Last name changes (?)

maiteoyar · September 2010

So I'm a little worried to write a post, b/c in my only other post I had a sincere question, and some people responded very angrilly and were quite hostile.

I really do want some helpful, advice from my fellow latinas:)

I am part Mexican and Basque (Northern Spain, but not Spanish - kind of like a Native Amer in the U.S.). My finace is all American.

A huge issue for us is what to do with my last name (and kids last name). This is mostly resolved but then we briefly started talking about having kids one day and that discussion turned out... not so well.

I REALLY REALLY want to keep my last name. It's very important to me because I am very proud of my culture, history, heritage etc. My parents have both been largely discrimiated against and have done so much with their life in order to succeed. However, I already have a hypenated name so it's not that easy. I really want to keep both of my last names, because why should I have to give up my mom's last name? I grew up with it and it is also part of my culture. I don't however have a middle so I'm considering taking his last name as my middle name.... Others have suggested I could use my mom's last name as my middle name, but I don't know... I think I prefer keeping my last name the same. I do feel that marriage is about unity, which is why I DO want to add his name, but I don't believe that means riding myself of my culture. For the most part, he has come to terms with this, although I haven't completely decided what to do. Suggestions?

The second dilema is that he is strongly against our kids having a hyphenated name. I realize that we will not have kids for another 3 - 5 years, but the issue to me is still important. Again, I make the point of unity, and uniting the family. Thus the kids should take pride in both parents cultures and adopt both parents last names (for this case I would drop my mom's last name so tha tour kids wouldn't have 3 last names). He doesn't really seem to have a "valid" reason why he doesn't like a hyphenated name. But I think, and he agreed, that it's just not what he grew up with, and he always envisioned his kids would take on his name. He's pretty traditional when it comes to that. I tried to inform him that this is the 21st century and I actually know a lot of caucasian's who are hypenating now, or the woman will even keep her name, or the husband will also take the woman's name.

I am really interested in knowing how you all feel about this. I really am not trying to hurt his feelings and have apologized if I have offended him for not wanting to take his name, but my name is just as important to me.

Thanks for reading this lengthy post

peaches85 · September 2010

Personally, I think you should take your mom's maiden name as your middle name and then hyphenate your dad's last name and your FI's last name to form your new last name.

You keep talking about unity and keeping the family united through names, yet you want to have a different last name than your FI and you want your kids to have different last names than both of you. There's nothing unifying in that to me.

Plus, people rarely are aware of a person's middle name, so if you take your FI's last name as your middle name it still won't be apparent when people look at your name that you're married and, in all honesty, it'll look like the two of you are somehow related by blood (or at least that's what I'd assume as an outsider).

maiteoyar · September 2010

Thanks for the advice!

LadyMadrid08 · October 2010

Well, first of all...Basque is Spanish so I'm not sure why you're saying it's like being Native American. It's definitely not.

Secondly, you could try using cultural reasons when explaining to your FI why you want to keep your names. As for the kids, usually just the father's father's last name and the mother's father's last names are the ones that get passed on to the children. If you pass on both you'd end up with 6 last names in a couple generations and that would just get a little tricky.

I kept my last name when I married my Spanish (read: Spain) husband and our kids will have two last names: mine and his father's last name. That's just how the names work in the Spanish culture and since I live in Spain it only makes sense. I honestly think you can do it however you want in the US too.

I don't think you need to add his name to show you're married. In fact, my H thought it would be weird for us to share a last name (he said I could choose either way, this was just his thought on it) because THEN we would seem like brother and sister. So...I think it's just a personal decision you have to make.

ExpatPumpkin · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_latino-weddings_last-name-changes?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:680Discussion:2be19f03-6f78-44b4-a950-7cde4dedd583Post:493c9fd9-0eaf-4b76-bdec-3aafc29f2c9a">Re: Last name changes (?)</a>:
[QUOTE]Well, first of all...Basque is Spanish so I'm not sure why you're saying it's like being Native American. It's definitely not. Posted by LadyMadrid08[/QUOTE]

The Basques have a history of cultural and political persecution, particularly under Franco's regime, so many do not feel Spanish. I can kind of see the Native American Indian comparison.

But anyway, I'd find a way to keep all your names...

