Etiquette Issues

laurenoliveira23 · April 2012

so i know im not moderater here but ..

since ive started lurking around the community... in many threads that ive seen a lot of brides have gone on the defence in threads they have made ... this is not an isolated occurance ive seen it a few times so obviously they are feeling attacked and then of course it ends up in a big mess which is unnessesary. there should be a different approach to the way some woman are giving their advise.

you all have your opinions which is great but there is no need to be catty about it right?
we are talking about etiquette here so lets practice what we preach and be polite

quoting from the rules of the customs and traditions board which i think ties in a lot with this one....

"This is a supportive group of brides who are mindful that this is an international forum where brides (and possibly grooms) from all over the world will post with questions and answers. It is helpful to keep the perspective that while, a tradition or custom, such as a "Jack and Jill" party or a "dollar dance", aren't done "in your circle", there are plenty of areas in which those traditions are popular and accepted as the norm."

edit: oh and same goes for the thread makers too! no need to get upset because someone disagrees with what you want to do just take it into account, you asked for the opinion . if someone is snarky ... best thing to do is ignore !

MrsKigerToBe · April 2012

bonge · April 2012

I think sometimes "truth" comes across bitchier than it is meant too. I know i sound pretty bitchy often but my intentions are good. The biggest thing i see is that newbs aren't given a chance. They are expected to lurk & just "know" how to behave on the boards. Many people are niave & that is just not so.

I think a lot of regulars get so tired of the same posts over & over that they have a hard time treating each individual as niave newbies. On the other hand some people only want validation for their bad ideas & do not care what anyone says, those are the ones that deserve it imo.

Lark2013 · April 2012

I agree that some people ask questions that have been delt with in previous posts, but we all need to remember that, especially with the new knotties, they are planning a wedding and thier case is special to them, even if somebody else has the exact same issue. They may realize it's similar, but think that they have a slightly different circumstance, so they need a thread of thier own. We all get focused on our own weddings and that is central for us at the moment.

I myself am a new knottie, and have seen posts that could have been answered had the OP just looked at other similar threads, which is even kind of frusterating for me. However, I think the people who have lost thier patience should either not post and leave it to somebody who's not fed up answering the same questions over and over again (because let's face it, while we may know our etiquette, others out there know it, too. We aren't the only ones with the "correct" answers), or relax and realize that these girls/guys are new to the whole thing, and even if thier case isn't as unique as they may think it is, it's still a very special thing that they are trying to plan, and we need to remember what it would have been like for us to have somebody get evil on us for our wedding.

Thank you for making this it's own thread!

mica178 · April 2012

If people would just read the sticky at the top of the page, they might not have so many problems. But no one does.

mkrupar · April 2012

I'm sorry, but WTH are you?

First of all, customs and traditions are NOT etiquette. They are things that happen reginally, culturally, and religiously. Etiquette is a set of social rules that encompasses ALL people, regardless of traditions, cultures, or religions. That is where people confuse the two, and that is why people get upset when their ideas are not validated. The C&T board has nothing to do with this one, and has a completely different set of regs who post there. Do not lump us all in the same basket.

I don't know why you choose to make your introduction to this board in this way. We don't really take kindly to people tsking us like a school marm. We are all grown women and don't need to be told how, or what to post. Do you correct other people's manners when you overhear their conversations on the street?

You're not a moderator, and the mods around here do a fine job quashing anything that gets out of hand. If you prefer the rules of the C&T board, then go there for advice.

I will give a new person a chance. But a lot of times, the correct response is given, kindly, but then OP goes BSC because she has not been given the answer she wants. That's what makes us regs look like a bunch of meanies. Their whiny, "You don't know me OR my situation" makes it seem like everyone's ganging up on them, when in reality, they just don't want to hear the correct answer.

I was flamed to high heaven on WP when I started. I lurked, got a feel for the board, THEN jumped in to conversations.

Seeing the same question over and over is not an excuse to be mean, but tone, and intent aren't always easy to read over the internets, and people don't like to be told, "No you cannot do XXX" So next time you want to chastise a group of adults like they're a bunch of children, maybe YOU should lurk a little more and understand the dynamics of the boards.

Just out of curiosity, did you go and post this on all boards you feel are wrong?

AdeleDazeem · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_etiquette-issues-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f25ad973-7459-4297-8fcd-9c578777c1a3Post:305c7dcd-4d34-4c83-9b3f-05a6fabae4b5">Re: Etiquette Issues</a>:
[QUOTE]If people would just read the sticky at the top of the page, they might not have so many problems. But no one does.
Posted by mica178[/QUOTE]

I don't know if you have any control over this Mica or if it would even help, but the fact that the stickies are greyed out makes them even easier to miss. Small point, probably won't help too much, but certainly wouldn't hurt anything to suggest that they aren't gray and instead black or another color that stands out a bit.

mica178 · April 2012

It's not gray if you haven't clicked on it before. Sadly, I can't change its color.

