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MOH & Invite problems (long, sorry)

therose731therose731 member
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in Moms and Maids
Ok I have a couple of problems so I'll try not to ramble.

First, my FH and I are on a very tight budget and we can only physically fit 120 people at our reception. He is from a huge family.  When I mentioned that the brother of my Matron of Honor might not be invited I was made to feel like I was being horrible and would be hurting his family's feelings. Yes I have known him a long time but we ARE NOT friends. He belittles me and tries to make people feel stupid. Both of his parents (whom I love) are invited. He is a 30something that still lives at home and does absolutely nothing. Our mutual friends are hosting our reception and it seems like they think that because they're hosting he should be invited. So I have to cut out one of our family members to fit him in. Mind you, my MOH got married and my parents weren't even invited let alone my brothers who she's know just as long as I've known hers. Not sure what to do here.

Second, the same MOH is pregnant and due a few months before the wedding. I mentioned that we want a kids free reception and she replied, "Well, I'll give you the ceremony but I'm not promising anything for the reception" I work with infants and children. I LOVE babies! But on our wedding day we want to be child free. From my point of view, whether she agrees with our decision or not she should respect our wishes. This is a person who has basically bulldozed me all our lives (I've known her since we were 5) and if it weren't for the great relationship I have with her mom and extended "family" (who are the reception hosts) then I probably would never even speak to her. I couldn't see any wayout of having her in the wedding because of the history but I think I should have the final say on OUR wedding details. She already had hers and I did not go against anything she said or did even when I thought she was being rude or disrespectful. My other BMs and Maid of Honor are getting just as frustrated with her attitude and are bound to say something sooner or later. Losing her as a friend wouldn't bother me but losing her mom and everyone else would be awful. What do I do? Just let her have her way as usual or finally stand up to her? 
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Re: MOH & Invite problems (long, sorry)

  • therose731therose731 member
    First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_moh-invite-problems-long-ish-sorry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:eb6a9f08-ccbd-4b9e-b3a3-a7f725a1a262Post:ae3cbdb3-1748-45ab-b0dc-54864716185f">Re: MOH & Invite problems (long, sorry)</a>:
    [QUOTE]If your hosts are trying to invite people you don't want, decline their offer to host and do it without them.   Also, just tell your MOH that her brother can't be accomodated and leave it at that.  She has no right to invite extra guests and you just need to woman up and stand up to this chick.  She's been bulldozing you since you were five because you've allowed her to do so. While it is within your right to not invite the new baby, I might let that one go.  Since you work with babies, you know how hard it is to leave a very young baby considering their needs.  You don't have to do it, but it might be nice of you to accomodate your MOH.  Also, you could use that to compromise with the bulldozer, accomodate the baby but say no to her brother.
    Posted by KindaSparkly[/QUOTE]

       I totally agree with you about needing to woman up and so do my other BMs, Lol. I've already been checking out other reception venues just in case the hosts start trying to add more people that we just can't fit. Our family comes first. 

       I think it's more the MOH's attitude about everything that's so offensive. She's always been this way but I think I should be able to call the shots on one day. I was going to have all of us get ready at her house so she could spend as much time as possible with the baby before we had to leave but her comment makes me not want to be accommodating. I am soooo not the Bridezilla type who thinks the world revolves around her and I have tried to take everyone's feelings and situations into consideration. I don't like hurting people to have my way. She is the complete opposite, which explains why we're not as close as we used to be. She wants her way and will do anything to get it.
     
       I just keep reminding myself that as long as I end up married to the love of my life at the end of that day then the rest of it just isn't that big a deal. Thanks for reading my long winded vent and offering good advice :-)   
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  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Are the hosts of your reception also paying for it in anyway way?  If the answer to that is no, then you need to tell them that you are in control of the guest list and it has already been finalized.  I would also be inclined to have them not host the reception if they are letting this title go to their heads like this.

    And you need to stand up to your MOH, like KindaSparkly said.  Start using phrasing like, the guest list has been decided and finalized, so there is no need to discuss this further or thanks for the suggestion, I'll talk it over with FI or we have already decided on the type of appetizers (or whatever), but thank you for the suggestion.  You need to give her statements that show you have already decided x and your minds won't be changed.  Then just keep changing the subject on her until she gets the idea.

    And finally, when you invite guests to your wedding, the day stops being about just the bride & groom.  However, you need to stop trying to accomodate every little requests!  You will drive yourself insane.  You have already picked out your venue, so there is no need to look for a new one just to accomodate the growing guest list that others are deciding on.  Tell them no!  It's not a four letter word and from what you say, it sounds like these people need to hear it!
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  • zitiqueenzitiqueen member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_moh-invite-problems-long-ish-sorry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:eb6a9f08-ccbd-4b9e-b3a3-a7f725a1a262Post:859d4ae2-7674-422a-ba7d-e8672732ab4d">Re: MOH & Invite problems (long, sorry)</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: MOH & Invite problems (long, sorry) :    I totally agree with you about needing to woman up and so do my other BMs, Lol. I've already been checking out other reception venues just in case the hosts start trying to add more people that we just can't fit. Our family comes first.     I think it's more the MOH's attitude about everything that's so offensive.<strong> She's always been this way but I think I should be able to call the shots on one day. </strong>I was going to have all of us get ready at her house so she could spend as much time as possible with the baby before we had to leave but her comment makes me not want to be accommodating. I am soooo not the Bridezilla type who thinks the world revolves around her and I have tried to take everyone's feelings and situations into consideration. I don't like hurting people to have my way. <strong>She is the complete opposite, which explains why we're not as close as we used to be. She wants her way and will do anything to get it.</strong>      I just keep reminding myself that as long as I end up married to the love of my life at the end of that day then the rest of it just isn't that big a deal. Thanks for reading my long winded vent and offering good advice :-)   
    Posted by therose731[/QUOTE]

