Maryland-Baltimore

FSIL and her sone...reposted from April Board...argh!!!!

My FI's sister called last night. She has two kids one is a ring bearer for us the other one is 13 and is a Junior Groomsman and reading a poem we selected for him toread during the ceremony. She called FI not me and said that her sone does not want toread the poem we selected and wants to read one of his choosing. I do not like this idea at all. I feel like it is letting a teenage dictate what is done at my wedding. FI is ok with it but when I explained how Ifelt he was understanding and just said we get to have veto power.
I am being "bridezillaish" by saying that I don't like this? Is this inconsiderate of his sister to do this to us? She has been difficult since all the planning started...wanting to change the dress I selected and not wanting to spend the money...saying they don't have it, when they are driving around a new BMW and just bought a fancy new house a year ago. She has always been the "spoiled" one in his family and xpected everyone to cater to her.
I really just needed to get this out. Thanks!!!
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Re: FSIL and her sone...reposted from April Board...argh!!!!

  • edited December 2011
    When it comes to a reading in YOUR wedding ceremony, YOU have the choice of what is read.  A lot of the time, readings mean something special to the bride and groom.  There are so many out there, but I picked one that when I read it, it just sounded like "us."

    You are not at all out of line.  I would have your FI explain this to his sister, how the reading is something special that you and he chose to honor your relationship.  If the sister and nephew still have a problem, find someone else who would be more than happy to do the reading.

    When people are asked to be a part in a wedding, they start to have all of their own opinions of how things should be.  She needs to realize that this is one aspect that she cannot choose.  This is a bit of a "tough love" approach, but I'm sorry, if it were happening to me, I wouldn't back down.
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  • edited December 2011
    Maybe you could at least offer to consider the poem he's chosen?  I think I would at least ask what the poem was before you completely veto and ask him if there is any special reson he wants to read it.  Maybe it will surprise you and turn out to be a nice poem you hadn't seen or considered before.

    And if not, I think you absolutely do have veto power.  But I would do it in a nice way.  Don't do the, "It's MY wedding and I want this one."  Say it more along the lines of, "That's a great poem, but I've had my heart set on this one for so long, I don't know if I can give it up."
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  • edited December 2011
    He does not have a poem selected, he wants to look for one that he just likes. SO there is no meaning behind the poem. The one we selected means a lot to us and is representative of our relationship. It also mentions God and faith a lot, which are important to FI and I. His sister and son are very "new ageie" and don't believe in organized religon so I am sure that is one of the reasons they don't like to poem.
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  • edited December 2011
    I think you are over-reacting a bit.  For one thing, their financial situation didn't need to be brought into this at all (and did you consider the fact that house and car payments may be WHY they couldn't afford certain items?).  I also think he has a right to say he doesn't like a reading.  When I asked people to do readings, I actually gave them a list to choose from, and even if I had had one selected I would have said something like, "Are you comfortable reading this?"

    I suggest that you pull together a few things that you like, with varying lengths and difficulty, and ask him to select one.  You can also say that he is welcome to look for some on his own, but that you would like to see it first and make sure it's something that you and your FI like and that fits into your ceremony.  You could also tell him that if he's not comfortable speaking at the wedding, he doesn't have to do it. But say it in a nice way, not a, "This is MY wedding" way.

    I do think that the readings should be meaningful to you and to your FI.  But being the bride doesn't mean you get to boss people around and air their dirty laundry all over the internet just because they disagree with you.
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  • edited December 2011
    I disagree LauraT. I do not feel that a 13 year old get the freedom of choice to select a poem to read at a wedding. He is not old enough to do this or mature enough to select responsibly. I am basically gonna let him go through the motions of picking one, but plannin gon vetoing it...no matter what. I have been waiting for this day for a long itme and do not feel like having a 13 year old dictating to me what he will and will not read.
    If he is not comfortable than he doesn't have to read and I can find someone else.
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  • edited December 2011
    In Response to Re: FSIL and her sone...reposted from April Board...argh!!!!:
    I disagree LauraT. I do not feel that a 13 year old get the freedom of choice to select a poem to read at a wedding. He is not old enough to do this or mature enough to select responsibly. I am basically gonna let him go through the motions of picking one, but plannin gon vetoing it...no matter what. I have been waiting for this day for a long itme and do not feel like having a 13 year old dictating to me what he will and will not read. If he is not comfortable than he doesn't have to read and I can find someone else.
    Posted by Mary Susan and Chris
    He's not dictating what he will read if he asks you if he can read something else, and you have the option of saying you don't like it.  I think it's unfair to make it seem like he's being overly bossy if he simply said he is uncomfortable with the reading that you chose.  If you don't think he is old enough or mature enough to select a reading, perhaps you shouldn't have asked him to do a reading in the first place.

