How to ask the bridesmaids...

kirstenr · May 2010

I'll be having four of my cousins and my best friend stand up in my wedding (as well as my sister, but she A) lives with me and

has known she'd be my MOH forever). The cousins all live 7 hours away, and the best friend lives about 13 hours away. I just got engaged, and I'm hoping for an October 2011 wedding.

Okay, after all that preamble, here's the question: do I wait until I can see these girls in person at the same time (most likely that would be Christmastime) to ask them to be my bridesmaids, or do I send them something cute in the mail to ask them? I've been seeing a lot of cute ideas for how your girls asked all of your attendants to stand up, so I'm hoping for some etiquette advice as well as fun ideas!

Licia&Wayne · May 2010

Well, first of all, wait until you're about a year or less out from your wedding. There are plenty of stories on this board about why you shouldn't ask earlier than that. Relationships/feelings change over time, so hold off for now.

Once you are ready to ask them, it's probably better to ask them individually, in case anyone cannot be in your wedding party (due to money issues, personal issues, travel issues, etc.). This allows them the comfort of speaking only to you and discussing their situation.

You may wish to call them or meet up with them, but definitely do the asking in person or over the phone. That way you can be a part of the emotion. It's fine to get/make them a card (I did, because I'm not so articulate when I'm nervous), but I recommend speaking to them to ask and giving the card as a supplement to your asking.

Don't worry about being creative or unique in the way you ask them. The honor is being asked, not in how they are asked.

mbcdefg · May 2010

Definitely wait until you have more solid wedding plans in place.

You can't really ask someone to participate in something unless you can tell them the date and the location. You won't have a definite date until you book the ceremony and reception locations (sign contracts and put down deposits), so that comes first.

Plus, since you are newly engaged (congrats!), I'm guessing you don't have a lot of details hammered out yet, right? Such as an approximate guest list, the feel/formality of the wedding, a budget to work with? All of this can partly affect who you ask to be in your wedding ... you don't want to ask a bunch of bridal party members only to decide later on that you want a very small and intimate wedding where a big bridal party wouldn't make sense. Plus you'll have to buy flowers and thank you gifts for these people, plus factor in the cost of limo space, rehearsal dinner meals for them and their significant others, and anything else you may wind up paying for for them (hotel rooms, hair and makeup, accessories, etc.).

Finally, there's no need to ask your BP members more than about 8-10 months before your wedding. Read through this board for examples of why waiting is a good idea. A *lot* of people come here saying that they asked more than a year in advance and are now regretting it, because people changed when they got engaged (even lifelong friends), or their bridesmaids got wedding burnout from being asked so early on, or the bride/groom had unrealistic expectations of the bridal party members and scretching that to 1 year+ made the friendships suffer. Your BMs won't need more than about 4-5 months to get a dress, and the guys only need a month or two for tuxes.

When the time comes to ask ... ask however you want. I just plain ol' asked my two bridesmaids ... I never heard of sending a gift or a card until I started chatting here. If that fits their personalities, go for it ... otherwise, a phone call is perfectly fine. Me and my friends are not sentimental people, so a gift or a sappy card wouldn't have made sense for us.

bablingbrooke · May 2010

Wait until Christmastime to ask them, whether over the phone or in person. I'm not a fan of "cute" things in the mail because 1) for people over the age of 17 it seems more awkward than genuine and 2) you don't get to hear their reaction. If you guys normally do this sort of thing then by all means go for it. But since you're asking the question, I get the impression that this isn't the sort of thing that would be natural between you and your friends.

Remember that for them the honor is in BEING asked, not in HOW they are asked. I have been asked to be a BM over the phone twice (since I lived OOT from the brides) and both times I felt honored and thrilled. I didn't need any sort of memento--it was more than enough to be asked. I asked all my BMs over the phone and I never got the impression that it was a disappointing way to be asked. Not everything about the wedding has to be its own "event", know what I mean?

kirstenr · May 2010

Okay, thanks for the ideas-- cutesy is out. There was a bit of a precedent set by my cousin, who is getting married this summer, but I really feel it's more my personality to just be simple and straightforward with it instead of doing a gimmick.

