WR: Perhaps I Should Post on Etiquette?

minskat30 · March 2013

Perhaps I should post this on the "Etiquette" board but I really only post here mostly.

I just had a friend, who RSVP'd for my wedding with FI for her and her husband, tell me that her husband wouldn't come. I'm a little hurt that he doesn't want to come, as I've known the couple for a long time and he could come if he wanted to. She felt bad about it, appologized and I told her it wasn't a big deal.

Of course, with a week and a few days out, seating charts have already been made, placecards printed, meals/linens/flowers/favors/etc. paid for but, in the end, I'm happy my friend is able to come. It got me to thinking that this might happen with a few other people...what did you do (will you do) with no-shows? If they don't let you know or apologize for not coming, did you say anything to them? I think its more about feeling hurt if someone can come to your wedding but chooses not to (i.e., isn't sick, no emergency, etc.) vs the money.

[Deleted User] · March 2013

I'm not planning to do anything about no-shows. Out of curiosity, what do you think you should be doing?

In my opinion, everyone has a choice what they want to do with their time. I would hope that if they RSVP'd they would have the courtesy to come since obviously the bride and groom will be paying for their meal, but honestly it's still their decision. They don't owe you any explanation IMHO. If they RSVP no, well that's their decision. No one in your life is required to attend your wedding just because you really want them to. At least they had the courtesy to let you know well in advance of caterers/venues needing your numbers.

If you do have no-shows at your wedding, I'd just let it go. Most people wouldn't no-show without feeling awful and calling ahead (if possible) anyway.

Elle1036 · March 2013

I had two people cancel on me the week before and a few total no-shows. Nobody I was extremely close to, but still people who had RSVPed "yes" and whom I was looking forward to seeing.

I haven't done anything to address it, nor do I think you should, but I can see why you're a little stung. I feel like I'm owed a few apologies I know I'm not going to get.

audrewuh · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_wr-perhaps-i-should-post-on-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:6c9680a1-8ea3-487b-8c52-f64159c5cc3cPost:22934930-b3ca-48e5-9b04-17b46d65c1b8">Re: WR: Perhaps I Should Post on Etiquette?</a>:
[QUOTE]I had two people cancel on me the week before and a few total no-shows. Nobody I was extremely close to, but still people who had RSVPed "yes" and whom I was looking forward to seeing. I haven't done anything to address it, nor do I think you should, but I can see why you're a little stung. <strong> I feel like I'm owed a few apologies I know I'm not going to get.</strong>
Posted by Elle1036[/QUOTE]

<div>This is how I would feel. </div><div>
</div><div>I actually was on the fence about inviting a colleague of mine until I heard he has a repuatation for RSVPing "yes" and then no showing. Like, an incredibly good track record of it. </div>

minskat30 · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_wr-perhaps-i-should-post-on-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:6c9680a1-8ea3-487b-8c52-f64159c5cc3cPost:8baa2942-322d-4fd7-87bc-5e1db4426765">Re: WR: Perhaps I Should Post on Etiquette?</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm not planning to do anything about no-shows. Out of curiosity, what do you think you should be doing? In my opinion, everyone has a choice what they want to do with their time. I would hope that if they RSVP'd they would have the courtesy to come since obviously the bride and groom will be paying for their meal, but honestly it's still their decision. They don't owe you any explanation IMHO. If they RSVP no, well that's their decision. No one in your life is required to attend your wedding just because you really want them to. At least they had the courtesy to let you know well in advance of caterers/venues needing your numbers. If you do have no-shows at your wedding, I'd just let it go. Most people wouldn't no-show without feeling awful and calling ahead (if possible) anyway.
Posted by allusive007[/QUOTE]

Well, our final payments/numbers were due about a week ago but that doesn't really matter as much as the sting of an "Eh, I don't really care to come" attitude after you RSVP "yes". Not sure what I should do about it and was just wondering how others dealt with it.

Again, I brushed that situation off and told her it was ok and not to stress about it....I agree with you that most people would feel terrible no-showing without calling ahead.

minskat30 · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_wr-perhaps-i-should-post-on-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:6c9680a1-8ea3-487b-8c52-f64159c5cc3cPost:22934930-b3ca-48e5-9b04-17b46d65c1b8">Re: WR: Perhaps I Should Post on Etiquette?</a>:
[QUOTE]I had two people cancel on me the week before and a few total no-shows. Nobody I was extremely close to, but still people who had RSVPed "yes" and whom I was looking forward to seeing. I haven't done anything to address it, nor do I think you should, but I can see why you're a little stung. I feel like I'm owed a few apologies I know I'm not going to get.
Posted by Elle1036[/QUOTE]

Fair point, I'm far more likely to not address it as I hate conflict. Did the topic of the wedding ever come up with the people who didn't no-show to your wedding? I assume no-shows wouldn't bring it up at all, as that would be pretty awkward.

