Wedding Party

Happy Planning

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Best of luck to you and yours!

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Feb 22, 2013
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Re: Happy Planning

  • It should be about who you want standing by your side not about the numbers.  
    Ignorance is a poor defense. Image and video hosting by TinyPic
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaids-groomsmen?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:dd53858c-c65b-4ca4-9ecf-3a81f5b7c205Post:424e6dd2-57cc-4704-9dae-733d165f1d02">bridesmaids and groomsmen</a>:
    [QUOTE]How did you all decide how many to have? We aren't getting married for a while but have been trying to decide who we'd want in the wedding party.... FH could easily pick 4 groomsmen or easily narrow it down to two. I feel fairly certain that I could definitely say I know 2 for bridesmaids and would have to think about 2 others if we go with 4. I'm just worried I won't like just having two bridesmaids. (I think ideally I'd like 3 but FH would have a hard time with that number) Just wondering how you all decided how many you wanted in your BP... P.S. uneven isn't an option bc I'm too anal for that haha
    Posted by krdonaldson[/QUOTE]
    Ignorance is a poor defense. Image and video hosting by TinyPic
  • Hmm...I'm pretty anal myself...but when it came time to deciding our wedding party, my wishes and their feelings were more important to me than my anal retentiveness.

    Originally I asked my two BFF's to be co-MOH's. I could NOT choose one over the other. I have 3 other gf's I wanted to ask to be in the wedding party as well but, since my FI has only a few, close friends that he wanted to ask, I thought I'd keep my side of the BP small as well.

    However, it ate away at me that I wouldn't have all 5 girls that I love and adore by my side JUST BECAUSE my FI only had 2 on his side. Seriously, silly.

    So...I eventually asked the other 3 gf's to be BMs too! Unfortunately for me (but fortunately for her!) one of my BMs will be 8.5 months pregnant and waaaay too far to travel out to our wedding...so now I have 4 BMs. My FI still has 2 GMs.

    No big deal.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • mbcdefgmbcdefg member
    5 Love Its First Comment Combo Breaker
    edited July 2010
    I had my sister and my friend from high school. I had some other girls I'm friendly with that I could've asked, but I don't really hang out with them alone (we're always in groups), so that's how I determined who I would ask.

    Why would you feel like you want three rather than two? Are you wondering whether to ask a specific person as the third BM? Or do you think three BMs would somehow look better than two? I don't get why you wouldn't like having two. If you have good friends standing with you, it shouldn't matter how many there are.

    Also, why would your FI have to match your number? It wouldn't be right to tell him to leave one good friend out if you decide on three girls, or leave two out if you only pick two girls? How would you feel if he told you that you had to choose a girl to leave out if the situation were reversed? Your sides do not need to be even.

    Pick people you want. Stop worrying about and negotiating on numbers. You DO have the option to have uneven numbers, but if you'd rather leave people out to achieve evenness, then that's not being "anal." That's just being a crappy friend who values appearances more than her friends' feelings (and it's especially useless because your guests really will not give two shiits over how many people are standing there with you).
    image
  • Until you're ready to open your mind to asymmetry and realize that a WP isn't about a number of slots to fill with warm bodies but rather is about having your nearest and dearest up there with you when you say your vows, I can't help you.
    Courtesy of megk8oz
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  • aerinpegadrakaerinpegadrak member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited July 2010
    The conversation went thusly one night in the car, before we were even engaged.

    Me: "Hmm, I would probably ask my sisters and friends X, Y, and Z, that's five."
    DH: "I'd probably have my brothers and friends A and B, but that's only four."
    Me: *shrugs*  "That's fine."

    When we decided to have my brother as a groomsman as well, DH was actually so enamored of the UNeven sides that he went ahead and asked a female friend of his to stand up for him as well.  But then my brother was switched to my side for being a drama queen and his brother couldn't make it, so our final count was six and four.

    It was primarily about having our friends up there with us.  If you're just worried about filling gaps at the altar, you might as well just hire someone off Craigslist.
    This is a neglected planning bio.
    This is a belated married bio, with no reviews yet because I'm lazy.

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    Sometimes I feel like people think that brides are delicate little flower princesses who get all dressed up and pretty for one special moment of their dreams, when really they're just normal people who just happen to be getting married. Things shouldn't have to be sugar-coated for grown-ass women. -mstar284
  • I'm sorry but the "I'm just too anal for uneven numbers" means I can't help you, either. I think it's silly, honestly - you're placing more importance on an arbitrary matchy matchy number than asking the people who mean the most to you. 

