XP with Etiquette: How to handle situation with FMIL/FFIL when the time comes?

Re: XP with Etiquette: How to handle situation with FMIL/FFIL when the time comes?

• bethsmiles member

  

  March 2013

  Since you're not engaged yet I really don't think you need to be worrying about it.
  
  However, if they do offer to pay for part of the wedding the easiest way to handle it is accept their offer and budget to pay for whatever it is yourselves if it falls through. Or thank them for their offer but tell them it's not necessary.

  
  

  
  

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• kmbirkel member

  

  March 2013 edited March 2013

  In Response to Re:XP with Etiquette: How to handle situation with FMIL/FFIL when the time comes?:[QUOTE]Since you're not engaged yet I really don't think you need to be worrying about it. However, if they do offer to pay for part of the wedding the easiest way to handle it is accept their offer and budget to pay for whatever it is yourselves if it falls through. Or thank them for their offer but tell them it's not necessary. Posted by bethsmiles[/QUOTE]
  
  Thanks for your reply. If I am anticipating their actions correctly, I think this conversation will happen the minute we announce to them that we're engaged. That's why I'm worrying about it now, so I know what to say that day!

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• Knottie_22382049 member

  March 2013

  Answered you on E. 

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• lennonkdc member

  

  March 2013

  Trust me I know where you are coming from....we've run into the same issue. 

  
  

  So here's what we're doing, and what I suggest you do- plan to pay for this wedding 100% on your own. Start saving now. If others contribute, great, you will not regret having saved money that you didn't 'need' for the wedding. However, don't count the money until its in your account or been paid to the vendor. 

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  

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• Knottie_22387048

  March 2013

  I absolutely agree with Lennon. Plan to pay for 100% of your wedding. Any extra money is a bonus. Don't count on anyone's money (not even your own family's) until it's physically in your posession. Plenty have run into trouble by expecting money that never arrived.
  
  If his family offers, graciously accept it, but also don't count on it.

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• kmbirkel member

  

  March 2013

  Thanks for the advice, everyone!

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• ravenray member

  

  March 2013 edited March 2013

  Beth and Lennon hit it right on the head.  I wouldn't worry about this too much and you can and should decline their money.  

   

  Remember whoever pays gets a say.  However, after reading some other people's replies, I agree with accepting their money wouldn't be terrible, but I would still be hesitant about it. 

  "Love is not affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person's ultimate good as far as it can be obtained"-C.S. Lewis

  Married! May 27th, 2012

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• suzie211 member

  

  March 2013

  I agree 100% with Beth and Lennon.  You really do not need to worry about this until you are engaged. 
  
  Wedding plans and budgets do not get set the day you get engaged, unless you have been pre-planning.  That is something the engagement period is for and not encouraged here. Take the first few days or weeks of your engagement to enjoy that moment in your life.   Also step back and enjoy this time you have right now with your SO before all of that changes. 
  
  As for the money,  once you are engaged plan for a wedding that you and your SO can pay for on your own.  If your SO's parents promise money and aren't reliable you have two options.  One is to accept their offer, but budget and pay for whatever they offer yourselves.  If they then pay you back or have the money, you are now ahead of your budget.  The other would be to decline their offer all together.
  
  Good luck.

  
  

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• beanbot2002 member

  

  March 2013 edited March 2013

  Don't ever count on money until it's in your hands. And don't worry about planning a wedding until you're engaged. I know you want to plan for a conversation, but I think this is an instance where you can just sit back and relax for right now. Even though BF has the ring, it could be months, maybe longer, before he proposes. No need to stress about a conversation that may or may not happen.
  
  Also, and I'm saying this gently-not harshly, try very hard not to judge his parents. It will be crappy to begin your relationship with them from such a standpoint. I do see what you're saying and why their past actions have caused you upset, because you love and want to protect your BF. You have to remember, and realize, that you were not in their shoes. You don't know, completely, what their situation was when BF was younger. I'm sure that their financial instability has been a source of stress and embarrassment in their lives. They probably long to pull it together, but somehow it never works out.
  
  What they need is a financial counselor. Some might say, "Well they're in their 60s now, they should have figured it out by this point." That is not necessarily true. Some folks never figure it out on their own, and it's not too late for them. Do you think that they would be receptive to BF offering to help them find such a counselor? Your motivation for this should be wanting them to gain some financial stability of their own, not helping with a wedding. I'm not saying that's what your motivation would be, just warning agaist it.
  