    What is the reading that you selected for him?  I think it's likely that he doesn't feel comfortable with the reading for some reason (it's too long, has difficult words, is religious and he's not, overly mushy, whatever).  Maybe you can ask him what about the reading makes him uncomfortable, and offer to find something that you and your FI still like, but that doesn't have those same qualities.  You may want to ask if it's just that he doesn't want to do the reading at all, because it could be that, too.
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  • edited December 2011
    Ditto everything LauraT has said.

    It makes sense that your FSIL called your FI- he's her brother.  It sounds like the reading the son doesn't want to do is a reading that does not coincide with his beliefs.  I would probably not be comfortable with doing that, personally.  Either look for something else for him to read or let him present several selections and choose one, and have someone else read the original poem.

    Does your FSIL have legitimate concerns about the dress in terms of fit or price, or is she just really picky about what she wears?  If it's fit or price, her concerns should be considered.  She is the one who has to buy and wear this dress.  A dress should be within the budgets of all BMs - the price really shouldn't be dictated by the bride unless the bride is paying for all of the dress or the cost of the dress beyond the BMs' budgets.

    How her family spends money really isn't your business and shouldn't be used to justify a dress that costs more than she is comfortable with.  You probably don't know the ins and outs of all of their regular or unexpected expenses.  Also, some people sacrifice in one area to have something nice in another.  Someone might be willing to spend a lot more on a purchase that will be used daily in the long term like a house or car than something that will be worn once like a BM dress.
  • iamstephiamsteph
    100 Comments
    member
    edited December 2011
    PP's have said it, and I agree with it - at least let him show you what he might choose. Maybe he would like to find one he thinks fits you and the groom. 

    I think it's awesome that he's taking an initiative to show he cares, instead of not caring at all.
    Married December 18th, 2010 :)
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to Re: FSIL and her sone...reposted from April Board...argh!!!!:
    PP's have said it, and I agree with it - at least let him show you what he might choose. Maybe he would like to find one he thinks fits you and the groom.  I think it's awesome that he's taking an initiative to show he cares, instead of not caring at all.
    Posted by iamsteph
    That's a really good point, I didn't even think about that. 
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  • edited December 2011
    In Response to Re: FSIL and her sone...reposted from April Board...argh!!!!:
    What is the reading that you selected for him?  I think it's likely that he doesn't feel comfortable with the reading for some reason (it's too long, has difficult words, is religious and he's not, overly mushy, whatever).  Maybe you can ask him what about the reading makes him uncomfortable, and offer to find something that you and your FI still like, but that doesn't have those same qualities.  You may want to ask if it's just that he doesn't want to do the reading at all, because it could be that, too.
    Posted by LauraT25
    Agree. If you force him to do a reading that he is uncomfortable with thennot only will he be unhappy, but ultimately you will be unhappy when you see him up there reading it with a bored/unhappy expression and lack of enthusiasm in his voice. I think you should A) consider changing the reading to one that everyone is happy with, or B) choose a new reader who does like it and will give you the enthusiasm that you deserve on your special day.
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  • edited December 2011
    If you want a religious reading, it's unfair to expect a nonreligious person to do one, especially after he's already expressed his discomfort.  Sure, he might have been okay with it, but since he's not, I would either choose something nonreligious for your nephew to read, or find a different reader. 

    If he doesn't want to do the reading, you have to decide whether the reading or the reader is more important.  I DO understand that it's something special to you, and you have the right to choose the reading, but you can't force him.
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  • edited December 2011
    Thanks for your opinions. I am going to allow him to look at poems but am pretty sure that I will not approve any of them. A 13 year old boy does not understand love or the meaning of it and thus is not mature enough to select a poem to be read. And this is my wedding day not his. So that being said, I respect your opinions but this is mine.
    BabyFruit Ticker
  • iamstephiamsteph
    100 Comments
    member
    edited December 2011
    In Response to Re: FSIL and her sone...reposted from April Board...argh!!!!:
    Thanks for your opinions. I am going to allow him to look at poems but am pretty sure that I will not approve any of them. A 13 year old boy does not understand love or the meaning of it and thus is not mature enough to select a poem to be read. And this is my wedding day not his. So that being said, I respect your opinions but this is mine.
    Posted by Mary Susan and Chris

    I'm pretty sure I woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning, but this post really annoys me.

