H's work schedule is messing up our marriage

DramaGeek · August 2011

This is going to be all rambly because I'm angry and emotional and seeing the worst possible scenarios right now.

The past week has been crazy hectic. H ended up with Sun/Sat off, which means we haven't been in the same place and both been awake since we went to bed Sun night. This is killing us and our communication is suffering big time.

I've been back at work all week, so H and I can't talk before he goes to work since he doesn't get up until after my lunch. Once he's at work it's hard for him to get more than 10 minutes so our conversations are usually like 5 minutes long and end abruptly when he all of a sudden says, "I have to go" and hangs up.

One thing I did tell him was that we had to get the deck pulled out this weekend because we told the guy we were ready to do the patio and I didn't want him to call to tell us he was coming to pour the patio and have us not be ready for it. So I told H we needed to pull out the deck this weekend. He told me to line up some help, so I did. Then he pulled it out himself. When I talked to him yesterday for a whopping 3 minutes, he told me that he needed a pick axe and rototiller for this weekend. I assumed that was all he needed. I told our help that they weren't needed and lined up the tools he needed.

I'm supposed to attend a bridal shower on Sun afternoon. I've been working so much and then running errands trying to finish getting H the supplies he needs plus getting the stuff I need for school that I haven't had time to do the shower gift shopping, so my mom and I made plans to go tomorrow morning at 10:30.,

Tonight H calls and says, "so who's coming to help us on Sat and what time will be there?" Huh? I didn't realize we needed help.

He then goes on this tirade about how he's been busting his hump because I said he had to get this done and blah blah blah...

I'm just frustrated. I'm tired of not seeing my husband, I'm tired of not having time to talk to him where we're not being interrupted...I'm just tired of it, and there's no end in sight. I'm really afraid of what may end up happening if he doesn't get promoted soon.

iamjoesgurl · August 2011

I can't imagine being in your shoes. When DH works both of his jobs so I don't see him, it is so hard. But that is only about 25% of the time in the summer. Last weekend he went away and tonight he is staying with a friend (guy's night out) so I've been home feeling bad for myself that he is not here. But this is NOTHING compared to what you are going through. I'm so sorry. I will definitely pray for you. I wish I had some words of wisdom for you. **hugs**

mrandmrsbrist · August 2011

I'm so sorry. I don't have any advice, but I just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you and praying for you.

DramaGeek · August 2011

Thanks guys. Obviously it could be so much worse - I have friends whose H's are or were deployed, so I hate to complain about this, but sometimes you just have to get it out.

Mom and I rescheduled for earlier in the morning so we go before H will even be out of bed and then H and I can do what we need to do during the day. In the meantime, we need to figure out a better way to communicate.

DaKelliAB09 · August 2011

I don't really have any advice, but I will be praying for you guys! Sorry you're having to go though this and it's definitely ok to vent. Sometimes you just need to let it all out. Hope this weekend turns out being great for you guys.

abbeylynne06 · August 2011

I know how frustrating that can be. My DH is a youth minister, so he works a lot of afternoons and evenings, and I'm a teacher, so I go to school early in the morning and am home for the afternoon and evenings. We have very opposite schedules. Some weeks, the only times we're together is when we're sleeping, like you said. It really sucks.

This month, we're only going to be in the same city for 10 days total, with mission trips, job training, etc. And for these last 2 weeks, my DH is without phone access. Yuck.

It sounds like phone communication isn't really working since you have so little time. Do you think you could e-mail one another? I know it might sound dumb, but then you could type out all the things you need to say and your DH can respond when he has the time... and then you can respond to him when you have time. I thin you could get a lot more communicating done that way.

Leaving little notes around the house for each other is a way to keep communicating as well. Remember, this won't last forever! Also, I'd recommend getting a date night on the calendar NOW. Find a time that works for both of you and write it down... It'll give you guys both something to look forward to.

DramaGeek · August 2011

Thanks for the ideas abbey. Sadly, H only gets his schedule a week in advance so planning something is difficult. I know he has today off, obviously, but I'm not sure when his next day off is.

