Inviting FI's parents to the tasting

MNbride1991 · December 2012

I had every intention of inviting my FI's parents to our food tasting.
My mom was borderline appalled when I told her this (she is hosting the entire wedding.)

Is it typical to invite the non-hosting parents to the tasting and stuff? So far I haven't really included my FMIL's opinion in anything. I've only asked her for their sides guest list and addresses.

AddieCake · December 2012

I don't know if it's typical, or what the "rules" about it are, but I don't see the problem. Even if your mom is paying for the wedding, what's to be appalled about? I think it's nice of you to include them.

MNbride1991 · December 2012

Thanks ladies, I appreciate the quick response.

I was definitely taken aback with her reaction!
I'll take my mom's lead on this...like a PP said, not worth the battle or drama.

I'll talk to FMIL about what type of alcohol to have... that's her strong suit, LOL.

itzMS · December 2012

I <div align="left">n Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_inviting-fis-parents-to-the-tasting?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:9f53e501-00de-45c2-af5f-07a7a0989a7fPost:bdd40520-24f1-4fd1-a993-6213ceb1086e">Inviting FI's parents to the tasting</a>:
[QUOTE]I had every intention of inviting my FI's parents to our food tasting. My mom was borderline appalled when I told her this (she is hosting the entire wedding.) Is it typical to invite the non-hosting parents to the tasting and stuff? So far I haven't really included my FMIL's opinion in anything. I've only asked her for their sides guest list and addresses.
Posted by MNbride1991[/QUOTE]

IIRC from some of your other posts, it seems like your mom has a bunch of opinions that do not have much basis in anything.

I think it's fine of you and FI to invite his parents if you want to, but don't be surprised if they decline.
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KSerafin17 · December 2012

My parents are paying for 2/3 of our wedding and FMIL is paying for the bar and RD. We asked my parents, my sister (MOH) and my FMIL to attend our tasting. I wanted FMIL to be involved and I wanted different people's thoughts on the food. Also, our venue allowed up to 6 people so we wanted to take advantage of that. I am not sure why your mom would be appalled- it isnt as if she is paying for the tasting itself, right?!

MNbride1991 · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_inviting-fis-parents-to-the-tasting?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:9f53e501-00de-45c2-af5f-07a7a0989a7fPost:27b31c73-df58-47de-9dd2-28998abc12f8">Re: Inviting FI's parents to the tasting</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Inviting FI's parents to the tasting : IIRC from some of your other posts, it seems like your mom has a bunch of opinions that do not have much basis in anything. I think it's fine of you and FI to invite his parents if you want to, but don't be surprised if they decline.
Posted by itzMS[/QUOTE]

That's about right, LOL.
She's a bit of the "overbearing" yet, "hire someone else to do it" type of lady.
Love her dearly, but jeepers.
She wants to give all sorts of opinions yet won't lift a finger to do anything. Oh man!

Tami87 · December 2012

I find it strange that your mom would be appalled. My parents paid for the majority of our wedding, but thankfully just set an amount they wanted to contribute and let us make most of the decisions about how to spend it on our own. While my mom was involved with picking a caterer neither of my parents were able to attend the tasting. We were allowed to have four people total attend and ended up brining SIL and one of the groomsmen because that was who was available to go when it is was convenient for us. And like previous posters mentioned we thought it would be good to have a range of opinions of the food. MIL had to work otherwise I would have had no problem inviting her. We only tried items that were in our price range so there wasn't an issue of wanting something we couldn't afford.

Jen4948 · December 2012

I don't see why your mother is "appalled" or what difference it would make who is at the tasting besides yourself and your FI. In any case there are definitely no rules that would prohibit it-regardless of who is paying for the wedding.

lyndausvi · December 2012

Idk if your mom is paying for the entire event I see no reason for your in-laws to be there. My parents would have been upset also. It's was their party to host and plan (with us) and they did want others to know the how much they were paying. A lot of times that is brought up at tastings.

twotimemob · December 2012

I'm the MOB - I would have been "appalled" to have daughter's IL attend the tasting. We paid for the reception, so I feel it was our party to plan. I was not involved in the IL's planning of the rehearsal dinner - that was their party to plan.

But a little basis for my comment - to be nice, we had invited the IL's to view the first venue with us and they completely took over the appointment - asking about costs and such. They weren't offering to help pay anything, but were sure interested in how we were going to spend our money.

Maggie0829 · December 2012

I think you probably should have checked with your Mom about inviting the FILs instead of just declaring it something you were going to do. Since your Mom is paying she may not be happy about having his parents there and them having opinions/trying to make decisions with her money. KWIM?

Honestly, I think the only people who really need to go to a tasting are the couple and any parties who are paying.

I think it is a great idea to include your FIL into the planning process, especially if they want to be involved but just make sure you aren't stepping on the money holder shoes in the process.

erinlin25 · December 2012

We invited FI's mom-- mainly just want her to feel included, and she along with majority of her extended family are vegetarian so I want to be sure the vegetarian meal picked is to her liking. If I left that up to FI they'd be eating Macaroni & Cheese!

NOLAbridealmost · December 2012

I definitely wouldn't want to include my ILs in the tasting unless they were also co-hosting. My parents paid for our wedding and they came to tastings (as well as the honor attendants just beacuse it was free and my parents didn't want those free meals going to waste). But having an "extra" person there is a little different than having the other set of parents...it's just awkward. The non-hosting parents might feel awkward and feel compelled to offer to help pay and the hosting parents don't want to feel like their choices are up for judgment or scrutiny from the other set of parents.

I'd honor mom's wishes on this one.

meofmanynames · December 2012

Every situation is different, but this is how we did it... We were given money from my parents for the wedding but told it was up to us how to spend it.

For the tasting, we invited my parents and my FI's dad and stepmom so we could get opinions from both sides. I would have invited FI's mom too but we could only have six people at the tasting and she has been included in other wedding preparations. It was great having both set of parents there so both sides of the families would be represented in our food choices. My parents have a more exotic palate while Fi's family is really meat and potatoes.

Ultimately, I think it's wonderful to include your in-laws. There could be a lot of reasons why your mother was upset. Do what you feel is best.

bunni727 · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_inviting-fis-parents-to-the-tasting?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9f53e501-00de-45c2-af5f-07a7a0989a7fPost:6e0b6072-baab-4608-9fdf-b0e6711a086c">Re: Inviting FI's parents to the tasting</a>:
[QUOTE]Idk if your mom is paying for the entire event I see no reason for your in-laws to be there. My parents would have been upset also. I<strong>t's was their party to host and plan (with us) and they did want others to know the how much they were paying.</strong> A lot of times that is brought up at tastings.
Posted by lyndausvi[/QUOTE]

Exactly what I was thinking, especially the bolded. Also, as a FIL, I would be uncomfortable giving any input without paying.

CALEO · December 2012

I invited my FMIL. My mom agreed.

When I asked my Fi if he thought his mom would want to go, I sort of discretely said, I know she's not planning the wedding, but would she be interested in attending? He got the hint and said absolutely yes (she only has boys) and that she just wants to go along for fun but knows that its my mom's and my call.

My future in laws have been really laid back and polite though so I wasn't too worried about it.

NYCMercedes · December 2012

This MOG would never, ever expect to be invited to a tasting for a party we are not hosting.

kmmssg · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_inviting-fis-parents-to-the-tasting?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9f53e501-00de-45c2-af5f-07a7a0989a7fPost:6e0b6072-baab-4608-9fdf-b0e6711a086c">Re: Inviting FI's parents to the tasting</a>:
[QUOTE]Idk if your mom is paying for the entire event I see no reason for your in-laws to be there. My parents would have been upset also. It's was their party to host and plan (with us) and they did want others to know the how much they were paying. A lot of times that is brought up at tastings.
Posted by lyndausvi[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>This is exactly why I would not want the FIL's invited. As your parents, we host and plan (with the kids) and I do not want others knowing what we are paying. That is our private business.</div><div>
</div><div>DD #1's FIL would have broadcast it over international radio</div><div>DD #3's MIL went with us to meet the caterer and did give some input on choices, but they were also paying for a chunk of the wedding and DD wanted her there. I was ok with that.

</div>

KellyBrian2013 · December 2012

I'm surprised how many people here would be "appalled" or what have you at the parents of the groom attending the tasting. My mom and stepdad invited my MIL FIL to the tasting to get their opinions, as their family made up half of the guest list. The 6 of us had a great time. That said, if your mom is paying and doesn't want your FILs there, I agree with PP that it's not a hill to die on.

lauralaur · December 2012

We had my mother and step-father and H's mother and step-father at our tasting. However, the venue does tastings quarterly and it's anyone and everyone who can make it, sort of like attending a wedding in terms of the number of people there. So it really was more like a night out a restaurant since it wasn't a private tasting. We didn't select the menu that night either, we filled everything out and sent it in afterward. I'm also a picky eater so I really thought I needed extra people there to tell me what tasted good because in all honestly, I ate a grilled cheese and fries as my dinner at our wedding.

Didn't seem like a big deal to me but after reading some of the others' responses I can see how one wouldn't want others in attendance.

KellyBrian2013 · December 2012

In Response to Re:Inviting FI's parents to the tasting:[QUOTE]Kelly, did your mom pay for your wedding?nbsp; Posted by NYUgirl100[/QUOTE]

In it's entirety.

STARMOON44 · December 2012

I'm surprised you'd be allowed to have 6 people at your tasting. Most caterers I'm familiar with cap this at 2 or 4. I think your mom is a bit over the top, but she gets to be- she's paying! Why would FI's family need to taste the food?

KellyBrian2013 · December 2012

In Response to Re:Inviting FI's parents to the tasting:[QUOTE]I'm surprised you'd be allowed to have 6 people at your tasting. nbsp;Most caterers I'm familiar with cap this at 2 or 4. nbsp;I think your mom is a bit over the top, but she gets to be she's paying! Why would FI's family need to taste the food? Posted by STARMOON44[/QUOTE]

Perhaps it's because of how our venue did things? They had designated tasting evenings, with multiple tables for different events. Our evening, there were 3 parties, all weddings; our party of 6, a party of 4, and a party of 8 or 9. Bride and groom were free, extra tasting plates were 15 per person, I believe. So we did pay an extra 60 for our parents to be there. All drinks were included, too, including wine and mixed drinks.

MaryGraceRich · December 2012

Both of my FI's parents went to our tasting. My FI and I are paying for most of the wedding my dad is helping us with a few things. My dad is a firm believe that it is our day no matter where the money comes from. If its a way to make his parents feel included without costing much extra I don't see why it would be a bad idea. If I were in that situation I would just tell mom "yes I understand that you are paying and your opinion counts the most but it can be a fun evening for everyone. And its a great way to get a different opinion. They may think of something that we don't"

s-aries8990 · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_inviting-fis-parents-to-the-tasting?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9f53e501-00de-45c2-af5f-07a7a0989a7fPost:9218680d-03a1-4bc6-b422-cea89948839e">Re: Inviting FI's parents to the tasting</a>:
[QUOTE]MaryGrace -- your dad is paying for a few things (per you). OPs mom is paying for it all. <strong>Sorry you cannot see the differnce.</strong> Maybe OPs mom can not afford, or doesnt want FI parents to know her budget.
Posted by NYUgirl100[/QUOTE]

I think she can see the difference, she's just giving a different perspecive. I'm so glad I don't know you IRL NYU...

KSerafin17 · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_inviting-fis-parents-to-the-tasting?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:9f53e501-00de-45c2-af5f-07a7a0989a7fPost:954e9b1e-d5e6-4aee-a254-db48cb3805a3">Re: Inviting FI's parents to the tasting</a>:
[QUOTE]I definitely wouldn't want to include my ILs in the tasting unless they were also co-hosting. My parents paid for our wedding and they came to tastings (as well as the honor attendants just beacuse it was free and my parents didn't want those free meals going to waste). But having an "extra" person there is a little different than having the other set of parents...<strong>it's just awkward. The non-hosting parents might feel awkward and feel compelled to offer to help pay and the hosting parents don't want to feel like their choices are up for judgment or scrutiny from the other set of parents</strong>. I'd honor mom's wishes on this one.
Posted by NOLAbridealmost[/QUOTE]

I think that this depends on the parents and their relationship with the other IL's as well as the Bride and Groom. We invited FMIL even though my parents are paying the majority because she gets along great with my parents as well as us. She is not overbearing and would never ask money questions. Also, my parents know that she could not financially pay for the majority of the wedding and would never imply that she should pay for more of the wedding if she wants to be included in things. We had a great time on the day of our tasting and I know for me, it was a nice experience to have my parents and FH's mother there!

MaryGraceRich · December 2012

Actually I am not ignoring the money aspect at all. I said that I don't see why it would be a big deal if its not going to cost her mother any or much extra. On top of that if its going to cost more to bring two extra people to the tasting she can pay the difference. My tasting was 50 per person. I had 5 people my FILs, my dadn myself and my Fi. I paid out of pocket for it. If my dad was paying for it and he had a problem with it I would discuss why he had a problem with it and figure something out accordingly. If it was a money issue I would just pay it if it is that important they are invited. It was the first time that either of my parents met his parents. We had a great time and bonded nicely. If they are concerned about the budget being discussed they can have food first and discuss with the caterer the costs after.

StephJean83 · December 2012

MaryGrace, my dad is similar to you in views of how the wedding planning should go, no matter who is paying and how much, the B/G get majority of the say. I told FH that we should bring both sets of parents to all venue visits, tastings, picking out of flowers and what not and let our dad's fight it out for who is paying. I say that because when my parents were up visiting, both sets of parents, my sister, my FH and I went to dinner and our dads almost starting fighting over the check at the end of the meal. Of course it does help having dads who are best friends, so even if my parents paid in full for our wedding or my FILs paid in full for the wedding, the other set of parents would be gladly welcomed to any event from venue visits to tastings.

MaryGraceRich · December 2012

Thank you for understanding. The original question was whether or not it was common for FIL's to be invited. I don't know how often it occurs but I was just saying that yes it happens, I think its a great idea and its worth the discussion with her mother again. That's all. There needs to be no argument in regards to who's paying. I only brought up the fact that my dad is paying for a few things to emphasize that in the end its the B/G day and some parents are willing to be flexible if it will make the planning experience better. She should talk to mom about it, figure out a way to make it work because its fun.

Simply Fated · December 2012

We know venues run their tastings in different ways. Some cap them at 3 or 4 people. Some charge per person. Some don't care, as long as you're already booked. Etc. So it really depends on the situation. I think it all depends on why OP's mom is appalled. Is she afraid to be judged on the cost? Is she afraid the inlaws will judge the food harshly? Or was she hoping it would be just her and the couple? I think it's important to hear the mom out. I'm not saying she's right or wrong. I mean, what if this was about the dress... would your mom be appalled if your FMIL came to a fitting? "Appalled" sounds like such a strong emotion.

MaryGraceRich · December 2012

I agree with that too which is way I said to discuss it with mom. This is her mother. She should be able to have a conversation about ANYTHING and it not be considered wrong. I have a crappy relationship with my mother and I would still bring something up twive with her if I have strong feelings about it. Its a food tasting not the wedding itself. She is not inviting the whole lineup of ozzfest. Its not like she said yes they are def coming and are going to take over the whole thing on your dollar. I simply said that she can talk to her mom and see what the problem is. If it is the money, contribute. If she just wants to share that moment with her daughter then the FI's parents don't come. And as she asked at the very beginning yes sometimes FIL go to tastings. That's all.

Inviting FI's parents to the tasting

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