Wedding Party

HELP!! Bridesmaid problems

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Re: HELP!! Bridesmaid problems

  • Well, if you want to end the friendship completely, then kick her out.  Because that's what will happen.  And along the way, she'll be telling everyone what a 'zilla you are, how you kicked her out for no reason, yada yada yada.

    It's 23 days.  I'd suck it up and have her in the WP and then let the friendship end after the wedding.  You're going to be so delighted on your wedding day, that you likely will notice her only a little, if at all. 

    I like to remind people that you can't control what people do.  You can only control how you respond to their actions.  The only way this girl can ruin your wedding is if you let her.

    Brooke, a reg, here, had quite possibly the worst MOH experience of anyone, ever in the history of WPs.  (I'll leave it to her to explain!)  Anyway, her wedding was perfect for her.   Because she didn't let one difficult person ruin her wedding.

    Sure she's annoying.  But a drama queen isn't going to go out quietly if you toss her.  Not quietly at all.
    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
  • Did the illegal activity have any impact on you?

    It's not okay to kick out a BM.  It makes you appear to be a bridezilla to those around you no matter the circumstances. 

    If you wish to end the friendship, however, end the friendship for non-wedding related reasons.  It would be assumed at that point that she is no longer in or invited to the wedding.
  • If she's just complaining about the dress color, or the rehearsal dinner being at a place she's not thrilled with, tough nuggets to her. Ignore her.

    If she's complaining about the price of the dress because you didn't clear it with her ahead of time, or the style if she had no say whatsoever in picking it out; if she's complaining about her steady significant other not being invited to the rehearsal dinner or wedding; if she has to pay her own way at the rehearsal dinner, or if it's at a place that she's got no way to get to, or if it's at a place that can't accommodate her dietary needs (example, she's allergic to shellfish and you're going to a place that only serves crabmeat) ... then she has a point.

    It sucks if she was nasty to your MOH, but that's for the two of them to work out between themselves. Your MOH is an adult and should stand up for herself. If you see the BM being nasty to the MOH, by all means say to her, "Don't talk to Sally that way," but if the drama is behind-the-scenes or it's passed, don't get involved.

    If her illegal activities could get you and other people in trouble, tell her that they will not be tolerated in your presence. What she chooses to do on her own time is her business. If she does something very wrong at the wedding, have someone escort her out, and call the police if absolutely necessary.

    If you don't want to be her friend anymore (and it should be the same as if you were not getting married ... in other words, if you could blow this off if you weren't planning a wedding, then a wedding shouldn't change that mindset), then tell her that under the circumstances, you think you should go your separate ways and she is no longer welcome at your wedding or in your life, and reimburse her for her expenses. Be prepared for a fight, smack-talking behind your back (from both her and perhaps mutual friends), and for other people outside the situation to possibly look down upon you for booting a bridesmaid.

    However, what'll be more dramatic ... kicking her out (almost definite drama), or sucking it up for the next few weeks (when she might not do anything at all)? Unless the thing she's doing is REALLY awful, I would think twice about booting her. I'm telling you, on your wedding day, you'll be in such a bubble that you won't notice 90% of what's going on around you.

    Plus, if this activity of hers is some kind of addition or destructive behavior, I'd be reluctant to toss away a friendship over it, assuming that she was a great person and this activity/addition has made her do a 180. She may need a good friend more than ever right now, and I hate to think of someone abandoning her when she needs help, all over a wedding.

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  • If she's into illegal activities, that's her thing. you should talk to her and ask her not to take anything into your wedding venue and keep her 'hobby' for after the wedding. if she laughs, finds it funny, shrugs your request off then tell her you are serious and if she can't agree or understand then you would prefer she not be a bridesmaid or a guest....
  • Taking all the wedding stuff out of this, focus just on the friendship. When you talk with her just leave the wedding out of it. "Friend, I did not appreciate you speaking to MOH like you did. It was rude and inconsiderate. I feel that you need to apologize to her; however that is between the two of you. You're drug habit has gotten to a point i'm not comfortable with. I was thrown off and frightened by what you did at the bach party. It was not ok and put all of us at risk in one way or another. I cannot stand by you while you have this habit."  She what she says.

    If you are ready to end the friendship of 8 years then end it and the wedding stuff will be understood. You have a big decision. You can stand by your friend and try to help her kick the habit (only if she's ready) or you can drop your friend for good and be one of the things that she loses on the way to hitting rock bottom.
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  • Tell her in no uncertain terms that nothing illegal is to go down at your wedding and, if she does it, she will be escorted out of the wedding and out of your life.  Then she has been warned.  Ask a trusted family member to keep half an eye on her and if they see her do whatever illegal things she does (drugs, I'm guessing?) to throw her out.
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  • Just to play devil's advocate, does she actually have a drug problem? I mean, if she's doing drugs (which is what it sounds like) and acting differently, damaging your friendship in the process, it sounds like she might need help. I'd say consider that possibility first.