xstarx05x · August 2011

<span style="color:#000000;font-family:Times;line-height:normal;font-size:medium;" class="Apple-style-span"><div style="font-family:Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:10px;background-color:initial;background-image:none;background-attachment:initial;background-origin:initial;background-clip:initial;color:#1f1f1f;font:normal normal normal 11px/14px Arial, sans-serif;text-align:left;"><div><span style="color:#000000;font-family:Times;line-height:normal;font-size:medium;" class="Apple-style-span"><div style="font-family:Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:10px;background-color:initial;background-image:none;background-attachment:initial;background-origin:initial;background-clip:initial;color:#1f1f1f;font:normal normal normal 11px/14px Arial, sans-serif;text-align:left;">Sorry to hear about this :( Communication issues suck, and if work is stressful or you don't like it, it's so easy to snap at each other too. Quite often DH and I hardly see each other. We both work FT and I always work M-F 9-5, but DH's schedule is different each week (can be 7-4, 10-7, 12-9, or 3-midnight) includes weekends, and only gets it about a week in advanced like your husband, DramaGeek. I feel like we may have talked about this before? </div><div style="font-family:Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:10px;background-color:initial;background-image:none;background-attachment:initial;background-origin:initial;background-clip:initial;color:#1f1f1f;font:normal normal normal 11px/14px Arial, sans-serif;text-align:left;">
</div><div style="font-family:Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:10px;background-color:initial;background-image:none;background-attachment:initial;background-origin:initial;background-clip:initial;color:#1f1f1f;font:normal normal normal 11px/14px Arial, sans-serif;text-align:left;">When he works later shifts, can he get up the same time as you? (and that means he can do things before work--housework, shopping, gym, whatever he wants to do).. DH gets up with me at 8 as long as he isn't working after midnight--if he gets home too late I can understand not wanting to do this...</div></span></div></div></span><span style="color:#000000;font-family:Times;line-height:normal;font-size:medium;" class="Apple-style-span"><div style="font-family:Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:10px;background-color:initial;background-image:none;background-attachment:initial;background-origin:initial;background-clip:initial;color:#1f1f1f;font:normal normal normal 11px/14px Arial, sans-serif;text-align:left;"><div><span style="color:#000000;font-family:Times;line-height:normal;font-size:medium;" class="Apple-style-span"><div style="font-family:Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:10px;background-color:initial;background-image:none;background-attachment:initial;background-origin:initial;background-clip:initial;color:#1f1f1f;font:normal normal normal 11px/14px Arial, sans-serif;text-align:left;">
</div><div style="font-family:Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:10px;background-color:initial;background-image:none;background-attachment:initial;background-origin:initial;background-clip:initial;color:#1f1f1f;font:normal normal normal 11px/14px Arial, sans-serif;text-align:left;">In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_hs-work-schedule-messing-up-marriage?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:d63242b5-cd6f-466d-b5e4-460fb2d98a5bPost:212f8aa3-0768-4f99-8c55-65ad107d8ddd">Re: H's work schedule is messing up our marriage</a>:
[QUOTE]Do you think you could e-mail one another? I know it might sound dumb, but then you could type out all the things you need to say and your DH can respond when he has the time... and then you can respond to him when you have time. I thin you could get a lot more communicating done that way. Leaving little notes around the house for each other is a way to keep communicating as well. Remember, this won't last forever! Also, I'd recommend getting a date night on the calendar NOW. Find a time that works for both of you and write it down... It'll give you guys both something to look forward to.
Posted by abbeylynne06[/QUOTE]

<div>This is a great idea :) If you can't plan a date night, do you at least get to have dinner with each other occasionally? When he gets a schedule that allows this, jump on the opportunity to go out or even just eat in, but make it a special meal, decorate, watch a movie, whatever makes you two happy.</div></div></span></div></div></span>

DramaGeek · August 2011

Great ideas star. H works 4pm - 12:30am 5 nights a week. He usually has Sunday and a weekday off, so we have two days where we can eat dinner together and two daytimes home together (Sat/Sun). Since I have to leave for work at 6:30 and he doesn't get home until 1 am, he barely even wakes up to tell me goodbye, let alone actually getting up with me. And, of course, since he doesn't get home until 1 am and I have to be up at 5:30, I definitely don't stay up until he gets home. On the few nights I do, I'm so tired and cranky that it's not worth it.

We'll find a way to work it out, it's just frustrating right now. We talked about it some today and we'll talk about it more tonight. And we did get the things done that he wanted to do and I got to go shopping with my mom, so it all worked out.

xstarx05x · August 2011

ohh so does he always work 4-12:30 and it's just a matter of which days he gets off?

glad you're working things out and got things done

AshNoel8 · August 2011

Sorry about this! I will pray!

DramaGeek · August 2011

In Response to Re: H's work schedule is messing up our marriage:
[QUOTE]ohh so does he always work 4-12:30 and it's just a matter of which days he gets off? glad you're working things out and got things done

Posted by xstarx05x[/QUOTE]

Exactly. I think part of the reason this past week was so bad was because we went 5 days without seeing each other, and they were slammed at work so our phone conversations were extremely short. There was one time that he called me and as soon as I answered he said, "hang on." I could tell he was listening to someone or something and then he said, "I gotta go. Call you later." That's the kind of stuff we've been dealing with.

We had a great night together last night. My parents invited us for dinner, which was really nice after we'd been working on the old deck stuff in the heat. Afterward we came home and made popcorn and watched tv. It was fantastic.

I realized a long time ago, when we were dating and lived an hour apart, that I get cranky if I don't see him enough. I remember one time I shut myself in my room while my roommates were watching a movie or something in the living room. I was so cranky because we hadn't seen each other several days and I was throwing myself a pity party and watching "Patch Adams." All of a sudden, in walked (then) Fi. He felt the same way, so he drove an hour to see me after getting off work late at night. All that to say, this isn't a new situation, just one we haven't had to deal with in years.

Anyway, thanks again for your support and letting me vent, ladies. It really helps :-)

agape1cor813 · August 2011

I'm really sorry to hear that, I know how tough it is when one person in the couple is working irregular hours. For a long time, I was working second shift and my husband was working first shift (and also traveling all over the U.S. and Canada). It was hard, but we made set times to communicate and be together despite all that.

Now, not only is he second shift while everything I'm applying for is first shift, but he may have the chance to be a shift lead on third shift (11 p.m.-6:30) which may give us more hours together once I get a job ( we would be able to eat breakfast and dinner together), but we would rarely get to sleep next to each other, which would be something I would struggle with.

You have my sympathies with your work situations. I really hope you guys are able to work something out so that your marriage can thrive.

H's work schedule is messing up our marriage

Re: H's work schedule is messing up our marriage

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