And asking TK IT to make big changes is like asking a pig to fly.

AdeleDazeem · April 2012

All stickies on all boards are grayed out for me regardless if I've ever clicked on them. I'm not that slow after three years! :-)

It's always been that way for me. I assumed it was true for others, as well. But, maybe not always?

freebread03 · April 2012

Now I'm confused...when did customs and traditions = etiquette? This is news to me, wow!

It seems like LaurenOliveira may be upset how things went down in the post where someone didn't want to include someone else's significant other. I don't care if I don't post here a lot--I think it's quite offensive to be told how to post by someone who hasn't even been around very long.

Thanks for your helpful "expertise" and schooling on traditions vs. etiquette! (Oh wait, you were wrong.)

Belle0000 · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_etiquette-issues-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f25ad973-7459-4297-8fcd-9c578777c1a3Post:bbec6c54-e0b2-4b1b-83ed-398feff8abf3">Re: Etiquette Issues</a>:
[QUOTE] I myself am a new knottie, and have seen posts that could have been answered had the OP just looked at other similar threads, which is even kind of frusterating for me. However, I think the people who have lost thier patience should either not post and leave it to somebody who's not fed up answering the same questions over and over again (because let's face it, while we may know our etiquette, others out there know it, too.
Posted by Lark2013[/QUOTE]

Too often, the only people NOT fed up with answering some of the same etiquette questions over and over are the ones giving the bad (or just plain wrong) advice.

StephanieM22 · April 2012

OP some traditions say a dollar dance is fine etiquette says asking for money is rude. Other traditions allow you to tier a wedding again etiquette says it is rude to invite guests to one part of the wedding but not another. You seeing the pattern. Just because something is a custom or tradition does not mean it follows etiquette. If you do not like how we post here fine but understand that when people post on the etiquette board they will be given the answer for what to do etiquette wise. Not what customs or tradition says is right but what etiquette says is right and we don't sugar coat it.

crfische · April 2012

Most importantly, why are people bitching about this at 2:30 in the freaking morning?

Wussies!

[Deleted User] · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_etiquette-issues-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f25ad973-7459-4297-8fcd-9c578777c1a3Post:d13cb155-6ed9-40a7-baa9-0f51a21d17ba">Etiquette Issues</a>:
[QUOTE]so i know im not moderater here
Posted by laurenoliveira23[/QUOTE]
Do you?

TheBaney · April 2012

I'd just like to point out that etiquette is defined as "conventional requirements as to social behavior; proprieties of conduct as established in any class or community or for any occasion." As in etiquette is set within a community. So it's not accurate to just say that etiquette is etiquette, end of story. There are things that we do here that would be considered rude in Japan, for example. Not to mention, etiquette changes over time. RSVP cards and registries were considered rude. Now, to not have them, would throw some guests into a tailspin.

mkrupar · April 2012

Right Baney. And we're (usually) fully ready to admit when a person's culture may overrule the confines of etiquette, but that's usually when there's family in another country involved, the couple is of mixed diversity. But if it's someone just wanting a dollar dance, cash bar, or to not invite someone's SO, it's pretty safe to say that across all cultures, those would be considered rude, and against etiquette, even if it is "tradition".

BrittneyRN · April 2012

I've been lurking on the E board for about a year now. These ladies have great advice and are actually quite nice when giving it. The only time they get snarky is when a poster comes, asks a question about doing something horrible rude, refuses to take advice and then goes all crazy coming up with excuses.

Lark2013 · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_etiquette-issues-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f25ad973-7459-4297-8fcd-9c578777c1a3Post:56ddfafd-aca5-449e-9bb9-29f4ca20eb22">Re: Etiquette Issues</a>:
[QUOTE]FI's grandfather always used to say, "You know who's awake at 2:30 in the morning? Whore and thieves, that's who." Great story.
Posted by EaglesBride2012[/QUOTE]

Just because it's 2:30 in the morning for you, or that's when it says the post was sent, that does not mean that was the local time that the people actually posted. I'm in Europe right now, so 2:30 am in the US could very well be 10:30 in the morning for me. These types of comments are the ones that cause misunderstandings. We could all take a lesson about thinking of all possible situations before posting something like that (because, yes, I have done some stupid stuff like that before).