    Beyond that, I don't know if I'd kick her out. I can understand not wanting someone to bring drugs to your wedding or be high at your wedding, but I also don't know a) if you can be sure she'd do that just because she did at a party (and if she wouldn't, then it's unfair to kick her out over that) or b) if it would honestly affect you or other guests if she did. I would probably not kick her out because as PPs have said, she won't bring you down on your wedding day more or less no matter what.
  • I also can't help but wonder if you just don't want this girl at the wedding and you're using the fact that she had a little bit of weed at a party as an excuse to boot her?  Yes, it's technically illegal but not exactly the worst thing she could be doing.

    You'd also be happy to know that one person doing drugs will not get everyone in her immediate vicinity in trouble (unless they are also doing drugs).  
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  • It depends on the state laws I think. Weed would be up to the discretion on the officer here; however other drugs would get you arrested here, just for being around them.
    Anniversary
  • bablingbrookebablingbrooke member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited August 2010
    Wow.  Here weed is $200 and thank-you-very-much, unless you have a lot of it.  If someone is doing coke in the bathroom the hosts of the party wouldn't have any reason to get hassled.  But then again I'm in crazy California ;)
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  • Brooke, I was thinking the same thing - even if she's doing coke in the bathroom, that's legally her problem. My line of thought was that people do it at bars/clubs, and those places don't get shut down, so I don't see why they'd shut down a wedding (or even find out about it since cops don't usually patrol weddings). But I am also a hippie liberal Californian and lived in LA with the likes of Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton.

    NOT that I am condoning drug use at all and especially at a wedding, I just don't think it's a legal concern.
  • Why not ask your venue?  They probably know whether they (or by extension, you) would have any liability if someone did something illegal there.  But unless she's planning on DEALING at the wedding, I think this is something that really isn't worth the drama, especially this close to the wedding.  Let her make an ass of herself, be prepared to have someone escort her out if her behavior gets out of hand, and distance yourself from her after the wedding.
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    Sometimes I feel like people think that brides are delicate little flower princesses who get all dressed up and pretty for one special moment of their dreams, when really they're just normal people who just happen to be getting married. Things shouldn't have to be sugar-coated for grown-ass women. -mstar284
  • edited August 2010
    Brooke  - Crazy Cali! ;) Some police here will just write you a ticket for weed unless over 1 or 2 ounces (can't remember exact amount) then it is out of their hands and a felony. If it is a random chick or friend doing coke in the bathroom it would be different than if they were all in a limo, at a hotel room, in the car together, etc.  If they are in a closed in place or in a "private party" type atmosphere then everyone is responsible. If we were hosting a wedding at a public place (i.e hotel) here and one of the guests was doing it in the bathroom the cops could be called to get just her. If it were a private party at a rented out building just for guests you can be shut down, fined, and investigated. It is all based on the "choose your friends wisely" rule here.
    Anniversary
  • Wow, here under 28.5 ounces it's a misdemeanor.  
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  • WHAT! That's crazy big amount of weed to me! Haha.

    My FI caught a guy the other day that was driving around with his GF. The GF had a bag of lortab. They weren't in a prescription bottle but in a ziplock. She had 5 pills which equals 5 felonies when carried that way. He was taken in also, even though he "didn't know", because he was driving her around, in his car, and they could have been doing it together.  
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  • Jasalon - I'm really curious... meth? coke? heroin?
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  • If you don't want to be friends with this girl anymore, you don't have to be.  I do think if she has a serious addiction problem and is doing hard drugs she needs help, and I do think that as her friend you could (but certainly don't have to) try to help her.  I also see this as a friendship, rather than wedding, problem.

    I now have a much better understanding of what your problem is and that does change my advice slightly.  If she's doing hard stuff, that doesn't have any place around you or your family or your wedding.  You don't have to put up with this, I definitely agree.  I think telling her that this behaviour is not welcome at the wedding is well within your rights and something you should do.  Have you told her family?  Maybe they'd be in a position to get her some help.
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  • I don't think that it makes you a bad person to kick someone out of your WP. One thing I think about are the pictures - do you really want to suck it up, keep her in, & not want to hang your wedding pictures with her face in them? I mean, it's the most important day of your life. You should share it with those that love and appreciate you, not those that want to be drama queens. In my opinion, you have up until you walk down the aisle to tell her to hit the street. I'd rather get rid of a bad friend/bridesmaid then have one standing next to me on my wedding day.