    We had uneven sides (4 on my side and 3 on his) and I promise you that everything went smoothly and our photos are beautiful. We are surrounded by people we love and whom love us in our pictures and that's what we cared most about at the end of the day.
    The Bump ate my signature. DD - Apr 2011 DS - expected June 2013
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaids-groomsmen?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:dd53858c-c65b-4ca4-9ecf-3a81f5b7c205Post:424e6dd2-57cc-4704-9dae-733d165f1d02">bridesmaids and groomsmen</a>:
    [QUOTE]How did you all decide how many to have? We aren't getting married for a while but have been trying to decide who we'd want in the wedding party.... FH could easily pick 4 groomsmen or easily narrow it down to two. I feel fairly certain that I could definitely say I know 2 for bridesmaids and would have to think about 2 others if we go with 4. I'm just worried I won't like just having two bridesmaids. (I think ideally I'd like 3 but FH would have a hard time with that number) Just wondering how you all decided how many you wanted in your BP... <strong>P.S. uneven isn't an option bc I'm too anal for that haha</strong>
    Posted by krdonaldson[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>It's really sad that you care so little about your closest friends that you think it is funny to treat them like objects.  

    </div>
  • krdon:  I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt, because you're new.  One of the things you'll find is that if you'll just take time to lurk a bit, check out the last couple of pages of posts, you'll find at least a half dozen that ask the exact same question that you just asked.

    But since you didn't, I'm going to give you the very same answer that I gave to a post only a couple below yours:

    Happily, people are much smarter now than they were "back in the day".

    Back in the day,  the bride and groom always had the same number of people standing next to them.

    Back in the day, only women stood on the bride's side, and only men stood on the groom's side.

    Back in the day, WP members walked out of the ceremony in pairs.

    Back in the day, there were WP dances, where bridesmaids and groomsmen who didn't know each other had to dance together in front of an audience.

    Back in the day,  if for any reason, a BM or GM had to drop out of the WP, there was a scramble to find someone who would fit in the dress or tux.

    But now, happily it's 2010.  WPs are no longer about symmetry or gender.  And for you that means that you don't have to hurt anyone's feelings by making them feel either easily replaceable or like they're sloppy seconds. 

    You just move forward with uneven sides and enjoy a beautiful (and modern) wedding day.
    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
  • WOW!  you all are so judgemental.

    It's not just about numbers to me.

    So what if I want the sides even? I said 3 isn't an option bc FH would have a hard time choosing between friends and I wouldn't want him to leave someone out. It's easier for him because he would be happy with just his 2 brothers, or with his two brothers and 2 best friends.

    It's more about me having a hard time choosing people. I have several friends that I could choose I just don't know how big I want the WP. Obviously I can't have ALL of my friends be in the WP or there would be an insane number of people at the alter, that being said, how do you choose between friends? i don't want to hurt feelings but obviously they know that having say 10 bridesmaids isn't going to happen.

    I'm not asking for your opinions on whether or not you agree with me for setting a number of WP members, I'm asking how you decided because I was hoping for some insight as to how others chose who were also having a difficult time deciding where to cut off the number of people standing with you, like I said, not EVERAYONE can be up there.

    Best of luck to you and yours!

    image
    Feb 22, 2013
  • You said, "uneven isn't an option bc I'm too anal for that haha" so you ARE clearly all about the numbers. If you weren't, then you wouldn't care about how many people are up there, and you'd be O.K. with your FI having four while you only had two.

    Like I said, I decided based on people I was close to and people I spent time with one-on-one. That happened to be my sister and one friend. I wanted my brother included and offered to have him as a groomsman, but my husband said he'd like to have him and his own best friend as a groomsman. Our numbers happened to be even, but if we'd asked every person we had in mind as an attendant, I would've had three girls and he would've had four guys.
    image
  • You've set yourselves up with a false choice.  If you would just let go of the even-sides nonsense you wouldn't have any sort of problem.  This is a bride-created problem.  It's ridiculous to think that one of you has to make any such decision.  If you think you will seriously be distracted by the uneven sides when you are getting MARRIED then you have no business being married. 

    Go around creating problems like this if you must.  Or you can put on your big girl panties, realize this is silly, and pick your friends and let your FI pick his.  Done and done.
    Courtesy of megk8oz
    image
    "I think bablingbrooke is the 13 yr old marring her cousin at the town hall. Lets all give her a big hand. And hope her inbred children can live normal lives." -tabs.