pokepoke27 · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_etiquette-issues-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f25ad973-7459-4297-8fcd-9c578777c1a3Post:9a8be8e9-3430-41e3-81e2-30d69787b0dd">Re: Etiquette Issues</a>:
[QUOTE]I'd just like to point out that etiquette is defined as " conventional requirements as to social behavior; proprieties of conduct as established in any class or community or for any occasion." As in etiquette is set within a community. So it's not accurate to just say that etiquette is etiquette, end of story. There are things that we do here that would be considered rude in Japan, for example. Not to mention, etiquette changes over time. RSVP cards and registries were considered rude. Now, to not have them, would throw some guests into a tailspin.
Posted by TheBaney[/QUOTE]

<div>I agree with this. However, it is generally accepted that the people posting here are planning weddings in America and so should use American etiquette. I think I am correct in saying that 9/10 of the ladies in here live or have grown up in America. So when asking questions about etiquette, the ladies will advise based on the rules they have grown up with. </div><div>
</div><div>Now, if someone came in and said "My FI is Indian and we are having a full traditional Indian ceremony followed by a reception that blends Indian and American traditions - here is my question" then everyone will do their best to answer the question, but probably direct the poster to the Customs and Traditions board as well. </div>

strlzfan11 · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_etiquette-issues-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f25ad973-7459-4297-8fcd-9c578777c1a3Post:bb13ac16-a945-44eb-b60e-7c8b5eadbe5c">Re: Etiquette Issues</a>:
[QUOTE]I think the etiquette board has gotten kinder and more gentle in the last year. Really!
Posted by CMGr[/QUOTE]

Ain't that the truth!

crfische · April 2012

Well, home girl is in British Columbia, soooo....

AND PLUS ALSO, KROOPS. I HAD A DOLLAR DANCE THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

You guys are so judgy.

laurenoliveira23 · April 2012

lol and half the posts on here are exactly what i was talking about ...

and yes for all you people who seem to care so much about how i spend my days - it was 11:30 pm when i posted this if you read that says eastern time . now count 3 hours back

all i was saying was it doesnt hurt to be a bit kinder... im sorry for stepping on anybody's toes or if i made people feel like i was lecturing them.. this was not my intention

bellabananas · April 2012

Oh no sister who the hell do you think you are? Lol JK! I think the funniest part of all of this is how "etiquette" varies from this website, to Martha Stewart, to what decade you were born in, and what part of the country you live in. Some things are pretty plain and simple, but honestly I don't think we were proposed to in order to display our perfect knowledge of etiquette at our wedding. My mom thinks it's BSC that she can't invite her random friends from high school (because that's what her parents did at her wedding), but she cares way more about me than seeing someone that she hasn't seen in 15 years. And yeah ladies, those of you who responded defensively on here, maybe you felt like OP hit a little bit close to home. If you wouldn't say it to someone's face, what makes it okay saying it to a fellow bride? Etiquette is about being polite, so lead by example.
I think the over-arching message here is chill out a little, and if someone really frustrates you, don't respond, move on.

rb1734a · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_etiquette-issues-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f25ad973-7459-4297-8fcd-9c578777c1a3Post:79a55a87-55a4-4ae9-9b4f-0b4efc3a30eb">Re: Etiquette Issues</a>:
[QUOTE]Oh no sister who the hell do you think you are? Lol JK! I think the funniest part of all of this is how "etiquette" varies from this website, to Martha Stewart, to what decade you were born in, and what part of the country you live in. Some things are pretty plain and simple, but honestly I don't think we were proposed to in order to display our perfect knowledge of etiquette at our wedding. My mom thinks it's BSC that she can't invite her random friends from high school (because that's what her parents did at her wedding), but she cares way more about me than seeing someone that she hasn't seen in 15 years. And yeah ladies, those of you who responded defensively on here, maybe you felt like OP hit a little bit close to home. If you wouldn't say it to someone's face, what makes it okay saying it to a fellow bride? Etiquette is about being polite, so lead by example. I think the over-arching message here is chill out a little, and if someone really frustrates you, don't respond, move on.
Posted by bellabananas[/QUOTE]

Actually, I'd tell you to your face that etiquette is not about what decade you were born in or what part of the country you live in. People come on here to get real advice--if you stuck around and lurked a bit (like I have and still continue to do) you'd realize that people give <u>real</u> advice that is correct etiquette-wise. Just because you, or LaurenOliveira, don't want to roll with traditional etiquette norms or don't like it when people give real advice, doesn't mean you need to come on here and lecture a group of ladies who give great advice (and who have been here a while).

pearlaqua · April 2012

Hmmm... It is poor etiquette to tell OP that her spelling made me dizzy, isn't it?

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