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Rehearsal Dinner Drama!!! Help!!!

marieprince22marieprince22 member
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in Pre-wedding Parties

So my fiancée and I are having some major issues with his mom about the rehearsal dinner and we need help. His mom wants to have an Italian themed rehearsal dinner with the colors red, green, and white and she wants to have a heavy and late dinner.  We both hate the idea we want something simple and romantic.  We want something light for dinner and something early, the rehearsal dinner isn’t and all night party.  We both hate that color combination and we are afraid it will look more like a fiesta or Christmas.  All she wants this rehearsal dinner to be is about is her family and how they are Italian,  my whole family is well aware that her and her family are Italians,  she really doesn’t have a lot of Italian in her and her husband has no Italian in him.  She is just making it about her side of the family.  On top of that her style if very old fashion and my FI and I are afraid she is going to make this tacky and cheesy.  We have already told her that we didn’t like this idea and she threw a fit like a little child.  Also our rehearsal dinner is going to have almost 50 guest which is half or wedding, these are all of her out of town family is there any way we can cut that down or do we have to invite all of her family from out of town.   I feel like we are being the selfish ones and we just shouldn’t say anything, but she is always is telling us how this wedding is about us and the decisions are ours to make.  So far my whole wedding has been what everyone else wants and what is convent for them and my FI and I are tired of this wedding be about everyone else.   We both care about the rehearsal dinner and want to to be simple and romantic.

Anyone that has suggestions please help me!!!

Thanks

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Re: Rehearsal Dinner Drama!!! Help!!!

  • heyimbrenheyimbren member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Who is paying for the rehearsal dinner? If your FMIL is paying, then technically she does call the shots.

    If you and your FI are paying, then you can put your foot down and explain that you are the ones planning it, but you do appreciate her suggestions.
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  • lilianne22lilianne22 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    PP is right, if your FMIL is paying, she gets to plan it and invite whom she wants.  If you really don't like her ideas you can host the RD yourself and foot the bill.  It really sucks that she isn't taking you and your FI's opinions into consideration but if she's paying and you can't sway her your way, not much you can do.  GL
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  • quotequeenquotequeen member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    It sounds like FMIL offered to host this party and you agreed.  If she's the host she gets to do what she wants, and she doesn't have to take your suggestions.  If you want control over the party then decline her offer to host it and do it yourself.
    Married 10/2/10
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  • eshaufleeshaufle
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I think that really stinks that your FMIL is being so stubborn about your feelings and tastes.  It annoys me when people think that just because they're paying for something it gives them the right to dictate every aspect of it.  That's like saying just because my parents are footing the bill for my reception, wedding, dress, flowers, etc that they get the final say...uh uh...it's my wedding and when they agree to pay for something related to your wedding it should be more of a gift-like situation and they should take your input into consideration as long as it's within budget.

    I'm probably in the minority in my views on this but I know if I offered to host something in honor of a couple getting married I would be mortified if they hated my decisions...I would want it to be something they liked.  Idk...sometimes in-laws are just weird and you just have to roll your eyes and remember at least you got control of your wedding where your family and friends will be. 
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  • banana468banana468 member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited December 2011
    eshaufle, I agree with you that if *I* were doing something for the couple then I'd want to do what the couple wanted.

    BUT, not everyone sees it like that and unfortunately those with the money can make the rules of how they spend it.  It's a crappy way to treat your child but that's the deal unfortunately.

    I'd either decline the invitation or go with the plan.
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  • quotequeenquotequeen member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_rehearsal-dinner-drama-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:32Discussion:643a48cd-8f6c-4b3f-b814-e5858af06fdaPost:93ba08c7-e209-49b2-aca0-f29451fb86d3">Re: Rehearsal Dinner Drama!!! Help!!!</a>:
    [QUOTE]I think that really stinks that your FMIL is being so stubborn about your feelings and tastes.  It annoys me when people think that just because they're paying for something it gives them the right to dictate every aspect of it.  That's like saying just because my parents are footing the bill for my reception, wedding, dress, flowers, etc that they get the final say...uh uh...it's my wedding and when they agree to pay for something related to your wedding it should be more of a gift-like situation and they should take your input into consideration as long as it's within budget. I'm probably in the minority in my views on this but I know if I offered to host something in honor of a couple getting married I would be mortified if they hated my decisions...I would want it to be something they liked.  Idk...sometimes in-laws are just weird and you just have to roll your eyes and remember at least you got control of your wedding where your family and friends will be. 
    Posted by eshaufle[/QUOTE]

    A lot of people see the RD as the groom's family's opportunity to host and control something, because so much of the wedding is generally controlled by the bride's family.  To them, this is their party, not something that the couple has say in.