    A word of warning from your friends at Cracked.com: Remember that text is going to be how you make your first impression over the internet; if every third word you type is misspelled, people will automatically assume that you're a moron.
  • If you really don't agree with what I'm trying to say then just stop posting.

    This is ridiculous. I was just trying to see how others chose who would be in their BP when you have several people to choose from but don't want an enormous wedding party.

    And if I want even sides, then I can have even sides. You can have uneven. We'll both be married just the same. I'm not trying to criticize you for uneven sides so stop doing it to me for wanting even sides.
    Best of luck to you and yours!

    image
    Feb 22, 2013
  • It seems like one/both of you would be leaving good friends out of the wedding in order to achieve even sides. That's why people keep telling you what a bad idea it is (and what an awful thing it is to do to your friends).

    Who is next to you on the altar when you think of your wedding day? That's how you decide. Not, "Well, if FI picks these guys then I will choose these girls" or "If I have these girls then FI can't have more/less than me."

    Let him pick. Decide for yourself who you want. Who he chooses for his side should not be dependent on who you choose for your side. Done deal.
    image
  • Here's the thing.  You won't regret having uneven sides. You will regret leaving out someone important to you for the sake of symmetry.  I'm trying to stop you from making a mistake.  But you don't want to listen to reason.

    I have no problem with even sides.  I do have a problem with brides leaving out friends who should be up there with them because to include them would create asymmetry and that would "ruin" everything.  I do have a problem with brides and grooms who think their FIs should leave out their friends to match the number of friends the other person chose.  That shows, to me, a mismatch of priorities and a lack of perspective.  It shows an emphasis of style over substance. And it tells me that you're focusing on the party and not on the marriage.  None of those are good things.  And they all make me think that there is a serious lack of maturity and understanding about what getting married truly means.
    Courtesy of megk8oz
    image
    "I think bablingbrooke is the 13 yr old marring her cousin at the town hall. Lets all give her a big hand. And hope her inbred children can live normal lives." -tabs.

    A word of warning from your friends at Cracked.com: Remember that text is going to be how you make your first impression over the internet; if every third word you type is misspelled, people will automatically assume that you're a moron.
  • Also, say you do have even sides.  What if, the night before the wedding, one of your WP members needs an emergency appendectomy and can't be in the wedding.  Would you put it on hold until you can get even sides?  Bring in a warm body?  Of course not.  So why be so focused on symmetry when things beyond your control could "ruin" the symmetry?
    Courtesy of megk8oz
    image
    "I think bablingbrooke is the 13 yr old marring her cousin at the town hall. Lets all give her a big hand. And hope her inbred children can live normal lives." -tabs.

    A word of warning from your friends at Cracked.com: Remember that text is going to be how you make your first impression over the internet; if every third word you type is misspelled, people will automatically assume that you're a moron.
  • Thank you for all of your input.
    Best of luck to you and yours!

    image
    Feb 22, 2013
  • KR, I strongly agree that you listen to the wise ladies.

    Even sides just shouldn't be the first thing that's the priority.  If they happen to be even  - fine.  However the goal shouldn't be even sides.  It should be having the people up there with you that you can't imagine NOT having up there.

    That said, if your bio is right and you're not getting married until 2014, you have PLENTY of time to think about this.  Don't pick your BP until you're under a year away from your wedding date.  So much can change between now and then and once you pick, you can't unask.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaids-groomsmen?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:dd53858c-c65b-4ca4-9ecf-3a81f5b7c205Post:04073dda-b4bf-4ded-9213-9744e90e7385">Re: bridesmaids and groomsmen</a>:
    [QUOTE]If you really don't agree with what I'm trying to say then just stop posting. This is ridiculous. I was just trying to see how others chose who would be in their BP 
    Posted by krdonaldson[/QUOTE]

    <div>Everyone here just chose their closest friends.  </div><div>
    </div><div>But you've already made it clear that you care more about numbers than you do about people, so no one here is going to be able to help you.  </div><div>
    </div><div>When you readjust your priorities and realize that people are more important than symmetry, you'll find that this isn't an issue.  </div>
  • Wowzers, banana.  Nice catch.  I usually look to see how far away the wedding is, but didn't this time.

    OP:  please listen to banana.  Don't ask anyone, anyone, to be in a WP until at least March of 2013, preferably about July of 2013.  By then you may well have completely different relationships. 

