Christian Weddings

FFIL doing pre-marital counseling?

The one and only thing that my FI has requested of our wedding is that his father, who is a pastor, be the one to marry us. I respect that, am excited to ask him, and know that my FFIL will help ease my nerves on the big day (I so don't do the center of attention thing!)

But what about pre-marital counseling? I don't know every question he would normally ask of any other couple, but I am anxious about the concept of doing that with my FFIL. I am certainly not comfortable talking about sex with him. I can only imagine that pre-marital counseling includes some discussion about the couples' families of origin, and I don't want FI to feel in the hotseat or to make my family's dirty laundry common knowledge to my FFIL.

FI understands my concerns, but not enough to think of alternatives yet. Since we just got engaged (one week ago!), we have not yet formally asked FFIL to be our officiant -- I can really only presume what he will expect from us. 

Sorry this is really long and rant-y... I guess I just need someone to tell me if I'm crazy!
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Re: FFIL doing pre-marital counseling?

  • fpaemp2011fpaemp2011 member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer Name Dropper
    edited July 2012
    Congrats on your engagement!  My FIL officiated our wedding.  When we asked him if he would do it (the wedding), he told us then that he wanted us to do some form of premartial counseling, but said he would not do it (counseling).  

    If you all live in the same area, maybe ask if he knows other pastors who would be willing to meet with you and your FI, or see if any churches in your area offer a premarital class (a church in our college town offered one as a sunday school class for a semester, so that's what we did).

    Do you go to a different church than the one your FFIL pastors?  Could you meet with one of your pastors?

    Edited to clarify the overuse of "it."
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_ffil-doing-pre-marital-counseling?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:b00ce9ba-849d-4400-8d19-5d6c7ef5e4c3Post:32cfaed6-a960-43e9-bb85-182685fdb6f0">Re: FFIL doing pre-marital counseling?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Congrats on your engagement!  My FIL officiated our wedding.  When we asked him if he would do it (the wedding), he told us then that he wanted us to do some form of premartial counseling, but said he would not do it (counseling).   If you all live in the same area, maybe ask if he knows other pastors who would be willing to meet with you and your FI, or see if any churches in your area offer a premarital class (a church in our college town offered one as a sunday school class for a semester, so that's what we did). Do you go to a different church than the one your FFIL pastors?  Could you meet with one of your pastors? Edited to clarify the overuse of "it."
    Posted by fpaemp2011[/QUOTE]

    <div>I could not have said it any better Emily!  Congrats on the engagement! My dad did our wedding and DH's pastor did our pre marital counseling and it worked out really well. </div>
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  • DramaGeekDramaGeek member
    5 Love Its First Comment
    edited July 2012
    There is no way on God's green earth I would have done premarital counseling with any member of our families.  My guess is that, like Emily's FIL, he won't want to do your counseling.  I don't see any problem with asking him to officiate and then explaining that you want to do premarital counseling but don't feel comfortable doing it with him, if he doesn't bring it up first.  Emily's suggestions of seeing if he has someone he would recommend or asking around at your own church are excellent.  You could also see a Christian marriage and family therapist instead of a pastor.
  • Thanks so much, ladies! I really hope he suggests it first so I don't have to bring it up, but I am thankful for the options! You're all great!
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  • Agree with PP's! My dad did our ceremony, but DH and I asked our own pastor to do the premarital counseling. It also made more sense b/c we got married in our own church (not my dad's) and our pastor performed the opening of the wedding ceremony, so he was part of our big day anyway.

    From what I've heard of others, most pastors don't want to do the premarital counseling with their kids either b/c they also know it can be kinda awkward, haha. So I would start brainstorming others in your area who could do that part for you.
  • We thought about having my FI's uncle marry us, but neither of us was comfortable doing pre-marital counseling with him (his family is a lot more conservative than mine).  It worked out that my pastor is going to marry us instead so we're just doing to do pre-marital counseling with him.

    See if there's another pastor that could do your counseling, like pps said.  It's nothing personal, it just sometimes works better if there's an unbiased third party.
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  • I would definitely have another pastor do your counseling.

    We did our counseling with DH's former pastor, and had my former pastor officiate for us. It worked well. Granted, our officiant lived in FLA at the time. ;)
  • You  are not crazy! Like the other ladies said, your FFIL probably won't even want to do your couseling. Are there other pastors at the church? Perhaps one of them can do the counseling, or maybe another couple in the church. Just some ideas
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  • I wouldn't want a family member to do so either that's just awkward.

    FWIW, there are some pastors that don't do the actual premarital counselling. Ours doesn't, and referred us to a Marriage and Family Therapist for that instead.

  • I agree with all the PP's. I'm sure you'll figure out someone else to do the counseling and have your FFIL do the ceremony. Congrats on your engagement!! 
  • The pastor who married us has himself never been married, so another pastor at church did the pre-marital counseling for us.  It was NBD.
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