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Second wedding guilt...

renjon7798renjon7798 member
First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
in Second Weddings
I am planning my second wedding and my FI and I both agree we want to do a full on big tradtional wedding (with a 1930's-40's mobster themed wedding reception).  But the farther I get into planning, which is simply buying a dress and finding a recpetion location, the more guilty I feel.  Some people are saying that we are crazy for planning such a big "to do" for a second wedding.  I'm getting some comments like "why don't you just have a small simple ceremony with about 10-15 close family at the court house or at a park?"  Are they right?  Are we crazy for planning this big wedding (about 250 guests)? 

This is what we both want, but I'm so tired of some peoples comments about this that I'm ready to say F**K it and go to the JOP and be done with it all.....
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Re: Second wedding guilt...

  • LauraleeMarcLauraleeMarc member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    there is absolutely no need to feel like you should downplay your second wedding. life happens, and we move on. you are not crazy for having a huge deal. it's a big happy milestone in your life (regardless if it's "again") and you have every right to celebrate it the way you want.
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  • karenshoppingkarenshopping
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    No, they are not right. You are not crazy for planning a big wedding. I hope that you don't let these remarks change your plans. I suggest that you avoid initiating wedding talk with anyone who has previously made this type of remark. Do you have someone/some people who are supportive of your plans?
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  • Lisa50Lisa50 member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    If you're not going into debt for the big "to do" ... go for it!
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  • mybooboosmybooboos member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    You can have whatever type of wedding you and your FI want, as long as you can afford it, and the comfort of your guests is considered.  You can do a big poufy white dress and have 200 ppl, or a short non-white dress and 20 ppl.  The majority of rules can be thrown out the window, with the exception of etiquette.

    For those that have given you negative feedback so far, exclude them from your list of confidants in regards to wedding planning.  Only share your details with those that are supportive of you - and sometimes that means dropping close friends and family off the list of detail sharing.  My mother has complained (mildly) about me wasting money on a  "million dollar wedding", so I didn't share any details with her regarding the venue, florist, menu, etc.  It made no sense for me to invite criticism.

    Enjoy your planning and good luck!
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  • blush64blush64 member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    You have every right to have the wedding you want. I have heard it so many times, "why don't you just use the money for a vacation" or "Why don't you just save the money for something more useful" and many things like that.

    I find it hurtful and mean when certain members of my family say it. I obviously want the wedding so what's with the suggestions? I have learned that I have to ignore them. It was making me doubt everything and consider that maybe I shouldn't be doing this. (and I am planning a small, inexpensive wedding as far as weddings go)

    Try to ignore them. Do as other PP have said, don't talk to those negative people about your plans. It has really helped me get excited all over agin.

    If this is whatyou both want then go for it and have a blast!
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  • mightyoakesmightyoakes member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    i agree - go for it!

    This is both out second wedding and is much bigger than either of us had before and I don't have an ounce of guilt.

    Why do (some) people enjoy raining on other people's parades? Ugh...
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  • vexievexie member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011

    Ugh.. people like that drive me crazy.   We're also doing the full sha-bang.  Just because we've both walked the aisle before doesn't mean that this wedding/marriage is any less deserving of the big celebration.  I know I got it right this time and want a day befitting of the love we have :)

    Ignore them and plan the day of your dreams girl!

    84image 73image 11image Wedding date: June 11, 2011 :)
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  • jenjenazjenjenaz
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    for us, it's a bit different - as my fiance has never been married - so he wants the whole to-do, whereas i don't really care.  (which, i will say, is a bit annoying since i'm ending up doing all of the work on planning it!)

    regardless -- what i would say to people like that is 'hey, i'm giving you the chance to come to a huge party that you don't have to pay for!  what's your problem!?'

    either that, or as PP said, just don't talk to them.

    what you do with your money is your choice.  if i was in a snarky mood i might comment on the way they spend their money.....
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  • thealphabridethealphabride
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    You re not crazy for wanting to have a nice wedding! Please don't let the naysayers dissuade you. You have no reason to feel guilty.

    People said the same kinds of things to me. My best friend told me she thought I "it" was crazy to spend a lot of money on a wedding and my sister wanted me to have a smaller affair because we are middle aged and had been married before. They were concerned about me being a single mother and spending a lot of money.

    I just told them that I was having my wedding, my way, and it's been decided.

