Just Engaged and Proposals
Options

frustrated!

My now fiance proposed to me on halloween, but with no ring. I thought he was joking and I said yes (i would have said yes even if I thought he was serious). He changed our status on facebook and told his friends. We went over to his parents house the next day and his mom asked about the facebook change. I told her that I didn't think he was serious because there was no ring and she thought that us getting engaged was a bad idea (both still in school and she refuses to admit he is no longer a child). Two weeks later, I was up in my room doing homework and he came in and proposed again WITH A BEAUTIFUL ring this time. I was super excited....but then he wasent. I wanted to go tell his sister and brother in law because we are super close to them, but he seemed like he didn't want to tell anyone he got a ring.
I asked him when he was going to tell his famiely because I thought that we should tell his family first and then mine after. And he said that we would when we were all together on thanksgiving. Thanksgiving came and went with out telling his parents. I don't know what to do. I am afraid that he is embaressed to tell his family. Anyone have any insight on my situation?
Wedding Countdown Ticker BabyFetus Ticker

Re: frustrated!

  • Options
    edited November 2010
    I think it's weird that he isn't telling his family about the ring. This would, to me, signal a red flag. When you say you're still in school, is this high school, college, graduate school? How old are you guys, how long have you been together?

    Have you actually asked him why he hasn't said anything? To me, that would be step one.
    Anniversary
  • Options
    We are in college. I am a senior and he is actually taking a leave of absence becasue he got a great job. I am 24 and he is 2 and we have been together for almost a year. We dont want to get married tommorw either. We are planning for either summer 2012 or summer 2013 depending on somethings.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker BabyFetus Ticker
  • Options
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_frustrated?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:aa6a1907-755a-4fb9-83a7-e4bca0906aa9Post:69ba90d9-6fff-4968-ba72-53877d71dd35">Re: frustrated!</a>:
    [QUOTE]We are in college. I am a senior and he is actually taking a leave of absence becasue he got a great job. I am 24 and he is 2 and we have been together for almost a year. We dont want to get married tommorw either. We are planning for either summer 2012 or summer 2013 depending on somethings.
    Posted by Cynthiajt1[/QUOTE]

    Well... I wouldn't say it's an age issue or a short dating time issue either. I'm very unsure what to tell you, as your know him best. Like I said, have you tried asking him yet for an explanation of why he didn't say something?
    Anniversary
  • Options
    I think it is a bit weird as well. Do his parents like you?

    If he is old enough to ask you to marry him, he is old enough to tell his parents that he is getting married.
  • Options
    I think that he is probably just afraid of getting crap from his mom. I love her, but she can be very overbaring at times. I am totally supportive of his feelings and what not, but I don't know what to do to try to get him comfortable telling his folks.....and the sooner we tell his parents, the sooner we can tell mine. He should be more worried about my familys reaction then his parents, lol.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker BabyFetus Ticker
  • Options
    edited November 2010
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_frustrated?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:aa6a1907-755a-4fb9-83a7-e4bca0906aa9Post:2b948dc6-f3cf-4ecc-9eec-a5e4865e7101">Re: frustrated!</a>:
    [QUOTE]I think that he is probably just afraid of getting crap from his mom. I love her, but she can be very overbaring at times. I am totally supportive of his feelings and what not, but I don't know what to do to try to get him comfortable telling his folks.....and the sooner we tell his parents, the sooner we can tell mine. He should be more worried about my familys reaction then his parents, lol.
    Posted by Cynthiajt1[/QUOTE]

    Does his family like you, and vice versa? I'm worried when you say that he should be worried about your families reactions.

     Another, did he spend an ungodly ammount on your ring that his parents would give him crap for? I have a friend whose family was upset when he proposed with a ring he had to go into a great deal of credit card debt for.