    There are so many posts here from brides who asked way too early and now want to know how to kick a (former) friend out of the WP.  Please, don't ask 3.5 years ahead.  That's just asking for trouble.

    Besides, there isn't anything at all for a WP to do yet, and you really can't/shouldn't order dresses this early either.

    If anyone asks, simply say "Thanks for being interested, but our wedding isn't until 2014, so we're not choosing a WP until well into 2013."
    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaids-groomsmen?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:dd53858c-c65b-4ca4-9ecf-3a81f5b7c205Post:b55ccf63-5172-433f-906b-2cefa126262d">Re: bridesmaids and groomsmen</a>:
    [QUOTE]WOW!  you all are so judgemental. It's not just about numbers to me. So what if I want the sides even? I said 3 isn't an option bc FH would have a hard time choosing between friends and I wouldn't want him to leave someone out. It's easier for him because he would be happy with just his 2 brothers, or with his two brothers and 2 best friends. It's more about me having a hard time choosing people. I have several friends that I could choose I just don't know how big I want the WP. Obviously I can't have ALL of my friends be in the WP or there would be an insane number of people at the alter, that being said, how do you choose between friends? i don't want to hurt feelings but obviously they know that having say 10 bridesmaids isn't going to happen. I'm not asking for your opinions on whether or not you agree with me for setting a number of WP members, I'm asking how you decided because I was hoping for some insight as to how others chose who were also having a difficult time deciding where to cut off the number of people standing with you, like I said, not EVERAYONE can be up there.
    Posted by krdonaldson[/QUOTE]
    Holy Crap. We survived the first year!
    http://tidetravel.weebly.com/index.html
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaids-groomsmen?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:dd53858c-c65b-4ca4-9ecf-3a81f5b7c205Post:04073dda-b4bf-4ded-9213-9744e90e7385">Re: bridesmaids and groomsmen</a>:
    [QUOTE]If you really don't agree with what I'm trying to say then just stop posting. This is ridiculous. I was just trying to see how others chose who would be in their BP when you have several people to choose from but don't want an enormous wedding party. And if I want even sides, then I can have even sides. You can have uneven. We'll both be married just the same. I'm not trying to criticize you for uneven sides so stop doing it to me for wanting even sides.
    Posted by krdonaldson[/QUOTE]
    Holy Crap. We survived the first year!
    http://tidetravel.weebly.com/index.html
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  • We did give you advice on how to choose.  Choose your nearest and dearest.  If you can't imagine your wedding without certain people standing by your side then they should be in the WP.  

    And no, you shouldn't be asking people to be in your WP if your wedding isn't until 2014.  If you ask now, you run the risk of being another bride on here asking how to ask your BM to step down because your relationship has changed.  But do what you want.  
    Ignorance is a poor defense. Image and video hosting by TinyPic
  • I'm not trying to hide anything.... I understand that people can still see what's been said, I'm not quite the idiot you may think

    I was just simply done with the post because I have heard what everyone has had to say.
    Best of luck to you and yours!

    image
    Feb 22, 2013
  • I didn't think it would magically do anything.... people can still post if they want, it's a free country.

    Why does it bother you so much?

    I'd like to offer you the same advice, if you don't like that I changed the title, stop looking at it, easy peasy
    Best of luck to you and yours!

    image
    Feb 22, 2013
  • OP, based on your post count, you may not be aware, but deleting your post and changing the title is considered really bad netiquette and rather rude to everyone who took the time to give you advice.

    The best thing to do is to just let a thread "die" and fall to the next few pages as most do.  When you delete, it sends a message that you're hiding or you don't like the advice given - but so many people took the time to give it.

    Please keep that in mind because that's the general stance on all boards here.

    You are allowed to do those things, but you have to expect some people to be upset when you do them.
  • It also means that you've basically destroyed your chances of ever getting an answer to your questions again, because people remember screennames, and they won't bother taking the time to give you advice if you're just going to delete if you don't like what you hear.
    This is a neglected planning bio.
    This is a belated married bio, with no reviews yet because I'm lazy.

    image
    Sometimes I feel like people think that brides are delicate little flower princesses who get all dressed up and pretty for one special moment of their dreams, when really they're just normal people who just happen to be getting married. Things shouldn't have to be sugar-coated for grown-ass women. -mstar284
  • Lame....
    The Bump ate my signature. DD - Apr 2011 DS - expected June 2013
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