay for much more than half, seeing that was are in a better financial state. The B G have a list of things they are paying for as is the bride's family. The MOB has claimed I want them to have a cheap wedding because I suggested that we look for discounts. The MOB is ruining the mood of the wedding, she's trying to turn it into 'her' wedding. She have voiced displeasure about everything from who the groomsmen are to my outright refusal to simply write her a check so she could handle things "more efficiently". That will NEVER happen. When my son voiced his complaint about her attitude she told him point blank that he wouldn't be making decisions anyway. My FDIL promptly burst into tears and her mom stormed off like a 3 year old. <strong> I am sitting the kids down and saying that I refuse to be party to this drama and am seeking alternatives to resolving it. </strong>Not attending IS still on the table. I will not allow myself to be treated like dog poo the MOB stepped in.
Posted by TroubledMama[/QUOTE]

First, it was very generous of you to offer to pay for some of the wedding because paying for the wedding is the bride's and groom's responsibility.

"Sitting the kids down and refusing to be a part of this drama" may cause problems. It may be difficult, but you should attend the wedding to support your son. If you threaten to not go, you will have a difficult relationship with your son and your DIL.

It seems like the bride is having issues with her mom controling her and your son's wedding. So, my advice is to continue to be the sweet lady that you are. Just be a good support system for the couple.

RissAnn1970 · January 2013

Your son is looking at a lifetime of problems with his wife. SHE is the one who needs to have his back and stand up to her mother. When my parents were paying for my wedding, my mom tried to take over, even wanted to look at venues without my thenFI, just me and my parents. When I refused, it was a huge fight that ended in me H saying, "thanks but no thanks" to their money and control. We paid for it ourselves and did it our way. I told my mother flat out, "if you make me choose between you him, I'll tell you right now I'm choosing him every time." I've spent 17 years doing divorce law and I can tell you, the most common reasons for divorce are not infidelity or abuse. They're fighting over money or one spouse letting his or her parents have too much involvement in the relationship and not sticking up for the husband or wife.

BubbsNBubbs · January 2013

WOW....If you really want to play the game and look as bad if not worse than the MOB, please, go ahead with your threats of non-attendance and money pulling. I can tell you that if my mother was pulling that stunt...I would not appreciate it one bit and would call her bluff and tell her that it's too bad that she needs to resort to threats and intimidation.

jennyjain · January 2013

Who is more angry about the course of events, you are your son? It's his wedding. If he can't stand up to his future MIL, then its his loss. He is a grown man at this point. Its also HER wedding. If she can't stand up to her mother, thats not your problem either. Thats between that two (or three?) of them, not you.

You certainly aren't going to change family dynamics between mother and daughter by not attending an invite to a bridal event in orderto spite the mother in law. They were trying to include you. You decided not to go. Thats making you less involved then ever. It could have been a chance to get to know both MIL and bride better, which would have put you at an advantage. Your an adult to, you should have sucked it up and went.
This is one of many challenges and situations that B & G need to face as a couple. This is one of NUMEROUS things they will face as a couple.
If MIL is being dominating, its because she is being allowed to do so and you won't change that. I would stand up for the parts you are funding or half funing, but as other people said, the rest if theirs.
Have you actually tried talking to her face to face about this and expressing your feelings about the interactions between the two of you?
Such as her saying your cheap. This obviously bothered you, but how was it dealt with?Deal with it now or face the next couple years feeling that she is being passive aggressive towards you. Talk to her about the interactions between YOU TWO, not her dominating the wedding planning.

Chances are, she is just an extremely overly enthusastic mother of the bride. However, there is no reason that should be ruining you to the point of tears.

honeyjade22 · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_need-advice-on-how-to-handle-the-mother-of-the-bride?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:888d7abd-6e6a-4c24-aaa0-d4d336e73a8fPost:ff93e7a6-6fa3-4f2e-9246-44ee7d18d26a">Need advice on how to handle the Mother of the Bride</a>:
[QUOTE]I know I am just the lowly mother of the groom, who is just supposed to write a big check, buy a pretty dress, show up and keep my mouth shut, but the mother of the bride is turning into a monster. She actually told my son that he shouldnt get his hopes up for making any decisions, that the bride and herself could handle everything. He quickly put her in her place but I am really worried that the Momzilla will manage to ruin my son's wedding. As it stands I already dread having to go and I was pretty sure this was supposed to be a happy time for everyone involved. I have cried many tears over this and I still have a few months to go. I'm really almost tempted to tell both my son and my FDIL that I will be skipping the wedding. Any advice out there??
Posted by TroubledMama[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>My mom turned int a Momzilla, exactly the way you are saying. Trust me, it wont last. Everyone got so sick of the monster she became, that when she realised she couldnt force everyone into "her way" she just gave up and now SHE isnt coming. She got really nasty, about everyone and everything happening with the wedding.

Dont not go, because thats what all micormanaging, manipulative Momzillas are looking to accomplish, "My way or dont even bother coming."...Trust me, I heard it a million times from my mom. </div><div>"Well I dont like them, they cant come"</div><div>"We're doing it this way for these people, or they cant come"</div><div>and several other variations. BTW WE'RE paying for everything, and she acted like that. Just stay strong and maybe talk to your son about whats going on so maybe he can work on it from his side. Dont give up.

</div>

harper0813 · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_need-advice-on-how-to-handle-the-mother-of-the-bride?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:888d7abd-6e6a-4c24-aaa0-d4d336e73a8fPost:73d54958-0aca-4fe5-851c-9f61cd8129c7">Re:Need advice on how to handle the Mother of the Bride</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Need advice on how to handle the Mother of the Bride:

That's awful snarky.
Posted by TroubledMama[/QUOTE]

I was referring to my own post - not yours! I replied without reading your second post and I can't delete... so I just said to disregard what I said.

TroubledMama · January 2013

I have just decided to stop.

Its not worth the level of frustration. When they need something from me, they can come to me. And, they will need something. Cash is King and Mama will be called upon to fork out the dough.

Thats when I will have the chance to speak my peace.

They, the B&G can take it or leave it.

Need advice on how to handle the Mother of the Bride

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