Community› Wedding Discussion Boards› Moms and Maids
Moms and Maids
New Discussion
Options

Bridesmaid with issues... how do I help?

kaminohanakaminohana
First Comment
in Moms and Maids
So, I have three bridesmaids and three bridesmen.  My maid of honor is great, and the bridesmen will just show up and wear tuxes.  I pretty much expect the same of the bridesmaids (but dresses, not tuxes), plus a little pre-wedding partying (which I will probably spring for, since I know how finances are.)

Here's my dilemma. One of my bridesmaids has been my friend since 8th grade.  Unfortunately, due to some things in her past, she has some pretty serious emotional and psychological issues.  She has been pretty much negative about our wedding from the start because she is jealous that I'm getting married (which she freely admits), so I haven't been talking to her about the wedding much.  I know she's excited about being a bridesmaid for the first time, and I'm certainly glad for that. 

The problem is, not only am I facing the usual "jealous friend" behavior of backing out of (totally nonwedding related) plans at the last minute and being negative about the wedding, but I don't seem to be able to do anything to help her.  She randomly texts me about how she should kill herself because it seems like "everyone" is getting married or knocked up.  (I'm not sure that getting "knocked up" is something to be jealous of..... but oh well.)  And then starts telling me how it's because she has to hear about weddings and she can't wait any longer and so she should just kill herself.

This is an ongoing issue.  Looking at articles from different sites, I've already done the things they suggest... I've tried not talking to her about the wedding.  I've tried taking her out, spending extra time focusing on her, even talking to her more about her problems and worries (which are just about all we talk about since she's constantly texting things like the above). I've tried creating opportunities for her to get to know some of my single guysfriends too (in an attempt to help with the "I'm alone and miserable" issue) but she's not interested since they're not the "bad boy" type... I just don't know what to do about it.  Or for her.  She's such an important part of my life, and I don't want her to be hurt by this, but "my friend is jealous so won't get married" is not a reasonable solution, nor would it help her in the long run...  She won't go back to the doctor and get help for her psychological problems and suicidal and self destructive tendencies... 

I guess I'm wondering if there's anything else I can do to try to take care of her, or make her feel more comfortable...  
Report Reply to Post

Re: Bridesmaid with issues... how do I help?

  • Options
    kmmssgkmmssg mod
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011

    First off, kudos to you for being a considerate friend first, and bride second.  It certainly seems like you have done all the right things here.  I am sorry things are not going better for you with her.

    What caught my eye most is that you say she has suicidal and self destructive tendancies.  I'm assuming you have known this part along?  If not, when did this behavior begin?

    Do you know her family very well?  Can you talk to her mom or a sister, etc about your concerns for her?  Is it possible to enlist their help?

    You seem to be be doing all the right things here but not seeing much success.  I"m not sure you can turn the tide on this one, but if you can, talk with someone in her family.

    Keep doing what you are doing.  Don't discuss the wedding, etc.

    In the military we receive mandatory training regarding suicide since the rates have jumped so much.  If she mentions this again, be empathetic, do not leave her alone,  get her to an ER, and get her family involved.  Every time.  Show her you will take her comments seriously.  One of two things will happen:  she will either get some help (which it sounds like she really needs), or she will stop crying wolf.  You have no way of knowing which she is doing and you don't want to make that kind of decision.

    Part of me wonders if she is just a miserable person who would marry the first guy who asked her (my sister would do that in a hearbeat.  Oh wait, she already has a couple of times) and she is sucking the joy out of your wedding because she can't have the same.  The other part of me realizes I don't know her at all and she may really need a strong professional intervention.

    Best of luck to you.

