Moms and Maids

Compromise or Draw a Line?

I just recently got engaged (just over a week ago) and have come up with several ideas of what I want and when and where I want it.  Well, I met with my mom for dinner last weekend for the first time since the engagement (which she was not particularly ecstatic about, but what can you do?) and her ideas immediately started butting heads with mine on just about every key point.  I'm learning compromise, but one thing that is really bothering me is her thoughts on the timing.

Originally my fiance and I had talked (even before the engagement) about sometime during Fall 2011.  Well, mom only wants a "spring" wedding (she's talking May or June, which I'm from Alabama and that, to me, is SUMMER), and she knows full well that there is no way that we can get married this spring since I will be working full-time over 2 hours away from my fiance through April while graduating in December. 

The other side of this is that my fiance will not finish his teaching certificate until December of 2011.  He has his bachelors and works 2 jobs and does well for himself right now, but for some reason, everyone is so stuck on this "finish school first" thing, even though we would be able to support ourselves wherever it is we end up.  I'm in my late 20's and he's in his early 30's and we're ready for the commitment.  Regardless of when we plan the marriage, I will definitely be moving in with him after I'm finished with my degree and this job.  So my argument is, "we may as well go ahead and tie the knot since we're only planning on doing the same thing while he's finishing school anyways."  How do I explain that to my mom?  How do I put my foot down when she thinks he HAS to finish school when, like I said, he's already got his degree?  Do I bargain with her with other key points about the wedding (ex: I'll only get married in my hometown if....)? Am I just caring too much what people (specifically my mom) think?

Re: Compromise or Draw a Line?

  • aerinpegadrakaerinpegadrak
    10000 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
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    edited December 2011
    Is Mom paying?  If yes, compromise.  If no, draw a line.
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  • edited December 2011
    Yeah, if your mom is contributing she should get some say, and even if she isn't I would still hear some of her ideas out just to be kind-even if you don't like them or plan on using them.  However, maybe try to limit how much you talk to her about certain details.  Obviously she will want to know when and where, but whether or not you are having roses or daisies doesn't matter but could be a detail that starts and argument.

    I would just limit how much you talk to her about it if she isn't contributing financially.  Also, if she is putting forth some cash encourage her to designate it toward something specific, that way she can't guilt you about everything.  She could pay for the cake or something and that way you, FI, and mom could go to the consultation together, she could have a little input, and feel she is getting to help make some decisions.

    Sorry if that isn't helpful.  My mom has been pretty laid back about it all so I haven't had first hand experience with this.
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  • trix1223trix1223
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    edited December 2011
    If you're in your late 20's and he's in his early 30's, it's time to stand up for yourselves to your mom.  If you're old enough to get married, and you are, you're old enough to say "Mom, this is what is right for us.  We hope you'll understand and come to a place where you can support our decision."

    If she says she won't pay, then plan the wedding you can pay for yourselves, and get married when you want to.

    Really, you're adults.  Act like adults.
    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
  • edited December 2011
    Agree with all of the above posts.  Do it with a loving heart and a generous spirit and then see what happens next!
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  • Kristin789Kristin789
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    edited December 2011
    So you graduate in December, and have a job that runs until April 2011.

    Why can't you get married in May or June 2011?

    And I see that FI will finish his teaching cert in Dec of 2011, so you could get married in May or June of 2012, right?
  • edited December 2011
    Like above, I'm curious to know what your hurry is.  I know sometimes people need the health insurance or other benefits, but if you're just eager then I think everyone on here can promise you that you'll be happier if you wait and have a comfortable amount of time to plan this day.  Read through these boards, you will see many a bride complaining that she got a quickie wedding and later wants a "real" wedding with a real dress and bridal party.  It's really a time to savor.  I'm not saying wait five years, but you will be much more relaxes and at ease in this process if you're not constantly rushing it.