    It's not about whether their attitude is right or wrong.  It's just the practical reality that somebody who offers to pay for something can put strings on that money, and if you want to control it yourself, or avoid their ideas, you may have to decline the contribution.
    Married 10/2/10
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  • Kristin789Kristin789 member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    >>His mom wants to have an Italian themed rehearsal dinner with the colors red, green, and white and she wants to have a heavy and late dinner. 

    Your answer: "FMIL, thanks so much for hosting this RD party for us.  It will be so unusual and so different from the other RD parties we've been to."

    >>We both hate the idea we want something simple and romantic.  We want something light for dinner and something early, the rehearsal dinner isn’t and all night party.  We both hate that color combination and we are afraid it will look more like a fiesta or Christmas. 

    Your answer:  "FMIL, thanks so much for hosting this RD party for us.  We recognize that the RD is a celebration of the groom's family, and your choice of colors, food, and timing completely represent your Italian heritage."

    >>All she wants this rehearsal dinner to be is about is her family and how they are Italian,  my whole family is well aware that her and her family are Italians,  she really doesn’t have a lot of Italian in her and her husband has no Italian in him.  She is just making it about her side of the family.  On top of that her style if very old fashion and my FI and I are afraid she is going to make this tacky and cheesy. 

    Your answer:  "FMIL, thanks so much for hosting this RD party for us.  We know our wedding party will embrace the traditional, historical touches that you will add to this themed dinner."

    >>We have already told her that we didn’t like this idea and she threw a fit like a little child. 

    That was completely mean.

    >>Also our rehearsal dinner is going to have almost 50 guest which is half or wedding, these are all of her out of town family is there any way we can cut that down or do we have to invite all of her family from out of town. 

    Your answer:  "FMIL, thanks so much for hosting this big generous RD party for us."
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  • marieprince22marieprince22 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    So the rehearsal dinner is just about the FMIL and it is not about the bride and groom?
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  • banana468banana468 member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Marie, of course it's about the bride and groom and the upcoming nuptials.

    However when someone else hosts the party, the hosts get to determine *how* the party will be hosted and exactly what hosting it entails.

    Yes, it would be great if FMIL said to the two of you, "Your father and I will be hosting the RD.  What would you two prefer for an event?"  However your FMIL and FFIL don't owe you that.  They get to throw the party the way that they want to.

    Since your FI has expressed to her what you two would like and she has ignored that, you can either decline the RD and host it yourself or just go with the flow. 

    But unfortunately you can't tell someone HOW to host the RD when you're not paying for it.
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  • eshaufleeshaufle
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_rehearsal-dinner-drama-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:32Discussion:643a48cd-8f6c-4b3f-b814-e5858af06fdaPost:d3814082-aaef-47b7-bb81-19b633dc0a59">Re: Rehearsal Dinner Drama!!! Help!!!</a>:
    [QUOTE]So the rehearsal dinner is just about the FMIL and it is not about the bride and groom?
    Posted by marieprince22[/QUOTE]

    That was my same reaction too.  I get the concept that whoever pays should get final say but it still does seem a little strange to me.  I guess it depends on the parents and how open you can be communicating with them.  Like my parents are paying for my wedding but I feel completely comfortable telling them how that budget is going to be spent...but that's the type of relationship we have.  My fiance has a similar relationship with his parents so I would also find it weird if we didn't get input in the rehearsal dinner.

    I think it depends on the family dynamics.  I personally think it's a little crazy that a FMIL would be so against hearing about the tastes of the bride and groom but that is what my family would consider crazy behavior and maybe that's not the case with another family.
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  • Andrea_Lynn88Andrea_Lynn88 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I can see where you are coming from on this in a way, but try not to let it overshadow the important thing, which is your wedding the following day. This is your FMIL's opportunity to be the hostess and I think she is trying to be kind. I know it can be difficult when you want something your way, but sometimes you have to make compromises. Just think, at least it's JUST the rehearsal dinner and not the wedding. If your FI doesn't feel comfortable telling his mom that you guys would prefer something different, then you just have to accept it. I agree with eshaufle that it depends on what your situation with your family is. My parents and FFIL are paying for our entire wedding but have let us make all the decisions. If that is not how your FMIL sees it, then you can accept what she wants to do or pay for something yourselves. Just remember, ENJOY yourself! I hear that it passes by before you know it...
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  • donnaoneilldonnaoneill member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    The only thing I would try to press a little more is how many guests she is inviting. Isn't the RD for the WP? Half of those people can't be in the wedding party. However, whoever pays says. Pay for it yourself, or just try to be open minded. Enjoy the italian food, if you want light food, order something different or eat less. 
    "And this, our life, exempt from public haunt, finds tongues in trees, books in the running brooks, sermons in stones, and good in everything." William Shakespeare
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