    They all came around and were in attendence and were supportive through the process. Sometimes people need some time to get used to the idea.

    My people were worried about me staying financially secure. They felt spending money on a wedding would break me or I would go into debt. Neither happened.

    If they continue giving you comments, try to get to the root of it if they are close, if not close it's NONE of their business!

    Congrats on your engagement and welcome to the board!!!
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  • MikesAngieMikesAngie member
    Name Dropper 5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Congratulations on your engagement!!

    Have the wedding you can afford and want - period.  The only naysayers that we had were a couple of "could have been" vendors - but hmmm being rude to the bride to be ended that.

    If those in your camp are just attempting to follow outdated rules, explian to them that the rules of etiquette apply but that it's your day and you and your FI will have it your way - Thank you very much!
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  • JunerainJunerain member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I feel the same way about my second weding and it is gonna be about the size of my first...i think it must be a common fear. However i just tell people with bad oppionions to keep them to themselves cause we are gonna do what WE want and if they dont wanna come they dont have too! Its for the two of you do what you want and have fun!
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  • beckys67beckys67 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011

    I say do what you want and don't feel guilty. Good Luck and Congrats!

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  • renjon7798renjon7798 member
    First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    RetreadBride...I LOVE your suggestion and am now running off to my mirror to practice!!  Thank you all so much for the wonderful support!!  I have renewed energy to plan my big fat SECOND wedding!  lol
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  • feelslikeadreamfeelslikeadream
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Here I go with my mature word but they are all "haters".  People have said it to FI since most guests are his family.  We have both been married previously and neither of us had big weddings.  Even though everyone is excited for us to them its silly we are spending as much as we are (under 8k 60 guests).  They don't think it is silly though that they will get to enjoy it with us.  Also I think a lot of people are jealous when FI tells them that my Mother paid for everything but the Tuxes and Honeymoon pretty much.  After the "Wow that's a lot of money" usually you hear them say "I never got to do that".

    Honestly I would have felt the same way before I met FI and could afford to have a wedding.  It used to sound dumb to me that someone would spend even a few thousand on something that lasts a few hours.  The issue was I never had the big wedding so I didn't understand it.  Now I do and would never find it silly.

    Don't let it get you down.  Only talk to those who are excited with you.  You are very blessed to be able to have a wonderful day you get to plan and have.  ENJOY IT.
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  • RkyMountainRoseRkyMountainRose
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Both FH and I did have big weddings before, and we are having a small but formal wedding this time. My mother planned my first wedding, and his ex-wife planned his first wedding, so neither of us were really involved in the planning. This time, we get to do it OUR way, and have the things that WE want. So, I say GO FOR IT!
    image image
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  • Ramiau3Ramiau3 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    We are having a small(ish) wedding, 50 aprx people.  We are only inviting the people who are our nearest and dearest and those who are 100% supportive of us.  I don't want anyone there who isn't completely happy for us and wishes us well.  We too have a handful of nay-sayers.  Second wedding for us both, I have three kids and he has none, he was laid off for some time and just returned to work last week, my mother still speaks too and *loves* my ex-husband... I am sure there are plenty of other things that have been said since we announced our engagement.  My own family is just now even acknowledging our engagement (nothing from the mother who called my ex to find out how he was taking the news.  He btw is getting married the month after I am).  I am assuming by what you wrote that you are paying for the wedding yourself, so really it's none of their business what you are spending. Keep that to yourself.  And kill the nay sayers with kindness, maybe they will see how happy you are, better off you are now and remember this isn't about how much or little you are spending, but about starting your life as husband and wife and that alone deserves a celebration!
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  • RKwedding2011RKwedding2011 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Have the wedding you want!  Go for it! I am sure glad my aunt had a big, fun wedding for her 2nd marriage. I feel like I can do the same. In reality, when you get married or have children, people will always tell you what to do.  Let them do what they want.  You should do what YOU want to do. You are the one who deserves to have what you want. Have the wedding you want and enjoy it. You can never please nosey, negative people.
    Katie
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  • slshafferslshaffer
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I don't understand why people feel the need to make rude and unsolicited comments. Personally I'm having the small intimate wedding for my second wedding. It's elgant but small. That's what I want. People have asked me why I'm not doing something bigger. The point is do what YOU want. It's your day. If those people don't like it they don't have to come. That is a reflection on them not you.
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