    With your mom, she does have a degree of say in what goes on if she's paying.  If she's not, it's absolutely not a concern, but I think you do need to try to find common ground if she's paying.  That doesn't mean necessarily giving up your vision, but a lot of moms have a different vision for their daughter and sometimes it's hard for them to accept that their idea of a beautiful wedding might not be what suits their daughter's personality.  If you and your mom have always been at odds, this might be a bigger issue, but if you have mostly gotten along then I would really try to find some areas where you can agree and focus on those.
  • tlbattagliatlbattaglia
    Fifth Anniversary 1000 Comments Combo Breaker
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    edited December 2011
    I say even if your mom is paying, your opinion should still hold more ground than hers. 
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  • lalap69lalap69
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    edited December 2011
    In Response to Re: Compromise or Draw a Line?:
    If you're in your late 20's and he's in his early 30's, it's time to stand up for yourselves to your mom.  If you're old enough to get married, and you are, you're old enough to say "Mom, this is what is right for us.  We hope you'll understand and come to a place where you can support our decision." If she says she won't pay, then plan the wedding you can pay for yourselves, and get married when you want to. Really, you're adults.  Act like adults.
    Posted by trix1223
    Agree with Trix 100%.
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  • edited December 2011
    Thanks for the advice, everyone.  The issue I'm having isn't so much standing up to my mother, it's more choosing battles.  We get along really well and I hate to ruin that through all of this, though I know the butting of heads will occur.  But my future husband and I have no qualms with a simple trip to the courthouse or whatever kind of quick and easy thing if problems get out of hand.  If anything, I'm just wondering if this is something really worth putting my foot down on and possibly causing problems or if it's something that everyone looks back on as not a big deal.

    Thanks again!
  • garggrlgarggrl
    100 Comments
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    edited December 2011
    Honestly, it's about you getting married, sharing the love you guys have with the people close to you, and just being happy.
    On the finishing school thing, I'm 21 and my furture husband is almost 22, and of course we haven't finished school yet. We love each other and want to be married, school has nothing to do with it! If the people saying "finish school first" really care and love you, they will in the end, it's not about school, it's about what you two think is best for yourselves.
    On the picking you battles, it isn't really a battle, if spring not when you two want to get married, don't get married then. Like I said earlier, the people who love and care about you, with show up no matter when it is!
    Also, if she isn't paying, she really shouldn't have to much of a say. I went through this with my mother, she wants and still wants us to wait a few more years to get married. She wants us to finish school and (how do I put this) be older to get married. But we want to get married, and she is sooooooo happy for us and supports us more than anyone else does. So in the end, it's really up to you two, and the support and understanding will come, trust me!


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  • lharri12lharri12
    500 Comments
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    edited December 2011

    You re-posted and did not answer the one question that everyone asked you.  We cannot answer your question until we know if she is contributing financially to the wedding.

    If you want to have the wedding you want without having to compromise with her, pay for it yourselves.

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  • edited December 2011
    I think it's obvious what the difference between whether or not she's paying would make on the situation.  Truth is, she and I really haven't talked about it yet, but if this issue makes her choose not to help financially, then I know we'll pay for it and do everything the way we want to.
  • TheCranberryTheCranberry
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    edited December 2011
    In Response to Re: Compromise or Draw a Line?:
    I say even if your mom is paying, your opinion should still hold more ground than hers. 
    Posted by tlbattaglia
    I agree with this too, but sometimes people with the money use it to make sure they have control over every little decision.  It's sad but true. 
  • BudnotesBudnotes
    100 Comments
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    edited December 2011
    If your mom is contributing or paying for the wedding, definitely compromise.  If it's all on your dime - go for what you want! 
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  • edited December 2011
    I think it is fine to get married while still completeing your education.. especially at your age.  I would only advise differenly if you were under the age of 22.  I went to 8 years of post high school education- and a LOT of people married during the last stretch of it.  Your life doesn't need to go on hold just because you don't have the traditional 9-5 job.  Really- the only exception to this rule is if either of you were still very dependent on your parents.. which doesn't seem to be the case.

    As for the wedding compromising.. everyone has different dynamics with their family.. but it really comes down to who is paying.  Sadly- if she is footing the bill - she gets a lot of say.  If she is contributing some money- but not all.. the art of compromise becomes important.

    I think it is weird that she has her foot stuck in the mud about the wedding month/day... that is something I always considered the bride's/groom's regardless of who was paying.

    Try not to figure out too many details yet- let her get settled into the idea that this is happening- with or without her blessing/persmission.  She will come around eventually.

    Congrats!!
  • pantinkinspantinkins
    10 Comments
    member
    edited December 2011
    Maybe you two could talk about what she likes about the season she wants and see if you can incorporate those aspects into your wedding regardless of the actual date you set. I say stand your ground because it sounds like you have a good reason for the time you want. Just be sure to give yourself enough time to plan all the things you want/need, otherwise it will be a whirlwind of stress for both you and your mom.
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  • briemosh briemosh
    First Comment
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    edited December 2011
    draw a big fat line!! im serious ! haha.. im getting married this sunday and im so happy that i did not let a single soul tell me what to do and im am just so happy that everything fell together the way we wanted ! you'll be so miserable if you let people make choices for you...the big things that you care about ...you decide...but the details that  dont matter to you let some one else if it really matters to them decide on a decision.......rule number one ! dont let anyone ruin your year  or your day!!! its such a happy time and remind people what they are celebrating! your love for each other!!!
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