    How about you don't patronize a 13 year old? You're going to "allow" him to look at poems, but I can already tell you aren't going to consider anything he finds. He may actually find a poem that suits you and the groom to a tee, but I have a feeling you'd reject it just to spite him and his mom. 

    Why don't you just find a new puppet to do your reading, since you're not even willing to give this kid a chance.

    Married December 18th, 2010 :)
  • edited December 2011
    My advice is to remember to keep things in perspective. It's easy to get bogged down in the details... but remember, it's a day to celebrate you and your fiance's love and to have great memories to look back on with your family and friends. When you ask people to participate in your wedding, they are doing you a favor. It does not mean you can make them do things they either can't afford or are uncomfortable doing. Hopefully you care enough about the poeple you have honored to be in your wedding enough to respect their concerns.  I think it's great that he wants to be in the wedding and, although he doesn't want to read your selection, he is showing maturity in offering to bring something else to the table. Try to keep and open mind!
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    "Life is what happens to you while your busy making other plans." -John Lennon
  • nancyrn526nancyrn526
    10 Comments
    member
    edited December 2011
    I think it is your wedding and you and FI should pick readings that are meaningful to YOU.  It is YOUR wedding.  I would personally want to know why the 13 y/o doesn't want to read what you chose but ultimately you have the say.  I think a lot of people on here are being hyper-critical.  If he's not religious but you are, I don't think you should have to remove a religious reading to cater to someone else.  If that's the reason, have him do another reading and pick someone else for the reason you chose.  I'm no bridezilla by any means, but I would not let a 13 y/o dictate something that is obviously important to you.  Deep breath! Talk about it and hope you come up with a solution
  • edited December 2011
    Thanks Nancy for understanding. As it turns out it is not the kid who doesn't like the poem it is his mother. So it is not him trying to control our wedding it is her. She got married  year aog and eloped nd did not have a ceremony. If she wanted to control a ceremony she should have had one.
    It has gotten even more out of control...without asking what I wanted him to wear she went out and bought her 2 year old a champagne clored suit to wear as one of our three ring bearers. I had decided they would all wear blacj pants, black dress shoes and a white dress shirt and we are renting them the vest to match teh groomsmen. I am doing this because one of my nephews has a traech, from brain cancer treatments, so they would all look alike. She is anry since she already bought the suit. Even her mother told her she should have consulted me before she bought. Her own mother told her it was my wedding to plan and make dcisions on not hers, but she doesn't seem to care. So I guess I have a "bridesmaidzilla" on my hands.
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  • troesch1troesch1
    10 Comments
    member
    edited December 2011
    Before I got to your last post, I was going to suggest you talk to your nephew directly. Him having input and you getting a gage of his feelings towards it will probably help it go smoother than a bitter betty translating between you two. Maybe compromise and ask him to do a 2nd reading of his choice(with your approval) that's a limited length? He'll prob appreciate being talked to like an adult and you get your reading done...just let it go a bit with his choice: even if it's from a cheesy pop song it'll still be kinda fun
  • edited December 2011
    Why don't you choose someone else to do the reading that is special to you and your FI and allow him to have some input on the reading he is doing. Or at least give him several other options you are comfortable with.

    As a religious person, would you feel comfortable with a reading that espoused blatant pagan themes and ideals, or something else that was obviously against your beliefs? Now you might suck it up and deal with it because some people are able to put their feelings aside in such situations, but I just don't think it is right to force him to do so. And if that is the real reason he doesn't want to do the reading, fthen rankly I am pretty impressed with his maturity. He is standing up for what he believes in, how is that immature?

    I also don't get the notion that 13 year olds "don't know what love is"..I'm not saying his ideas about love will be the same as an adult's. I just don't buy into the notion that there is some arbitrary age at which we all start to "understand" love. Give him a chance.
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