Feeling discouraged

Re: Feeling discouraged

• lunarsongbird member

  

  April 2012

  Then why are you planning escort cards?
  
  Planning your wedding to such detail will only make you more and more discouraged.
  
  

  

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• wrigleyville member

  

  April 2012

  Has the bank given you an estimate on how long it will take to wrap up the sale? Most short sales I'm aware of can take 6-9 months to finalize, depending on the bank.
  
  I'd recommend avoiding planning too much before that point. If you keep planning your wedding, it's only going to make you more sad that you have to wait. Sure, you guys can talk about theme and colors, but I wouldn't start working on DIY projects and such until you actually have a venue booked and a date set (after you're engaged, of course).

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• [Deleted User] member

  

  April 2012

  I can understand why you feel discouraged. Almost a year ago BF and I went ring shopping (and he bought a ring!) and we're still not engaged. Looking back, i've definitely had my anxious moments. That being said, I know when he does propose I will be thrilled that he planned everything the way he wanted. The less you concentrate on an engagement and a wedding, the more you'll enjoy those moments when they actually come.
  
  Enjoy the moments you have with your guy every day. You don't have to be engaged or married to be in a great relationship and enjoy your partner. Pre-engagement is a very carefree, low-stress time. Enjoy it while you can!

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• LilTexasGal

  

  April 2012

  Hi. Sorry you feel discouraged, but four years really is that long of time, really it isn't. (Yes, it is a long time, but I don't think it is long enough to feel discouraged yet!)  I'm not able to check your previous posts, so forgive me if you've already mentioned this, but how old are you? Four years in your early twenties, to me, is a lot different time-wise from someone who is in their later years of life. My FI and I were together 2 months shy of 5 years when he proposed. We had been talking about marriage since about a year into the relationship. We had a serious talk about getting married about a year ago. We discussed our goals - careers, finances, living arrangements, etc. We agreed that both he and I wanted to be stable in our careers, we wanted to have the ability to finance the wedding ourselves, he wanted to be able to refinance the house (if possible) to a higher monthly payment, but a less amount of time (and be able to afford the higher payment while saving too). Around November of last year we had a conversation and had realized that both he and I had met our pre-marriage goals. However, we didn't really do any of the pre-planning, and while I knew he would propose eventually, it was never stated how long after meeting these goals would be wait to be married. 

  
  

  I just told myself he would ask when he was ready, and I am glad I didn't dwell on it. When FI did propose (in March) I was very excited and happy, though I must admit, there is a bittersweet moment when you say farewell to your dating, and move into the phase of planning a wedding. Personally, I think, had  I been planning a wedding before I were engaged, it would have taken away from the feeling of being engaged, and it probably wouldn't have felt as special.

  
  

  So what is the rush to get married so soon? He has goals he wants to meet, you should respect them and allow him to meet them, that way, when you do get married, he doesn't have any regrets or concerns. Being able to afford a higher mortgage payment was something that was very important to FI, but not so important to me. When he'd met his goals, I knew it would be the right time for us to get married. However, I was never in a rush to get married. I was perfectly okay with waiting a few more years (my sister dated 9 years before getting engaged, and my cousin dated 8 before getting engaged) but that doesn't mean that I wanted to wait - but I was okay if we did. If that makes any sense, and now that I am engaged, waiting probably the most wretched part about it! 

  
  

  Trust me, I understand where you're coming from, but I would recommend that you stop thinking of things in steps. Focus on getting the house, and put marriage on the back burner. Stop planning your wedding, and stop focusing on how the house is "holding" you up. If your BF wanted to propose now, he would have, but clearly the house is something that is important to him, and therefore, it is because he hasn't met his goals that you're not engaged yet. If you must do some planning, start looking at furniture and decorations for your house. Personally, I think you should take up an interesting hobby to keep your mind off it!

  
  

  Try not to let this get you down. Remember, when it happens, the waiting will have been well worth it! You'll only get to be boyfriend/girlfriend for a short amount of time, but you have your whole lives to be husband and wife. Cherish this time. Remember how, when you were a kid, all you wanted to be was a grown up? Now, don't you wish you had some of those childhood days back? Just enjoy things as they are, you'll never get them back once they are gone.

  

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• jorja86 member

  

  April 2012

  You're setting yourself up for disappointment, and devaluing your current relationship by planning "themes and colors" and doing other planning before you are even engaged. 

  
  

  It's understandable that you are feeling frustrated by the situation with purchasing the house-I can imagine that has been really hard. However, you have to separate those feelings from how you feel about your relationship. 