Just to clarify though, the reason my bridal party is my family is precisely what you're saying here: friendships can be jeopardized, but my family will always be my family. Save for the best friend, I really don't feel that it's dangerous to tell the girls ahead of time. (Not that I plan to do it, like, immediately, but I'm just saying).

mbcdefg · May 2010

I hear what you're saying, but a lot of people have also had problems with sisters and cousins.

And it wasn't so much that people wished they hadn't asked sisters and cousins at all (though some people have said that they wish they hadn't) ... a lot of people just mentioned that they wish they hadn't asked so soon. Especially if you have the type of personality where you're going to be telling them about stuff right away or talking about dresses soon. Again, a lot of people get wedding burnout ... they might always be happy for the bride, but they don't necessarily want to hear about wedding plans for over 12 months.

Either way, though, get your date and locations set before asking anyone. It's not at all bad to think about your bridal party at this stage in the game, but don't ask them just yet because you have more important things to do at this point. Get the major wedding details hammered out and then concentrate on the bridesmaids. (And, no, you do not need an even number of groomsmen, so don't set numbers for each side and then set out to fill them. Each of you should ask who you want, and let them numbers wind up however they may.)

loop0406 · May 2010

I'm a bride but if I was going to be asked to be bridesmaid, I would like it through the mail, would be unique

bablingbrooke · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_ask-bridesmaids-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:44fdeabc-51ca-4e76-936f-cae4d1c64cf2Post:21c94fc7-5413-4b90-a568-cb56beef2cf7">Re: How to ask the bridesmaids...</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm a bride but if I was going to be asked to be bridesmaid, I would like it through the mail, would be unique
Posted by loop0406[/QUOTE]
Asking a BM via "cute little card" through the mail is hardly unique. Just sayin'. OP should do what feels right for her, which in her case is to just ask them.

kirstenr · May 2010

Thanks everyone-- it's nice to have a group of people with varied opinions to ask questions.

I think I've decided that you're all right. I'll wait until around Christmas, and ask each girl in person... but also maybe include a red rose and a card or something, since they're all super-sappy kinds of girls. Me, not so much, but I aim to please

banana468 · May 2010

I'm going to echo PPs - particularly malphabet.

Wait until you're under a year away and you have an actual wedding booked.

trix1223 · May 2010

Ditto other ladies. Wait to ask. And in the coming months until your wedding, the clever marketers of the inflated wedding industry will try to convince you to turn EVERYTHING about your wedding into a "production" or it won't be special, unique, meaningful, or memorable.

Everything about your wedding will be special, unique, meaningful, and memorable because it's YOUR wedding. Will your WP feel more unique or special if you give them a cookie shaped like a dress than if you ask them? I'm sure not. But the wedding magazines and websites would have you believe otherwise.

And for the pp who would rather be asked via mail: why? I'm surprised that you think a card received from the USPS would be more personal than a phone call. To me, mail is the height of IMpersonal.

mbcdefg · May 2010

If they'd like the rose, then that's a very nice gesture.

bonnyandtim · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_ask-bridesmaids-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:44fdeabc-51ca-4e76-936f-cae4d1c64cf2Post:af31bea8-18c1-449a-89d6-0b20eb4ef822">Re: How to ask the bridesmaids...</a>:
[QUOTE] The honor is being asked, not in how they are asked.
Posted by Licia&Wayne[/QUOTE]

TOTALLY. I would have been stuck!

My sister/MOH lives with me & WAS AT THE PROPOSAL, so of course she was assumed.

Same assumption for my cousin/BM. I called her to tell her about my engagement before Facebook did.

My BFF, I asked over the phone because we were going dress shopping the next day :-P.

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