Christian Weddings

how would you handle this/need some prayers (long)

(frequent stalker, rare poster)

So I have  been having this internal battle with myself for quite sometime and am just now trying to put my frustrated/angry/hurt feelings into words...

My brother got married to his fiancee 6 months before deploying by a JOP (Nov 09) - our family did not find out until March 2010, after we went dress shopping with her.  She is still planning her "real" wedding for May 2011 (yes, />1.5 years after she has been officially married). 

I also know she has changed her name to my family's name - a plane ticket came to my parents house in this way and is actually how we all found out they were married.

When I sent her my STD I addressed it appropriately (Mrs. myfamilyslastname) and she actually went up to my mom and told her that she still goes by her maiden name and that she wants to continue to keep their marriage a secret.

I have confronted my brother on the issue before he deployed and he said that he wanted to get married so that she could get his full SGLI benefits should, God-forbid, something happened (fine, I get that.). He says they were not "really" married because God wasn't present (apparently he stops at courts doors...).

My question is how would you handle this situation? Am I in the wrong for being very much pissed/angry/upset/frustrated?

CN: Brother got married in  Nov 09, planning big fancy "real" wedding >1.5 yrs after the fact (May11), wife refuses to admit that they are actually married and has kept it secret from everyone...

Thanks for helping :)  I posted on the E board as well but need some Christian-centered advice and a lot of prayers as for some reason I just can't let this go..
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Re: how would you handle this/need some prayers (long)

  • katanne9katanne9 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Ayyeee, I don't blame you for being totally annoyed. The whole situation is very silly, and ridiculous. So no, I don't think you are in the wrong at all.

    How you should you react thought?

    Hmmm, well, it appears they both have a deluded idea of what it means to get married, but I'm not sure if hammering on that will be good for your relationship with them.

    I guess I would skirt around the issue. I wouldn't hide the fact that you believe them to be already married though.

    Honestly, I'd probably still address their wedding invite as Mr and Mrs ___. It's silly to pretend they aren't married, even if it's what they'd like to think.
  • edited December 2011
    IMO, since you are family - I wouldn't think it would matter about names and such. I would just address it Mr. & Mrs. BrotherSisterInlaw. I would be frustrated to, and I agree with PP sounds like you and him have different meanings of marriage. But I would do exactly as PP said - skirt the issue but don't ignore the new name situation for invites.
  • edited December 2011
    OK...I'll take a slightly different view on this. 

    You are NOT wrong as far as how you feel. It is normal.

    However, my brother also did the same thing before he was deployed but with a slight difference. We (family only) all knew they were married. However, she didn't change her last name until their actual wedding celebration date. They got married in March 2002 but didn't have the actual celebration until November 2003.

    I think you should respect her wishes to still go by her maiden name when you address things to them. But if asked, you can be honest and tell folks they will be having a wedding celebration in 2011. That way, you are not lying to folks but you are also accomodating your brother and sister in law.
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  • katanne9katanne9 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_would-handle-thisneed-prayers-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:4b686016-3f9c-428d-bc7c-b8bf9ac11328Post:e83cf2c8-aa26-4f0b-acfd-49c13ee007e3">Re: how would you handle this/need some prayers (long)</a>:
    [QUOTE]I think you should respect her wishes to still go by her maiden name when you address things to them.
    Posted by wheatney22[/QUOTE]

    But if she received a plane ticket in her married name that means she must have legally changed it in order to have the appropriate government ID to get it. To me it seems she just wanted to keep up the pretense of her maiden name to further the delusion.

    Of course, if she legally changed her name but plans to continue to use her maiden name socially (but I've never heard of this) that is a different story.
  • heyimbrenheyimbren member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I think I'd respect her wishes about her last name, if it means that much to her. I do know some people who legally changed their last name but socially go by their maiden name, which seems weird to me. But people do it.

    However, I wouldn't keep her secret if it came up. I wouldn't feel right about lying about it in any form, and if something like that comes up where you feel put in the middle, I think I'd talk to them about it and say you don't feel comfortable lying (either directly or by omission). Not in a vindictive way, and I'd probably do my best to stay out of it.
  • edited December 2011
    I guess I can understand them wanting to be married sort of "in name only" for military purposes but not wantng to feel truly MARRIED until they stand up before their families and the congregation . . . . I also get why you'e upset - they are married, after all.

    I guess I would say pray about it. She's got to be feeling very alone and scared with your bro gone and with worrying about him all the time. She also might be kinda embarrassed at their "marriage situation"

    Try to show love and kindness and be understanding . . . maybe this will bring you closer.
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  • iamjoesgurliamjoesgurl member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I agree with bren that you should not feel like you need to keep their secret.  Is your brother overseas now?  If so, I would write a letter to them, send one copy to him and the other copy to her.  I would let them know that you understand their reasoning for wanting to get married before the deployment, but that you are hurt that they were not honest with you.  I would also explain to them that other family and friends will probably feel the same way and explain that if someone were to ask you, you would respond honestly about the fact that they are legally married.

    I also think that I would have trouble standing up for them if it is a charade.  If they plan on being honest with their guests that they are renewing vows that they already made to each other in the civil ceremony, then I would feel more comfortable participating.  But it puts you in an awkward position if you know, but others don't know.

    From a witness standpoint, you don't want to be vindictive, just honest.  You will want to show them love and understanding even though you have been hurt.  I think that it really sucks that they've done this and agree that it is a very hurtful thing.  But we are called to love and so I would encourage you to pray about and think about what would be the loving way to respond.  I'll pray for your family.  This cannot be easy.   ***hugs***
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  • KikoLoveAndiKikoLoveAndi member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Thats really tough.  I can't say much to add but i will be praying for you and your family. ((hugs))
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  • edited December 2011
    Thank you so very much, every one of you - all of you have brought different perspectives to this difficult situation :)

    I actually ended up hand-delivering her invite (without an envelope) to avoid the conflict, passive-aggressive, yea...

    I have prayed every night since I've found out.  I love my brother dearly and always dreamt & hoped that whoever he chose to marry would become a good friend of mine.

    Since her "wedding" is so far off still and my brother is due back from deployment in just a few short weeks I will keep hoping and praying that she will see that what matters is their marriage....not the wedding and let us celebrate that.

    Just as an ironic aside- she actually came up on my clinic roster today -as her legally changed name (I am an Army doctor and am currently helping with walk-in patients)....I promptly changed her to another doc of course, but still....

    Thank you again everyone, I knew I could trust you guys for loving guidance!
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