FI is the one I'm a little worried about if someone no-shows on his side...I think it would make him feel like he needed to reevaluate a friendship if someone no-showed without any reason or apology (which is, in part I think, a cultural thing as everyone attends Indian weddings if you have indicated you are coming and everyone makes an effort to indicate they are coming if invited).

Weezy56 · March 2013

We had some people not show up after they RSVPd yes. I didn't pay attention to it the day of because I was so happy, but it did irritate me and H a bit once the festivities were over. If that happens to you, you may feel that way too, and in my opinion that's okay. However I wouldn't say anything to them about it, all it would do is open the door for an awkward and unnecessary conversation.

ravenray · March 2013

I had a friend call me on the day of my wedding and tell me she wasn't coming due to food poisoning. I had some other no shows and some people who I never could get a hold of to see if they were coming or not. But I didn't say anything to them.

If the topic came up they said they were really sorry they missed our wedding.

I wouldn't sweat it too much

Knottie_22382049 · March 2013

A similar question was posted on etiquette yesterday if you want to see what they said here is the link

http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_non-attendance

You probably wouldn't even notice the no shows the day of and yeah its okay to be upset that people didn't show up but there is nothing to say to them about it except for maybe i hope you feel better if they call the next day saying they were sick.

Elle1036 · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_wr-perhaps-i-should-post-on-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:6c9680a1-8ea3-487b-8c52-f64159c5cc3cPost:0ad0b0c3-5448-46a2-9452-35621386693e">Re: WR: Perhaps I Should Post on Etiquette?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: WR: Perhaps I Should Post on Etiquette? : Fair point, I'm far more likely to not address it as I hate conflict. <strong>Did the topic of the wedding ever come up with the people who didn't no-show to your wedding? I assume no-shows wouldn't bring it up at all, as that would be pretty awkward. </strong> FI is the one I'm a little worried about if someone no-shows on his side...I think it would make him feel like he needed to reevaluate a friendship if someone no-showed without any reason or apology (which is, in part I think, a cultural thing as everyone attends Indian weddings if you have indicated you are coming and everyone makes an effort to indicate they are coming if invited).
Posted by minskat30[/QUOTE]

Yeah, I haven't actually had much contact with them since. They were all friends who live out of town and I primarily just communicate with them through facebook. None of them have really said anything to be about the wedding at all unless you count "liking" a couple photos. I'm not sure when I'll see them in person again, but yeah, I doubt they'll bring it up. If they do, I'll just tell them that I'm sorry they couldn't make it and leave it at that.

There's one exception -- one of my cousins. My brothers and I have always been really close with our cousins, and yet one of them didn't show, didn't bother to let me know beforehand that he wasn't going to show, and hasn't reached out to me since. It may seem childish, but I do expect an apology from him and intend to let him know next time I see him.

lyndsay782 · March 2013

My sister had a few family members no show on her wedding day, claimed she was over it, and then when I announced my engagement began a little rant about how "disrespectful" the family members were that didn't show, and that I should just not invite them, "because they certainly aren't going to come to your wedding if they didn't come to mine". (Her exact words)

And they all politely called and gave relatively good reasons (even if it was last minute). Take my cousin for example. Her husband passed away about 2 years prior to my sister's wedding, and she wanted to go, but the day before she had a panic attack and decided she couldn't handle it. Sure, it would have been nice to see her, but I understood why she couldn't come.

Just like if people decide that driving 45 minutes for my wedding is too far, I'll understand, but hey, at least I tried to include them.

Point is, if people no show, you hope that they've called witho enough notice that you can save some money on the catering, and you let it go. Send out an announcement with a nice photo of you and your husband, saying "Wish you had been here" and leave it at that...

leia1979 · March 2013

I was fortunate to have no no-shows (I didn't have a huge number of guests to begin with), but I've been to weddings with several no-shows. You just have to let it go. They may show up late or not at all, and there's not much you can do about it.

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