  Anyhow, there's my $0.02.
  
  ETA: cause I said 'to late' instead of 'too late' and I'm judging myself right now. dammit.

  "Stuart was scared, but he loved Margalo, Mommy. And there is nothing bigger than love." -The Bean
   "His farts smell like Satan's asshole mixed with a skunk's vagina. But it's okay, because I love him." -CSousa

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

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• peekaboo2011 member

  

  March 2013 edited March 2013

  Bean wins the internet this morning.  She is wise.  And you've gotten some fantastic advice from the ladies on E.

  
  

  Don't worry about this now.  If he proposes tomorrow and it comes up tomorrow, tell them you truly appreciate their offer but for the moment you want to enjoy being engaged and look forward to engaging them in the planning process with you when you and your SO are ready.

  I french with my man
  
  

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• kmbirkel member

  

  March 2013

  Thanks for the added replies!
  
  Suzie, the thing is that SO and I have been living together for a long time - when I was away at college and came home for breaks I'd live with him, so if you count that time, it's been five years. If you only count living together full-time after graduation, it's been three years now. We've been talking about getting married for a couple of years now and our families know about it, so that's why I think everyone (not just us) is kind of in pre-planning mode... my dad told me what his budget was for contributing already, prompted only by his knowledge that we were starting to look at/shop for a ring! I will keep your advice in mind though. I do want to enjoy the engagement. I think there will be plenty of that because I expect even once we get engaged the wedding won't be for at least a year, maybe longer... but regardless, I know you're right. And I'm getting pretty strong vibes that my worrying/planning now is not approved of here on TK, so I'll temper my questions/posts about it after this.
  
  Bean, my BF has been chomping at the bit so much to get engaged I'll be amazed if he can hold onto the ring for two weeks before he proposes! But he could surprise me, so we'll see. As far as your thoughts on their finances and our relationship goes, you are completely right. We (myself and BF's parents) have been developing our relationship over all this time - over 7 years now, as I mentioned earlier - and it's definitely had its rocky parts. Things are much better now than they were, but we still have a long way to go, and I know my somewhat resentful and judgy attitude toward them when it comes to their financial history is a major obstacle to getting there. (And you're right about another thing too, my feelings about that are completely due to my feelings for BF - I go BSC on anyone who hurts him - I'm sure many of you understand that! Keeping my mouth shut about their financial choices all these years hasn't been easy, but I know it wouldn't be productive to tell them what I think, so I don't!)
  
  I think them working with a financial counselor is an excellent idea, but I don't know that they'd be receptive to the idea... they tend to look at the short-term effects of things, not the long-term effects. Seeing a financial counselor probably costs money, just like seeing a mental health counselor, yes? I suspect they'd say "we can't afford that right now," even if paying $100 or $200 for a couple of sessions would help them dramatically in the long run. But BF can always try.
  
  BF and I set an "appointment" today to talk about some financial stuff this Sunday when we're both off work and presumably when he'll be feeling better, so I'll bring it up with him then.

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• loves2shop4shoes member

  