Maria Euskadi-Vasco can marry Manolo Cervantes and become:

Mrs. Maria Euskadi-Vasco (de) Cervantes. Or Mrs. Maria Euskadi (de) Cervantes.

You don't even have to change your last name(s) - just take your husband's name socially. Your kids can be Cervantes or Cervantes Euskadi (no hyphen needed).

FWIW, I married a Mexican and kept my name. My name is legally the same, but socially I go by Name MyLastName de HisLastName. Or just Name de HisLastName. Our kids will be HisLastName MyLastName (again, no hyphen). Good luck ;)

fam6 · October 2010

Okay, I think you are on the right track by trying to talk about it ahead of time and trying to look into several different ideas.

However, you don't seem to really be validating FI's feelings of what is important within his culture while at the same time not really being open to change what is important in your culture.

FI is telling you that he has grown up envisioning his children carrying his last name. In his culture this is something that father's are very proud of, being able to keep the family going and pass on his name. So, you can't ignore that or call it old fashioned.

You want to keep two names, well, it may be time to put on the Big Girl Pants and have to give a little. But, like Peaches said above, you could easily keep your mother's last name as your middle name. And, you could include that in your signature if you choose to.

My FI legally has his father's last name then his mother's last name. They are not hyphenated and when signing his name he chooses to only use his father's last name. Now, his children only carry his last name because their mother is American and didn't want her name attached. I will be taking FI's name when we marry, so if we have more children, they will have FI's name because it isn't my tradition to give my last name to my children, I would be proud for them to carry my FI's last name and my family name.

With that said, I think you can have your children carry both last names, his last name followed by your last name (specifically your father's last name) and then legally they carry both of your families' names. However, for practical purposes like say Kindergarten, the children could use just their father's name.

Also, remember there is more to culture than a name. I understand you want to keep your name, but this is one of the realities of being a married woman. Please remember there are so many other ways to pass on culture to your children and quite frankly so many more important things to teach your children about your culture and your family's strength than just what their last name was. So, believe me when I say, you won't be giving up your culture by changing your name.

If you are religious, I would encourage you to pray about it. I would encourage you to really try to see what FI is saying as just as valid as what you are saying! And, try to come to a solution that you can have some peace about.

LuluP82 · October 2010

I have my mother's father's last name as my middle name, and my father's father's last name as my last name. It's what's common where I'm from. I'm just keeping all the names. I'll go by my first name, his last name, but keep my other names.

Kids are taking his last name. But, I'll add my father's last name as either the sole middle name or as an extra one. I think there are compromises here.

I agree with your FI. Hyphenating is complicated...I have a friend who hyphenated their names (both she and her DH took herlastname-hislastname). Their first child, they had first name, middle name herlastname-hislastname. For their second child, they ended up naming him the same way, BUT, since they wanted to call him first name middle name always (like a double first name) they thought it would be too much to have constantly four names, so they unhyphenated his last name. So he's first name middle name her last name his last name. It's annoying, and my friends said she totally regrets it now.

I'd add your last name as a middle name. Ask him if he's cool with that.

maiteoyar · October 2010

Thanks again for the advice guys! It's been helpful...

I definitely am trying to be considerate of his feelings and DO understand where he's coming from, I'm not saying I don't. I was just expressing my feelings to you all as well. Which, is why I feel this is a difficult situation, b/c I have my cultural reasons but understand his as well. Also, I wasn't calling him old-fashioned. I was just telling him that it's nice that in this century there are many options. I understand his value of tradition just as I value mine.

I'm still not exactly sure what we will do, but at least we know it's something we will discuss over time. And yes, I had thought of either using my father's last name as our children's middle name. Also, if we hypenated or used the two last names for our children it would only be his name and my father's last name. I know LadyMadrid08 mentioned a concern with 6 last names and I understand that concern to... Also if we did decide to give our children two last names, I wouldn't expect them to write it out all the time. When I was growing up, I would always be registered with both last names in school, but only wrote one last name on all of my papers. It wasn't until I got older that I now, always write both.

Thanks again to all so much! You're right it's up to us - I just wanted other unbiased advice regarding what others decided to do with their name situation so thanks.

P.S. On another note, thank you ExpatPumpkin. I don't want to offend anyone but Basque IS very DIFFERENT from Spanish.

Last name changes (?)

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