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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_help-8?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:d0f3fed9-b51e-4766-98fd-f22743d99d1ePost:191cd57c-9c36-4a27-b10d-1ef85393087c">Re: HELP!! Bridesmaid problems</a>:
    [QUOTE]WHAT! That's crazy big amount of weed to me! Haha. My FI caught a guy the other day that was driving around with his GF. The GF had a bag of lortab. They weren't in a prescription bottle but in a ziplock. She had 5 pills which equals 5 felonies when carried that way. He was taken in also, even though he "didn't know", because he was driving her around, in his car, and they could have been doing it together.  
    Posted by suz62984[/QUOTE]
    Crazy California.  It's probably going to be legalized come Nov.  And getting a "medical" marijuana card is not difficult.
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    "I think bablingbrooke is the 13 yr old marring her cousin at the town hall. Lets all give her a big hand. And hope her inbred children can live normal lives." -tabs.

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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_help-8?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:d0f3fed9-b51e-4766-98fd-f22743d99d1ePost:3ac500c6-6bb2-43fc-a771-3199a0489d3a">Re: HELP!! Bridesmaid problems</a>:
    [QUOTE]It has become very difficult to help someone that clearly doesn't want to help themself.
    Posted by jasalon8[/QUOTE]

    So does this mean that she does in fact have a drug problem (vs. being a recreational user) and that you've tried to help her and been shot down? If so, I'm really sorry, that must be tough. I think you're making the right decision about the wedding though, and I hope she comes through for you.
  • Coke is the biggest, but there are others. The fact that she tried to get a couple friends and family on the party bus to join her, really sets me off.
  • edited August 2010
    Well Brooke, if in Nov your posts start getting a little 'crazy', i'll know what you are up too Wink
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_help-8?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:d0f3fed9-b51e-4766-98fd-f22743d99d1ePost:cba2fe8f-ac58-4fe6-8811-9aa892b7aa26">Re: HELP!! Bridesmaid problems</a>:
    [QUOTE]Coke is the biggest, but there are others. The fact that she tried to get a couple friends and family on the party bus to join her, really sets me off.
    Posted by jasalon8[/QUOTE]
    It would set me off too.  I dunno, if she's really not listening to reason and not responding to attempts at help and trying to get other people involved I do think this would be a reason to end the friendship, which means she wouldn't be in the WP anymore.  
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  • Jasalon - It would set me off too if she were trying to get family and friends involved in it. Just let her know that you are unhappy with her decision to try to pull people into it and it isn't appreciated. Let her know that bringing it to the wedding will not be tolerated. You may want to throw in a "Just so you know we have several police officer friends that will be attending." ha
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  • Stage! That is seriously crazy. Our law is the same but it would have been better to take a DUI at that point. That's why I only ride with people that I really, really know. Even then i'm wary. Heck, if I was caught today for that same kind of situation, my FI could lose his job as a cop because it is "bad judgement of character."
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  • jasalon, that will be much easier than you think.  DH and I were pulled in 100 different directions and our WP got us drunk right off the bat at the reception so we were oblivious to a lot of goings on ;)
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  • Brooke's right. I didn't realize there was a conga line or that my own husband had been thrown in the air by his friends until I saw the photos because I happened to be other places when both those things were going on.
  • She sounds like she's got some issues going on.  It's always sad when people hurt themselves like this. But you can't give her more than what she's willing to receive :(  I hope she listens to someone and gets some real help.
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    "I think bablingbrooke is the 13 yr old marring her cousin at the town hall. Lets all give her a big hand. And hope her inbred children can live normal lives." -tabs.

    A word of warning from your friends at Cracked.com: Remember that text is going to be how you make your first impression over the internet; if every third word you type is misspelled, people will automatically assume that you're a moron.
  • Jasalon...I'm going to take this from a different angle.

    Yes, doing coke is bad (as well as whatever else she may be into). Yes, trying to get your friends involved is REALLY not cool, and YES she can get into a LOT of trouble were she to get caught. I am in no way advocating or condoning this behavior.

    However, think of it from her point of view. She's obviously on-and-off (from what I gather based on what you wrote) with a guy who cheats and apparently doesn't care enough to commit to her. She's emotionally distraught and going through alot right now, and while you and your friends may be doing a fantastic job of supporting her through her breakup/makeup/etc, she probably has other baggage that either no one knows about or she feels she needs to deal with on her own. She found a way to lessen her pain and make her forget the BS that she has to deal with in reality. And while, again, it's not the best way to deal, some people don't understand that and can't find other methods to cope.

    Maybe you can try intervention? Have you and your friends sat down with her and explained that this isn't good, and that there is help available? I would think she needs you and her friends/family to help her deal with this.

    I'm not trying to be snotty or act like I'm better than anyone...I'm coming from the position of someone whose loved one is dealing with stuff like this. My baby brother just got busted for having a LOT of weed in his house...I mean, felony amounts...and while my initial reaction wasn't exactly great, he's my brother and I care about him. Provided he can make it, we still want him standing with us at our wedding.

    Is this friend important to you? I would think so, since you asked her to be a BM in the first place. I understand that with wedding stresses, we can all lose perspective...but if you weren't planning a wedding, would you be more apt to blow her off, or help her?
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