    EDIT: I also wouldn't hold off on telling your parents, that will probably make them mad (esp. if they aren't okay with this proposal). If he isn't going to tell his family, then you two need to go tell yours. And if you can't tell your families, then maybe you shouldn't be engaged yet!
    Anniversary
  • Options
    His family seems to love me and I like them alot too. My family is crazy. I am one of 3 girls and am the only one who hasent toally messed up there life. My mother refuse to accept anyone I date because she still thinks I would be better off with my ex (who I have been split from for 4 years). I think part of his fear is around the ring. He paid for it half in cash and half on a store charge card. I don't know how much he paid for it, bu tI would think it was more then 500.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker BabyFetus Ticker
  • Options
    edited November 2010
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_frustrated?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:aa6a1907-755a-4fb9-83a7-e4bca0906aa9Post:28f63bd7-7376-43de-8bde-7efbcae5fa34">Re: frustrated!</a>:
    [QUOTE]His family seems to love me and I like them alot too. My family is crazy. I am one of 3 girls and am the only one who hasent toally messed up there life. My mother refuse to accept anyone I date because she still thinks I would be better off with my ex (who I have been split from for 4 years). I think part of his fear is around the ring. He paid for it half in cash and half on a store charge card. I don't know how much he paid for it, bu tI would think it was more then 500.
    Posted by Cynthiajt1[/QUOTE]

    Well, because I don't know you, him, or your families I can't give much advice on this. But what I can tell you is that waiting to tell your families is a horrible decision and won't set your engagement off on the right foot. So I would make that happen- soon. It has almost been a month now since the proposal. Your mom needs to get over your ex, you obviously have... and that is a bad reason to dislike your FI.

    Second, I would confront him and ask for a direct reason of why he isn't telling his family. Don't take a beat around the bush answer, because if you guys can't talk through conflicts and issues than marriage is potentially not the right decision for you guys.

    Third, depending on how the above go,  you need to evaluate. You need to make sure you are both at the right point in your life for this, and if your families aren't going to support your decisions are you okay with that? 
    Anniversary
  • Options
    I think this is an issue that you really need to address with your FI. In my personal experience my FI was thrilled when we got engaged and calls to both my family and his family were made immediately.

    I think him not wanting to tell his family is a major red flag. If he is adult enough to propose and get married he needs to be adult enough to tell them he has proposed to you. If he is not mature enough to do that then he is not mature enough to be get married.

    You need to talk to him about this and the sooner the better.
  • Options
    redheadfsuredheadfsu member
    First Comment
    edited November 2010
    You need to tell both your parents asap (like tonight or tomorrow). If you are old enough to get married, you are old enough to deal with the consequences. You are only making it 100 times worse by waiting. I'm sure everyone will be hurt that you waited to tell them.

    You need to talk to your FI & not us. We can't tell you why he is unsure/not telling people. If you two are ready to get married, then you should be able to have an open, honest, and serious talks. Because it sounds like you two can't talk, I'm not sure your relationship is ready for marriage. I'm sorry, but if you can't ask him (or him tell you) what is wrong, you are not ready to be engaged to him.

    Planning Bio
    Married 9/15/11

    image
    *This is Not Legal Advice*
  • Options
    I have tried to talk to him. The new answer is "next time we go over." and for waiting to tell my parents....its something we need to do in person. One of my sisters got engaged and married with out my parents being told and they were very hurt. I don't want to call and tell them on the phone because I am hoping they will be excited and I want to be there for that. We are planning on going down this weekend. 
    Wedding Countdown Ticker BabyFetus Ticker
  • Options
    just got the why. he is afraid of his moms reaction
    Wedding Countdown Ticker BabyFetus Ticker
  • Options
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_frustrated?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:683Discussion:aa6a1907-755a-4fb9-83a7-e4bca0906aa9Post:982c0813-d3e4-460f-b343-141eff76c015">Re: frustrated!</a>:
    [QUOTE]just got the why. he is afraid of his moms reaction
    Posted by Cynthiajt1[/QUOTE]

    To me this this a big red flag.

    1. He isn't really communicating properly. <u>Why</u> is he afriad of her reaction?  How does he plan to handle it? You two need to have a long, serious, adult conservation about this.

    2. He needs to be able to stand up to his mother. (Not be rude or disrespectful, but he needs to act like an adult) Sounds like your future will be controlled/ dominated by your FMIL. He needs to be able to stand up to her for himself & for you. Until he can do that he is not ready to get married.

    Planning Bio
    Married 9/15/11

    image
    *This is Not Legal Advice*
  • Options
    If he is scared to tell his mom because he fears how she will react, I'd be concerned that he's not mature enough to handle getting married. If he knows this is what he wants, he needs to be able to tell his mother so. This should be a happy time for you both, you should be shouting your engagement from the rooftops, not hiding it from your loved ones.
  • Options
    We are having everyone over for dinner Friday and we will be telling them then :-)
    Wedding Countdown Ticker BabyFetus Ticker
  • Options
    I vote you DTMFA.  Seriously, if you wanted to date a 5 year old, I'm sure you'd look for courtships at your local kindergarten.

    I would be seriously insulted if my SO proposed to me and then refused to make it public.  Tell him to grow a pair.
  • Options
    I would say give him one more chance to tell the family.  If he doesn't, then the ring comes off and the engagement is off until he can do so.  It seems to me that his proposal may have been a bit spur-of-the-moment (considering he proposed first without a ring).  If this is the case, that is totally fine, but there is a slight possibility that he is regretting proposing now, in which case, that issue needs to be addressed.  It may not be a dealbreaker if he's not ready to be engaged yet, but you need to figure it out now.  The longer you let this go, the more upset you or your families are going to be.
    Image and video hosting by TinyPic
    Puppy Love
  • Options
    There was no ultimatium and I didn't push him. We have talked about the situation ang now have a solution. He is excited about being engaged....he was dragging me all of the city last week to introduce me to his friends as his finance. He mom can be very judgemental sometimes and go overboard with her opinions, so that was the reason for the delay in telling them.

    ...and Loves2shop3shoes.... you get no vote to "DTMFA." I am insulted that you compair him to a 5 year old. I am staying off of the boards here. Some of you are nice and give some good advice...and some of you come across very bitchy.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker BabyFetus Ticker
  • Options
    I think it's weird that he was ok with changing it on FB but then denied it when FMIL asked about it.  FB is a pretty public way of announcing it to everybody, so waiting to tell your families until you are in person seems counterintuitive.
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • Options
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_frustrated?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:aa6a1907-755a-4fb9-83a7-e4bca0906aa9Post:0eddce15-4ec6-4e9d-a252-74b56a4c9f36">Re: frustrated!</a>:
    [QUOTE]There was no ultimatium and I didn't push him. We have talked about the situation ang now have a solution. He is excited about being engaged....he was dragging me all of the city last week to introduce me to his friends as his finance. He mom can be very judgemental sometimes and go overboard with her opinions, so that was the reason for the delay in telling them. ...and Loves2shop3shoes.... you get no vote to "DTMFA." I am insulted that you compair him to a 5 year old. I am staying off of the boards here. Some of you are nice and give some good advice...and some of you come across very bitchy.
    Posted by Cynthiajt1[/QUOTE]

    Really??

    I don't see how anyone came across here as particularly bitchy, just quite blunt.

    I get that you want to think the best of your BF, and when you're in a relationship it can sometimes be hard to confront the red flags.  However, it's also important not to look at a situation with rose-colored glasses. 

    Part of being an adult is making adult decisions and dealing with the consequences.  It is not pleasant for your BF's mom to not approve of an engagement.  However, if he is adult enough to contemplate marriage to you (enough to propose to you), then he should be adult enough to tell his mother. He should be proud of marrying you, and be willing to tell the world, naysayers be damned.  You deserve that much, every woman does.  If your BF is trying to procrastinate.or put off telling his mother about the engagement, something is not right, and for him to wait and put it off is NOT okay..