  
  

  Your BF is telling you to slow down by making it clear that he's not ready to take the next step until the house is taken care of. I'd recommend listening to him. I also think he's right-why try to cram too many big things into too little time. You are about to buy a house together, and there's a lot of planning and projects that come with that. Enjoy this step before you rush into the next one. 

  

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• desertsun member

  

  April 2012

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_feeling-discouraged?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:0e514b53-33b5-4190-9947-30ba59b72aecPost:6b66b45e-001c-43e6-9d73-b1f3c1542fbe">Feeling discouraged</a>:
  [QUOTE]Hi all, I'm sort of a lurker, and am feeling overwhelmed by the discouragement I'm feeling lately. I've been with my boyfriend for almost 4 years, and we've talked about getting married, he's even found out what I want in a ring. We've talked about theme and colors and all that stuff, but the hold up with getting engaged is us getting into a house. We've been looking since June of last year and found one we liked in late October. We put in an offer on it in November but it's a short sale and we've been riding the roller coaster ever since. I'm just starting to get discouraged by the fact that nothing has been happening with the house and that's what's holding up our next step. I'm ready to make that next step, and when I ask him what the hold up is, he tells me he wants us to be in a house...which I understand and respect, but at the same time, I feel like neither is going to happen any time soon. Sorry for the long rant...just needed to get it out
  Posted by mlemoe03[/QUOTE]<div>
  </div><div>You are totally allowed to have times where you feel discouraged or frustrated.</div><div>
  </div><div>My best advice is to stop planning. I like how Jorja put it when she said that devalues your relationship as it is now. Try to just focus on your guy, why you love him and want to marry him, and enjoying your life as you're living it instead of getting really caught up in the future. </div><div>
  </div><div>I also think it can't hurt to talk to your guy about how you're feeling. It's okay to let him know that you're feeling discouraged and impatient, not just about the house, but the future in general. I find that a little reassurance from my H that he loves me and our life together is sometimes the best cure when I'm feeling down. </div><div>
  </div><div>Now, you should NOT be needing that constantly. You should in general feel secure and happy in yourself, your own life, and in your relationship. You should NOT need a proposal, ring, wedding, house, whatever to feel secure and happy. </div><div>
  </div><div>But it is okay when you hit a rough patch to ask your partner for a little additional TLC. Maybe plan or ask him to plan something a little special, and try to just enjoy some time one on one, not thinking about the house or someday wedding.</div><div>
  </div><div>GL and please update us!</div><div>
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• JaniV123 member

  

  May 2012

  i agree 100% with previous posters, i have been with my now FI for 5 years and we are getting married 3 years form now. 

  
  

  take time to enjoy your relationship, think about house things before wedding things as that WILL come first. you really can't push your BF into proposing/marrying. 

  
  

  its ok to feel sad at times but do not let that take over you. 

  
  

  best of luck

  
  

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• travelerkris member

  

  May 2012

  I'm so sorry.    Four years is a long time (though I agree with PP, four years is a much shorter time if you're 22 than if you're 32).  I think you need to evaluate if you believe him.  If you believe he is going to propose when the house thing is sorted out, then try to relax and throw yourself into another hobby or interest, knowing the time is coming.  If you think the house thing is a tactic to buy time, or if you don't really know if he's sure, then you need to re-evaluate. 
  
  I've had it both ways- I had a boyfriend for four years that was going to propose "when we're out of law school," "when we pass the bar," which all turned into "when hell freezes over."  In contrast, my fiance needed to pay for the ring and save money for a few months to buy it.  By the way, I'm soooooo happy law guy and I didn't get married!  My fiance makes me infinitely happier.
  
  If you've got one who is the former, think hard about it, if it is the later, enjoy yourself in the meantime and know it's coming soon!

  

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• mlemoe03 member

  

  May 2012

  I'm not saying I'm in a rush to be married, or I'm pushing for an engagement before we're ready, I was really most discouraged about the buying a house situation. We put in the offer in November, and it was supposed to be settled by February, but the seller decided he didn't want to negotiate with the bank (it's a short sale) so we've been in limbo for quite a while and I was just overwhelmed with the feeling it wouldn't work out. And that was the main reason for the post. I'm happy in my relationship and I go through planning phases...I'im on my way out of this phase right now, just need something new to occupy my time lol.
  Thanks to everyone for your advice, even though some of it was snarky.

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• FreeSpirit666

  

  May 2012

  I agree with the rest, fingers crossed the sale goes through fast so your next step can be taken. Don't forget to live for today. My bf and I have a condo and everything is good. Marriage would be nice but with most marriages dissolving within the first 5 years, I'm not in any hurry  lol.

  

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