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Bridesmaid issue

slpankuchslpankuch member
First Anniversary First Comment
in Moms and Maids
Hello! (sorry so long)
So I posted this about a month ago but now somethings have changed.
Here is my story in bullet points:

- My one bridesmaid from high school asked me to be a bridesmaid in her wedding as well. She lives in NJ and I live in PA.

- We only talked through facebook and texts since high school I have only seen her 1-2 times since and I’ve been out since 2005. She asked me to be a bridesmaid so I felt obligated to ask her too- even though I felt like we weren’t that close friends since high school.  Several times we were to meet for a fun girls day and she has cancelled the day before or the day of.

- She found a bridesmaid dress that was at Macy’s but I could not find it anywhere close to where I lived. So I sent her $75 check to pick it up for me in my size.

- She got the wrong size- 4 sizes too large. Also the dress was only $55.

- Her dress for my wedding..she already had. I asked my maids for a plain matte black dress.

- I asked her several times to send me a picture of her dress that she had for my wedding and it took her several months of me asking her over and over again. I had to wait to pick up my bridesmaid accessories for the other girls that live close to me because I was waiting for her to respond.

- She was coming to PA to visit family and asked me to have lunch to give me my dress. She cancelled on me an hour before our meeting. I offered to meet her briefly at her grandmother’s house to get the dress- that was a no.

-She then said she would send me the dress. I said okay and asked her to send my $20 back (leftover $ I sent) so I can use that towards the alterations. She said no because she had to ship my dress..but I was more than willing to meet her to save her money when she was in PA? 

- I got the dress. No $20 check.

I am just pissed in general. First the dress is 4 sizes too big, then she cancels on me, then she refuses to send my money back. She didn’t have to buy anything for my wedding (not that I care because I am nice in letting my maids choose their dress) but the fact that she is not caring about sending my $20 so I can alter the bridesmaid dress that  I have to wear. The alterations are going to cost more than the dress. $20 is not a big deal but it is when you have that many expenses towards a bridesmaid dress! I know most bridesmaid dresses cost about $100 but why wouldn’t she help me out by giving that $20 back?! After all I am a bride too that is paying for my own wedding! 

The fact that I felt obligated to even have her in my wedding is making me angry. I don’t really care about the friendship at this point- she obviously doesn’t either after all the canceling. I feel like just an extra body in her wedding.

After I kindly asked for my $20, she has refused to really talk to me at all! I have commented and tried to talk to her on facebook. I asked her for a dress picture of her dress for my wedding and she finally texted it to me but was just like “HERE!” in the text.

Am I wrong? Can say forget the $20 and just tell her I don’t want to be in the wedding or have her at mine? This is stressing me out.

*Both my fiance and mother think I should just tell her goodbye.

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Re: Bridesmaid issue

  • biz717biz717
    First Comment
    I mean, if you're ready to end the friendship you can kick her out. But realize that that will be probably be the end of this: you won't be friends anymore.

    If I were you I would step down from her wedding. Don't go into a bunch of detail about how you can't stand her, although I'm sure it's tempting. She sounds awful. I would just let her know that you can't swing being a bridesmaid because of time or money or whatever and leave it at that.

    Good luck!
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  • slpankuchslpankuch member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited February 2012
    Thank you for your thoughts, biz717.
    I was wondering if this sounds like an appropriate letter to send her? If I talk to her over the phone I can see me bursting out with more than I should.

    Dear Bridesmaid's Name,I am having second thoughts about this whole wedding thing. We don’t really know each other after high school. Our lives have not really passed much since then.I feel that we are both too busy to have each other in our weddings.  I have a lot of expenses right now with my own wedding and the costs seem to keep piling up. You seem busy too with your own life and things going on. We have not talked much at all lately and from the way you come across you have negative feelings towards me.   So at this time I feel that we should both go our separate ways and back out of each other’s weddings.  I will just leave it at that.

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  • tldhtldh member
    First Comment
    I'd leave out the sentence about expenses.  It seems like an unnecessary dig about the $20.
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  • mbodymbody
    Combo Breaker First Comment
    From your post, it doesn't seem like the two of you are friends anymore. At this point, I would drop out of the wedding.

    I don't think it would be that bad to add in something about expenses. Is it completely necessary? No. But, I think she was shiesty about the money and it would tick me off. I've sent dresses across the country and paid $11 at the most. Plus, I would never even think about charging a BM for the shipment anyway!
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  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Since you are ready to end the friendship, I think its ok to bow out of her wedding and not have her in yours.  I don't think you need to go into that much detail in your letter to the BM.  You could put:

    Dear X,  I have been thinking about our friendship lately and I feel that we have grown so far apart from who we were in high school, that I don't really know you anymore.  We have been so busy with our own lives to keep up with each other.  We have not talked much at all lately and from the way you come across when we do speak you seem to have negative feelings towards me.  I feel that we should both go our separate ways.  So at this point I don't feel comfortable being in your wedding nor having you in mine.  I wish you a lifetime of happiness with your fiance and hope you can wish the same for me.  

    I recently had to tell this to someone and while it sucked big time - because this person was a part of my life for so long.  It just had to happen and I felt so much better after I sent my reply, like a weight had been lifted off me. 
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  • MairePoppyMairePoppy mod
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    If you are willing to accept the this breakup will be permanent, send your letter, as is.
                       
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  • twotimemobtwotimemob member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited February 2012
    I would send what MairePoppy wrote except to take out the sentence that has the "negative feelings" in it.  She'll probably be relieved as well.

    <oops, I meant OliveOilsMom />
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  • slpankuchslpankuch member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    Thank you everyone. You all were a big help. I think I will write something on the same lines as OliveOilsMom.
    Thank you for helping me through this situation!

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