  March 2013

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_xp-with-etiquette-how-to-handle-situation-with-fmilffil-when-the-time-comes?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:37418fb9-6bc4-4dbe-ac57-16e4f1c493a0Post:e7b8b931-b8d6-4528-9deb-18d5dfdaacb0">XP with Etiquette: How to handle situation with FMIL/FFIL when the time comes?</a>:
  [QUOTE]Hi all, I apologize in advance for the length of this post! I will do my best to keep it concise and relevant! SO and I are not engaged yet, but I know he's planning to pop the question sometime soon (we recently custom designed and ordered the ring together, so it's kind of a given :) ) and I am 95% sure I can anticipate how his parents will react when we tell them we're engaged. We've been together over 7 years and live near them, so I know them very well. I was hoping to get your advice ahead of time so I know how to respond to what I expect will happen, if/when it does. SO's family was poor as he was growing up, due in large part to both of his parents having trouble holding down a job and making financial decisions demonstrating poor judgment on a regular basis. There isn't really a way to say this gently, but his parents have a long track record - ever since he was a kid - of not providing basic necessities for him when he was younger and, as he got older, making promises (seemingly with genuinely good intentions) and later not following through. Most of these situations have involved money; they wanted to support him and raise him well, but from what I can tell, have never really figured out how to have a healthy relationship with money or how to budget properly, even now as they're turning 60. Their financial situation hasn't changed in the past few years (thankfully, they have held down their current jobs for a while now), but they're now moving out of the house they moved into just a year ago because they realized they can't afford it after all, and their cell phone service gets shut off at regular 3-month intervals because they only pay it when it gets past due and the company shuts them down. The last time their power got shut off because they couldn't pay the bill, they ate out at nice restaurants every meal for a week because "we can't cook at home." Years ago, they grandly promised to pay for SO's college education and then pulled their funding right before his last semester - sadly, he couldn't get approved for student loans or afford to pay it himself with the money from his part-time job, and had to drop out. (They never even apologized for that one.) Hopefully you get the picture. Obviously I have a lot of resentment toward that, and SO does too (though, strangely, not as much as I do) - we plan to do some premarital counseling before we get married to help us sort out how to handle some of these feelings and issues. ANYWAY. As I've said, I know SO's parents and their behavioral patterns pretty well at this point. I am about 95% sure that when we tell them we're engaged, they will be very happy for us and tell us they want to pay for some part of the wedding, or contribute in some significant way. They've been saying for years I'm the daughter they never had and they can't wait to celebrate welcoming me into the family officially one day, and I know they'll want to pitch in. However, SO and I have absolutely zero confidence that they would follow through with this promise - something will come up right before the wedding and whatever they've committed to will fall apart. I hope I don't sound ungrateful here. SO's parents, while they can be misguided at times, are good people at heart - I care about them, and I don't want to upset them. I'm afraid they'll be deeply hurt if we decline an offer to pay for something or contribute somehow, but I don't know what else to do. I also don't want for some major thing to go wrong at the wedding, like we have no food because they didn't pay the caterer! I know some of you may be wondering where the money for the rest of the wedding will come from. My dad plans to contribute a significant amount, and I know he will follow through. I don't think my mom can afford much, if anything, but I trust that she'll be honest and direct about what she can or can't do. So, realistically, SO and I expect to pay ourselves for anything beyond what my dad's contribution will cover. We don't make or have a lot of money, so it won't be anything terribly fancy. Thank you for your time, everyone. I really appreciate you reading all this, and I hope someone can suggest how I might be able to handle this situation if/when it arises. Thanks again!
  Posted by kmbirkel[/QUOTE]
  
  Hello, and welcome.  Let me tell you a little story.  When I got engaged, H and I had put aside money for our wedding.  Then my father offered to pay for the entire wedding.  My father has money.  I had no reason to doubt him.  So  H and I took the money we had saved for the wedding and used it to pay down our student loans.  Then right as we were going to put a deposit down on a venue, my dad told us that he couldn't pay for our wedding.
  
  Moral of the story:  don't count on anyone else to pay for your wedding.  Your FILs might offer to pay.  Thank them for their offer and graciously accept (if you want to).  But don't be naive and RELY on the money.  The same goes for your own parents.  Regardless of how trustworthy someone is with money, your wedding day is too important of an event to trust that someone will just fork over thousands of dollars...even if that person is someone you should be able to trust.
  
  I know that sounds awful and cynical.  But learn from my mistakes.  Figure out with your BF (AFTER HE PROPOSES) how much YOU can afford to spend, and plan your budget based on that.  Do not trust that ANYONE will give you a dime until the money has cleared in your bank account.
  
  Another thing to consider:  if someone else financially contributes to your wedding, that person will think that he/she has a right to be involved in the decision making for your big day. 
  
  Things to consider...WHEN THE TIME COMES.

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• kmbirkel member

  