    Report Reply
  • Options
    SSaltzman87SSaltzman87 member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_bridesmaid-issues-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:f6b9d7b0-e996-4a87-b5df-c2e2d97aaf00Post:562c3408-6b9e-401c-b81d-62953fcb99a4">Re: Bridesmaid with issues... how do I help?</a>:
    [QUOTE]<strong>First off, kudos to you for being a considerate friend first, and bride second.  It certainly seems like you have done all the right things here.  I am sorry things are not going better for you with her.  </strong>

    In the military we receive mandatory training regarding suicide since the rates have jumped so much.  If she mentions this again, be empathetic, do not leave her alone,  get her to an ER, and get her family involved.  Every time.  Show her you will take her comments seriously.  One of two things will happen:  she will either get some help (which it sounds like she really needs), or she will stop crying wolf.  You have no way of knowing which she is doing and you don't want to make that kind of decision. Part of me wonders if she is just a miserable person who would marry the first guy who asked her (my sister would do that in a hearbeat.  Oh wait, she already has a couple of times) and she is sucking the joy out of your wedding because she can't have the same.  The other part of me realizes I don't know her at all and she may really need a strong professional intervention. Best of luck to you.
    Posted by kmmssg[/QUOTE]
    In reference to the bolded part- YES YES YES! Thank you for actually being a friend and a bride second. Not many brides here have done that in less serious situations.

    It seriously sounds like she needs professional help and to build her self-esteem. I too agree that maybe talking to a family member of hers might be able to help.
    <a href="http://www.thenest.com/?utm_source=ticker&utm_medium=HTML&utm_campaign=tickers" title="Money Saving Tips"><img src="http://global.thenest.com/tickers/tt17ce82.aspx" alt="Anniversary" border="0"  /></a>

    White Knot

    Planning Bio-Added FOR SALE page, will be adding more stuff to it soon! 
    Report Reply
  • Options
    KateG528KateG528 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    ITA with the other girls. She sounds like she needs serious help. Suicide is not something to casually joke about and if she is seriously making comments like this often she is either 
    a) seeking attention and needs to grow up
    or
    b) really in need of professionaly help. 
    As it is not always easy to tell which, I agree with the comments above about taking her to get help each time she says this. Talk to her immediate family and see if they agree. It may come down to having an intervention and forcing her to get help. She wont like it initailly but in the long run she will appreciate that you cared enough to help her when she didnt want help. Kudos to you for being a good friend. 

    Girls who go for a badboy type have to learn the hard way and sometimes the never learn. She may just have to learn the hard way.. Good luck and please get her help if you can.
    Warning No formatter is installed for the format bbhtml
    Report Reply
  • Options
    LoveMuffinsLoveMuffins member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Omg, I'm kinda wondering if we're sharing a bridesmaid. I'm having this exact problem. All of our friends have been now told her that we think she needs a therapist - I even recommended mine because I KNOW she would get along well with him, and another of our friends just started seeing him recently, but she keeps saying that she doesn't need therapy. I'm not sure what she thinks she needs.

    We're seriously considering calling her mom and having her drive up here and having an intervention with her, similar to what you would do with an alcoholic, and press my BM to get help. I don't know if you feel comfortable doing that. My friends and I certainly don't, but we don't know what to do at this point because nothing we're doing seems to be helping.

    Best of luck. and *HUGS*
    I don't think I've ever been in a crappier situation,a nd it sucks because you end up feeling bad about getting married and being happy, and that's not good either.
    Rocking the Dress with my Bestie
    image
    Vacation
    Married Bio
    Day Zero / Blog
    Report Reply
  • Options
    kaminohanakaminohana
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Love Muffins: I know what you mean...   I've had lots of suicidal friends before (how sad does that sound??), but the older you get, the harder it is to make someone get help...  When we were kids I could just tell a guidance counsellor and the grown ups took care of it, but once you grow up it's not so easy anymore...

    Everyone, Thank you for the insights.  I did talk to her mom, who she lives with, and she said she'd keep a closer eye on her, but it sounds like her mom hasn't been able to get her to go get help either.  I'm hoping and praying that she will get help, but if this continues without improvement, I might mention the intervention idea to her mom.  I know she has many friends who would be willing to help in convincing her to get help.  

    In the meantime, how do you get someone to go to the ER if they don't want to...? Any ideas?
    Report Reply
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards