I'm so scared he'll cheat...

Allea76 · November 2009

I was married before for 3 years. My husband cheated on me before the ink was dry on our marriage certificate. Some of the women I knew about, others I did not. I didn't want to get divorced, so I lived with it. He finally left me for one of them. I've been divorced now for a little over 3 years.

After the divorce I was determined not to get hurt like that again, but then I met my fiance. I love him so much, and I trusted him at first, but then the doubts start coming in. I feel like I would be foolish to trust him 100% - I basically expect him to cheat. I'm so worried about it that it's brought on depression and anxiety, even made me think I'm not ready to get married again. He hasn't given me reason to think he's cheating, I just feel like he's going to.

I have talked to my fiance about this but I can tell he's getting tired of the topic, especially when he hasn't given me reason not to trust him.

I feel like I'm going crazy b/c I'm getting ready to go see my mom for Thanksgiving w/o my fiance & I'm totally freaked out that he's going to cheat while I'm gone.

Sorry so long, I really had to get that out...
Anyone know how I feel or have any advice?

2dBride · November 2009

I would suggest counseling for this one. Expecting someone to cheat, when he has shown no signs of it, can in fact lead to his cheating. (After all, if his behaving well does not make you feel better, then what is his motivation for doing it?) At the same time, you can't just "decide" to trust him--this is clearly a very emotional thing with you, rather than an intellectual one.

handfast4me · November 2009

I'm not sure that not trusting someone can "lead to" that person's cheating. You can't force anyone else to cheat. However, a lack of trust could push him away.

Have you explained your fears to him? And if so, has he reassured you that he is not one of those type of people that will betray you? (Rather than just saying to him: I'm afraid you'll cheat, have you actually said to him " Can we talk about this for 5 minutes?" --the five minutes thing always help men when discussions arise, because it sets a time limit, so they don't think that they're going to get into an all day discussion, and then set a timer, and stick to it!--"My first husband cheated on me right after we got married. I'm afraid of being hurt again." Is there something else that you haven't thought of or mentioned here, such as a dad who left your mom for another woman, or some other betrayal that has happened to you? Or is your intuition telling you that something is wrong? There is a fine line between intuition and just plain fear, though.

And here are a couple of other things to think about, because I don't know your situation. How long did you know your first husband before you got married? And the gentleman you're engaged to now? It occurred to me that maybe a longer engagement may help, especially if you two haven't known one another for very long.

I do agree that counseling might be the only thing that helps you, but I'd find someone to help you that can help you push past a lot of the stuff that you're going through, and give you the skills to trust again.
Best wishes!

right1thistime · November 2009

I was cheated on as well. And despite quite clear evidence, I believed all the crap he used as excuses. However, I have never felt any concern that DH would cheat on me. One of the hallmarks of our relationship is trust. It is quite refreshing.

I had a couple of thoughts as I read your post. One is that YOU need to seek counseling, to get through the emotional toll your first marriage placed upon you. Not couples type counseling, just you. The second thought I had was that you trusted him at first, but gradually changed your mind. I would ask you to sit quietly and really search your soul on this-- when did that doubt begin? As you moved closer to commitment? Or was there a subtle change in his behavior?

Finally, I think it was from Steel Magnolias - some advice that I have found really important to remember: don't punish your Fi/DH for the sins of your exhusband. It's really easy to get caught up in that mindset- put the old tapes in your head need to be re-burned. ~Donna

pamila51510 · November 2009

I think counseling for you would be best. I had to go through counseling and my FI had to go through hell when he first started dating me because of trust issues I had. The only thing you are going to achieve with your constant fear and worry is him to push away. It hurts to keep being told that you aren't truste. I actually would start a dialog in my head everyday when I felt insecure. Basic questions about my fear. I would answer them with a positive response. Every time I would start hearing those doubts in my head I would agian answer them agian with positive reinforcement. Its hard to get that tape to quit playing in your head! You need to work on your and know you are a valuable person. You deserve a man of honor and a man of respect that will respect and honor you. You are worthy of so much more. When you beleive that 100% those thoughts will start to go away!! It takes time but believe in yourself and then you will believe in him!

trobles3 · November 2009

I've been married and was in the same position you were in, except mine was writing his old girlfriend from year before me. The worst thing that happened was he cheated while I was pregnant and left me with 2 STDs. We were married and together for 12 yrs.
Now that I'm divorced and out of the that relationship, I was afraid for a few years to let anyone else in, then I went to church and got counseling as a woman and single mother. I realized that in order to open my heart to love again I had to accept the fact that no man is perfect, but no man will hurt me the way my ex did either. You have to be willing to take the good with the bad and know when it's too bad to stay. I do recommend talking to someone because all you have is what's in front of you, no one has the ability to tell you what's ahead in the years to come. If you love him, then don't hold on to these feelings or you will in fact push him away. You will never be around him 24/7, trust will have to come in somewhere. Let your heart allow you to love and let your mind rest in the fact that loving is a way of life but sharing that love with someone is a blessing. Close your eyes, fall and let him catch you.

Allea76 · November 2009

Thanks to all who responded...

I did end up talking to him before I left. It made me feel better. I guess I need to let go of the past & be more positive.

Part of the problem is I knew my 1st husband for 10 years before we got married...it was like as soon as we got married he started to cheat. And I trusted him completely before the cheating started and I never thought he'd leave me, etc.

My finace basically said he was a little disappointed that I had kept my feelings inside for so long, etc. It's amazing how much better I feel just for talking to him.

Thanks everyone, this site is the best

deepcovejackie · November 2009

I'm glad you've shared your feelings with your fiance. It still might be a good idea to have some counselling, as sort of preventative maintenance. Good luck to you.

I'm so scared he'll cheat...

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