  March 2013

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_xp-with-etiquette-how-to-handle-situation-with-fmilffil-when-the-time-comes?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:37418fb9-6bc4-4dbe-ac57-16e4f1c493a0Post:d1a3003f-ccbc-4a60-9c82-2424dce1897f">Re: XP with Etiquette: How to handle situation with FMIL/FFIL when the time comes?</a>:
  [QUOTE]In Response to XP with Etiquette: How to handle situation with FMIL/FFIL when the time comes? : Hello, and welcome.  Let me tell you a little story.  When I got engaged, H and I had put aside money for our wedding.  Then my father offered to pay for the entire wedding.  My father has money.  I had no reason to doubt him.  So  H and I took the money we had saved for the wedding and used it to pay down our student loans.  Then right as we were going to put a deposit down on a venue, my dad told us that he couldn't pay for our wedding. Moral of the story:  don't count on anyone else to pay for your wedding.  Your FILs might offer to pay.  Thank them for their offer and graciously accept (if you want to).  But don't be naive and RELY on the money.  The same goes for your own parents.  Regardless of how trustworthy someone is with money, your wedding day is too important of an event to trust that someone will just fork over thousands of dollars...even if that person is someone you should be able to trust. I know that sounds awful and cynical.  But learn from my mistakes.  Figure out with your BF (AFTER HE PROPOSES) how much YOU can afford to spend, and plan your budget based on that.  Do not trust that ANYONE will give you a dime until the money has cleared in your bank account. Another thing to consider:  if someone else financially contributes to your wedding, that person will think that he/she has a right to be involved in the decision making for your big day.  Things to consider...WHEN THE TIME COMES.
  Posted by loves2shop4shoes[/QUOTE]
  
  Thanks for this! I appreciate your input. And wow, what a story. What did you end up doing - how did you pay for the venue? Or did you have to choose a different place at the last minute? I'm sorry that happened to you, but I WILL learn from your mistake! <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-smile.gif" border="0" alt="Smile" title="Smile" />

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• loves2shop4shoes member

  

  March 2013

  Yeah.
  
  The complicated part of the story is that my dad didn't have the money to pay for the wedding because my mother chose to sue him for alimony from 1991.  #shityoucan'tmakeup.
  
  Anyway, H and I had to completely scrap all of our plans.  We had to figure out how much money we could save before the wedding.  We built our budget around that.  We changed our venue from Boston, MA to Lincolnville, ME.  I got a $100 wedding dress.  I got my flowers from Costco.  We provided all of the liquor ourselves.  Etc. Etc. Etc.
  
  It was tough though.  And I'll never forgive my parents for it.  But if I were smarter about it, and hadn't relied on my dad to keep his problem, the impact of all of this would not have been anywhere NEAR as devastating.
  
  So learn form my stupidity.

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• beanbot2002 member

  

  March 2013

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_xp-with-etiquette-how-to-handle-situation-with-fmilffil-when-the-time-comes?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:37418fb9-6bc4-4dbe-ac57-16e4f1c493a0Post:54543961-fbc4-4969-a952-8f3bdecd497a">Re: XP with Etiquette: How to handle situation with FMIL/FFIL when the time comes?</a>:
  [QUOTE]<strong>Bean wins the internet this morning.</strong>  She is wise.  And you've gotten some fantastic advice from the ladies on E. Don't worry about this now.  If he proposes tomorrow and it comes up tomorrow, tell them you truly appreciate their offer but for the moment you want to enjoy being engaged and look forward to engaging them in the planning process with you when you and your SO are ready.
  Posted by peekaboo2011[/QUOTE]
  
  YESSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  "Stuart was scared, but he loved Margalo, Mommy. And there is nothing bigger than love." -The Bean
   "His farts smell like Satan's asshole mixed with a skunk's vagina. But it's okay, because I love him." -CSousa

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

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• kmbirkel member

  

  March 2013

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_xp-with-etiquette-how-to-handle-situation-with-fmilffil-when-the-time-comes?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:37418fb9-6bc4-4dbe-ac57-16e4f1c493a0Post:faa01bc1-787b-4c07-a175-0133eceb52d9">Re: XP with Etiquette: How to handle situation with FMIL/FFIL when the time comes?</a>:
  [QUOTE]Yeah. The complicated part of the story is that my dad didn't have the money to pay for the wedding because my mother chose to sue him for alimony from 1991.  #shityoucan'tmakeup. Anyway, H and I had to completely scrap all of our plans.  We had to figure out how much money we could save before the wedding.  We built our budget around that.  We changed our venue from Boston, MA to Lincolnville, ME.  I got a $100 wedding dress.  I got my flowers from Costco.  We provided all of the liquor ourselves.  Etc. Etc. Etc. It was tough though.  And I'll never forgive my parents for it.  But if I were smarter about it, and hadn't relied on my dad to keep his problem, the impact of all of this would not have been anywhere NEAR as devastating. So learn form my stupidity.
  Posted by loves2shop4shoes[/QUOTE]
  
  Wow... :( what a mess! Did you end up having a great time, despite all the sacrifices you weren't expecting to have to make? Did you incur debt you had to pay off later to pull it off? I hope I'm being nosy, I just can't even imagine how I would respond if I ended up in your situation. I am definitely going to take to heart the advice you're all offering to only plan the wedding BF and I can afford (when the time comes).
  
  If something were to happen to my dad between now and then, well - first and foremost, I'd be heartbroken, but secondly/when it comes to the wedding, I suspect my stepmom would no longer feel like contributing as much as my dad has offered without him there to enforce that. (And I now see from spending a little time on the budget board that his offer is even more generous than I'd realized... based on the few weddings I've attended, which I'm starting to realize were all rather extravagant, I wondered if his offer would cover even 1/3 of ours... but now that I've lurked on the budget board for a few days, I don't think I'd be welcome there even using his contribution as our ENTIRE budget, to be honest).
  
  I wonder how my dad would feel about us planning a less expensive wedding - limited to what BF and I can afford ourselves alone, just in case - and then, assuming he does follow through with giving the funds he's offered, putting any extra toward our honeymoon and/or to help cover the down payment on a house. It sounds silly to say that, but knowing him, he might actually like the idea. He's been telling us for years we should start looking into getting a house; he firmly believes we'd be better off in one than renting an apartment like we are now, and that the current market is a good time to buy one!
  
  Oy, this stuff is so <em>complicated.</em> XD

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• loves2shop4shoes member

  

  March 2013 edited March 2013

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_xp-with-etiquette-how-to-handle-situation-with-fmilffil-when-the-time-comes?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:37418fb9-6bc4-4dbe-ac57-16e4f1c493a0Post:12621e46-2fef-4065-a8e7-7a720d50f31d">Re: XP with Etiquette: How to handle situation with FMIL/FFIL when the time comes?</a>:
  [QUOTE]In Response to Re: XP with Etiquette: How to handle situation with FMIL/FFIL when the time comes? : Wow... :( what a mess! Did you end up having a great time, despite all the sacrifices you weren't expecting to have to make? Did you incur debt you had to pay off later to pull it off? I hope I'm being nosy, I just can't even imagine how I would respond if I ended up in your situation. I am definitely going to take to heart the advice you're all offering to only plan the wedding BF and I can afford (when the time comes). If something were to happen to my dad between now and then, well - first and foremost, I'd be heartbroken, but secondly/when it comes to the wedding, I suspect my stepmom would no longer feel like contributing as much as my dad has offered without him there to enforce that. (And I now see from spending a little time on the budget board that his offer is even more generous than I'd realized... based on the few weddings I've attended, which I'm starting to realize were all rather extravagant, I wondered if his offer would cover even 1/3 of ours... but now that I've lurked on the budget board for a few days, I don't think I'd be welcome there even using his contribution as our ENTIRE budget, to be honest). I wonder how my dad would feel about us planning a less expensive wedding - limited to what BF and I can afford ourselves alone, just in case - and then, assuming he does follow through with giving the funds he's offered, putting any extra toward our honeymoon and/or to help cover the down payment on a house. It sounds silly to say that, but knowing him, he might actually like the idea. He's been telling us for years we should start looking into getting a house; he firmly believes we'd be better off in one than renting an apartment like we are now, and that the current market is a good time to buy one! Oy, this stuff is so complicated. XD
  Posted by kmbirkel[/QUOTE]
  
  We did incur some debt.  Thankfully, we were more than able to pay it off with the the money we received from wedding gifts.
  
  I think we still had a beautiful wedding, despite the budget problems.  A lot about our wedding changed.  Originally it was going to be a church wedding with a very formal Boston reception.  We ended up having an outdoor ceremony and a less formal reception...in Maine.  And honestly, I was happy with the way everything came together.  Nothing looked cheap, IMO.  I mean, we even served lobster rolls with the passed hors d'oerves.
  
  The only thing I had an issue with was having a buffet.  And that's because my family thinks they are tacky.  But whatever...it was what we could afford.  And if I had had my original budget, I would've gone for a more expensive dress.  But it's ok.  It was still the happiest day of my life.

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• kmbirkel member

  

  March 2013 edited March 2013

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_xp-with-etiquette-how-to-handle-situation-with-fmilffil-when-the-time-comes?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:37418fb9-6bc4-4dbe-ac57-16e4f1c493a0Post:f6e2dee7-d4b9-42eb-bc04-27993b1cb46a">Re: XP with Etiquette: How to handle situation with FMIL/FFIL when the time comes?</a>:
  [QUOTE]In Response to Re: XP with Etiquette: How to handle situation with FMIL/FFIL when the time comes? : We did incur some debt.  Thankfully, we were more than able to pay it off with the the money we received from wedding gifts. I think we still had a beautiful wedding, despite the budget problems.  A lot about our wedding changed.  Originally it was going to be a church wedding with a very formal Boston reception.  We ended up having an outdoor ceremony and a less formal reception...in Maine.  And honestly, I was happy with the way everything came together.  Nothing looked cheap, IMO.  I mean, we even served lobster rolls with the passed hors d'oerves. The only thing I had an issue with was having a buffet.  And that's because my family thinks they are tacky.  But whatever...it was what we could afford.  And if I had had my original budget, I would've gone for a more expensive dress.  But it's ok.  It was still the happiest day of my life.
  Posted by loves2shop4shoes[/QUOTE]
  
  It sounds like it worked out wonderfully in the end. :) I'm happy for you.

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• suzie211 member

  

  March 2013

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_xp-with-etiquette-how-to-handle-situation-with-fmilffil-when-the-time-comes?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:37418fb9-6bc4-4dbe-ac57-16e4f1c493a0Post:4f2e7919-006c-40ce-a483-510140c0c308">Re: XP with Etiquette: How to handle situation with FMIL/FFIL when the time comes?</a>:
  [QUOTE]Thanks for the added replies! Suzie,<strong> the thing is that SO and I have been living together for a long time - when I was away at college and came home for breaks I'd live with him, so if you count that time, it's been five years. If you only count living together full-time after graduation, it's been three years now. We've been talking about getting married for a couple of years now and our families know about it, so that's why I think everyone (not just us) is kind of in pre-planning mode</strong>... my dad told me what his budget was for contributing already, prompted only by his knowledge that we were starting to look at/shop for a ring! I will keep your advice in mind though. I do want to enjoy the engagement. I think there will be plenty of that because I expect even once we get engaged the wedding won't be for <strong>at least a year, maybe longer</strong>... but regardless, I know you're right. And I'm getting pretty strong vibes that my worrying/planning now is not approved of here on TK, so I'll temper my questions/posts about it after this.
  
  
  <strong>I wonder how my dad would feel about us planning a less expensive wedding</strong> - limited to what BF and I can afford ourselves alone, just in case - and then, assuming he does follow through with giving the funds he's offered, putting any extra toward our honeymoon and/or to help cover the down payment on a house. It sounds silly to say that, but knowing him, he might actually like the idea. He's been telling us for years we should start looking into getting a house; he firmly believes we'd be better off in one than renting an apartment like we are now, and that the current market is a good time to buy one!
  
  Posted by kmbirkel[/QUOTE]
  
  
  
  
  
  It's good that you and your SO have been open and talked about marriage for so long, and great that your family is supportive.    Yes, everyone will be excited for you, but that does not mean a budget needs to be hashed out the second you have a ring on your finger.   Just because you feel that you've been together a long time doesn't mean you should be pre-planning anything. 
  
  Right now you only know what money you and your SO have to contribute, and what your dad has said he would.    You're getting ahead of yourself.  Worry about this when the engagement happens.  What you think you want today might not be the same in two weeks or six months. 
  
  FI would ask me in the weeks leading up to our engagement if we could get married for "x" budget and sometimes would ask about certain venues.  I would always tell him probably. None of that really mattered until we were engaged.  We sat down and seriously made a budget.  Before that I knew there was a ring because I had gone to the jeweler with him, but I wasn't setting a budget until I was officially engaged.
  
  Once we did get a budget, what I had in mind with our budget and what FI had in mind are two completely different weddings.  If I had pre-planned anything I would have been screwed.  The wedding I have planned is a blend of us.   So if you are taking input (i.e money) from others, your wedding may not look anything like you envision it today even with knowing your budget.
  
  Please stop worrying so much about the money.  You will figure it out when the time comes.

  
  

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• kmbirkel member

  

  March 2013

  Suzie, you make a lot of sense. Thank you!

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