Hawaii

Rings - Vent

Okay....I need a reality check ladies.  FI was put in charge of rings yesterday.  So today he's talking to a jeweler he's used before and he e-mailed some ideas, etc.  We began a discussion about the rings and I commented why were we getting them anyway.  FI says it's what is socially conventional.  Now we are not the great example for socially acceptable/conventional .  We've been living together 5 1/2 years, we have a 3 year old son, I didn't get an engagement ring, I'm not taking his last name - we're not the most socially conventional couple you will meet by far.  I asked him what the ring meant to him....he said he has no other reason except that it is socially conventional.  I say if that's all it means then why are we doing it....because honestly the diamond ring he bought me after I gave birth to our son is what means something to me.  I've never been into what is socially acceptable/conventional so if that is the only reason we're doing it ...we shouldn't.  Then he says well it would be easier to do rings than explain to everyone why we weren't......now why exactly do we have to explain anything!  Our friends/family know that we aren't into that stuff so why do we have to explain anything!!  This discussion has taken up the last 5 hours of my life and I can't believe we are even having it!  He agrees with all my points but says he had never thought about NOT having rings so he was in shock.  I said I haven't had a ring in 5 1/2 years and I feel the same way...it's not about the ring, it's about the relationship and if socially conventional/acceptable is the only reason we're getting them, frankly......I don't want one.  He recently had surgery on his hands (ring finger too) and the Dr. isn't even sure he can wear a ring....so again....why bother.  Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr  I am really worked up.  Just feels like a waste of money and energy on something that truly means nothing.

Have I lost my mind? lol

Re: Rings - Vent

  • edited December 2011
    Wow!  It's usually the guy that doesn't want a ring!  Hahaha!  

    Here's my take:  If for whatever reason your FI wants one, let him get one...  If there's one thing I've learned from being an MOH and a BM and a bride myself, it's that in a weird way, some men have their own ideas and expectations about how they "pictured" their wedding to be.  Men's rings are really inexpensive anyway.  You can easily get one for about $100.  Since you don't really want one, just use the diamond ring he gave you after your son was born.  That way it already has a special meaning to you and you don't have to go out and buy another ring (especially since you're not going to wear it).  It's just my 2 cents on how to compromise in this situation.  I dunno... maybe after he thinks about it, he'll agree with you in the end after all!  :)

    Just breathe!  Think will work out in the end!
  • maui2011maui2011
    500 Comments
    member
    edited December 2011
    For the ring exchange you can use the ring you're wearing now and a simple band can be purchased for your FI or you can get matching simple bands that will not break the bank.  Maybe he feels the ring is symbolic of your union together...just a thought.  J.
  • carrieoz_76carrieoz_76
    2500 Comments Combo Breaker
    member
    edited December 2011
    I agree with pp.  Me, I'm really sentimental and FI is underneath a somewhat gruff exterior a big softie.  But if that's not you, then go with a simple band for him (which he doesn't need to wear if he can't - or make it into a pendant on a necklace if he wants to wear it somewhere) and use your diamond right for yourself.
  • edited December 2011
    For me, the ring is more about the symbol than the social conventions. My Dad doesn't wear his ring (for the same reason that I often don't wear mine - allergies), and it doesn't bother my mum (that much). People like having a physical reminders. And, a wedding band is a great, permanent one that many people subconsciously rely on to remind them that the choices they make affect someone else.

    I, for one, like having a symbol that reminds me that my relationship with my husband is different than the one I had with my fiancé or boyfriend. At the risk of sounding ridiculous, it is different too! I know a lot of girls who live with their FIs say their relationship doesn't change at all, but mine did - or at least my mindset towards it changed. Like you, I've lived with him for 4 years and I sure as hell didn't take his last name (I'm me, and that includes my original last name!). It was important for me to mark the difference between what we had before with what we have now. I do a lot of teaching about rituals (it's part of the drama curriculum), and they're really important to me because they help people switch gears and approach things from different angles.  

    Ah, I'm rambling again. At the end of the day, you have to decide which rituals are important and meaningful to you and your husband.
  • edited December 2011
    Thanks for all the advice ladies.  Do you ever have one of those days where you feel like you're the only sane one left lol. 

    FI definitely has ideas/expectations for the wedding day.  This whole Hawaii big wedding was his idea!  I've already "been down the aisle a time or two lol" and I think I have certain expectations too and for me this whole ring thing could possibly be like the breaking of the curse for me.  He's just still in shock because it's not something he had even considered. 

    I need to breathe.  I think all of this planning has been building and here we are 5 1/2 months out and I'm getting scared on many different levels.  UGH.

    Thanks again!!  I'm going to go be sick now LOL
  • ETweetETweet
    100 Comments
    member
    edited December 2011
    I can definately relate to feeling overwhelmed, and the simplist things set me off. 

    It's interesting to find out what is important to your partner when planning a wedding. I think that if a wedding bank is important to your FI, for whatever reason, you should try to honor that, even though it's not important to you. It doesn't mean you have to have one, but it sounds like it might represent more to your FI than he may be leading on.

    Good luck! I personally think it's cute that FI wants one vs not having one at all. :)
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