    You're learning the hard way that people aren't going to change their entire personality just because you're getting married. You admit you knew what you were signing up for when you asked her. You can't control her behavior; the only thing you can control is your reaction.
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  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
    5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment First Anniversary
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_moh-invite-problems-long-ish-sorry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:eb6a9f08-ccbd-4b9e-b3a3-a7f725a1a262Post:cc51217f-45f0-4793-8368-f08549b0fab8">MOH & Invite problems (long, sorry)</a>:
    [QUOTE]Ok I have a couple of problems so I'll try not to ramble. First, my FH and I are on a very tight budget and we can only physically fit 120 people at our reception. He is from a huge family.  When I mentioned that the brother of my Matron of Honor might not be invited I was made to feel like I was being horrible and would be hurting his family's feelings. Yes I have known him a long time but we ARE NOT friends. He belittles me and tries to make people feel stupid. Both of his parents (whom I love) are invited. He is a 30something that still lives at home and does absolutely nothing. Our mutual friends are hosting our reception and it seems like they think that because they're hosting he should be invited. So I have to cut out one of our family members to fit him in. Mind you, my MOH got married and my parents weren't even invited let alone my brothers who she's know just as long as I've known hers. Not sure what to do here. Second, the same MOH is pregnant and due a few months before the wedding. I mentioned that we want a kids free reception and she replied, "Well, I'll give you the ceremony but I'm not promising anything for the reception" I work with infants and children. I LOVE babies! But on our wedding day we want to be child free. From my point of view, whether she agrees with our decision or not she should respect our wishes. This is a person who has basically bulldozed me all our lives (I've known her since we were 5) and <strong>if it weren't for the great relationship I have with her mom and extended "family" (who are the reception hosts) then I probably would never even speak to her</strong>. I couldn't see any wayout of having her in the wedding because of the history but I think I should have the final say on OUR wedding details. She already had hers and I did not go against anything she said or did even when I thought she was being rude or disrespectful. My other BMs and Maid of Honor are getting just as frustrated with her attitude and are bound to say something sooner or later. <strong>Losing her as a friend wouldn't bother me</strong> but losing her mom and everyone else would be awful. What do I do? Just let her have her way as usual or finally stand up to her? 
    Posted by therose731[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>I'm really confused as to why she's your MOH if you wouldn't care if she wasn't your friend. So, that's the only thing I keep focusing on here.

    </div>
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  • therose731therose731 member
    First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_moh-invite-problems-long-ish-sorry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:eb6a9f08-ccbd-4b9e-b3a3-a7f725a1a262Post:5908e73e-20ba-4fe1-8665-019e849dd0e3">Re: MOH & Invite problems (long, sorry)</a>:
    [QUOTE]Are the hosts of your reception also paying for it in anyway way?  If the answer to that is no, then you need to tell them that you are in control of the guest list and it has already been finalized.  I would also be inclined to have them not host the reception if they are letting this title go to their heads like this. And you need to stand up to your MOH, like KindaSparkly said.  Start using phrasing like, the guest list has been decided and finalized, so there is no need to discuss this further or thanks for the suggestion, I'll talk it over with FI or we have already decided on the type of appetizers (or whatever), but thank you for the suggestion.  You need to give her statements that show you have already decided x and your minds won't be changed.  Then just keep changing the subject on her until she gets the idea. And finally, when you invite guests to your wedding, the day stops being about just the bride & groom.  However, you need to stop trying to accomodate every little requests!  You will drive yourself insane.  You have already picked out your venue, so there is no need to look for a new one just to accomodate the growing guest list that others are deciding on.  Tell them no!  It's not a four letter word and from what you say, it sounds like these people need to hear it!
    Posted by OliveOilsMom[/QUOTE]


       Yes, the hosts offered to cook and pay for all of the food and have the reception in their backyard. We wanted to keep it as small as possible and it seemed like the perfect solution. We are very close to them and have been for many years. They didn't actually say we HAD to invite anybody, they just said that not having the brother there might hurt the feelings of people we care about. Which made me feel like crap. I can deal with the MOH being mad about her brother but I didn't want to hurt their parents. I'm much closer with her mom.
       I completely agree with needing to stand up to the MOH. I usually just go with the flow because I'm not that opinionated in all honesty. I never had a problem with it until I started voicing my opinion on things for my wedding and honeymoon and she started opposing them in a rude manner. I just shouldn't have been surprised since I've seen her do it to others who wanted to do something she didn't want to do.
       Thanks for the advice. I have a feeling I will be using the word NO a lot over the next 7 months!
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  • therose731therose731 member
    First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_moh-invite-problems-long-ish-sorry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:eb6a9f08-ccbd-4b9e-b3a3-a7f725a1a262Post:03980685-0a45-44de-ae93-30db041ac36e">Re: MOH & Invite problems (long, sorry)</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to MOH & Invite problems (long, sorry) : I'm really confused as to why she's your MOH if you wouldn't care if she wasn't your friend. So, that's the only thing I keep focusing on here.
    Posted by Domino04[/QUOTE]


       I have been asking myself that question for awhile now. As I said, I've known her since I was 5, I see her mother at least once a week, and I was one of only 2 attendants in her wedding. I felt like history should matter but I was wrong. I'm not close to her anymore and it's become obvious that she can't even show me the same respect I showed her when I was in her wedding a couple of years ago. I would do it differently if I could. 
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