    And if he is putting it off because omg he's scared of what mommy's gonna say, then that does in fact demonstrate he is not ready for marriage.  This will not be the last time there will be conflict, especially if his mom is as overbearing as you say.  And if it's taking this long for him to man up to tell her he's marrying you, then it's only going to get worse from here.  I guarantee.  I'm sure it's not what you want to hear, but I don't believe in blowing smoke up people's butts either.  I sincerely hope you value yourself enough to proceed with both eyes open.
  • Options
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_frustrated?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:683Discussion:aa6a1907-755a-4fb9-83a7-e4bca0906aa9Post:69ba90d9-6fff-4968-ba72-53877d71dd35">Re: frustrated!</a>:
    [QUOTE]We are in college. I am a senior and he is actually taking a leave of absence becasue he got a great job.<strong> I am 24 and he is 2 and we have been together for almost a year</strong>. We dont want to get married tommorw either. We are planning for either summer 2012 or summer 2013 depending on somethings.
    Posted by Cynthiajt1[/QUOTE]

    There's your problem, he's not even potty trained yet!

    Sorry, I had to. If he is serious, he should have realized he would be telling his mother and facing her reaction would come up. Does he plan on hiding the wedding also?
  • Options
    sorry for the error....he is 21 and potty trained...thank you.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker BabyFetus Ticker
  • Options

    Personally, I couldn't marry a guy that's afraid of his mommy. You may not like the way that was worded, but the truth is that's exactly what you have on your hands here: a guy that's afraid of his mommy.

    If his mom has a bad reaction, so what? It's not like she has the power to break off your engagement-if he really wants to marry you, nothing that comes out of her mouth can have any bearing on that. If he really can't handle the mere possibility of parental criticism at this point, then he's not mature enough to get married.


    If you fire a WP member, you're against America.
    image

    "Meg cracks me up on the regular. Now she gets to do it in two different forums. Yay!!" ~mkrupar
  • Options
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_frustrated?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:aa6a1907-755a-4fb9-83a7-e4bca0906aa9Post:2325f194-cf82-4389-b1e7-cd3304b1f1bf">Re: frustrated!</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: frustrated! : <strong>There's your problem, he's not even potty trained yet!</strong> Sorry, I had to. If he is serious, he should have realized he would be telling his mother and facing her reaction would come up. Does he plan on hiding the wedding also?
    Posted by MLekathLEEN[/QUOTE]


    hahahahah!!!
    South Florida July Siggy Challenge-Bouquet image . image image ................. Invited:120image Attending:121 image Declined:001image Not Yet Replied:0image RSVP Date: July 25th Ready to Roll!!
  • Options
    we told his parents last week. She wacked him on the head and told us we should have called right after her proposed, but was happy for us. The only slightly negative comment was about my ring. She thinks he should have saved up longer and gotten me something bigger, but I love this one so its okay. Thanks for all of the judgement.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker BabyFetus Ticker
  • Options
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_frustrated?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:aa6a1907-755a-4fb9-83a7-e4bca0906aa9Post:7dd4176e-34c0-4d0a-a0af-be0977cc0e24">Re: frustrated!</a>:
    [QUOTE]we told his parents last week. She wacked him on the head and told us we should have called right after her proposed, but was happy for us. The only slightly negative comment was about my ring. She thinks he should have saved up longer and gotten me something bigger, but I love this one so its okay. Thanks for all of the judgement.
    Posted by Cynthiajt1[/QUOTE]
    The fact that he had to work up the courage to tell her at all (and it seems like you pushed him into doing it) is the red flag, and something you need to really pay attention to before you go any further.  20 different people wouldn't be telling you this if there wasn't some grain of truth to it, and the fact that you're getting so defensive about it tells me that you see it too.
    Courtesy of megk8oz
    image
    "I think bablingbrooke is the 13 yr old marring her cousin at the town hall. Lets all give her a big hand. And hope her inbred children can live normal lives." -tabs.

    A word of warning from your friends at Cracked.com: Remember that text is going to be how you make your first impression over the internet; if every third word you type is misspelled, people will automatically assume that you're a moron.
  • Options
    I hope this works out for you. I really do.
    My mother's marriage to my father is not strong at all. A lot of that is due to the fact that he refused to stand up to his mother's constant insults and nagging at her for 20+ years. That left my mother with a lot of bitterness...both towards her husband and mother in law.
    Before you get married, have a talk with your fiance and make sure he will stand up for you above all else. And then make sure he's showing it.
    Just some friendly advice. :)
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards