In need of advice PLEASE!

RMK52612 · February 2013

So here is the situation ... recently it has come to light that a groomsman in our wedding has been having an affair with a close friend of ours. Clearly all three people are invited to the wedding considering the wedding is in 66 days and this is just coming to light now. At this point everyone is saying the wedding is far enough away where they can make whatever decisions they need to make but the groomsman is suggesting he not be in the wedding at all or only attend the ceremony and pictures because he cannot be in the same room as the other woman and neither can the wife most likely. Clearly I am taking the position that this is the day i have been dreaming about FOREVER and how dare they jeopardize our day because of their selfishness. We have not yet received a reply card from the other woman but at this point i have no reason to believe she would be declining the invite. I have no idea how to approach this because we do not want to uninvite anyone because then how do we know who else would end up not coming because of it and I mean these are all people we spend almost every weekend with. They have been there throughout our entire relationship. We have all been planning this together more or less ... i just really am at a loss and open to suggestions ... for the record i do not condone any of this and in my mind they are both guilty and need to suck it up!

Thoughts????

Wzz · February 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_in-need-of-advice-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:2a93c6f9-3542-4f67-8f3b-6a8d98cdbd5bPost:9786a111-f786-4fe8-99d5-60b0764d6756">In need of advice PLEASE!</a>:
[QUOTE]So here is the situation ... recently it has come to light that a groomsman in our wedding has been having an affair with a close friend of ours. Clearly all three people are invited to the wedding considering the wedding is in 66 days and this is just coming to light now. At this point everyone is saying the wedding is far enough away where they can make whatever decisions they need to make but the groomsman is suggesting he not be in the wedding at all or only attend the ceremony and pictures because he cannot be in the same room as the other woman and neither can the wife most likely. Clearly I am taking the position that this is the day i have been dreaming about FOREVER and how dare they jeopardize our day because of their selfishness. We have not yet received a reply card from the other woman but at this point i have no reason to believe she would be declining the invite. I have no idea how to approach this because we do not want to uninvite anyone because then how do we know who else would end up not coming because of it and I mean these are all people we spend almost every weekend with. They have been there throughout our entire relationship. We have all been planning this together more or less ... i just really am at a loss and open to suggestions ... for the record i do not condone any of this and in my mind they are both guilty and need to suck it up! Thoughts????
Posted by RMK52612[/QUOTE]

how did this come to light? did you catch them in the supermarket making out? or did you hear it through the grapevine? i think this is an important detail.

tawillers · February 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_in-need-of-advice-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:2a93c6f9-3542-4f67-8f3b-6a8d98cdbd5bPost:9786a111-f786-4fe8-99d5-60b0764d6756">In need of advice PLEASE!</a>:
[QUOTE]So here is the situation ... recently it has come to light that a groomsman in our wedding has been having an affair with a close friend of ours. Clearly all three people are invited to the wedding considering the wedding is in 66 days and this is just coming to light now. At this point everyone is saying the wedding is far enough away where they can make whatever decisions they need to make but the groomsman is suggesting he not be in the wedding at all or only attend the ceremony and pictures because he cannot be in the same room as the other woman and neither can the wife most likely. Clearly I am taking the position that <strong>this is the day i have been dreaming about FOREVER and how dare they jeopardize our day because of their selfishness</strong>. We have not yet received a reply card from the other woman but at this point i have no reason to believe she would be declining the invite. I have no idea how to approach this because we do not want to uninvite anyone because then how do we know who else would end up not coming because of it and I mean these are all people we spend almost every weekend with. They have been there throughout our entire relationship. We have all been planning this together more or less ... i just really am at a loss and open to suggestions ... for the record i do not condone any of this and in my mind they are both guilty and need to suck it up! Thoughts????
Posted by RMK52612[/QUOTE]

Ok, whoa. The bolded part is absolute ridiculousness on your part. How about "how dare he jeopardize his relationship with his wife?"

In the end, none of this is your business. You have to trust that these are adults and will act accordingly. If he chooses not to be in/attend your wedding, that is his choice to make. You can have two bridesmaids walk with one groomsman, or one bridesmaid can walk alone. None of the guests will notice or care.

You have nothing to do here.

*Barbie* · February 2013

i think that you and your FI need to stay out of it and let these people decide what is best for them.

Heffalump · February 2013

Ditto Taw. If the guy and your friend didn't care about breaking his vows to his wife, I can guarantee they weren't too concerned about the potential effect on your wedding.

VarunaTT · February 2013

You have no position to take. Let them figure out what they want to do re: being guests, let the groomsman figure out if he is going to step down.

Then, figure out the relationship you might or might not have with these people, sans your wedding drama. I hope you're upset b/c you just found out three good friends are having a huge problem and you're trying to support whoever you can through a difficult time. I'm going to pretend you asked that instead. Be there for them, but do try to gently remind them that this is between the three of them to work out and this is an issue they shouldn't involve outsiders.

AddieCake · February 2013

Ditto everyone else. Stay out of it.

RMK52612 · February 2013

The other woman began talking about it because people were gossiping. She decided to tell me everything because she no longer wanted to be lying to me. Also, it was confirmed by the groomsman and he is currently the reason I am in this dilemma because he is saying he will likely be in the wedding, take pictures, be introduced but then leave ... we do not want him to leave. he has been a life long friend, a brother to my fiance.

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_in-need-of-advice-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:2a93c6f9-3542-4f67-8f3b-6a8d98cdbd5bPost:40dee902-6297-47c1-81f8-fc226a868e3f">Re: In need of advice PLEASE!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to In need of advice PLEASE! : how did this come to light? did you catch them in the supermarket making out? or did you hear it through the grapevine? i think this is an important detail.
Posted by Wzz[/QUOTE]

RMK52612 · February 2013

I in no way shape or form have been disrespectful to any party involved. I have been a supportive ear to all three sides and offered words of advice where requested. I am not looking for a lecture on how to be someone's friend. If that were the case i would have posted elsewhere. But i do not think it is selfish of me to want a drama free wedding but for everyone to still be a part of it considering as all of you have said in one way or another this is not my problem. Unfortunately it is becoming my problem and i was simply looking for suggestions on how to move forward i.e. uninviting the other women, telling them all to seriously suck it up for one night, they made their decisions and now they must deal with the consequences etc.

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_in-need-of-advice-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:2a93c6f9-3542-4f67-8f3b-6a8d98cdbd5bPost:17e2145a-96f4-460b-8496-06f9c9a6838a">Re: In need of advice PLEASE!</a>:
[QUOTE]You have no position to take. Let them figure out what they want to do re: being guests, let the groomsman figure out if he is going to step down. Then, figure out the relationship you might or might not have with these people, sans your wedding drama. I hope you're upset b/c you just found out three good friends are having a huge problem and you're trying to support whoever you can through a difficult time. I'm going to pretend you asked that instead. Be there for them, but do try to gently remind them that this is between the three of them to work out and this is an issue they shouldn't involve outsiders.
Posted by VarunaTT[/QUOTE]

Wzz · February 2013

that's a sticky situation, she confessed to you to ease her conscience but then put this burden on you.

i don't think this will affect your wedding. but your personal relationships with these people are a different story. i have no advice, but if you think you need to tell the people involved what you know, be prepared for drama anyway. just don't tell them at your wedding, and you'll be drama-free.

RMK52612 · February 2013

At this point ... all parties involved know.

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_in-need-of-advice-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:2a93c6f9-3542-4f67-8f3b-6a8d98cdbd5bPost:2ca10584-6c88-4df7-88fd-8565b13d8b4e">Re: In need of advice PLEASE!</a>:
[QUOTE]that's a sticky situation, she confessed to you to ease her conscience but then put this burden on you. i don't think this will affect your wedding. but your personal relationships with these people are a different story. i have no advice, but if you think you need to tell the people involved what you know, be prepared for drama anyway. just don't tell them at your wedding, and you'll be drama-free.
Posted by Wzz[/QUOTE]

LaLavercase · February 2013

Just look the other way and let the adults handle their business. You don't need to get involved in these people's personal lives any more, and they probably are already embarassed that their business is gossip around the town. I would stay out of it to save the friendships and pretend I knew nothing about it. If you are really worried, I bet that the girl who got cheated on will end up not going to the wedding anyway because she is embarassed that so many people know. I know that when I got cheated on, I decided to just cut ties with all the people who knew and my life has been so much better. I ended up working things out with my man, and I don't have anyone negative around me who might want to make me think he isn't a good man when he is.

VarunaTT · February 2013

But stay out of it. They'll figure out what they're doing at the wedding. If there's drama, they'll look like idiots and morons, not you.

If you're really worried, put another bridal party member in charge of keeping an eye on the situation or another trusted guest. But trying to figure out who is right and deserves to be invited/uninvited is just not going to work for you.

ReturnOfKuus · February 2013

I'd probably stop talking to both parties involved in the affair for being such jackasses, but that's just me.

auroraborealisabc · February 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_in-need-of-advice-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:2a93c6f9-3542-4f67-8f3b-6a8d98cdbd5bPost:402d557a-1034-4477-a3eb-52583374968b">Re: In need of advice PLEASE!</a>:
[QUOTE]I'd probably stop talking to both parties involved in the affair for being such jackasses, but that's just me.
Posted by ReturnOfKuus[/QUOTE]

Haha, me too! But, that not exactly being an option, I don't think you should uninvite anyone. They will figure out what they want to do/what they are comfortable with. I see you said that the guy suggested taking photos and leaving (which really puts a downer on your wedding, I must admit)... but have you asked the other parties involved what role they'd like to have in the wedding? Normally I would say completely don't involve yourself at all, but since one is a member of your wedding party, it does impact your wedding day...

In need of advice PLEASE!

Re: In need of advice PLEASE!

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